Just a Little Faith (25 page)

****

Paxson's nerves
left her feeling nauseous
and continuously looking at her watch
.
O
nly five minutes
more and she'd step out on
to
the field to sing. S
he
wanted to be
anywhere
else
than standing in the Cardinal dugout
.
She tried to picture herself at the beach with Seb,
before
she remembered he was the reason
for
this mess
.
I
t only got her nerves going more. She attempted to reason with herself
.
Th
is
i
s no different than when
I
s
i
ng to the kids at the hospital
.
S
he looked around the corner at the stands full of people
.
B
utterflies flew around
h
er stomach
with no place to land.

She saw Sebastian come out of the tunnel which connected the locker rooms to the dugout
,
and walk in her direction. The smile on his face
combined with
the brightness of his eyes
sooth
ed
her
.
Taking
his outstretched hand,
he
met
her eyes. “You are going to be amazing. I
'll
be standing right there
.
”
He
p
oint
ed
to the other end of the dugout. “Keep your eyes on me
,
if you like. But I promise you, when
you're
done, you will only hear the roar of the crowd.”

She nodded
. H
e squeezed her hands
giving
her a quick kiss on the cheek
before walking away
.

Dear Lord, you know how absolutely covered in nerves I am right now. I know this is a silly request, considering everything you have going on in the world right now, but give me just five minutes of peace if you can. Just long enough to get through this. I would appreciate it so much.

And also, give me the strength to not kill Sebastian when this is over. I don't think the team would appreciate hi
m
not being there this season.

S
he heard the public address announcer ask for the people in the stands to rise and remove their hats for the singing of the National Anthem.
Her
name
was
announced
.
S
he couldn't
chicken out
now
.
S
he walked out to the microphone stationed behind home plate.

Pax took a deep breath
,
glancing over the crowd and the teams on the field.
S
he
caught Sebastian's eye.
His
face br
o
k
e
out into a big grin, his
hand form
ing
a “thumbs up”.
Taking a long
,
slow
,
deep breath,
calmness c
a
me over her
and
the first note left her
lips
.

When
the song
ended
,
the crowd cheer
ed with wild abandon
.
A
rush came over her
that
she couldn't explain.
It
had to be
one of the most wonderful feelings she
'd
experienced
.
A
ll at once
,
her desire to kill Seb dissolved
, replaced with
a strong desire to
shower him with kisses
. He gave her one more thumbs up and tipped h
is cap
before
put
ting
it back on
and
slipping
into the dugout to get his gear.
Shaking her head
,
she stepped away from the microphone.
Giving her
this
gentle nudge
,
he'
d
provided her an experience like none other.
What a
lucky girl
she was
to have him in her life.

The game
that
followed
filled Pax with excitement and more nervous moments. She'd never watched a game when she personally knew several of the players on the field. It made a difference in her enjoyment level. She found herself
biting her nails
every time Seb came to the plate
, o
r when a fly ball
flew
in his direction.
If
I am
this crazed at a Spring Training game
, what in the world will
happen in
the
regular season
?
She tried to remind herself
that
a
s one of the team's best
players
,
it wasn't like he was trying out for a roster spot.
He was on the team.
Spring Training allowed him more time for gett
ing good exercise and practice in
,
but even
then she couldn't
keep her nerves at bay.

After the game ended, she waited
outside the locker room
,
down the block from the field
.
Being
this was
t
he first time she
'
d been with the families of the players in this environment
,
she
felt almost like she didn't fit in. A s
mile crossed her face when
Traci, Linc's wife
,
plodded
across the grass
with
two
smiling
tow-headed boys
—one
in each hand
.
A
pproach
ing, the pretty blonde
gave
Pax
a big hug hello. “Girl! I didn't know you had a voice on you!
Seb
mentioned to Linc
that
he
hoped
to set something up for you to sing… Wow
!
What a treat!”

Paxson blushed from the praise
,
but secretly
reveled in
it. “Thanks. I almost killed him when he told me what he had done. But I am glad it turned out well. It
'
s a hurdle for me to overcome
,
but I guess he's pretty good
at
motivation.”

Traci laughed
,
hugging her one more time
.

Chatting
together
while
Traci's
boys played in a grassy area near the sidewalk, Pax learned Traci and her sons were leaving tomorrow. She hated they hadn't gotten
more time
to visit.

Using her hand to shield the sun from her eyes, Traci checked on her sons across the sidewalk. “We have to get together when the boys get back in town. Maybe after opening game? I'll find a sitter for the kids
,
and we can go to a nice restaurant.”

“I'll check with Seb
,
but I'm sure he'd be happy to do it.”

“I'll hold you to
that
.
I'm putting
it
on the calendar, in pen
.
”

They were still laughing when
the players came out of the locker room area. Seb pulled Pax into his arms sp
inning
her around. “I told you, didn't I? You just needed to have a little faith in yourself.”

“Okay. I guess you were right. I am glad you pretty much forced me into doing it. But remember, this is not an open invitation for you to do it again without asking, okay?”

Sebastian smiled as he put her down. “I got it. Don't take Pax for granted. Check.” A
s
he pulled her close again for another bear hug
,
Paxson soak
ed
up
his affection and encouragement.

 

The next two days
they spent relaxing at the beach
and
attending
games at the ball park. Paxson thoroughly enjoyed
being
not only with Seb
,
but also Rangy. Seb
's
excitement bubbled over
when
he introduced her to Carter Manning, the young man he'd taken under his wing. Pax instantly saw the connection between them, knowing by spending time with the young man
,
Seb's heart
c
ould
begin to heal from the tragedy of his past.

Sorry to see her short visit come to a close, Pax
concentrated on
the fact that
in only
three weeks
,
Seb would
be
back in St. Louis for the opening game of the season. Of course, it also
meant
start
ing
up a schedule of
him
only being in the city for a few days at a time,
with
road trips sprinkled throughout the coming months.
His passion for the game drove him
,
and i
f she wanted him in her life, she would have to learn to deal with it.
S
he also knew if he wanted to stay in her life, he would have to understand her passion, being a follower of Christ.

T
heir last evening together, Paxson f
elt
uneasy.
Sitting on the couch in her rented condo, she stared at her duffle bag on the floor. Tucked away in the bag,
she
'd
hid
den
a gift for Seb
.
Her desire to give it to him wan
ed
with every moment. S
he didn'
t want to ruin their short time together.

Since their few weeks apart, Pax's desires to talk about spiritual matters with Seb increased. For some reason, the start of baseball season sparked
the
realization she couldn't remain
i
n the relationship
for much longer
. They'd
been together five months
,
and a
lthough Seb went
to church with her sporadically
, Pax didn't think he'd made any progress in seeing thi
ng
s from a spiritual point of view.

F
rom talking to Rangy,
Linc,
and Traci,
she knew
he
kept
away from the women and the bars.
H
appy to hear this
, she still doubted whether his moti
vation
came
out of a respect for God as well.
S
he needed to ask him about things and deal with the consequences
of his answers
.

Dear Lord. I don't know why, but this night, this dinner with Seb seems like it has to be a decision point between us. As wonderful as the past few days have been, I know I need to be concentrating on living my life for You. In doing that, I have
to
figure out where Seb fits into all of this, knowing the answer may be in telling him goodbye. Give me the strength to make the right choice.

Pax
walked over from her
condo
,
a
wrapped box in her hand
,
and knocked on
his front door
.
O
pen
ing
it
with a tired smile
on his face,
Seb's
hair
was
tousled
;
a
pparent
ly
he
'd been asleep
when she knocked. “Bash! I'm sorry I woke you.”

U
sher
ing
her in the condo
, he
allayed her worries
. “Oh no
,
it's okay. I needed to get up. Let me order the food
,
and it
'
ll be here in twenty minutes or so. Chinese is okay
,
right?”

A
nswer
ing
in the affirmative
, she s
at on the couch, unsure of what to do with the box in her hand. She didn't want to stow it away from view, but
her nerves
got the best of her
,
and she started to stuff it under the couch
when she heard his voice. “
Food will be in here in thirty…w
hat's in the box?”

Swallowing hard, she
looked up.
“I brought this
for you. I
'
ve been thinking about giving it to you for a while
,
and well, I decided today
seemed
the day to do it. I hope you will take it in the spirit it is given.”

“Well, now you have my curiosity
piqued
.”
Sitting down beside her, she
hesitated before presenting him with the gift.

Carefully p
eeling
off the
wrapping he found a plain box sealed together with a piece of tape on each end.
Undoing
the tape
he
lifted off the cover
and
unwrapp
ed
the tissue paper covering the gift. “Oh
,
wow. This was
…
unexpected.”

Paxson's heart sank. His reaction
confirmed her fears
.
“I know it isn't anything you have ever asked for, but I felt it was the right time to present it. I
got it a
while
ago
and never got up the nerve to give it to you. I
actually
planned to give it to you before you left for Spring Training, but I chickened out and kept it in the car at the airport. But like I said, I hope you take it knowing I didn't give it to you without much thought beforehand.”

Taking the
black leather Bible out of the box and tissue pape
r, Seb fingered over his name
engraved
in gold
on the front.
H
e opened the pages,
finding some of them stuck together from the
silver
finish on the edge of the pages.

“I don't take this lightly at all
,
Pax. I know a gift like this means a lot to you. I just don't know if
I'm
ready to try and figure out everything that's in this. I still am unsure about a lot of things.”

“I know. I just thought at least you should have a Bible on hand if you ever decided to study further. And if you have any questions on what's in there, I will try
to
help you as much as I can.”

R
each
ing
over
,
he
took her hand. “Thank you
,
Pax. I appreciate you thinking of me and wanting to help me out.”

Although
relieved he hadn't rejected it
altogether
, she
had
hoped he would be more willing to study with her.
Feeling somewhat heartbroken, she sighed. If he was determined to
remain stagnant in his spiritual life
, then she needed to move on
. The thought of being without him covered her heart in darkness.