Jonathan's Hope (11 page)

While anal sex was the most amazing thing two men could experience, Dan was no fan of the less pleasurable aspects of it. Sean had been like him, always making sure they were squeaky clean before engaging each other. Like Dan, Sean had been versatile, and both men enjoyed each other fully, although Dan preferred to bottom for his lover.

He thought of Sean, but oddly it didn’t hurt. He looked up from his position between Jonathan’s legs, looked up at the man with his hands clutching the sheets, his head pounding up and down against the pillow in the sheer pleasure of Dan’s ministrations, Jonathan’s face distorted by the pleasure washing through his body.

Dan lifted Jonathan’s legs back up on his shoulders and moved back to his sphincter, rimming him gently first, then more and more aggressively, sticking his tongue into Jonathan’s ass, probing his resolve. Then he replaced his tongue with a finger, easily gliding past the gate, then two. Jonathan’s breathing was heavy, but steady, regular.

Then he moaned, “Stop teasing me, Dan, please, please fuck me. I need you inside me.” Dan took that as a good sign, and spit a few times in his hand to lube himself up, making a mental note to buy some lube next time they were in town. It would have been easier with lube.

He lined his cock against Jonathan’s ass, and pressed gently. Jon moaned. Dan said, “Relax, try to relax.” Jonathan took a deep breath and Dan pushed, granted access to his ass. He pushed in slowly, his crown gently rubbing Jonathan’s prostate, the moan a dead giveaway. Then Dan pulled back, slowly. He pulled his cock all the way out, lubing it some more then pushed it back in, establishing a regular rhythm.

He moved his body up a little bit so he could kiss Jonathan, who held on tightly to his back, pulling him down into an embrace. He increased the cadence of his fucking. Jonathan seemed perfectly content, breathing heavily, moaning loudly. Dan felt himself tense, he felt the movement of Jonathan’s sphincter tightening around him, felt his nuts pull up and with one last thrust, he pushed himself over the edge. Jonathan was screaming his own climax, finding a third orgasm somewhere in him, with the warm liquid finding its way out between their stomachs, hot, sticky.

Dan was exhausted, completely spent. He hadn’t had sex for over a year. Having not felt this sort of touch between two men for so long, he had almost forgotten what it was like. Jonathan looked up at him, moving a strand of dark hair from his face, his green eyes full of satisfaction, and something else, something Dan couldn’t quite figure out, not until Jonathan opened his mouth and said it. “I think I love you...”

It left Dan speechless, utterly speechless.

CHRISTMAS MORNING CAME
, the two lovers entwined in the spooning ritual they established the first night that Jonathan spent in Dan’s bed. Their bed. For a while, it seemed that life was perfect. You know that feeling, when you’re falling in love with someone, and you never, ever, under any circumstances want to leave that person, ever again? That’s how Dan felt when he woke up.

The first thing that came to mind was not the Christmas gifts he bought for Jonathan, nor the surprise trip he had planned for New Year’s Eve. It wasn’t even the feeling of Jonathan’s morning wood against his bare ass, or the memory of Jonathan inside him for the first time. No, the first things that came to mind were Jonathan’s words from the night before.
I think I love you
. Not
I think I’m falling in love
, not
I like you
. No, he said,
I think I love you
. The strongest of sentiments we have to express our feelings for each other, with only a slight twist, as Jonathan had never felt love before and thus couldn’t be certain that what he felt for Dan actually was love, the real deal.

On so many levels, it frightened Dan, but at the same time it was the one thing he had longed to hear from Jonathan ever since he first looked in his eyes. That was the night he had started to fall. Having been in love before, Dan was more careful in expressing his own emotions. It wasn’t because he couldn’t have said the same thing, but because he knew the right thing was to wait. To wait at least a few weeks, months even, before making such a grave statement. A statement that could potentially be life altering, for him and for Jonathan.

I guess that’s the difference in age speaking, right there
. Then again, how could he judge Jonathan? What did he know about his capacity for love, or his ability to recognize this most precious of emotions within him? Who knows, maybe Jonathan did love him. Maybe he wasn’t tainted by years of psychobabble and by the demands of society to rein it in. To be careful not to scare away people. Maybe Jonathan’s statement was as pure as it could be,
but damn, did he have to say it right after sex?
Somewhere deep in his heart, that was the most unnerving thing about the statement. Dan knew a man’s emotions were in turmoil right after sex. He had seen it often enough, in himself, in Sean, in others. It always felt to Dan as if men fall in love during or after sex, whereas many of the women he knew would barely consider sex without already being in love. Not all of them, not all of the time, of course, but he always felt there was this genuine difference between the sexes. At least as far as he could see, given his limited experience.

Dan extricated himself from Jonathan’s embrace, and got up. He tried to focus on breakfast, and on Christmas. Even trying for a little while not to think too much about what Jonathan was doing to his heart, or about what Jonathan’s arrival was going to do to his life. His secluded, comfortable little life.

They would eventually have to sit down and talk anyway because Jon needed to go back to school, needed an education, and all of that was impossible where they were. The painful realization of the different positions of life they were in hurt him. It was like a cut in his side, large and deep, bleeding, draining him of his life’s blood, and Dan much preferred not to ponder it right then. Because somewhere within him, a voice was telling him that there was no future for him and Jonathan. Their age difference was too big of an obstacle to overcome. If Jonathan decided to attend college and get a degree, he would most likely meet other people, and eventually find excitement and love elsewhere, leaving Dan behind in the cabin. Far behind him in the forest. His life was so neat and settled, yet Jonathan’s lay still before him. Realistically, they had no future, none at all.

Not today. I don’t want to think about it today!

As Dan pulled on some clothes, he couldn’t help but wipe a tear from his eyes. He knew that sooner, rather than later, he would have to confront Jonathan with all this. He would have to hurt his lover, pull him out of his fantasy,
but not today!

Dan put on the kettle for his tea and got Jonathan’s coffee brewing. He set their breakfast table and fetched the three packages with Jonathan’s gifts from the top cupboard. He had bought Jonathan some more clothes, seeing that even though he was roughly Sean’s size, he didn’t really seem comfortable wearing them, and every time Jonathan came into the room wearing one of the familiar shirts or tees or sweaters that had once belonged to Sean, there was a painful sting in Dan. For the briefest moment, it felt like Sean was back, followed by the ever so short disappointment that it was only Jonathan. These emotions, as natural as they might have been, were not fair to Sean’s memory and certainly not to Jonathan.

The sooner Jonathan got his own wardrobe together, the better for him, for them. The third package was the one he was most looking forward to Jonathan opening. It was a laptop. Jonathan told him he had never owned one, and the only access to the outside world and the Internet he had was through his friend Mary’s computer or at school. While he didn’t have a great connection to the web from the cabin, there was an old DSL line that he used. It was the only thing that worked so far away from the main road. Without cell towers, he couldn’t even use his mobile phone out there. They had been able to put a landline in, and were eventually able to install DSL, allowing Dan to work while they were in their retreat. It was good enough for him and he was sure Jonathan wouldn’t mind. At least he would be able to go online, maybe get a Facebook profile and reconnect with some friends back home. Hopefully, he could even learn something about his parents.

Dan knew that the subject of Jonathan’s parents and their abandonment was sensitive. He also knew that at some point, Jonathan would need proper closure, would need answers. Maybe not yet, maybe the wounds were still too fresh, and while his physical wounds had healed nicely, his emotional wounds hadn’t even been dressed yet. That scared Dan.

Jonathan’s arrival in the living room woke Dan from his reveries. He put the last present under the tree, and stood up to receive his lover’s embrace. Their good morning kiss was warm and tender. “Good morning. Did you sleep well?” Dan wondered, looking into those big green eyes.
God, I’m so falling for him
.

“Like a log,” Jonathan responded, kissing him again. “You?”

“Never better. Merry Christmas, Jon! Do you want to open your presents now or do you want to eat first?”

“Presents? What do you mean?” Jonathan sounded surprised, shocked. “I didn’t get you anything...” his voice trailed, his head dropped and his shoulders slumped.

“Jon, honey, please. Please look at me,” Dan tried, taking his lover’s head in both hands, making him look into his eyes. “Listen, I don’t need anything, honest. You being here, the way you are, whatever it is we’re starting here. That’s all I want. It’s all I need.” Dan knew he wasn’t entirely honest with Jonathan. Sure, he didn’t have any materialistic wants, but he also knew that Jonathan probably wouldn’t be able to give him what he really needed, ever, but why destroy his lover’s illusion?
Certainly not on Christmas Day!

“Let’s eat first.” The matter of fact statement from Jonathan surprised Dan a bit, even disappointed him as he had secretly hoped his lover would rip through the gifts. But maybe he had underestimated the need for equilibrium, Jonathan’s need to be able to reciprocate, to give something to Dan too?

They ate their meal in silence, and Dan was furious with himself. Had he really misjudged Jonathan that much? Had he unintentionally hurt him so badly?
Fuck, you did it again
, he cursed himself.

Jonathan, on the other hand, seemed to be plagued by guilt. Guilt for being so loved, so well taken care of by Dan and not being able to give anything back. Last night, after their lovemaking, he had been so overwhelmed by love for the gentle introduction to sex he had been given, that he felt the need to give everything he had to Dan. He had bottomed happily, despite the initial excruciating pain, enjoying the ride eventually. He was happy that he had been able to give himself to his man. Yet, it was all he had. He had even bared his heart to him, and didn’t receive any response to it.
Maybe he doesn’t love me back? Maybe he is still in love with Sean? Maybe he always will be? Maybe I’m only a toy, something to get off with?
The thought was painful, all the evidence to the contrary looking at him. The gifts under the tree, the kindness that Dan had shown him over the past few weeks since he had shown up on his doorstep were proof of more than just a need for sex. Yet doubt is a powerful and destructive force, and Jonathan didn’t dare hope. The fear of losing, the fear of failure was omnipresent in his mind, a trait honed over the years at the mercy of his father’s beatings.

Once they finished eating, Dan insisted that Jonathan open his presents, and Jonathan obliged. His gratitude for the clothes and the laptop was genuine, but the mood was dampened. This was not how either man had imagined Christmas would be. The only one who truly enjoyed his Christmas gift was Rascal, tugging at the brand new bone that Dan had carefully wrapped with a red ribbon and placed under the tree along with the gifts for Jonathan.

Dan was desperate, but unable to really break the wall that slowly, brick by brick, minute by minute, was being rebuilt between them. He excused himself and took Rascal for his morning walk. Jonathan stayed to clean up the kitchen, before taking a shower. Something had been broken between them. Jonathan didn’t know how to fix it, and neither did Dan.

Upon his return, Dan went straight to work, fleeing into that part of the house that he knew was his and his alone. Jonathan had avoided the desk, never once asking to use the PC, even though Dan would have gladly allowed him to. It was as if he was afraid of it, afraid of this portal to the outside world, this immediate connection to the city, his friends, his parents. Dan, of course, didn’t realize Jonathan’s fear. Didn’t realize that he was still too fragile to connect, to learn, to know.

Jonathan gave Dan his space, needing time to think for himself, needing time to process, but above all, he needed time to somehow show his appreciation for everything that Dan had done. Without money, or any means to buy him a gift, he was at a loss. Besides, Jonathan hadn’t expected any presents for Christmas.

My laptop, my first ever laptop. I should be happy, excited, thrilled.

He looked at the box, this perfect white box with the image of the sleek, thin aluminum laptop waiting for him inside, and for the first time that day, Jonathan cracked a smile as he opened it. Inside the box, he found a beautiful small laptop. A MacBook Air, something he had only dreamed about. A piece of engineering only few of his classmates would ever get, and now he was holding one in his hands, his very own.

Maybe, he thought, maybe I can write something. I could write a poem or a letter to Dan. Maybe I can explain in words, as a gift to him, how I feel.

His spirits slowly returning, he started up his PC and got acquainted with it. Luckily, based on what he had seen at Mary’s house and at school, he was fairly good at operating a computer. Although this one was different in terms of operating system and software, it seemed fairly straight-forward and easy to use. Jonathan quickly found the writing software and started experimenting with words.

Dear Dan
, he started then erased it. The words sounded odd, weird, too formal.

Dan
, he tried, but erased that, too. Somehow a letter wasn’t right, wasn’t what he wanted to express. Instead, he tried simple words, expressing his feelings, his emotions, expressing what he had been through, and just wrote them randomly on the patient white space of his word processing software.

fear

alone

Dan

trees

so many trees

no food

cold

alone

longing

love

safety

secure

warmth

fire

hope

happiness

Jonathan looked at those words, the randomness of them, and the positive tone towards the end. He tried to rearrange them, put some more meaning to them. The start of a poem maybe?

I was afraid

I was alone

There were trees, nothing but trees

So many trees, so many trees

I had no food, I was hungry

I was cold, so very cold

Alone, so very much alone

Longing for warmth, a hug, a kind word

Longing for a smile, encouragement

Longing for love, safety

Then I found you

I found love

Jonathan had to wipe tears from his eyes as he relived his ordeal in the forest, and the strong emotions surged from him as he remembered the past two weeks with Dan. How Dan had accepted him into his house with open arms, no questions asked, not placing any demands on him. Just unconditional love. He added a line to his poem.

Unconditional love

Then he read it all again. Something was still missing. Jonathan thought about the events of the morning, and his inability to return Dan’s gifts with one of his own. He remembered Dan’s silence at his love confession the night before.
Maybe he’s scared, too? He mentioned my youth, not wanting to take advantage of me. Maybe he’s afraid to commit? Maybe he still loves Sean too much?
He wrote some more.