Katie Opens Her Heart (33 page)

Mamm
smiled and relaxed. True to Katie’s prediction, the sound of Joe’s buggy wheels decreased as he kept his distance. If this had been Ben Stoll, Katie thought, he would have shown no such restraint. Ben would have raced around them even though they were within a hundred yards of where church was being held. Ben was a wild one, but her heart still beat faster on Sunday mornings at the thought of him. Had Ben really waved to her the other day? Or had that been an imagining of hers? The memory seemed foggy and distant now.

Katie glanced sideways at
Mamm
and pushed thoughts of Joe and Ben out of her mind.
Mamm
couldn’t possibly know what she was thinking, and there was no need for thoughts of boys to flutter around in her brain right now. She would see both of them before an hour had passed, seated across Bishop Miller’s living room from her.

What she should be thinking about was the upcoming Tuesday evening when they were scheduled to visit Jesse’s family. It would not be an easy time, that was for sure. Likely the upcoming visit was the reason for
Mamm
’s tense look all morning. That and the
kafuffle
on Friday night about her running around with the Mennonites.

Nothing had been settled because nothing could be settled, Katie told herself. She would simply have to wait and see what happened.
Mamm
, on the other hand, was not waiting on anything. She was pushing full-steam ahead with her plans to say marriage vows with Jesse.

At least the decision to marry Jesse was no longer about her, which was
gut
.
Mamm
was falling in love—if Katie didn’t miss her guess, though even
Mamm
seemed unaware of the fact. Regardless, that would make the sting of pain all the worse if Jesse’s children didn’t accept her. Katie would have to help
Mamm
by praying about this.

Mamm
pulled back on the reins and turned into the driveway. The buggy stopped before they arrived at the end of the sidewalk leading into Bishop Miller’s washroom, where they waited for the other buggies to unload the womenfolk.
Mamm
guided their horse to the row of buggies by the barn.

Mamm
’s continued relationship with Jesse was raising hope in her own heart, Katie decided as she climbed down from the buggy. Katie pressed her lips together as she unhooked the tug on her side of the buggy. There was no sense in crying here in public, even if no one noticed. It wouldn’t help the situation. But she couldn’t keep the thoughts from going on. What if Jesse really succeeded in his plan, and they could all be one happy family? She would have a
daett
and brothers and sisters. Wasn’t that what she’d wanted for so long? Her friendship with Margaret and Sharon might be the foreshadow of what was coming. Katie held the buggy shafts as
Mamm
led the horse forward. Katie decided again she had to stop thinking about this right now. She forced herself to smile as Bishop Miller’s oldest boy, Eben, came running up to take their horse. He looked tired this morning.

“
Gut
morning,” Eben said to
Mamm
as he grabbed the reins to lead the horse away.

“Thank you,”
Mamm
told him.

“You’re welcome,” Eben hollered over his shoulder as Katie followed
Mamm
toward the washroom. Always someone came for their horse—every Sunday morning. Usually it was one of the boys at whose home the church service was being held. But if the
daett
of the home had no older boys, someone still came. Emma Raber and her daughter, Katie, were a fixture that belonged in the bracket of those who needed help on Sunday mornings. Everyone knew it. That was something that belonging to Jesse’s family would also change.

Katie held her head up, her
kapp
straight out as they crossed the open lawn in front of the men. They joined the line of women at the sidewalk. Katie kept smiling, thinking happy thoughts. She might be Emma Raber’s daughter right now, but last night she’d been Katie, laughing and talking with people who saw her for who she really was—a human being in whose heart beat the same hopes and fears as everyone else’s.

“
Gut
morning,” Wilma Troyer whispered to
Mamm
. Her eldest daughter, Lizzie, nodded to Katie. Katie returned her smile. Lizzie had to be around fourteen years of age, and she wasn’t with the Amish youth group yet. Hopefully, Lizze would never learn that she was Emma Raber’s daughter and wasn’t worth paying attention to.

Katie moved forward with the line of women, following
Mamm
toward the washroom door and keeping her head down. Dark thoughts were tormenting her. If
Mamm
had remarried five years ago, or even two years ago, perhaps there would have been a chance for things to improve. But it was too late now, Katie thought. She was too old. And Jesse’s children would never accept her as one of their own. Even if they did, she would be an old maid before anyone else noticed. That was simply the way it went with people’s reputations in the community. Such things moved at the speed of the icy glaciers the eighth-grade students had studied.

Katie’s faith was struggling this morning, and she had to stop doubting. “Please help me, dear
Hah
,” Katie whispered silently. “I don’t want to give in to despair.” Wilma was holding the screen door for
Mamm
. When she arrived, Katie shook her head as Wilma motioned for her to follow
Mamm
.

“I’ll hold the door,” Katie whispered. Wilma smiled and followed
Mamm
instead. Katie held the door for them, undoing her shawl once she was inside the washroom and adding it to the pile on the table.
Mamm
had already gone into the kitchen, and Katie followed when she was ready. Peace was coming over her heart again, and she offered to shake hands with a few of the girls near the kitchen sink before slipping in with the line of unmarried girls. Moments later the older women began moving toward the living room. Katie stayed with the girls her own age, keeping her head down as they walked in front of the already-seated younger boys.

Moments later one of the men shouted out a song number, and the singing began. The bishop waited for the first line of the song to finish, before leading the way upstairs for the minister’s Sunday-morning meeting. Katie stole a glance at the line of seated older boys in front of her. Most of them had their eyes on their songbooks. A few were leaning forward in concentration. She spotted Ben Stoll’s distinct profile, and for long moments she watched him. What if Ben noticed her this morning? she wondered. What if he actually looked at her? What would she do? Pass out? Her heart was pounding already. It couldn’t happen, could it? That wave from the buggy had been nothing but a fluke, Katie told herself. She looked back down and kept her eyes fixed on the songbook page.

A few minutes later, Katie wondered what Ben was doing. Glancing her way, perhaps? She just had to check. What if Ben chose this very moment to look up and notice her and she missed it? A few of the other girls were stealing quick glances across the room, and some of the boys she could see had their heads up. Still, she didn’t look all the way to Ben’s place on the bench. By the time the ministers returned from their meeting upstairs and the first sermon began, Katie took a deep breath and gathered her courage. She peeked across the room just as the minister rose to begin his sermon. His voice thundered through the whole house. Katie’s gaze found Ben at once. He was smiling to someone on the bench of girls, but his gaze came her way almost at once. It was as if he’d been waiting for her to look his way, Katie thought. She gave him the sweetest smile she could muster. She could hardly breathe as a little smile played on Ben’s face. He’d noticed her, Katie told herself as she quickly looked at the floor again. Ben Stoll knew she existed!
Da Hah
had given her a sign! She knew He had. He was going to make everything turn out okay.

So what did the other problems in her life matter? Questions like how long her friendship with Margaret and Sharon would last or was
Mamm
really going to marry Jesse would be answered. What if Jesse’s children never liked her? Why should she wonder if she’d someday have to join the Mennonites and turn on electric lights and take out a driver’s license? She wasn’t going to worry about any of those things.

But she mustn’t let her obsession with Ben get out of hand, Katie told herself. She had surely matured lately, and she had other friends who loved her now. And there were also
Mamm
’s warnings over the dangers of giving a man attention who might never truly return them. Still, today was almost too much to believe. Taking a deep breath, Katie forced herself to listen to the minister’s sermon.

“
Da Hah
is a great and terrible
Gott
,” the minister was saying. “He remembers the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation, but He also has mercy unto a thousand generations.”

Katie stole another quick peek at Ben Stoll, but he was looking at the minister now. One smile was enough for today, she told herself.
Da Hah
was having mercy upon them all. Not just on
Mamm
, but on her also. She would get down on her knees when she arrived home this afternoon and not stop thanking Him for a very long time.

Chapter Forty

On Tuesday night, Katie sat nervously in her side of the seat as
Mamm
drove the buggy toward Jesse’s place. They had both buggy doors pushed open to allow the air to flow over their faces. The evening sun had almost set, and the shadows were stealing fast across the land. They’d eaten supper at the house before leaving, even though Katie had managed to get down only a few bites. She was more nervous than she ought to be. Her joy from Ben’s smile on Sunday was still with her, but reality was also present. Whatever happened tonight,
Da Hah
would surely supply His grace. She was sure of that, but that didn’t mean the journey or what was going to take place would be easy.

Mamm
was quiet as she drove. In fact, she hadn’t really said much for some time now. It was as if the two women had said all there was to say between them and were now waiting for the storm to descend upon their heads. And there would be a storm tonight. Katie was also sure of that.
Mamm
knew it too, and yet she was driving straight into the troubled winds with her face firmly set. It took a certain kind of courage to do that, and
Mamm
was to be admired for it. She was doing this because it was right. She would do it even if there was pain involved, and even if that pain tore at her heart. And this might tear deep.
Mamm
was going not just to speak with a man she loved, but with his children who didn’t love her.

Katie noticed a buggy approaching them. She gasped after she looked closer and saw that it was Ruth Troyer driving toward them. As she passed by, Ruth craned her neck around to glare out her buggy door at them.

Mamm
tried to act like she hadn’t noticed, but her lips were now set in an even straighter line than they had been before.

“
Mamm
,” Katie said, reaching over to touch her arm, “I’m with you. And
Da Hah
will help us even if it hurts a bit.”

“I know,”
Mamm
said.

“You must love Jesse a lot,” Katie said.

Mamm
smiled. “I’m not sure about that, but I can no longer tell myself that I can just walk away from such a decent man. I’ve been without a husband for too long, Katie. And you have been without a
daett
. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been these years since your
daett
died.”

Katie acknowledged
Mamm
’s words with a nod, moving on quickly. “I think we should prepare ourselves for a rough evening. If Ruth’s looks are any indication of what lies ahead of us, we will be glad if we come out alive.”

Mamm
managed to laugh but the sound was choked.

“Ruth is just going home from school,”
Mamm
said. “She has nothing to do with our visit tonight.”

There wasn’t much conviction in
Mamm
’s voice, but Katie let the point pass. Ruth was likely up to some trick and had probably even stopped in at Jesse’s place to give him one final chewing out.

They drove on, the sun dropping even further over the horizon.
Mamm
turned on the blinker lights as dusk fell. Jesse’s driveway soon appeared, and
Mamm
slowed down to turn in. Katie searched the falling darkness ahead for any unusual signs. It would have been nice if Jesse were outside waiting for them, but that would be expecting a lot of him. He couldn’t read their minds and know when they planned to arrive.
Mamm
had said that a certain time hadn’t been set, just that they should arrive sometime after supper.

Mamm
pulled to a stop, and Katie hopped out, grabbing the tie line. She ran in front of the horse and tied him to the post. Her courage was returning now that they’d arrived. After all, she was really just an observer tonight since she probably wouldn’t do much more than pray anyway.

With a sigh, Katie followed
Mamm
up the sidewalk to the porch.
Mamm
knocked and before anyone answered, there was a noise behind them. Katie turned around to see Jesse hurrying across the yard to greet them. The barn door was swinging wildly on its hinges.