Authors: Carrie Aarons
I
will be
the first to admit that I’m not an emotional person. I don’t cry at sappy TV commercials, I rarely bat an eye when one of my favorite fictional TV characters gets the axe…I’m not even a sobber at weddings.
But something in me changed. A switch flipped. Everything with Finn and the show and finding our way back to each other has made me vulnerable, turned the spigot on in my tear ducts and caused all of the backed up tears to come flooding out.
I cried the entire plane ride and drive to the hospital to see my mom. I prayed…
me
, I actually prayed. I asked God so many times to please just make her healthy, to keep her alive so I could hear her voice one last time.
None of that emotion even measured up to the myriad of feelings that coursed through me when I finally arrived at her room and saw her frail body under the standard hospital sheets.
I’d peeked in the window and my heart plummeted while nausea hit me square in the back of the throat. Running, I made it to the bathroom around the corner just in time to heave the contents of my stomach up and into the bowl.
Turning over and slumping against the stall, my body was wracked with ugly, furious sobs.
“I can’t do this…” I said to no one but myself.
They say the ugliest, hardest thing in life is for a parent to lose their child. And I wasn’t taking away from that, I had no idea what that kind of pain felt like, but watching your parent die is the most agonizing thing I will ever go through.
My mom isn’t just my parent, she’s my best friend. We have held each other up through all of the hardship, and held each other’s hands through all of the good times. I wasn’t just losing my parent, I was losing my entire world, the woman who had been with me since the day I started my life.
Picking myself up off the floor, I splashed some cold water on my face and gave myself the stink-eye in the mirror. “You will not break down in front of her.”
When the nurse opened the door to her room a few minutes later, I had to bite the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood just to stop myself from crying out in grief. Mom stirred at the noise, turning over and smiling as much as her weak body would allow.
“My darling…” She reached out her hand, so tiny and fragile, even more so than when I’d seen her just over a week ago.
“Mom…” I couldn’t force the word out without it breaking. I felt an errant tear roll down my cheek and cursed myself for not being able to be strong for her.
“Oh stop that now, none of that. This is sad. It fucking sucks. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want you to lose me. Stop trying to shoulder the pain for everyone else. It is okay to break down, Leighton.”
I rushed to her side, burrowing my way into her shoulder carefully and letting the tears wash down her skinny arms. She rubbed my back as best as she could, whispering comforting words into my ear.
“Is Finn with you?” She finally let me go, allowing me to sit down in the chair positioned next to her back and grasp her hand in mine.
“No. I left right before I was able to see him for the final charm ceremony.”
“Leighton! Why?! No…you should have stayed. I wanted you to get your happy ending.”
My mom, always so headstrong. And a sucker for the sappy stuff.
“Mom, are you kidding me? I had to come…to see you before…”
“Before I die, sweetheart? It’s okay, you can say it. I know this is scary, I know you feel lost right now. I’m so angry that I have to go. Not just for you, but for myself. I’m too young to die. But…someone decided it’s my time. And so when I go, you’ll be sad. And you’ll be angry. Heartbroken and confused and pissed off. And that’s okay. It’s normal. But after awhile, you have to get over it. You are going to have such a wonderful life, you and Finn.”
I couldn’t compose myself to say anything that she would comprehend through my tears, so I didn’t say anything. I just held her hand and looked into her eyes, knowing that it would be the last time for a long time that I’d be able to do that.
D
eath in movies
or on TV is overdramatized. All of these people rushing around, yelling, machines beeping. In reality, that’s not how it is at all.
My mother died at 9:32 a.m. on a Thursday morning, going peacefully in her sleep. It wasn’t until I woke up from falling asleep in the chair next to her that I realized she’d passed, her hand cold and still in my own.
She had been in the hospital to die, so there was no need for loud machines or rushed medical procedures. The doctors had given her enough drugs to numb the pain, and they’d monitored to make sure she was comfortable. They’d assured me she went easily, passing from this world to the next.
When it finally came, as I sat there holding her hand, I didn’t shed a tear. Shock and numbing grief swept through my system, not allowing me to feel a thing.
I was alone. I had no more family on this earth. Sure, technically I had my father, but creating a child did not a parent make. He’d never been there for me emotionally, or even physically in my life. He’d left us when I was still young. My mother was an only child, her parents were gone.
I was an orphan.
The thought hit me as the door to the room hospital personnel had allowed me to sit in opened. Finn stood at the entry, his tux rumpled and face half-crazed and half-filled with exhaustion.
He didn’t say anything, just looked at me cautiously, as if I were a rabid animal. As if he was unaware what I’d do in that moment.
All I could muster was a nod before I burst into tears and he was gathering me in his arms.
M
y girlfriend is a zombie
.
Leighton hadn’t eaten, slept properly, or changed the look on her face from one of mild haziness for a week and a half.
I understood. I knew why she was acting the way she was. I knew why she couldn’t let the pain in, why she couldn’t accept the grief and deal with it. Hell, my best friend had died horrifically in front of my eyes and I still had nightmares about it years later. I knew what she was going through.
But it didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to pull her out of it. Didn’t mean I wasn’t pushing her to feel it, to acknowledge the splinters beneath the skin.
“Come on, baby, you have to get up. I made you some oatmeal. The kind with cinnamon and apples, your favorite…”
I set the bowl down next to her and cupped her cheek as she stared blankly out the window. My efforts were futile, especially today. She…
we
would have to bury Mary. Her mother. The woman who had, in such a short amount of time, become a second mother to me.
Leighton hadn’t picked herself up out of bed for a week and a half, the only time she’d stop crying was when I got in and wrapped my entire body around her. Only then did she sleep, fitfully and only for an hour or two tops.
I’d be here for her. Through it all, through everything she threw at me. Because that is what you did for the person you loved. This was the lowest point I’d ever seen Leighton at, and I’d be here to get her through it all. Through thick and thin, I’d made the choice the minute I left the set in Hawaii. If I was being honest, I’d made that choice on the beach in Bermuda a long time ago.
We hadn’t talked for one second about the show, the finale or the future. We hadn’t discussed an engagement, hadn’t addressed her leaving Hawaii.
Filming was on hold. Each time a producer or studio exec called me, I hit ignore. Sure, they could sue me, but they needed Leighton and I to give them an ending to their show. It was like a Cold War standoff. They could take me to court, and I could not complete the season and/or go to the press with all of the dirt I’d collected. We each had destructive weapons to use against each other, but using them was not mutually beneficial to either of us. So…they waited.
“I don’t want to go.” Leighton’s voice was hoarse from crying so much.
“I know that baby, but you have to. Please. I’ll be there the whole time.” I smoothed the hair out of her face and leaned down to kiss her temple.
“Me going to that is just a sham. It won’t change that she’s gone. I don’t need to stare at her lying in that coffin…” A sob broke free from her lips.
She began to shake again and I picked her up, scooting her into my lap and into my arms. My heart hurt, physically ached in my chest seeing her in so much pain. And not just for her. I missed Mary. I had grief of my own to deal with. Plus the fact that it had taken so long for Leighton and I to come back together, for her not to see this, not to be at our wedding…
No. I had to keep it together for the both of us. “Hey…hey beautiful. I love you. Listen…”
I rocked her, rubbing her back and murmuring into her ear until she pulled those beautiful hazel eyes up to mine.
“Do you know what your mom said to me the day I came for my hometown visit? When she kicked you out of the room?”
Leighton shook her head, her matted black curls knotting in my fingers as I tried to comb through the strands.
“She told me that you were the brightest star in the universe. That your light shined and radiated to everyone around you. She told me to nurture that light, love you so that you could shine at your brightest. She told me she knew you’d be fine, because you had someone like me loving you. And she told me that we should live, even when she couldn’t anymore. To live each day to the fullest. To love and fight and makeup and want to kill each other. But just to live with so much emotion that when we were old and gray, we didn’t have to look back and regret a single thing.”
Tears leaked from her eyes, but underneath her grief and pain and dazed state, I began to see the forming of a small smile.
“Now let’s get up and go celebrate your mom’s life the way she would want us to.”
T
he funeral was far
from easy. Leighton broke down several times, and most of it I had to physically hold her up or carry her to and from the front row by the casket. She couldn’t handle people coming up to her and offering condolences, so I did it on her behalf while she sat in the back room of the parlor and zoned out.
So I was surprised when I went back to check on her and there she sat, actually conversing with my mother and Marina.
“When did you get here?” I was shocked that they’d even come. I’d been keeping my family informed, but knowing they were on less than okay terms with Leighton, I didn’t think they’d fly across the country.
“About an hour ago. Why don’t you go find your brothers and father, and get the rest of the people out the door. We are going to go to the cafe for a private family meal.”
My mom was in triage mode, and her demands were certainly not questions although she voiced them in a kind and gentle tone. I also didn’t miss the fact that she’d called Leighton family.
Marina squeezed Leighton’s hand as my girlfriend looked up at me, nodding that it was okay to leave her for now. It was the first time in a week that she’d seemed alert. That she actually
saw
me when she looked at me.
After kindly guiding people out of the parlor with my dad, Julian and Carter, we made our way over to Mary’s cafe, which she’d aptly named The Cafe all those years ago.
Leighton was weepy as she unlocked the door and led us inside.
“This place is just so charming, Leighton. Your mother must have worked very hard on it.” My mom wrapped her arm around Leighton’s shoulder.
“It was her pride and joy. She used to love to bring me in here early in the morning on weekends to try out different recipes, different coffee concoctions.” Leighton smiled at the memory.
“I’m going to go whip us up some food.” Marina exited for the kitchen.
“Leighton…if you need anything, anything at all, you just let us know.” My dad took her free hand and squeezed it, and I almost gasped. Leighton looked pretty shocked herself.
We all sat around a cluster of tables pushed together in the cafe until the wee hours of the morning, my family coaxing Leighton into telling them funny stories and beautiful memories of Mary. We talked about our hilarious moments, and even some Leighton had taken part in.
“Remember when Leighton was nearly decapitated when she rode a horse for the first time?” Carter laughed as he took a bite of a chicken salad sandwich.
“It wasn’t that bad!” Leighton argued, the wine and good company making her actually happy, even if it was just for the moment.
“Oh it was terrible,” Marina laughed, tears coming out of the corners of her eyes. “I’ll never forget the way your eyes were bugging out of your head, or how you were screaming for Finn to ‘tranquilize this damn beast!’”
“That wasn’t anything compared to when I let her drive the tractor after she begged me. It was like she didn’t even have a driver’s license, let alone a permit. Jeez, I was standing right next to her guiding her and she still managed to run over half of mom’s flower bed.” Julian grumbled in his usual way, but the light in his eyes told us all he was kidding.
“I get it, I get it, make fun of the city girl in the country.” Leighton leaned her head over, resting it on my shoulder.
We laughed, cried a little more and ate some damn good food. And okay, we might have had one too many glasses of wine. But as I huddled close to Leighton in bed that night, I finally felt her hug me back with that innate strength she’d always possessed. And I knew that slowly but surely, we would be alright.
F
inn had held
the sharks off as long as humanly possible.
After the day of the funeral, it had still taken me another week to feel comfortable enough to go open up the cafe and entertain customers for the day. But I’d done it, and then I’d done it another five days in a row. Each day was a struggle to wake up and realize my mom was gone, but I fought through it. With the help of the dirty blonde angel who’d wrap me in his arms each morning until the pain subsided, I’d get up and start my day.
Because he was an angel. My very own six-foot-five godsend with those eyes, deeper and bluer than the most beautiful oceans, that looked through my soul and tended to find the exact thing I needed.
But now that I was back to work, eating on a somewhat normal basis and actually making trips outside of the house with Finn, the producers of Mr. Right had come sniffing. They were like vampires drawn to blood, they couldn’t stay away from a good opportunity. Or an opportunity that would make them money.
They wanted nothing more than for us to go back to Hawaii, for Finn to get down on one knee and for me to be presented to him like a hog on a platter, ready for the taking.
It wasn’t that I was opposed to getting engaged to Finn again. It was the exact opposite. I couldn’t wait to be his fiancé again, couldn’t wait to marry him as quickly as possible. I just didn’t want to do it in front of the Mr. Right cameras, for the whole world to see. After everything I’d been through in the last six months, I just wanted the public to go away, leave us alone. I’d never wanted my privacy more.
And then there was the Mitchell issue.
“I still can’t believe he did that.” Finn and I are sitting on the couch, waiting for the car to come pick us up for the airport.
Even though we don’t want to go back and film our proposal, we know we have to. It’s what we signed on for.
“I can. He and the rest of that whole crew are pure filth. Evil. They manipulate and turn everyone against each other, even the person themselves.”
He rubbed my shoulder and leaned down to capture my lips. He’d been so gentle with me since my mom’s death, and while almost three weeks had passed, he’d still yet to make a move. I was sad, yes, but I was also horny as hell. I was hoping that if one good thing could come from this trip, it would be us getting our mojo back.
“Is that what it was like with…the Ian thing…?” Finn’s voice was tentative, his lips pressed against my temple so he didn’t have to look me in the eye.
“Yes. Obviously they didn’t force me, but when alcohol is involved and someone keeps pestering you and manipulating you, you are going to give in. He played us, they all did. But we got through it, and fuck them.”
“We’re not through it yet. You sure you want to do this?”
I gazed up at him, my hands skimming over his t-shirt where I could feel the rock hard stomach beneath. I pushed a lock of golden brown aside and palmed his cheek.
“I could not be more ready to do this. Obviously, I wish we didn’t have to do it this way, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do this.”
“Well, it’s not very romantic. You basically know how it’s going to happen.” He threaded his fingers in my hair and my heart gave a content sigh. He was always going to be the all American gentleman, and my heart blushed a little at that.
“I don’t need the romance. I don’t need the speeches. None of that fake crap means anything. I need you. I need us. I love you, Finn Wyatt. None of the other stuff matters. I just need your loyalty, your trust, and your love. This is the real deal this time, not some fake reality. As long as I have you, I’m perfect.”
“You are perfect. For me.” Finn leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, his mouth communicating every emotion he felt. His kiss seared me, marked me and filled my soul to the brim with love.
"Let's go get that rock on your finger," He whispered against my lips.
H
awaii was even more
beautiful than I remembered. In the past month, I felt like I'd blocked out everything that had happened prior to mom's death. It was like that was another life, like the minute she'd died, I'd started an entirely new story. It wasn't necessarily a good one or a better one, but this was a phase where I'd be living on without her. It was strange and new, and I didn't quite know how to navigate it yet.
I stared down at the sparkling diamond on my ring finger, smiling as my heart swelled in my chest. I felt like I'd drunk an entire bottle of champagne, even though I hadn't had a drop today. My veins felt fuzzy with the imaginary bubbles, my head dizzy. That was what love, true, deep love did to you.
I couldn't get the image of Finn finally kneeling in front of me again out of my head. Even though I hadn't needed the speeches or the epic romantic gesture, the Mr. Right producers hadn't spared any expense. They'd thrown the romantic gauntlet at us, the roses, candles, waves crashing on the cliff. The Armani tux on him, the most beautiful golden Marchesa gown on me. They'd even offered me a pick of a new ring, but I'd declined. I wanted the one Finn had picked out originally, the one he'd intended for me to wear for our lifetime together.
They were definitely making up for the Mitchell debacle. After what he'd done to us, which apparently hadn't been approved by higher ups or Chuck, he was on temporary suspension from the show. Chuck let slip to Finn when we got here that the temporariness of that suspension would soon become permanent. After 15 seasons of Mr. Right, Mitchell had finally gone too far over the line. Turns out the producers wanted us to end up together, that the episode of Finn proposing to me was predicted to be one of the highest for ratings in the history of the show. Mitchell had almost ruined that. If it wasn't for Erin...
God, Erin. Finn had explained what had happened, how she'd told him the truth and taken the breakup with dignity and grace. Of course she had, she was nothing but elegant and classy. I felt a little guilty for putting her in that position, for putting her in the position where I knew she'd get her heart broken.
A knock on my door woke me from the rambling thoughts in my head. I opened it, expecting to see Finn just back from signing his exit paperwork for the show. Instead, Marina stood at my door.
"What are you doing here!?" I practically shouted at her, smiling as I stuck my head out to look around.
"Come inside with me." Her smirk was all secrecy, and I couldn't help but wonder what was in the garment bag she had slung over her shoulder.
She shuffled me inside and pushed me until I was sitting on the bed. Out from under her arms came bags upon bags of...stuff.
"What is going on? How did you get here? Is Julian with you?" My brain was on overdrive, wondering why the heck Finn's sister-in-law was in Hawaii
after
we'd filmed the proposal.
Marina set the garment bag on the bed and grinned before unzipping it with a flourish. "We're here for your wedding."
I stood at her words and peered into the bag as she separated the flaps of material. Inside hung a beautiful piece of white fabric with lace trailing down the bodice and skirt.
And then I remembered that she'd said the word wedding. "Excuse me, wait...my what?!"
"Your wedding." It was only then that I took in Marina's attire and saw that she was in a hi-low navy sheath dress. Something that a bridesmaid would wear...
"What the hell is going on?" I got in her face when she turned around and started unloading makeup palettes out of her bag.
Finally she stopped playing the naive, tight-lipped act and turned around with a brilliant smile on her face.
"Finn doesn't want to wait anymore. He set up a surprise wedding for you. So hurry up and sit in this chair, because you are becoming a wife in an hour!"
She jumped up and down two times and then set her serious face on, all while I gaped at her.
"Excuse me..." I still wasn't comprehending, the ringing in my ears only growing louder by the second. She had about three minutes to explain before I had a self-imposed nervous breakdown.
Marina all but sat me in the chair and began to speak as she prepped my face to freshen up my makeup. "Your fiancé decided that he didn't want the network or the tabloids or whoever else out there judging and dictating your relationship anymore. Finn knew he'd be signing the exit paperwork tonight, basically freeing you both from any obligations you had to the show. And now that you're free, he wants to make it official. Make you his wife before Chuck and his minions could rope you into doing a TV wedding. Basically, my brother-in-law is tired of waiting and just wants to make you his wife. So he made it happen."
She says this as if a surprise wedding less than six hours after a proposal is a totally normal occurrence. Then again, Finn and I had never done normal well.
"So you're all here?"
Marina nods. "The entire family. Finn has been planning this for a little while, ever since we knew you'd have to come back to Hawaii. I'll be your matron-of-honor, if that's alright with you..."
I just coughed out a laugh, not knowing how to entertain this any other way. "Of course it is. I wouldn't want anyone else."
"Good, because I'd have hit you if you said anything other than yes. You should see Izzy, she has this adorable white tutu dress and keeps flinging petals out of her basket. And the boys, gosh do they clean up nice."
My stomach began to clench with butterflies thinking about Finn waiting at the end of an aisle for me. For me to walk to him and say our vows. "Where are we even getting married?! Who is marrying us?"
Marina chuckled again. "On the beach, duh! And Finn found some minister on the island. All done with this."
She turned my body so that I'd face the mirror. She'd done something to soften the TV makeup, making me look like a natural Disney-princess. My almond-shaped eyes glistened and I could feel myself on the verge of tears every time I thought the word "wedding."
"No, no, no crying yet!" Marina ran over to the bed and pulled the dress out of its bag. It was a simple, slim column dress that rose high on the neck and secured with a choker of sorts. When she finally got me into it, me sniffling and laughing the entire time, I noticed how the back opened, making it just a little bit sexy. The material hugged my body but flowed out at the hips, the simple lace making it perfect for a beach wedding.
It was exactly the kind of wedding dress I'd have picked for myself. The exact kind of dress I'd be marrying Finn in. Married. Right now.
Marina had come prepared with everything, lifting a beautiful bouquet of pink and blue orchids from a box she'd brought in. "Open the locket."
Attached to the end of the bouquet is a small locket with a rose on the front of it. I flick it open and nearly hyperventilate at what is inside. I try to look at the picture through the mass of tears collecting in my eyes. It's small, cut into a circle to fit the locket shape. My mother stares up at me, a small smile dusting her lips.
"Where in the world did you find this picture?" I choke out, the breath getting stolen from my lungs as my emotions crowd in.
"Finn found it in a photo album while going through your mom's things." Marina says quietly, hugging me from the side.
"Its more than I..." My words cut off, the gravity of the situation sinking into me as I stared down at my smiling mother.
She wasn't going to be here. She wasn't going to be able to see me marry Finn, she wouldn't be able to give me away or dance with me.
"We all know she is looking down on us, so freaking happy that you two finally got it together." Marina leaned in and rubbed my shoulder as I bit my lip to keep from ruining the makeup job she'd just completed.
Another knock on the door interrupted the moment, and I wiped at my eyes as Marina went to open it.
Jackson came through the doorway in a classic black tux. "Wow. You look great."
He flashed a smile, the same one he'd handed down to his son, dimples and all. Finn's father and I were on the path to mending fences; we weren't necessarily friendly yet but he was obviously tolerating me if he was allowing his son to make me his wife in less than 20 minutes from now.
"Thank you, Jackson. And thank you for coming." I took the jewelry Marina began to hang to me, fastening the pearl studs in my ears and the diamond bracelet in a leaf pattern around my wrist.
"I was wondering...I know it might be overstepping, but seeing as you're in need of one...well, it would be my honor if you'd let me walk you down the aisle."
His statement caused me to drop the bracelet on the rug I was so stunned. Tears clogged my throat as I asked, "You'd really do that?"
He shuffled his feet, this big man suddenly looking very self-conscious. "Only if you'd like me to."
I had to take a moment before I answered him due to the emotions running hot and cold through my flesh. "I would love that."
Marina clapped her hands. "Now let's go get married!"