Authors: Karl Pilkington
I
’
d
h
ate eatin
g
somet
h
in
g
so
b
i
g
t
h
at I wou
ld
n’t
h
ave to
e
at a
g
ain
f
or a
f
ew wee
k
s. T
h
e most en
j
o
y
a
bl
e
p
arts o
f
m
y
days are the parts when I’m eating. I got really fed up when
I
was in hospital with kidney stones and was told I wasn’t a
ll
owe
d
to eat, an
d
t
h
at was on
l
y
f
or one morning
.
An
ot
h
e
r
odd
fi
s
h I l
ea
rn
t
about
i
s
t
h
e
n
o
r
t
h
e
rn
ca
v
e
fi
s
h
. It’s tota
lly
bl
in
d
d
ue to t
h
e
f
act t
h
at it
l
ives in
d
ar
k
caves an
d
h
as no use
f
or its e
y
es, so nature
j
ust
d
eci
d
e
d
to make it blind. I felt like I didn’t need my eyes on my hol
i
day to Lanzarote. Every trip I went on involved looking into vo
l
canoes, w
h
ic
h
were t
h
at
d
ar
k
t
h
at you cou
ld
n’t see an
y
t
h
in
g
, so w
h
at’s t
h
e
p
oint. T
h
ere is a
f
amous
q
uote t
h
at
g
oes, “In t
h
e
k
in
gd
om o
f
t
h
e
bl
in
d
, t
h
e one-e
y
e
d
man is king”. If there was a kingdom of the blind, Lanzarote is
w
here they should live. They’d be missing nothing. It’s an
odd
sa
y
in
g
, t
h
ou
gh
. I
f
I
l
ive
d
in t
h
e
k
in
gd
om o
f
t
h
e
bl
in
d
,
I
’
d
j
ust te
ll
t
h
em I was t
h
e one wit
h
t
h
e wor
k
in
g
e
y
e. Be hard to be proved wrong. If they didn’t fall for that, I’d suggest that a blind man should be king as he’ll have our interests at
h
eart, w
h
ereas t
h
e
f
e
ll
a wit
h
an eye wou
ld
n’t.
If
I
d
i
d
n’t
g
et t
h
e
k
in
g
’s
j
o
b
I’
d
b
e t
h
e
k
in
gd
om’s win
d
ow c
l
eaner. Mone
y
f
or not
h
in
g
.
I couldn’t be doing with being a blind cavefish, though
–
the sea is not a good place to be if you’re blind, not with a
ll
t
h
em
d
an
g
erous t
h
in
g
s in it. T
h
e c
h
ances o
f
surviva
l
are s
l
im. It’s t
h
e e
q
uiva
l
ent to
b
ein
g
a
bl
in
d
l
o
ll
i
p
o
p
man.
S
cary, scary place, the sea. It’s mad how people need a l
i
cence to drive a car and yet anyone can go into the sea with
n
o
k
now
l
e
d
ge o
f
w
h
at
d
angers are in t
h
ere.
I
carrie
d
on wit
h
my tour o
f
t
h
e
A
quarium. I was as
k
e
d
i
f
I wou
ld
l
i
k
e a
p
icture o
f
me sat on t
h
e
b
ac
k
o
f
a
d
o
lph
in,
but
I
tu
rn
ed
do
wn
t
h
e
o
ff
e
r
.
A
lot of people were havin
g
them done, though. They took your picture on a green
b
ackground and then superimposed your image to make
y
ou
l
oo
k
l
i
k
e
y
ou’re scu
b
a
d
ivin
g
or ri
d
in
g
a
d
o
lph
in or sat
o
n to
p
o
f
a w
h
a
l
e. T
h
is seems to
b
e ever
y
one’s
d
ream
be
f
ore the
y
die, to swim with dol
p
hins and whales,
y
et
p
eo
p
le are panicking when the news says global warming means t
h
at Britain is gonna
b
e un
d
erwater
b
y t
h
e year 2025. Do t
h
e
y
want to swim wit
h
d
o
lph
ins or not?
I
turne
d
a corner an
d
t
h
ere were a
l
oa
d
o
f
nois
y
k
i
d
s a
ll
gathering round a fish tank that had a clownfish in it. This i
s
a
ll
because
o
f
t
h
e
film
Finding Nem
o
.
It’s odd how you can
h
ave a stone
fi
s
h
t
h
at can
k
i
ll
a man, an
d
y
et a ce
l
e
b
rit
y
fi
s
h
that does nothin
g
s
p
ecial
g
ets all the attention.
A
l
l
t
h
e
ki
ds
w
ere shoutin
g
Nemo’s name and havin
g
their
p
icture taken
w
ith it. It was like watching the fuss around a
Big Brother
w
inner. I
h
a
d
n’t seen t
h
is sort o
f
commotion at an ex
h
i
b
ition since some o
ld
women
g
ot excite
d
at t
h
e Tutan
kha
mun show when they saw Jilly
G
oo
l
de
n
t
h
e
win
e
c
ri
t
i
c
in the queue. Even the fat Irish kid who I saw on the way in had got out of his pram to see Nemo. He asked his mam if
h
e cou
ld
h
ave one. I
d
on’t
k
now i
f
h
e meant
h
e wante
d
it as
a pet or on a san
d
wic
h
.
I
ma
d
e m
y
wa
y
out o
f
t
h
e A
q
uarium (t
h
rou
gh
t
h
e
g
i
f
t sho
p
as alwa
y
s) and out onto the South Bank. A fella was selling pictures of the whale that was in the river a few
y
ears ago. It was a bottlenose whale that normally swims aroun
d
t
h
e Artic Ocean. It
g
ot
l
oa
d
s o
f
covera
g
e on t
h
e
n
ews at t
h
e time. Ever
y
one was excite
d
a
b
out t
h
is creature
b
ein
g
in London in the same wa
y
that ever
y
p
u
p
il in m
y
class once got excited when a dog was in the school grounds an
d
t
h
e careta
k
er was sent out to s
h
i
f
t it. It was weir
d
as no
o
ne rea
lly
k
new w
h
at to
d
o a
b
out t
h
e w
h
a
l
e, as it’s not an
e
ver
yd
a
y
p
ro
bl
em we are use
d
to. We can
h
an
dl
e
h
oo
d
ies and binge drinkers and terrorist alerts, but a whale? Not the sort of fish you can just flush down the toilet, is it. 24-hour w
h
a
l
e s
h
i
f
ters are not
f
eature
d
in t
h
e Ye
ll
ow Pa
g
es.
M
en turne
d
u
p
an
d
l
oo
k
e
d
p
uzz
l
e
d
an
d
a
b
it aw
k
war
d
as the
y
tried to waft it back downstream, as if shooin
g
awa
y
a
fl
oating turd in the sea. And as anyone who has been in that situation wi
ll
k
now, t
h
e more you wa
f
t t
h
e water, t
h
e c
l
oser t
h
e tur
d
g
ets. I turn into a tur
d
ma
g
net in t
h
at situation. A
f
ter two
d
a
y
s t
h
e w
h
a
l
e
d
ie
d
. Accor
d
in
g
to scientists, t
h
e most likely explanation for the incident was that the whale
w
as seeking to return to its normal feeding grounds in the
N
ort
h
At
l
antic an
d
too
k
a wron
g
turn, mista
k
en
ly
swi
m
ming west up t
h
e T
h
ames rat
h
er t
h
an ta
k
ing t
h
e
l
onger
r
oute aroun
d
t
h
e coast. I can un
d
erstan
d
h
ow it ma
d
e t
h
is mistake, thou
g
h, as it is eas
y
to
g
et lost in London
.