It was about midday when we came to Worstwhistle a grey stone building which to my mind resembled nothing so much as a prison. It was a prison, I told myself stone walls within which the afflicted lived out their clouded lives. Was it possible that my own mother was among those sad in habitants, and that there was a plot afoot to make me a prisoner here?
I was determined that should never be.
Surrounding the building was a high wall and when we drew up at the heavy wrought-iron gates, a porter came out of the lodge and asked our business.
Simon told him authoritatively that he wished to see the Principal of the establishment.
“You have an appointment with him, sir?”
” It’s of the utmost importance,” Simon replied and threw the man a coin.
Whether it was the money or Simon’s manner, I was not sure, but the gates were opened to us and we drove along a gravel drive to the main building.
A man in livery emerged as we approached and Simon dismounted and helped me down.
” Who’ll hold the horse?” he asked.
The porter shouted and a boy appeared. He held the horse while we, with the man in livery, went towards the porch.
” Will you tell the Principal that we wish to see him immediately on a matter of great urgency?”
Again I was grateful for that authoritative arrogance which resulted in immediate obedience.
We were led through the porch into a stone-flagged hall in which a fire was burning; but it was not enough to warm the place, and I felt the chill. But perhaps it was a spiritual rather than a physical chill.
I was shivering. Simon must have noticed this for he took my arm and I found comfort in that gesture.
” Please to sit in here, sir,” said the porter; and he opened a door on our right to disclose a high-ceilinged room with whitewashed walls, a heavy table, and a few chairs.
“Your name, sir?”
” This is Mrs. Rookwell of Kirkland Revels, and I am Mr. Redvers.”
” You say you had an appointment, sir?” 189 ” I did not say so.”
” It’s usual to make one, sir.”
” We are pressed for time and, as I said, the matter is urgent. Pray go and tell the Principal that we are here.”
The porter retired, and when he was gone Simon smiled at me.
” Anyone would think we were trying to see the Queen.” Then his face softened into a tenderness which I had never seen him give to anyone before except perhaps Hagar. ” Cheer up,” he said, ” even if it’s true, it’s not the end of the world, you know.”
” I’m glad you came with me, I hadn’t meant to say that but the words slipped out.
He took my hand and pressed it firmly. It was a gesture which meant that we were not foolish, hysterical people and should be able to take the calm view.
I walked away from him because I did not trust my emotions. I went to the window and looked out, and I thought of the people who were held captive here. This was their little world. They looked out on the gardens and the moor beyond if they were allowed to look out of windows and this was all they knew of life. Some had been here for years . seventeen years. But perhaps they were kept shut away.
Perhaps they did not even see the gardens and the moor.
It seemed that we waited a very long time before the porter returned.
Then he said: ” Come this way, will you, please.”
As we followed him up a flight of stairs, and along a corridor, I caught a glimpse of barred windows and shivered. So like a prison, I thought.
Then the porter rapped on a door on which the word ” Superintendent” had been painted. A voice said ” Come in” ; and Simon, taking my arm, drew me into the room with him. The whitewashed walls were bare; the oilcloth polished to danger point; and it was a cold and cheerless room; at a desk a man with a tired grey face and a resentful look in his eyes because, I presumed, we had dared invade his privacy without an appointment.
” Pray sit down,” he said, when the porter had left us. ” Am I to understand that your business is urgent?”
” It is of the utmost urgency to us,” said Simon. I spoke then. ” It was good of you to see us. I am Mrs. Rockwell, but before my marriage I was Catherine Corder.” 190 ” Oh 1” The gleam of understanding which came into hu face was a blow which shattered my hopes. I said: “You have a patient here of that name?”
” Yes, that is so.”
I looked at Simon and, try as I might, I could not speak because my tongue had become parched, my throat constricted
” The point is,” went on Simon, ” Mrs. Rockwell has only very recently heard that a Catherine Corder may be here. She has reason to believe that this may be her mother. She has always been under the impression that her mother died when she was very young. Naturally she wishes to know whether the Catherine Corder in this establishment is her mother.”
” The information we have about our patients is confidential as you will appreciate.”
” We do appreciate that,” said Simon. ” But in the case of very close relatives would you not be prepared to give the information which was asked?”
” It would first be necessary to prove the relationship.” I burst out:
“Before my marriage my name was Catherine Corder. My father is Mervyn Corder of Glen House, Glen- green, near Harrogate.
Please tell me whether the patient you have here, who bears the same name as myself, is my mother. “
The Superintendent hesitated; then he said: “I can tell you nothing except that we have a patient here of that name. It is not such an unusual name. Surely your father would supply the information you are seeking from me?”
I looked at Simon, who said: ” I should have thought that such a close relation had a right to know.”
” As I said, the relationship would first have to be proved. I do not think I could betray the trust placed in me by my patient’s relations.”
” Tell me,” I cried wildly, ” does her husband come to visit her regularly each month?”
” Many of our patients’ relatives visit them regularly.” He surveyed us coldly and I could see that he was adamant. Simon was exasperated, but he could not move the Superintendent ” Could I see … ?” I began.
But the Superintendent held up his hand in horror.
“Certainly not,” he said sharply.
“That would be quite impossible.”
Simon looked at me helplessly. ” There’s only one thing | to do,” he said. ” You must write to your father.”
” I think you are right in that,” said the Superintendent, rising to imply that he had given us enough of his time. ” Our patient has been placed here by her husband, but if he gives you permission to see her we should raise no objection, providing of course, that she is well enough to receive you when : you come. That is all the help I can give you. ” :
He pulled the bell and the porter reappeared. We were led out. to the waiting trap.
I felt frustrated as we drove away. Simon did not speak until he had put about a mile between us and the institution: :
Then he pulled up. We were in a lane over which the trees would make an arch of green in the summer; now we could see the blue-grey sky between the black branches, and the clouds being chased across it by the keen wind.
I did not feel the wind; nor, I imagine, did Simon.
He turned to me and slid his arm behind me, although not touching me.
” You’re depressed by all this,” he said.
” Do you wonder?”
” It wasn’t altogether illuminating, was it?”
” Illuminating enough. They have a Catherine Corder there. He did tell us that.”
” She may not be connected with you.”
” I think it is too much of a coincidence if she should not be. I haven’t told you, have I, that my father used to disappear at regular intervals. We did not know where he went. I used to think that he went visiting some woman …” I laughed harshly. ” I know now that he went to Worstwhistle.”
“Can you be so sure?”
“Something tells me it is so. Dr. Smith, remember, has seen her records and he has told me that she is my mother.”
Simon was silent for a few seconds and then he said: ” It’s not like you, Catherine, to despair.”
I noticed that he had dropped the Mrs. and I knew intuitively that that was a sign of the change in our relation- I ship. ,” ” Would you not feel like despair if all this were happening to you? “
” The best way to fight something that frightens you is to go right up to it and look it in the face.”
” I am doing that.”
” Well, what is the worst that could happen?” 192 3!
That another Catherine Carder should be taken to that place. That her child should be born there. “
“We’ll not let it happen. Nobody could do that, could they?”
” Could they not? If the doctor was convinced that it was the best place for me?”
” It’s all such nonsense. I never knew anyone so sane. You’re as sane as I am.”
I turned to him and said vehemently: ” I am, Simon, I am.”
He took my hands and, to my astonishment—for I had not until this moment thought him capable of such a gesture towards me—he kissed them, and I could feel the fervour of those kisses through my gloves.
Then he pressed my hand so tightly that I winced at the pain of his grip.
” I’m with you in this,” he said.
I knew a moment of great happiness. I felt the strength of him flowing into my body, and I was grateful, so grateful that I wondered whether such gratitude must be love.
” Do you mean it?”
” Heart and soul,” he answered. ” Nobody shall take you where you don’t want to go.”
” The way things have been going alarms me, Simon. I’m looking this right in the face, as you said. And I am frightened. I thought I should fight it better by pretending not to be afraid, but pretence isn’t going to help, is it? Ever since I saw the monk the first time, life has changed for me. I’ve been like a different person … a frightened person. I now know that all the time I’ve been wondering what is going to happen next. It has made me nervous … different, Simon, different.”
” Anyone would feel so. There’s nothing strange about that.”
“You don’t believe in ghosts, Simon, do you? If people say they see a ghost, you think they’re lying or that they’ve imagined they saw something.”
” I don’t think that about you.”
” Then you can only think that inside the monk’s robe was a real person.”
” Yes, I think that.”
“Then I must tell you all the truth. Nothing must be held back.” And I told him of the apparition I had seen in the Abbey when Damans was with me, and how she had k. r. 193 declared there had been nothing there. ” I think that was the worst moment of all because then I began to doubt myself.”
” We must assume that Damaris knows what’s going on; she must be a party to the plot. “
” I am sure Luke wants to marry her, but does she want to marry Luke?”
” Perhaps she wants to marry the Revels,” said Simon;
” and she couldn’t do that, could she, unless the place was Luke’s.”
” You’re helping me … you’re helping me a lot.”
” It’s what I want to do more than anything.”
” How can I thank you!”
His arm was round me now ; he drew me to him and kissed me lightly on the cheek. I could feel his cold face pressed against mine for a few seconds and the warmth which enveloped me surprised me.
” It is strange that I should look to you for comfort.”
” Not at all strange. We’re two of a kind.”
” Oh yes, you admire my common sense. You thought it was very clever of me to marry Gabriel … for his possessions.”
” So you remember that.”
” It is not the sort of thing one is likely to forget. I suppose you would not blame whoever it is who wants to drive me mad … if they succeed.”
” I’d wring his neck … if I could find him.”
” Then your attitude has changed.”
” Not in the least. I didn’t admire you for, as I thought, marrying Gabriel for what he could give you. I admired you for your sharp wits and your courage … which I knew were there.”
” I am not being very courageous now.”
” You are going to be.”
” I must be, it seems, if I am to retain your good opinion.”
He was pleased by the lightness which had crept into our conversation; as for myself I was surprised that, with the burden of suspicion that was lying heavily upon me, I could indulge in it; but it did me good that much I knew.
” Yes,” he repeated, ” you are going to be. And I am here to help you.”
” Thank you, Simon.”
He looked at me intently for a few seconds and I read in his looks the knowledge which he wished me to share. He and I were about to embark on a new relationship; it was an 194 exciting one; it would be one of stimulation to us both, of fierce disagreements and splendid accord.