Kasey Screws Up the World (10 page)

A lead quarry settled into my stomach. “What happened to my locker?”

“It got a little makeover. But don’t worry. I’m restoring it to its original glory.” He patted the locker behind his back.

I shoved him gently aside and he obliged, stepping out of the way so I could see the damage. The gasp that escaped my lips echoed the ones coming from the crowd.

Written in loopy girl handwriting in black Sharpie marker:
SAT word of the day: Finn. Definition: Figment of Kasey’s imagination, loser, stalling tactic.

I snatched the sponge from Lonnie and put all my muscle power into scrubbing the black letters.

Lonnie grabbed my shoulder. “Kasey, it’s okay. Let me do that.”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “No, you don’t have to, really.” The more he hung out with me, the more I suspected he would become a target as well. Plus, scrubbing Finn’s name off my locker couldn’t be fun for him either.

“Break it up! Break it up!” a teacher yelled, clapping his hands until the crowd dispersed, leaving only one person leaning against the lockers across the hallway, smirking. Ali Montauk.

I dropped the sponge into the bucket with a splash that coated my legs and stalked up to her, abandoning Lonnie yet again. “You did this.”

“Me?” She flattened her hand against her chest and fluttered her eyelashes in mock-innocent fashion. “I thought you were the one taking all the blame.”

“I liked it better when you left me alone.”

“Doubt that.” She peeled herself from the locker and stood upright. “You know though, I think the graffiti makes a good point.” She jutted her chin toward it. “You’re posting all these self-indulgent things about oh-what-a-cute-boy Finn is and how much you deserve the spotlight and blah blah blah.” Ali stepped so close to me, I could smell her peach shampoo. “When do we get to the good stuff? Like what the hell did you do to Lara? And Denise? And loser number two over there.”

“Hi, Ali,” Lonnie said from across the hallway in response.

I challenged her stare. “I’m getting to that stuff.”

“Well, I’m getting impatient. Does Lara even know about this blog yet?”

My lips twitched, but Ali caught it.

“Oh my God. She doesn’t know! You’ve been too chicken to tell her.” She clapped her hands and threw her head back in laughter. “Well don’t worry, I’ll fix that.”

BEST IN FAUX

Posted by Kasey at 12:27 P.M.

Friday, September 5

Past Mood:
Mischievous

SAT Word Of The Day:
Cosplay. Definition: Because playing is more fun when you’re not yourself.

FWIW, I’m not stalling. What I did to my sister—and everyone else—won’t make sense without context. This is my confession, but it’s your choice whether you read it or not. Looking at you specifically, Ali. And I’m addressing you because I know you’re still reading. You can’t stay away from other people’s misery.

So here’s some more for your ridicule arsenal.

Once Lara left for the mandatory nine A.M. dance practice Mom had forced upon her, I raced to her jewelry container. The night before, Finn and I had concocted a plan. We quizzed each other about our secret identities to use in The Newlywed game. We were Mr. and Mrs. Cruise. Victoria and Clark. I’d suggested “Tom Cruise” to be funny, but Finn wanted to be named after Superman’s alter ego.

Since I never felt the need to cultivate my own jewelry collection when I could just borrow something of Lara’s, I found one silver ring in her stash. The overpriced souvenir shop on the ship provided the other one for Finn. Hopefully my parents wouldn’t notice that I charged it to their account. I put both rings in my purse, then threw on one of Lara’s sundresses and heels and left the room before she could return.

At the Lido deck buffet, I waited for Finn near the trays. People tried to maneuver around me as I snaked my body left and right to get out of their way. The smell of bacon and eggs made my stomach growl. Finn sauntered in, wearing his white polo shirt and khaki pants. We were supposed to look like adults, but I still felt like a kid playing dress up even though in seven months, I would be legally declared able to vote and buy cigarettes I’d never smoke. Silly government.

“Hey hubby, I found your wedding ring. You keep losing it like you’re ashamed to be seen with it.” I handed him the ring.

“Nope, just ashamed to be seen with you, sweetie.” He grinned. “Where’s yours?”

I held up my hand where the ring rested on my finger. He grabbed my hand, removed the ring, and then slipped it back on again. The gesture would have been much more romantic if it had been accompanied by a bended knee. We held out our unmatching rings and laughed at the pathetic display.

“Meet back here with our trays?” Finn grabbed an orange tray from the stack and handed it to me.

“I thought we’d practice.” I pressed a finger to his chest and gently pushed him toward the opposite buffet line. “You’re supposed to know me well, so you get my food and I’ll get yours.”

“This should be fun. I’ll just fill up the tray with everything they make.”

I held up my tray like a shield. “I hate you.”

He nudged my shoulder. “No, you love me. We’re married, remember?”

I wanted more than anything to say, “Right, I love you,” but I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words, even as a joke. Instead, I grabbed a roll of silverware.

I wanted to impress him with how well I knew his tastes. Scouring the food selection, I remembered last time he ate my powdered donut, and then went for the bacon so I placed those on the tray first. Did he drink tea or coffee? Eeny-meeny-miny-moe landed on coffee. I also threw in some eggs and pancakes for good measure. And chocolate cake. You couldn’t go wrong with chocolate cake.

I carried the tray to a table toward the window and waited for him. He came back a few minutes later with only a small slice of cantaloupe and a glass of water. “You forgot my OJ,” he said as he scanned the tray in front of me.

“You forgot my food,” I said.

“My wife’s on a diet.”

“My husband’s a jerk.” I crossed my arms. “I want a divorce.”

He set the tray down and walked away. He went behind the beverage counter and returned a second later with a fully loaded tray. “I’m just kidding. I already had this one filled for you. All your faves.”

He got it mostly right, though it wasn’t hard since he did get one of everything. He even got me an extra donut. Just like I would have done.

We left a little early for the Newlywed game and selected the third row of the auditorium. I made sure I sat up straight and looked like a trophy wife. Well, just a wife. Finn put his arm around me and constantly turned to give me kisses on the forehead, a showy move we’d planned but I definitely didn’t mind. Lots of couples sauntered in and sat in the first couple of rows. We also saw many families with young kids. At least this wouldn’t be rated R. I wouldn’t know how to answer
those
questions.

My arm tensed up, and Finn shook it several times to loosen it. “Don’t be nervous.”

“I can’t help it.” I scanned the crowd and my face went white. It looked like the entire ship had shown up. “There are so many people here. What if I mess up?”

“Then everyone will laugh.”

That was the reaction I wanted, wasn’t it? Unlike in a dance competition when a mess up led to sharp intakes of breath from the crowd and the inability for your sister to look you in the eye afterward. The lead rock in my stomach loosened. Jorge, the cruise director, took the microphone and made his way to the center of the stage. He wore the ship’s trademark white and blue uniform and not a suit like a real game show host. It made me remember this was just a game. This wasn’t real. This didn’t matter.

“There you guys are.” We turned around to see Lara slipping in next to us. Damn it, why hadn’t anyone claimed that seat? “I was wondering what happened to you this morning but then Hayden said you might be here. He’s back there.” She pointed behind her. I kept my eyes straight ahead and focused on the wood panel of the stage. “Wait, are you wearing my shoes? I’ve been looking all over for those.” She picked up my hand. “And my ring!”

Finn extended his hand to her—his left hand, the one with the ring on. “Hi, I’m Clark Cruise. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

She squinted at me. “I don’t understand.”

“This is my wife, Victoria Cruise. We just eloped right before we got on the ship.”

“Oh my god. You guys are such dorks.” Her eyes flicked to the chairs on the stage and then back to us. “This, I gotta see.” Lara leaned into me, lowering her voice to a whisper. “Kasey, what do you know about being married? You’ve never even had a boyfriend.”

I knew she just wanted revenge for pilfering her stuff, but still, a tiny piece of my small confidence shattered.

Finn wrapped his arm back around me and kissed my forehead. “Yes, she has.”

As Lara sucked in a breath at the realization that Finn had heard her, I whipped my head left and right, searching to see if anyone else had eavesdropped. Then, my brain caught up to his words. Was he calling himself my boyfriend? For real?

Maybe he was already in character.

Jorge finished his speech about the game and shielded the lights with his hand. He swayed side to side as if searching for a boat on the horizon. “Newlyweds! Make yourselves known!”

One couple in the back stood up and said they were on their honeymoon and got married two weeks ago. The wife was jumping up and down in anticipation of being picked. Guilt riddled my stomach.

“Anyone been married shorter than that? On this cruise perhaps?”

I was just about to tell Finn we should abandon the game, that I was too nervous, that I would inevitably fail. But he stood up. “We got married the day before the cruise. Actually, we eloped.”

“If no one got married on the cruise itself, I think we found our newlyweds!” Jorge waggled his fingers at us.

My arms glued themselves to the armrest.

“Come on, honey.” Finn stroked my arms with his fingers. A chill swept over me long enough to distract me so he could pull me to a standing position. My legs wobbled as we walked down the aisle and took our position on the stage. My throat was closing. I’d never be able to answer questions.

The host turned to us. “Sit tight, kids. You do look like kids. How old are you?”

“Eighteen,” we both said too fast, too practiced. At least my mouth cooperated.

“Ah. Like ripe fruit.” He held up our left hands, showcasing our rings. “Now spoiled.”

The audience stirred uncomfortably. Lara ran back to Hayden. I didn’t want to look in their direction for the rest of the game. Maybe the rest of the trip. I couldn’t believe I had gotten myself into this catastrophe.

Couples who had been married for twenty-five years and fifty years filled the remaining seats. Judging by the way they had let themselves go, we were the only liars.

The ship’s staff led the husbands—Finn included—out of the room. No backing out now. The show was all on me.

Gulp.

“All right ladies, first question. What is your husband’s favorite comfort food? We’ll start with you, Victoria.” The cruise director walked toward me and held the microphone in front of my face.