Authors: Karl Pilkington
I
entered. The decor was all shades of brown. The only
o
t
h
er co
l
our came
f
rom a
f
ew p
l
ants. Not nice-
l
oo
k
in
g
pl
ants, t
h
ou
gh
: t
h
ere was a cactus an
d
a
f
ew o
f
t
h
e ones t
h
at
h
ave t
h
ic
k
, ru
bb
er
y
-
l
oo
k
in
g
l
eaves. Me Aunt
y
Nora
h
as
l
oads of them. She takes a cutting off every plant she passes, she’s like Edward bloody Scissorhands. I think these plants are ca
ll
e
d
ru
bb
er
pl
ants. T
h
e
y
’re t
h
e sort o
f
pl
ants t
h
at can survive in t
h
e
h
ars
h
est o
f
con
d
itions,
b
ut en
d
u
p
in
pl
aces
l
ike libraries and dentist’s waiting rooms. Seeing as Nora spends a lot of time in doctor’s waiting rooms, this is pro
b
a
bl
y w
h
y s
h
e
h
as a
l
ot o
f
ru
bb
er p
l
ants.
I
t was too
q
uiet
f
or m
y
l
i
k
in
g
. A
ll
I cou
ld
h
ear was a
b
uzz
f
rom t
h
e
fl
uorescent
l
i
gh
ts an
d
t
h
e o
dd
cou
gh
. I a
s
sociate coughs with libraries and snooker matches, as it’s the
o
nly time I ever notice them. The woman at the counter
l
oo
k
e
d
over
h
er
gl
asses (
p
eo
pl
e w
h
o rea
d
a
l
ot a
l
wa
y
s
h
ave
gl
asses, w
h
ic
h
is enou
gh
evi
d
ence
f
or me t
h
at rea
d
in
g
wears
y
our eyes out, even though my English teacher didn’t agree
w
ith me). She didn’t look happy in her work and looked quite o
ld
, even t
h
oug
h
s
h
e pro
b
a
bl
y wasn’t. I won
d
ere
d
i
f
she was tired and didn’t sleep well due to the fact that her
e
ars are in si
l
ence a
ll
d
a
y
, so w
h
en s
h
e
g
oes
h
ome an
d
g
oes to
b
e
d
t
h
ere wou
ld
b
e more noise t
h
an
h
er ears are use
d
to in her working hours. Work can really mess up your body. I had a mate who worked in a toilet in a club doing that thin
g
wh
ere t
h
ey pass you t
h
e soap an
d
a towe
l
to
d
ry your
h
an
d
s.
H
e sai
d
t
h
e main
p
er
k
o
f
t
h
e
j
o
b
was t
h
at
h
e cou
ld
h
ave
l
oa
d
s o
f
l
oo
b
rea
k
s,
b
ut
h
is
bl
a
dd
er
g
ot
l
az
y
cos it never
h
a
d
to get used to holding liquid cos he would empty it every ten minutes or so. When he left the job and went on to
b
e an e
l
ectrician, it too
k
a
g
es
f
or
h
im to
g
o
b
ac
k
to not using
t
h
e toi
l
et as o
f
ten
.
I
got off to a bad start in the library as I wasn’t wearing the right clothing. Everything seemed to make a noise. T
h
e poc
k
ets on my com
b
at pants were so
b
ig t
h
ey
l
et t
h
e c
h
an
g
e ratt
l
e a
b
out. Not a
g
oo
d
d
esi
g
n, rea
lly
– i
f
I was in combat the enemy would have heard me a mile off.
A
n
d
my nylon waterproof coat rubbed as I walked. I was getting looks. The only other noise came from an old fella
wh
o
k
e
p
t mutterin
g
to
h
imse
lf
an
d
b
reat
h
e
d
q
uite
h
eavi
ly
,
b
ut
p
eo
pl
e
d
i
d
n’t
g
ive
h
im t
h
e
d
irt
y
l
oo
k
s t
h
e
y
were
g
ivin
g
m
e.
I w
e
n
t
to
t
h
e
n
ea
r
est
a
i
s
l
e.
I
t
f
eatu
r
ed
boo
k
s
o
n
t
h
e
a
r
t
of
Japanese swor
d
smans
h
ip.
Y
ou wouldn’t think so much
cou
ld
b
e sai
d
on t
h
e topic. I pic
k
e
d
one at ran
d
om: it was a
step-by-step guide to sword fighting using stickman-style
d
rawin
g
s, w
h
ic
h
were
h
ar
d
to
f
o
ll
ow. It
l
oo
k
e
d
l
i
k
e t
h
e 70s
k
i
d
s’ animation
Bod
had been re-done by Quentin Taran
tino. I looked to see when it was last stamped out: someone had borrowed it in July 1983. I was eleven when this book
l
ast
l
e
f
t t
h
e
l
i
b
rary. T
h
is is w
h
y I
d
on’t
l
i
k
e Suzanne
b
u
ying
b
oo
k
s – t
h
e
y
h
an
g
aroun
d
f
orever even t
h
ou
gh
y
ou’re
n
ot usin
g
t
h
em. I
h
ave a ru
l
e t
h
at i
f
somet
h
in
g
in our
fl
at doesn’t get used within three months, it’s got to go. Su
z
anne got annoyed with me in March when she opened t
h
e to
p
o
f
t
h
e war
d
ro
b
e to
fi
n
d
I’
d
g
ot ri
d
o
f
t
h
e C
h
ristmas tree,
b
ut a ru
l
e is a ru
l
e. I wou
ld
n’t
b
e t
h
at
b
a
d
i
f
s
h
e wasn’t
suc
h
a
h
oa
r
de
r
.