Jordan (Season Two: The Ninth Inning #5) (11 page)

I wipe the tears away, gather my untouched food, and run as fast as I can in the sand back into the house. I slide the patio door shut and lock it as if I’m trying to keep those thoughts away from my reality. I will not think like that. I’m divorcing Jordan. There will not be anymore stupid, girly daydreams about having a family with him because that won’t ever happen.

I search for my keys and I drive to the one place I want to be the most. I head to Eden.

The sun is hanging low in the sky as I still sit on the grass staring at the stunning headstone of a perfectly carved angel sleeping on top of the marker. I trace the outline of Eden Michelle Johnson. Jordan added the words: Heaven’s Newest Angel. I can’t even remember picking this headstone out because I was in a zombie-like state. My life for the first six months after her death is a fog to me. I barely left the bed. Jordan had to go play ball, but I remained under the covers and prayed I would wake up from the nightmare.

I hear a car pulling up on the gravel driveway behind me. My heart knows it’s Jordan. I don’t have to look up. I know.

The car door slams shut and the footsteps shuffling through the grass comes closer to me. After a second, it stops and then he sits next to me. I can smell his cologne, but I don’t move my eyes from Eden’s stone angel. His knees are bent and he’s resting his arms on them. I’m not sure if he’s waiting for me to talk first or not, but in a strange way, I’m glad he’s here.

“I’m taking it you’re still the one sending the flowers every week for them to be placed here.” I point to the three long stem roses in front of the grayish stone. He did it when she first passed away, but I figured he’d stopped by now.

“Yeah. I like knowing there is something pretty here.”

“I thought you would have stopped by now.” I stop talking for a moment. “Why did you decide to come? I’m here because I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”

“I don’t know. Between the anniversary and being around the team and their families and everything else, I needed this place.”

“I did too. I’ve been sitting here for hours.” I suddenly become nervous with him sitting here so close to me. “I figured you would be here soon. I guess you can call it a feeling or whatever. After I saw your text, I just knew.”

“This was my first stop after renting a car.” We fall back into silence until he finally speaks up again. “Where is your car?”

“At the salon. The battery or something broke in it and I have a rental until I can find someone to come and fix it. Why? Did you leave another letter on my car?” I’m only half-joking with him. I’m getting accustomed to his letters.

“Yeah, and I think I was pretty nice this time.” He chuckles. “I’ll look at your car when I get back and see if I can fix it.”

“You don’t have to, Jordan. I’m sure you have enough going on with the team and traveling.” I can’t keep having him around me all the time. I need to stop relying on him so much.

“It’s not a big deal. I’ll have time.”

I’m not going to argue with him. He’s going to come anyway, even if I say not to. “Well, I guess it’ll be fine then. I mean, we still care about each other, right?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

“I didn’t lie that night when I said there will always be a place in my life for you. It might not be as my husband, but as a person I care for.” We have a past and it will always tie us together no matter what we think.

“That’s not good enough for me, Heidi.”

“We can’t be married. We are on different paths. It’s my fault this happened to us. I know deep down it is.” I can’t keep going over this again and again. He needs to understand and move on.

“If it’s your fault, then why don’t you do something to fix it?” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to argue with you. I just wanted to come see Eden.”

“It’s why I’m here, too. And I don’t want to argue you either.” I hate arguing with him. I really do. I don’t like it and I know he doesn’t either. We’re both adults and we had an amazing life together, and I will always care for him. “Without you reading too much into this, may I ask you a question?”

“Go for it.”

“That first time you came into the shop, did you hit on me because I was hot or just because you were a horn-dog?”

Jordan laughs. “Both. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I had to have you.”

“Ah, so you were drunk. I thought you were.” For the first time, in what feels like a long time, I giggle.

“To this day, I still don’t know what made you give me your name. You should have made me work harder.”

“You had me at
baseball player
. No matter how cocky you were, I was going to see you in those damn baseball pants.”

He laughs and it echoes a bit through the graveyard. “I should have realized that afterward, I guess. And I wasn’t cocky. I had an excess of confidence. There’s a difference.”

I can’t help the snort. “You’re such a liar. You walked in and you thought you had me in the bag because you had every other woman in that salon falling over you.”

“No, I walked in and knew I had you because you wanted to fall over me, but resisted. You just needed a little push.”

“A little push?” He has said it to me more than once in our relationship. I know I need a kick in the pants every once in a while. “I know you know this, but I fell in love with you on the first date. No one
pushed
me to fall in love with you.”

“One date and you were mine.” He bumps my shoulder. “See, I had all that confidence because I’m that good.” His grin says it all.

“Well, you still have a lot charm in you. Your next girlfriend will be a lucky woman.” I can hear my own sadness. Jordan having another woman in his life is still hard for me to think about, but it’s needed.

“I know you think I’m full of shit and kidding myself, but there’s not going to be a next girlfriend. There’s never going to be anyone else.”

“So, for the rest of your life, you’re going to continue to chase me and leave notes all around just like you did when we were together? What happens if my...new boyfriend doesn’t like it?” I stammer on the word
boyfriend
. Would I date again? I assume I would, but I haven’t really thought about it. I’m sure Jordan hasn’t either. Even thinking about it this second makes my stomach turn a bit. Another man who isn’t Jordan? I shake my head hoping to remove the image.

“No, I’m not going to chase you forever.” His tone is harsh, and I can almost feel his anger. “I’ll stop once we’re officially divorced. I wouldn’t want to ruin your chances of being happy again, even if it’s with someone other than me.”

I’m stunned. What will my world be like without Jordan in it, chasing me, taunting me, or just being there? “Oh, right. That’s smart because...well, yeah.” I can’t say what I’m really thinking, so I stop talking all together.

“But there’s always the option of not doing this.”

The tears fill my eyes quickly, and I sniff. “I have to do this, Jordan. I have to do it for you and me. I wish you could see it from my side. I ruined our lives, and now I have to repair myself. I
need
to find me again. I can’t do that when I’m around you because you want so much more than I do. You are so full of life. You need to be happy. I can’t drag that away from you.”

“Don’t say you’re doing this for me. You’re not. You’re doing it for you and you alone. All I want is you. I didn’t realize I was asking for so much more. I get you finding yourself again and all of that, but you’re wrong on everything else. Do I look happy and full of life to you? Because if I do, it’s all fake. The one thing I need to be happy is leaving me and at the end of the day, there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop you.”

I don’t say anything right away and let his words sink in. I know he’s not seeing the big picture right now, but he will. “All I ever wanted to do was not hurt you. I wanted this to be as easy as possible for us both. You have to believe me.”

“I do.” He looks over at the gravestone. “You’ve been away from me for over a year and things haven’t gotten better. What makes you think a divorce will help? Have you ever stopped to consider that I’m exactly what you need if you would just let me be there? You’ve pushed me away constantly since the moment she died.”

Jordan is right. However, the divorce will be the best for both of us. I don’t want to part this way. He is too good a man and I don’t want this to end this way. Our lives and relationship means too much to me. I want it to end better than this. “I have an idea, Jordan, but you cannot and I mean must not, read more into it than the words I’m saying, okay?”

“What’s your idea?”

“Maybe there might be the tiniest bit of truth to what you said. Maybe. However, maybe we both need a night of normalcy. It would be a change from my other nights. So, how about we say bye to Eden until next time and we grab some dinner together. You know, like old times.”

Without thinking, he stands and holds out his hand to me. “Let’s go.”

I follow Jordan to the beach house and we leave his car and take my rental. We head to a small family restaurant, which has the best burgers around. It’s nice to sit and have a meal with him. He tells me all about his teammates and the pranks they play on each other. I tell him all about the girls and the hair salon business. He seems proud of me and it makes me feel good.

When we finish our meal, we end up parking the car back at the beach house and walking along the beach together, holding hands. It’s comfortable because we’ve done it a hundred times before. It’s something we did when we stayed here in the offseason.

We take a seat on the sand, still holding each other’s hand and listen to the waves. I love this sound. It’s one of the greatest sounds in the world. The moonlight makes the waves glitter. I close my eyes and inhale the sea salt and I can’t remember when I felt this relaxed.

I stand up. Jordan follows me and we head toward the house.

“I need to go find a hotel room.” Jordan is still holding my hand.

“Why?”

“Well, I don’t feel like sleeping in the car.” He tilts his head.

“Jordan,” I shake my head. “You can stay at the house. I’m not that big of a bitch.” I pull my hand softly from his grasp and walk inside.

I stroll over to the kitchen and grab a glass. I let the cold water run for a second before filling the glass and gulping down half of it. I don’t turn around because I can feel Jordan’s heat from where I’m standing. I sit the glass down and grip countertop. He is getting closer and the tension in the air turns from quiet to sexual.

Jordan’s chest is now touching my back, and he slowly traces my wrists with his fingertips. His touch scorches my skin as he begins to trail up my arms. I shiver and tilt my head to the left. Jordan’s lips ever so softly brush my ear and he gently sucks my ear lobe. My knees go weak, and I think they might buckle. He pushes his hips forward, and I’m pinned between him and the counter.

“Let me love you.” His hot breath tickles my skin. “Let me love you like I’ve done before. Let me take away the pain for the night.”

I didn’t have to think about the answer. “Yes,” I moan.

Jordan spins me around and ravages my lips. The first time Jordan kissed me was magical, and it’s the same now. He picks me up and sits me on the counter. I dig my nails into his neck as he does the same to my thighs. The one thing I quickly learned about Jordan the first time we had sex together is he likes it a little rough and he knows how to pleasure me at the same time.

“I want you in our bed,” he murmurs against my lips.

“Yes,” I breathe out.

He tucks his arms under my thighs and back and picks me up. I love his strength. We continue to kiss as he makes his way to the bedroom. He releases my legs and gently places on my feet. He takes a small step back, turns on the light, and stares at me. We’re both breathing heavily.

I make the quick decision to leave all my feelings, pain, and confusion at the door. Tonight, I’m going to enjoy Jordan and the night of normalcy. I think back to the first time we had sex; it’ll be fun to bring back some of my old moves.

I take a step back and tug off my shirt and shorts in a quick motion. I’m standing in front of him in my bra and string bikini underwear. Jordan looks me up and down licking his lip. Oh, I do love his tongue. I reach behind and unhook my bra and toss it to the side. I pop my hip out, placing my hand on it.

“Are you going to make me undress you, too? I didn’t peg you as a lazy man in bed,” I tease him.

“Oh, I’m not.” He yanks his shirt over his head, and I falter for a quick second seeing his tattoos. I push it away and focus on his brown eyes. When I see him drop his jeans, he’s more than ready for me, and seeing it only gets me wetter.

So much for looking in his eyes.

He’s on me before I can blink, and we’re on the bed with me flat on my back. He pins my hands above my head, and I know they’ll only be there for a moment. He kisses me down my neck and chest. He releases my hands and works his lips and tongue down my stomach before he takes off my underwear.

As Jordan assaults me with his fingers and tongue, I feel the fire in my belly about to blow. It’s been so long since feeling him on me. I would never admit to him that when I masturbate, I think of him. He’d never let me live it down.