Karlology (12 page)

IF AN ALIEN LANDED
and asked me what art was, I would find it hard to explain. I would probably say, “Art is just stuff to fill a space that would otherwise be empty”. That’s what we do here on planet Earth, we fill space. People buy a home which is perfectly big enough when they first move in, but then, over time, they collect so much stuff they have to get something bigger. Whatever space you have, it’s never enough. Me mam and dad moved a few years ago to a house that had an old caravan in the garden. They said they’d get shut of it once they were settled in, but nine years on, the thing is still there and is now full of stuff. I don’t know where all of the stuff would be if they didn’t have that caravan, but this is what happens when
there is space. Suzanne’s mam and dad’s house is the same. They’ve filled all the shelving units with that many knickknacks that they’ve collected over the years, that stuff has now started to creep into the bathroom. You rinse your eyes under the shower whilst reaching out for the shower gel and end up rubbing your head with a pot cat. It gets really tough when I’m drying meself cos every time you waft the towel, something falls off a shelf. Last time I was there I told ’em it’s like playing bleedin’ Jenga in that bathroom.

I
t
h
in
k
it’s in our nature to
fill
s
p
ace. W
h
en
y
ou t
h
in
k
a
b
out it, t
h
e
h
uman
b
o
dy
is cramme
d
f
u
ll
o
f
stu
ff
– ever
y
b
it
o
f it is full, not one bit of an arm or leg is hollow. Doctors say we don’t need the appendix or tonsils, and men don’t
n
ee
d
ni
ppl
es,
b
ut nature saw a s
p
ace an
d
fill
e
d
it. We
d
is
l
i
k
e t
h
e i
d
ea o
f
em
p
t
y
s
p
ace so muc
h
t
h
at scientists
h
ave now
n
amed nothin
g
“nothin
g
ness”, as the
y
found that if
y
ou
o
bserve nothing, then it’s no longer nothing because you
w
ere t
h
ere to o
b
serve it, so not
h
ing is actua
ll
y somet
h
ing.
M
e mam an
d
d
a
d
’s
h
ouse
h
asn’t
g
ot an
y
room to store an
y
“
not
h
in
g
ness”
d
ue to t
h
e amount o
f
“somet
h
in
g
ness”
.

So, art, do we need it? We like to pretend that art is
r
eally important to us cos it makes us feel individual, but
wh
en s
p
ace
g
ets ti
gh
t, art is usua
lly
t
h
e
fi
rst t
h
in
g
t
h
at
g
ets
p
ut awa
y
. Not t
h
e TV or stereos,
b
ut art. T
h
e TV
p
r
o
gramme
Antiques Roadshow
proves this as it’s full of people
sa
y
in
g
h
ow t
h
e
y
were c
l
eanin
g
out t
h
eir
g
ran’s
h
ouse
w
hen the
y
found a
p
aintin
g
b
y
Monet stuffed under an ice
-
cream maker in the loft. I also think this is why art has gone smaller and smaller over the years – it’s cos we no longe
r
h
ave room
f
or it. Bac
k
in t
h
e 1700s
y
ou wou
ld
h
ave massive mura
l
s t
h
irt
y
f
eet across cos
p
eo
pl
e
l
ive
d
in
b
i
g
h
ouses
(
and didn’t have TVs and stereos takin
g
u
p
room). Now
w
e live in smaller places we need small art, and this is why
f
ri
d
ge magnets were
b
roug
h
t out. It’s pro
b
a
bl
y a
l
so w
h
y crime
fig
ures
h
ave
g
one u
p
. Stu
ff
is now easier to nic
k
d
ue to it
b
ein
g
so sma
ll
, w
h
ereas
y
ears a
g
o, no one wou
ld
’ve
e
ven attempted to try and nick the sculpture of David by
M
ichelangelo. I’ve heard that some art is now so small that t
h
ere is an artist w
h
o use
d
a
h
air
f
rom a
fly
to
p
aint a tin
y
p
iece t
h
at
h
e ma
d
e. T
h
is is ca
ll
e
d
“micro art”. T
h
is sort o
f
art solves the s
p
ace issue and also the crime
p
roblem, as the
r
obbers can’t normally find it
.

I
t
h
oug
h
t I’
d
go an
d
l
oo
k
at some art to see i
f
I cou
ld
l
earn an
y
t
h
in
g
f
rom it. I
d
eci
d
e
d
to
g
o to t
h
e Tate Mo
d
ern
on
L
ondon’s South Bank. This is an area that’s full of dif
f
erent types of art from theatre and music to paintings and scu
lp
tures.
O
u
tsi
d
e t
h
e
g
a
ll
eries were
p
u
pp
et s
h
ows,
b
us
k
e
rs, a man
p
ainte
d
f
rom
h
ea
d
to toe in w
h
ite
p
aint (w
h
o
I
presume norma
ll
y acts as a statue, t
h
oug
h
h
e was on
h
is
l
unc
h
b
rea
k
w
h
en I saw
h
im) com
pl
ete wit
h
b
ir
d
d
ro
p
p
in
g
s, and the Bud
g
ie Man, who has about twelve bud
g
ies that climb ladders and dance to his own songs that he sings about budgies. There was also a homeless fella who earned cas
h
by
ri
pp
in
g
e
y
es out o
f
ph
otos in news
p
a
p
ers an
d
stic
k
in
g
t
h
em on
h
is c
h
ee
k
s w
h
i
l
st coverin
g
h
is own e
y
es wit
h
a roll of toilet
p
a
p
er. He also had a few bird dro
pp
in
g
s on him but these weren’t part of his act, they were just a co
n
sequence o
f
sitting un
d
er
b
ri
d
ges w
h
ere pigeons
l
ive. As i
f
t
h
at wasn’t enou
gh
,
h
e was sin
g
in
g
C
h
ristina A
g
ui
l
era’s son
g
“I am Beauti
f
u
l
”. Ever
y
one was
l
ovin
g
it.

I
went into the Tate Modern expecting to be charged,
b
ut it turns out the place is free. The first thing that grabbed m
y
e
y
e was a massive crac
k
in t
h
e
fl
oor. T
h
is is t
h
e
p
ro
bl
em
w
it
h
not c
h
ar
g
in
g
, I t
h
ou
gh
t, t
h
e
y
can’t a
ff
or
d
t
h
e u
pk
ee
p
o
f the buildin
g
. Until I realized it was an exhibit. The crack
w
as around 600 feet long, about a foot deep and went right t
h
roug
h
t
h
e ex
h
i
b
it
h
a
ll
. T
h
ere was a coup
l
e o
f
juice ca
r
tons an
d
a Lion Bar wra
pp
er at t
h
e
b
ottom. I
d
on’t
k
now i
f
t
h
e
y
were meant to
b
e t
h
ere or not.