Karlology (19 page)

I
f
reincarnation
d
oes ex
ist, I wouldn’t want to come
b
ack as a stick insect. I’d rather come back as a real twig: at
l
east I wou
ld
n’t
h
ave any enemies, an
d
I’
d
b
e t
h
e rea
l
t
h
in
g
as o
pp
ose
d
to an imitator. Sa
y
in
g
t
h
at, it cou
ld
b
e worse.
I
’ve
h
ear
d
t
h
e
g
iant swa
ll
owtai
l
cater
p
i
ll
ar
l
oo
k
s
l
i
k
e
b
ir
d
p
oo, which isn’t a great look is it
.

O
n
p
ets
d
a
y
we
h
a
d
to stan
d
at t
h
e
f
ront o
f
c
l
ass an
d
ta
lk
a
b
out our
p
ets. T
h
e
k
i
d
wit
h
t
h
e stic
k
insect stru
ggl
e
d
to ma
k
e it soun
d
excitin
g
. He sai
d
t
h
e
b
est t
h
in
g
a
b
out t
h
em is they’re really cheap to keep, which I thought wasn’t the
b
est reason to have one. Bamboo isn’t that expensive, but I
w
ou
ld
n’t want a pan
d
a
l
iving in me
h
ouse. My pet magpie
w
asn’t ex
p
ensive to
f
ee
d
,
b
ut it
d
i
d
p
o
p
t
h
e t
y
res on m
y
R
a
leigh
G
rifter a few times, so I got rid of it (the magpie, not t
h
e
G
ri
f
ter). Me mam
k
e
p
t te
ll
in
g
me it wasn’t wise to
have a magpie as a pet, as if you see one magpie it’s supposed to be a sign of bad luck. Saying that, my magpie brought
pl
enty o
f
l
uc
k
to t
h
e
f
e
ll
a w
h
o owne
d
t
h
e
b
i
k
e s
h
op cos t
y
res
f
or a Ra
l
ei
gh
Gri
f
ter weren’t c
h
ea
p.

T
h
e t
h
in
g
t
h
at amaze
d
me most on m
y
tri
p
to t
h
e zoo
w
as seeing how things have evolved. A lot of creatures have started lying. They’ve gone from having great camouflage, to
d
eve
l
o
p
in
g
p
oisonous
b
ites, to t
h
en
l
ettin
g
enemies
k
now t
h
e
y
are
p
oisonous
by
h
avin
g
b
ri
gh
t
ly
co
l
oure
d
s
k
in. But now quite a lot of them just have the bright colours to make predators think they are dangerous, when in fact they are
l
ying an
d
are
h
arm
l
ess. So I’m guessing t
h
at soon t
h
e
p
re
d
ators wi
ll
evo
l
ve to s
p
ot w
h
en t
h
e
y
are
b
ein
g
l
ie
d
to o
r
c
h
eate
d
, w
h
ic
h
is somet
h
in
g
h
umans
h
ave a
l
rea
dy
l
earnt to
d
o – w
h
ic
h
is
h
ow, no matter w
h
at anyone te
ll
s me, I
d
on’t
b
e
l
ieve sausa
g
e,
b
eans, c
h
i
p
s an
d
a co
k
e s
h
ou
ld
ever cost £10.80
p
.

IT’S
MA
D
THE AM
OU
N
T
o
f
b
oo
k
s t
h
at
h
ave
b
een printed.
O
n
e author reckons we’re getting to the point
w
here there are more people writing books than reading t
h
em. I
p
ut t
h
at
d
own to t
h
e
f
act t
h
at most
p
eo
pl
e en
j
o
y
ta
lk
in
g
more t
h
an t
h
e
y
en
j
o
y
l
istenin
g
. I’m one o
f
t
h
e
f
ew
w
ho doesn’t. If I had to
g
ive u
p
m
y
mouth or m
y
ears, I’d definitely get rid of the mouth. You learn nothing from
y
our own ta
lk
ing. I
k
now everyt
h
ing I’m going to say, I
n
ever sur
p
rise m
y
se
lf
.

I
’ve never
b
een into usin
g
t
h
e
l
i
b
rar
y
. I
d
on’t
l
i
k
e
b
or
r
owing things as I always worry about damaging or lo
s
in
g
t
h
em.
T
h
ere was a
l
i
b
rar
y
at sc
h
oo
l
b
ut I rare
ly
use
d
it as t
h
ere wasn’t t
h
at man
y
b
oo
k
s in it, an
d
t
h
e room was
mainly used as somewhere for ill kids to go and sleep. Fo
r
a
g
es t
h
is is w
hy
I t
h
ou
gh
t
y
ou
h
a
d
to
b
e
q
uiet in a
l
i
b
rar
y
, so as not to wa
k
e u
p
an
y
i
ll
p
eo
pl
e.

Another reason I don’t go to the library is that I don’t
r
ead that many books. People have asked me what my f
a
vourite c
l
assic nove
l
is,
b
ut I’ve never rea
d
one. T
h
e way I see it, t
h
ere’s no rus
h
to rea
d
t
h
e c
l
assics as t
h
e
y
’
ll
a
l
wa
y
s
b
e aroun
d
. I mi
gh
t rea
d
one w
h
en I’m o
ld
er. I
f
I
d
o, t
h
e
y
’
ll
b
e
e
ven more classic by then
.

I
t was Suzanne’s idea that I should join the local library as it wou
ld
b
e a
pl
ace w
h
ere I cou
ld
g
o an
d
sit an
d
wor
k
.
Sh
e
k
new t
h
e
b
ui
ld
in
g
wor
k
g
oin
g
on in t
h
e
bl
oc
k
t
h
at we
l
ive in was annoying me; the heating didn’t work properly due to the faulty boiler; plus we didn’t have a sofa as we’d so
ld
t
h
e o
ld
one to some mates
b
e
f
ore t
h
e new one arrive
d
. Ei
gh
t wee
k
s we
h
a
d
to wait. We were sittin
g
on cus
h
ions an
d
it was startin
g
to
d
o our
h
ea
d
s in. T
h
ere’s a
fl
at across
f
rom ours that we can see into, and it’s owned by some
C
hinese people who always sit on the floor around a low ta
bl
e. I’
d
t
h
ou
gh
t t
h
e
y
d
i
d
t
h
is as
p
art o
f
some o
ld
C
h
inese
b
e
l
ie
f
,
b
ut now I’m won
d
erin
g
i
f
it’s
j
ust
b
ecause t
h
e
y
’re in
t
h
e
sa
m
e
s
i
tuat
i
o
n
as
us
a
n
d
t
h
e
ir n
e
w
so
f
a
a
l
so
h
as
n’
t
tu
rn
ed
up.

Suzanne t
h
in
k
s I s
h
ou
ld
rea
d
more. S
h
e says t
h
ere’s not
hing better than a good book to get the emotions going, but
I
d
on’t t
h
in
k
an
y
b
oo
k
cou
ld
g
et m
y
emotions
g
oin
g
t
h
at muc
h
. T
h
e o
dd
b
oo
k
I
h
ave rea
d
h
as never ma
d
e me
l
au
gh
o
r cry. I’m not that good at reading, so words on a piece of
p
aper can’t get my emotions going. If someone has to give me rea
ll
y
b
a
d
news, t
h
ey s
h
ou
ld
write it
d
own rat
h
er t
h
an te
ll
in
g
me as I won’t
b
e as s
h
oc
k
e
d
or u
p
set. I
d
on’t
b
u
y
t
h
at man
y
b
oo
k
s eit
h
er cos we
l
ive in a rea
lly
sma
ll
fl
at an
d
don’t have the storage space for them. Suzanne keeps bu
y
ing the odd one and sneaking it into the flat. She brought a
b
i
g
b
oo
k
h
ome
by
Terence Conran, ca
ll
e
d
S
mall S
p
ace
s
,
wh
ic
h
is
f
u
ll
o
f
ti
p
s on
h
ow to ma
k
e sma
ll
fl
ats
f
ee
l
b
i
gg
er.
I
’ve told her getting rid of that big book would help. She said it’s a good coffee table book that you can look at again an
d
again. T
h
e
f
act we ain’t got a co
ff
ee ta
bl
e
d
ue to
l
ac
k
o
f
s
p
ace
d
i
d
n’t enter
h
er
h
ea
d.

I
f
e
l
t nervous a
b
out
g
oin
g
into t
h
e
l
i
b
rar
y
. I
f
e
l
t
l
i
k
e I
w
as going into somewhere that wasn’t really aimed at me. I hung about the entrance for a bit and read the notices.

“
C
h
ess &
b
ri
dg
e com
p
etitions on T
h
urs
d
a
y
s
f
rom 6
p
m.” “S
p
anis
h
stor
y
te
ll
in
g
evenin
g
t
h
e
l
ast Fri
d
a
y
o
f
eac
h
m
o
n
t
h
.
” “MPF
R
E
E
Z
O
N
E – N
O
I
P
O
D
S
.
”
G
ood one that
,
I
thought. There was a bell you could ring if you needed
h
e
lp
in a w
h
ee
l
c
h
air, an
d
a si
g
n t
h
at sai
d
“N
O
PETS
b
ut
b
lind dogs are welcome”. A sign aimed at the blind is somet
h
in
g
I’ve never seen
b
e
f
ore. A
l
i
b
rar
y
is t
h
e
l
ast
pl
ace I’
d
thought I’d see a blind person. Them, and Tourette’s suf
fe
r
e
r
s.