Kasey Screws Up the World (6 page)

I SAT IN THE waiting room of Dr. Shannon’s office, a magazine splayed in my lap in a futile attempt to seem like I belonged there. Each time the door opened, my shoulders rose to my ears as I jumped. Patient after patient ambled in, some on crutches, some far worse off, but none of them were Lara. I watched as patients disappeared into the back and emerged a half hour later, their faces turning from determined to strained, red and sweaty from exertion. Lara always wore sweat and hard work well. It suited her just as much as the spotlight did.

I glanced at the clock. It was ten minutes after eleven. I’d been here since eight am to ensure I’d catch her. Where was she?

Earlier this morning, I jetted off to school as normal but took the subway uptown while Lonnie helpfully did his best Mr. Fishbein impersonation and called me in sick. Sitting in the waiting room, with the misty gray walls and the patients whose injuries reminded me too much of Lara’s, I
felt
sick. She’d been in this same spot as me dozens of times over the summer. I imagined her easing herself into the chair, careful not to scrape her hip against the metal arm rests as she angled her butt into the soft purple canvas. I could relax in the chair, contorting my body until I got comfortable, but Lara would have to keep the pressure off her hip. Hovering over the chair instead of sinking into it.

I let out a strained laugh and several people in the waiting room lifted their heads to me. Here I was, sitting in Lara’s place, but like on the cruise, I could never pass for her. Even here, with my working limbs, I didn’t belong in her world.

I’d tricked myself into thinking that writing this blog would be easy. And so far, it had been, but only because I’d written the happy parts. With such vivid memories replaying in my head for months, it was no wonder the scenes had flown from my fingertips. I’d smiled as I typed out the details of Finn, and later in bed, I’d closed my eyes and dreamed of him. If I focused on the good stuff, I wouldn’t be reminded of the bad.

And if I kept avoiding school, I’d never have to deal with the aftermath of others reading it. I bit my lip, knowing how cowardly that was. Finn would be so disappointed that Shy Kasey had come back after all his hard work.

No, I’d skipped school for Lara, not myself. Or so I hoped.

I shifted in my chair, receiving another set of glances, and grabbed my cell phone from my backpack. I came here to tell Lara about the blog, but she wasn’t the only person left to tell. Finn’s email address had been embedded into my brain for months now, but I’d never used it. Writing a simple, “I’m sorry” in the body of the email didn’t begin to cover the expanse of my guilt and remorse. I filled in the
To
field and let my heart skip at the sight of his name, the prospect of contacting him, right in front of me.

Dear Finn,

Scratch that. Was
dear
too formal?

Finn-

I know you probably don’t want to hear from me.

I punched the delete key, sending the first and only sentence into oblivion. He knew he didn’t want to hear from me, I didn’t need to remind him.

How are you?

I deleted that too. It was too loaded of a question. Lara hadn’t been the only one who sustained an injury because of me.

I tried countless other sentences but nothing seemed right. I didn’t want to send a hasty message. It had to be perfect. And then there was the warning pestering at the back of my brain:
What if he didn’t write back?

And the obvious answer staring me in the face:
you should get over him.

I threw my phone back into my bag before it tempted me again.

“Excuse me, miss?”

I glanced up to find the receptionist peering at me from beneath plastic-rimmed glasses. The patient across the way coughed in solidarity with her.

“Can I help you with anything?” she asked.

My breath hitched on the way out of my mouth. They couldn’t kick me out, not yet! Not until Lara got here. “I’m waiting for someone.” I nodded toward the office door like the party I came with had gone inside hours ago.

She studied me for a moment. “Who are you waiting for? I’ll check to see how much longer they’ll be.”

I should have been listening to the names called back to the exam rooms. No, I’d vowed to myself not to lie anymore. That only left the truth. “Lara Fishbein?” It came out like a question. “She had an appointment at ten. I was supposed to meet her here.” I tapped the metal armrests of my trusty chair.

The receptionist’s fingers tapped out a symphony of keystrokes. “She’s not scheduled for today.”

My stomach dropped. “Are you sure?” I ran my hands through my thick hair to brush it out of my face and rose from the chair. Each stride I took with ease was another reminder of the simple acts that were so difficult for Lara now. Because of me. I stood at the counter. “Check again. It’s with Dr. Shannon.”

The receptionist pursed her lips. “I think you have your days messed up, honey. Dr. Shannon isn’t in today. And I’m not seeing any future appointments under the name Fishbein.”

“But—” I didn’t need to finish my sentence. The answer was clear. Lara was lying about having a doctor’s appointment.

A KISS BEFORE LYING

Posted by Kasey at 4:27 P.M.

Wednesday, September 3

Past Mood:
Gutsy

SAT Word Of The Day:
Edacious. Definition: my goal on this cruise.

If a blog is posted and no one reads it, does it make a sound? That’s how I feel about the lack of comments on the last post.

Soldiering on…

When we checked our email, Lara spent twenty minutes gushing to her friends online. I didn’t know how she kept track of the twenty gchats she had open.

I was in the middle of composing an email to Denise when she popped online. I moved my mouse to send her a message, but she beat me to it.

Denise:
Do you miss me yet?

Me:
Who is this?

Denise:
Haha, very funny.

Denise:
Tell me something good. It’s only been like two days into summer vacation and I’m bored out of my mind.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard. I typed in Finn’s name and then erased it. I didn’t want to tell her about him yet. The whole thing seemed so clandestine, like the stories he and I fabricated to each other, and I wanted to keep our game to myself for just a bit longer. While Lara wanted to reconnect with all she missed back in reality, I wanted my former self to be the girl I left behind.

Me:
Something good…the apple pie from last night.

Denise:
Can’t be any better than my recipe. Speaking of last night…

Me:
Do those ellipses mean what I think they mean?

Denise:
They mean I emailed him. And he replied!

Me:
Do tell!!!

Denise:
He said…

Denise:
wait for it…

Denise:
9am.

Me:
Wow, D, it’s like he professed his love. And to what question did he answer?

Denise:
What time do we have to be at ManPrep for the camp thing?

Me:
Stop being so flirty with him, I think you’re coming on too strong.

Denise:
lol

Lara tapped me on my shoulder. “We have to save the minutes.” We’d purchased one hundred Internet minutes to share over the entire week. I bid adieu to my best friend and blew a kiss at the screen even though Denise couldn’t see it. I missed her.

“Jules went on a last-minute commercial audition yesterday,” Lara confessed in a somber voice as we rode the elevator to the Lido deck. “One of the casting directors asked if I was coming. She remembered me from the recital. I can’t believe I missed that.”

“There will be others.”

“I know. That’s what everyone said. They’re all putting together a list of future auditions for me.” She chuckled at some remembered conversation from her overly supportive friends. “Besides, I’m the only one who has the
Next American Dance Star
opportunity.”

I could have it too if I tried out for the talent show, I thought. Then I changed my mind. If there even
was
an opportunity.

Outside by the pool, waiters in white uniforms walked around delivering overpriced waters and beers at ten A.M. A few muscular guys positioned themselves directly behind a group of girls sunning on their stomachs, bikini top straps dangling at the sides of their chairs.

“See Mom and Dad anywhere?” Lara craned her neck.

“Coast’s clear,” I said and my sister plopped onto an empty chair.

I hovered over her. “What about breakfast?”

“Go without me. But you’ll come cheer me on later, right?”

“Of course.”

Inside the dining area, buffet stations lined the walls containing every breakfast food you could imagine, including some you wouldn’t think of. Roast chicken, for breakfast? Weird. Suddenly the bagel I’d planned on seemed so unsatisfying.

I loaded my plate with a hardboiled egg, scrambled eggs, a fried egg, something that looked like an egg despite being made of chocolate, several strips of bacon, an entire leg of chicken, yogurt, four kinds of potatoes, a powdered donut, a cupcake, two slices of pie, and a bowl of fruit salad to be healthy. I was on vacation, and I was going to indulge.

I carried my tray to a table in the center of the dining area and dug into my food.

Someone tapped me on my back, catching me off guard. I jumped so far, a container of yogurt tumbled to the floor. I bent down to pick it up. When my head surfaced above the table, I was treated to the sight of Finn sitting across from me, unwrapping his silverware from the napkin. Hayden placed his tray down next to Finn.

“Hungry?” Finn raised his eyebrows.

I thought about throwing my napkin to cover my heaping pile of food, but Finn had already seen it. Lara would play it off and own it, so I sat up straighter. “You’re supposed to eat a lot on cruises.”

“Yeah, but you’re also supposed to save some for the other passengers.” Finn reached over my plate and snatched a donut off it.

“Hey!”

“Were you really going to eat all that?”

“I was going to take a bite.”

He held it out to me. “Go ahead. Bite.”

I leaned forward and wrapped my mouth around it, trying to be seductive. The powder got all over my lips, causing Finn to laugh and me to scramble for the napkin on my lap so I could wipe it off.

Hayden put down his coffee. “Where’s your sister?”

“Being lame.” I paused. “That’s code for tanning.”

“First a secret identity, now a secret code.” Finn winked at me.

I just about melted. He was so darn cute.

Hayden stared at us. “Dude, you’re both dorks.”

Finn pushed his older brother. “Yeah? Well, who’s the third wheel right now?”

“Har har.” Hayden put down his fork, clanging it against his plate. He left to get more coffee.

Finn set a leather-bound notebook on the table.

“Whatcha got there? C.I.A’s confidential secrets?”

“The C.I.A cleared you to read this. But if you tell anyone…” He covered his hand with one eye and adopted a pirate accent. “Ya walk the plank, Matey.” He tossed the notebook at me. I may be athletic in dance, but it did not extend to an ability to catch. The notebook landed on top of my scrambled eggs.

“Oops, sorry.”

Finn pretended to write on his hand again. “Note to self: do not pick Kasey to be an outfielder on a baseball team.”

After wiping off his notebook, I set it on the table and flipped through it. Comic book drawings filled the pages. Some were of full panels with cute little stories. Others were of made-up superheroes, showing the front and side views and various other expressions. The drawings had a unique style with large eyes and sharp angles. He used pencil and crosshatching techniques to shade. They were incredible. “You did these?”

“No. I stole some kid’s notebook before I sat down. Poor thing cried for ten minutes.”