Jordan (Season Two: The Ninth Inning #5) (9 page)

Today is too much to handle. Gemma and Sam are still here. Heidi hasn’t responded in any way to the last letter I left her. We’re getting a divorce, and my life is falling apart around me. On top of all that, it’s the anniversary of losing Eden. It’s always the hardest day of the year. It’s even harder without Heidi.

I just can’t do life today.

Sitting in this house with my soon-to-be-ex in-laws is driving me crazy. They’ve both been tiptoeing around me, looking sad, and while I can’t blame them, I can’t deal with it either. Eventually, I text Colby.

Me: Meet me at Big Blue in thirty.

Colby: Sure, I never have plans.

I don’t bother responding because he’s coming. That’s all that matters. I grab my wallet and keys and leave the house without saying a word to Gemma or Sam, slamming the door on my way out.

I beat Colby there and have had a few drinks by the time he arrives.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asks, sitting down next to me.

“Where do you want me to start? My wife is divorcing me and this is the day I lost my daughter.” I take another shot. “Maybe I should get injured next or get fired and have a trifecta of shit on my doorstep.”

“Maybe you should slow down,” he suggests when I down another shot.

“No, thanks. Sober or drunk, it’s still the same life. How could she do this to me? After everything we’ve been through, she wants to leave like none of it mattered,” I slur.

“We all deal with pain differently,” he begins.

“I don’t care! We’re married. It means something.” I throw back another shot.

“You really need to slow down, Jordan.”

“I just want Heidi,” I complain like a lovesick fool. I’ve been one since I met her and even now, when she’s ripping my heart out and feeding it to the lions, I still want to wrap her in my arms, make her pain go away, and love her for the rest of my life. “I just want Heidi,” I repeat in a whisper.

SHE WOULD HAVE been three years old today. She would be walking, talking, playing with dolls, and laughing. What would she sound like? Jordan said she looked like me when we spent time with her before the doctors took her away, would she still? Would she be a daddy’s girl or would she be attached to me?

“Heidi.”

I turn and Skye is looking back at me.

“You okay?”

“Yes, I’m...great.” Everyone, including myself, is tired of the word
fine
. Plus, I’m getting much better at lying.

“You really look sad today,” Skye says softly. “Is it because Jordan came by the other day?”

“Nah. I don’t mind cutting his hair. The last person who did mutilated it. He can’t have it that way and be in front of the cameras.” I turn back to the computer. I have the spreadsheet open, but I haven’t entered the first entry yet for today’s totals.

“Do you want to come out with us?”

“No. I’m going to finish this and then go have dinner with my parents,” I inform her.

“Okay. Well, if you need me or anything, call me.” Skye smiles and then heads out.

I give up on doing the books. I can’t concentrate right now anyway. I turn everything off and I’m about to head out when the phone rings. I don’t want to miss out on a customer, so I pick it up.

“Above a Dream salon, this is Heidi.”

“Heidi Johnson? Jordan Johnson’s wife...um...ex-wife?”

My heart skips a beat. “Yes.” A thousand scenarios run through my head. Is he dead? Did he have an accident? Did he get hit with a baseball in the head?

“This is Colby Wilson. I play with Jordan and listen, we’re down here at the bar, and he’s messed up pretty bad. I can get him home, but he shouldn’t be alone.”

“Messed up? Is he drunk?” I’m in shock. Jordan might have a beer now and then, but he never, ever gets drunk.

“Yep and really bad.”

I can’t let him be alone either. I know my parents are out too. “Go take him home and I’ll meet you there.” I hang up and gather my purse, keys, and double check everything is locked.

I head out of town toward the house Jordan bought when we moved to Memphis. I hate this house. It’s not home, even though Jordan tried so hard to make it that way. Home is South Carolina, where we met, fell in love, got married, and had Eden. Tennessee is a great place and I love my business, but I still feel out of place.

Jordan always made me feel like I was home. Now, that’s all changed because we’re a few weeks away from our divorce. As I pull into the driveway of Jordan’s house, I remind myself to call the attorney to see how the paperwork is going.

Colby is with Jordan on the porch swing as I walk up the steps.

“Hi,” I announce myself.

“Heidi?”

I nod.

“I’m Colby. Sorry to meet you this way.”

“It’s fine.” I glance at Jordan who is hunched over and moaning about something I can’t make out. “I’ve got it from here.” I quickly unlock the door since I still haven’t given my key back.

“I can help you get him to the bedroom, if you want,” Colby offers kindly.

“Oh, no. I can handle him.” I smile politely.

“All right.” Colby nods and then heads back to his car.

I stare at Jordan who is now leaning all the back on the swing. “Pretty stars. So many pretty stars.”

I look up and all I see is the top of the porch. “Come on, drunk Jordan. It’s time to get you upstairs.” I tug on his arm until he stands. He’s like a newborn foal on their legs for the first time. “Jordan!” I yell at him. “Stand up.”

He listens to my command and together we make it to the bedroom, even though I have to tell him every time to step up. I maneuver him to the edge of the bed and sit him down.

“Heidi. My Heidi. I love my Heidi so much.” He keeps repeating himself to the point that I hate the sound of my name.

“Lift your arms,” I order him and he does. I yank on the t-shirt until it comes off. I should divert my gaze, but as always, it lands on his chest. Above his heart are two tattoos. One is my name, and the other is Eden’s. I love those tattoos. He got my name right after we got engaged and he had Eden’s done when we finally settled on a name. The memories of the nights lying on his chest and tracing those tattoos are more than I can handle right now.

“It’s my fault.” Jordan stares at me. “It’s all my fault.”

“What is, Jordan?” I untie his shoes.

“Eden. It’s my fault.”

I stop and look up at him. “What do you mean?”

“I shouldn’t have been gone so much. I should have been home taking care of you. I should have been there to wait on you hands and feets.”

I smile at the words
hands and
feets
. “It’s not you. It was me.” It’s a burden I carry with me.

“No. No. No. Not my perfect Heidi.” He smoothes my hair. It’s the first time he’s touched me in a long time. “You’re perfect. So perfect. I’m the screw up.”

I don’t answer him and finish taking off his shoes, but I don’t even attempt to take off his pants. He’ll be fine to sleep in them. “Lie down and get some rest,” I instruct him. “I’ll get you a bottle of water and aspirin.”

“No. No. No.” He shakes his head and almost falls off the bed. “Don’t leave me, Heidi. I can’t bear it. I can’t bear the thought of you away from me for two seconds. I can’t lose you and Eden. I can’t lose the two loves of my life. I can’t do it.” His brown eyes are wet with tears and slowly, they spill onto his cheeks. Jordan is crying. I’ve never seen him cry. Ever.

“Jordan—”

“No, please.” He falls to his knees and wraps his arms around my thighs, burying his face into my stomach. “I need you. You’re my wife, my best friend, and my lover. I’ve only ever loved you,” he sobs.

My heart is breaking at his words. “Please, you know this is for the best.”

“No.” That is obviously his new favorite word. He stands and grabs my face. The alcohol is seeping from him. “We made vows. We love each other. We had a baby together, a house, a life, and you’re taking it all away.”

“Jordan, I’m not,” I try to reason with him. “This is for the best. We both need to move on.”

“Heidi,” he growls and drops his hands, falling back on the bed. “You are the air I breathe. You are my soul. I can’t do anything without you.”

I kneel down next to him. “You’re going to be fine without me. You’re going to find someone who is amazing and loves you more than I ever could.” My heart breaks even more hearing the words leave my mouth. “I will always care for you.”

“Bullshit!” Jordan yells at me. “You fucking love me and you know it, but you’re too damn scared to say it anymore.”

“I care for you so much,” I repeat again. “There will always be room in my life for you,” I try to console him.

“I’m not a damn dog. I’m your husband. I’m Eden’s father. Do you want to break us up because of her? Would she want it that way? Would you be leaving me if she hadn’t left us?” The tears roll down his face faster and I can’t believe it. He’s seriously crying for us. “You’re my Heidi, and I can’t be me without you.”

This is the sentence that breaks me. The heartache, the anger, and all the pain comes out in a sob. I can’t even believe I’m here sobbing in front of him, and my head falls onto his lap. I’ve loved Jordan since the moment I met him. He’s the only man I want to be with. But I can’t be with him. The pain is too much for me.

“Please, don’t do this to us,” he repeats several times over and over.

I lift my head and stand up. “I have to leave now.” I turn to rush out of the room, but Jordan grabs my wrist and jerks me onto his lap. It feels familiar to me, being in his arms.

“I’m not going to stop trying. Every day of my life, I will make you realize I’m the only one for you and you’re the only one for me.”

Before I can push away from him, his lips are on mine. The softness of his lips contrasts the hardness of the kiss. I miss his touch. Jordan always knew how to turn me on, more than any other man in my past. I relax against him and for a moment, I let him command me the way he has before.

Even though I can taste the alcohol on him, and I know he’s still drunk, he maneuvers me onto my back. I open my legs to cradle him in between them. He begins to fumble with my shirt and reality comes back. I’m not on the pill and this could go too far, too fast, and I can’t let it. I want to, but I can’t let it happen.

I break away from Jordan and push him off of me. I grab my purse and run as fast as my legs will take me out of the house, out to my car, and away from Jordan. All the while, he’s still calling my name and I can still see the tears on his cheeks.

AS THE MEMORIES of last night run through my head again, I don’t know if I should wince or pat myself on the back. The massive, pounding headache this morning which made my head feel as if it was going to split apart makes me want to cringe, but when I think about the fact that maybe I broke through with Heidi, I feel on top of the world. I don’t remember every single little thing that was said, but I definitely remember kissing her before she ran away.

I tap my pen on the legal pad. I’ve been sitting at the kitchen table in front of this blank sheet of paper for too long. I can’t decide if I should start with
I’m sorry
or with something else. If I want to drop this off before dinner with the team, I need to get busy. With a deep breath, I start writing.

To my wife,

I wish I could say last night was the first time I’ve been drunk in a long time, but it’s not. Shocking, right? Overall, I’m not a fan of alcohol past a beer or two, but sometimes, with the life I have now, it’s hard to deal with and alcohol is oddly soothing for a few hours. So, I’m sorry Colby dragged you over here. I should probably apologize for everything I said and did, but I’m not going to.

This divorce, you walking away, it’s killing me. It’s hard to fathom that two people who still love each other are willingly (for you, anyway) walking away from one another. You can’t argue with me on that. I love you. You love me. That hasn’t changed.

Everything else has. For you, anyway.

What’s going to happen afterward?

Last night, you told me there will always be room for me in your life. How? You’re leaving me. You don’t want to see me now more than you have to. Guess you didn’t mean that. Even if you did, if this gets finalized, I’ll write one last letter and stay away from you and your parents. The most you’ll have to worry about is running into me if I visit Eden. Memories will be all I can handle and will be all I’ll have.