Authors: Karl Pilkington
Who knows, maybe that’s what happened last time.
M
aybe the dinosaurs we found aren’t real and never existed
– it cou
ld
just
h
ave
b
een some weir
d
artist
f
e
ll
a w
h
o ma
d
e scu
lp
tures out o
f
mammot
h
b
ones. I
f
t
h
e wor
ld
d
oes
g
et
h
it
by
a
b
i
g
meteorite a
g
ain an
d
someone in t
h
e
f
uture finds Damien Hirst’s shark in a tank of formaldehyde, future people might think we kept sharks as pets.
I
s
h
ot o
ff
to t
h
e Natura
l
Histor
y
Museum. It was too
l
ate. T
h
ree coac
h
-
l
oa
d
s o
f
k
i
d
s
h
a
d
j
ust em
p
tie
d
an
d
t
h
e queue was massive. To try and get in there now would be
p
ointless, so I went to find a café. It’s quite a posh area that t
h
e museums are in, so I en
d
e
d
up in a Frenc
h
ca
f
é w
h
ere
I
h
ad
a
co
ff
ee.
A
s I said at the beginning of the chapter,
e
ver
y
t
h
in
g
h
as evo
l
ve
d
, even co
ff
ee.
Y
ou can’t just ask for
a co
ff
ee an
y
more as t
h
ere are so man
y
d
i
ff
erent s
p
ecies o
f
it. Espresso, latte, mocha,
A
mericano and many others. I had a cappuccino and a thing called a gourmande. It sounds
f
ancy,
b
ut to
d
escri
b
e a gourman
d
e in Eng
l
is
h
, I’
d
say it’s a
r
o
ll
o
f
g
ooe
y
,
f
att
y
p
astr
y
wit
h
some so
f
t me
l
te
d
c
h
oco
l
ate in it. Foo
d
is somet
h
in
g
e
l
se t
h
at is
f
orever c
h
an
g
in
g
, w
h
ic
h
in turn changes us. I think in years to come, the human jaw
w
ill become really weak as we don’t eat really tough stuf
f
an
y
more,
pl
us we ta
lk
l
ess
d
ue to text an
d
emai
l
. T
h
e
j
aw
w
i
ll
b
ecome wea
k
, t
h
en teet
h
wi
ll
b
e next. Wis
d
om teet
h
are what’s left over from our animal days when we had to tackle tough meat, but these are no longer needed due to
p
eop
l
e
bl
en
d
ing everyt
h
ing. Most o
f
our
f
oo
d
is now so
f
t.
W
e
h
ave smoot
h
ies; so
f
t
b
rea
d
; w
h
en Suzanne
b
u
y
s an avo
ca
d
o s
h
e
l
oo
k
s
f
or a so
f
t one; an
d
t
h
en
y
ou’ve
g
ot So
f
tmints.
I
remember when I was a kid in the 80s eating Wham bars that could take a week to get through and would give you
r
j
aw a
p
ro
p
er wor
k
out. I t
h
in
k
t
h
e
y
were invente
d
to
k
ee
p
k
i
d
s
q
uiet, cos a
f
ter eatin
g
one
y
our
j
aw was too tire
d
to talk. They should make them again and chuck them in the sea to bring shark attacks down, as they’d be too weak to tac
kl
e a
h
uman a
f
ter a W
h
am
b
ar
.
Those days of strong human jaws are gone, and we’re
n
ow wea
k
er t
h
en ever. It’s not
j
ust our
j
aws, it’s ever
y
t
h
in
g
.
Y
ears a
g
o we on
ly
nee
d
e
d
“an a
ppl
e a
d
a
y
to
k
ee
p
t
h
e
d
o
c
tor away”, but now they say eat five pieces of fruit. Either that or we’ve just got way too much fruit. There is fruit t
h
at is sti
ll
un
k
nown to me. Peop
l
e say it’s goo
d
we
h
ave a
ll
t
h
is
f
ruit on o
ff
er,
b
ut I t
h
in
k
it’s
j
ust ma
d
e it
h
ar
d
er to
w
in on
f
ruit mac
h
ines cos t
h
e c
h
ances o
f
g
ettin
g
t
h
ree t
h
e same is now impossible. It was easy in the days when there
w
ere just plums, melons and cherries, but there’s loads more t
h
an t
h
at now
.
T
h
e nose wi
ll
d
isa
pp
ear in time as we
ll
, as we
d
on’t use it any more to smell food and check if it’s off – we just rely
o
n “use-by dates” instead. These are probably also making t
h
e stomac
h
wea
k
b
y stopping us
f
rom c
h
a
ll
enging it to
h
an
dl
e somet
h
in
g
t
h
at’s a
l
itt
l
e
b
it o
ff
or out o
f
d
ate. I a
l
so t
h
in
k
it’s t
h
ese
d
ates t
h
at are ma
k
in
g
more
p
eo
pl
e o
b
ese, as
p
eople are eating food not cos they’re hungry but cos they don’t want to chuck it in the bin due to the use-by date
.
An
y
wa
y
, I went
b
ac
k
to t
h
e museum. T
h
ere were even more coac
h
es outsi
d
e an
d
t
h
e
q
ueue
h
a
d
n’t rea
lly
g
one down, so I had no choice but to join it. In front of me was a fat lad with two of his mates. He was a goth and wore a mixe
d
-up se
l
ection o
f
c
l
ot
h
es. He
h
a
d
d
ar
k
ma
k
e-up roun
d
h
is e
y
es, a to
p
h
at, a
l
on
g
bl
ac
k
l
eat
h
er coat, re
d
c
h
e
q
uere
d
trousers an
d
a T-s
h
irt wit
h
t
h
e
b
an
d
Ni
gh
twis
h
on t
h
e
f
ront. He was eating a big bag o
f
R
e
vels (mixed-up toffees to go with his mixed-up clothes). Before I knew it, I was at t
h
e
f
ront o
f
t
h
e queue an
d
h
a
d
spent £4
f
or a gui
d
e
b
e
f
ore
I
’
d
even
g
ot me
f
oot insi
d
e t
h
e
pl
ace.