Knight of Ocean Avenue (23 page)

Beside him the door opened. Ru walked in and closed the door behind him. He looked around. “Shaz?” He turned far enough to see Shaz sitting there, and his eyes widened. “Oh, baby, is it that bad?” He knelt and took Shaz’s hands in his. “Tell me.”

Can’t
. Shaz shook his head.

“How about I talk and you agree or disagree?”

Shaz just sat there.

“You’re in love with Billy Ballew.”

His eyes widened. Was he? He looked up at Ru. “I don’t know.”

“For the moment, we’ll be satisfied with ‘you like him a lot.’ Okay?”

Shaz nodded and stared at his shoes.

“And clearly Billy likes you a lot too, or he wouldn’t have looked like someone kicked him in the stomach when Alexander started hitting on you.”

“I guess so.”

Ru sat on the floor in front of Shaz, his tight gray slacks straining over his well-muscled thighs. “Okay, darling, this is where most of the romance novels end, so I’m a little stuck here. If you like him and he likes you, what’s the problem?”

Shaz shrugged. “You know.”

“Yes, I actually do. Taking on a lover who didn’t know he was gay until he met you is a lot of responsibility.”

“Yes, and more. Maybe he’s not really gay—he just likes me.”

“Darling, you may be devastating, but I doubt you’re quite that irresistible.”

Shaz wiped a hand across his cheek.
Stop it. Bad for the skin
. “Forming a partnership with Alex would be so great for business. Hell, with profit sharing, you and the whole staff would be set for life.”

“No one on this staff is asking you to sacrifice yourself for their profit sharing. But maybe it’s your own you’re worried about.”

Shaz stared at the shoes harder. “Why can’t I just want what’s good for me?”

“Because humans almost never do. Think about brussels sprouts.”

“I love brussels sprouts.”

“Yes, but you don’t love Alexander Longstory.”

“Maybe I could.”

Ru’s voice was soft. “You mean if you didn’t love Billy Ballew?”

Water squeezed out of Shaz’s eyes, and he swiped at it as it fell. “I’m not the guy for Billy. It’s going to be hard enough for him to be gay. Having someone like me around will make it twice as bad. You should have seen the way that man at the kid’s baseball practice looked at me.” He shuddered. “I’ve seen it before many times, but it’s been a while. Like my father, just before his hand connected with my face.” He wiped at more tears. “I don’t know if I can run that gauntlet again. In my world, I’m accepted. I don’t have to be afraid.”

Ru wrapped his arms around Shaz. “I understand.”

“And Billy can’t take the ridicule his family and friends would heap on him for being with a queen like me. He doesn’t deserve it.” He pushed away from Ru and sat up. “He needs a macho guy like him who just happens to be gay, not someone who pushes their faces in it.” Ru wiped at the tears dripping from his chin. Shaz took a deep breath. “So I may not want what’s good for me, but I do want what’s good for Billy.”

“And you figure that’s not you?”

“I know it’s not. He looked so embarrassed when I showed up at that field. God, Ru, I wanted to fade into the lawn. Imagine him taking me home to that virago of a mother. I mean, she’s a great lady, but she’d eat us both alive. No, no matter what I decide, I’ll let Billy think I’m going into partnership with Alexander. That’s for the best. Then he can move on.”

“Even if it breaks his heart?”

“He’s not that attached to me. He already knows it’s too hard to be with me, I know he does.”

“So your mind’s made up?”

Shaz stared at the floor and nodded. Streams of tears poured down his face. “I feel like the Cowardly Lion.”

“Afraid?”

Shaz shook his head. “No. I want someone to talk me out of it.” And he threw his arms around Ru and sobbed.

B
ILLY
WALKED
up to his folks’ house. The grass needed cutting. It had been weeks since he’d been there. Since before the wedding. Since before Shaz. He stared down at his sneakers with the hole in the toe.
Get this over with.

He opened the front door. Sounds of voices and laughter came from the dining room as always. The thought of going in there made him sick to his stomach. He stepped back out on the porch and closed the door.
Might as well cut the fucking grass
. Down the walk and up the driveway toward the rear garage, his parents kept a shed where they stored gardening equipment. He pulled the double doors open and hauled out the mower. With a yank he fired it up, then started his familiar pattern, down one side and up the other. Nice fresh smell, sort of like the scent of Shaz’s neck.

Somebody looked out the window, but he just kept cutting. The longer it took, the longer he didn’t have to go in there.

His dad came out on the front porch and yelled, “Billy, come inside. You don’t have to do that now.”

Keep mowing
. If not now, he’d have to come back later, and he didn’t want to. After a couple of minutes, his dad shrugged and walked back inside.

When Billy finished the front, he kept going and mowed the back. That was more challenging because of the big trees, but he pushed and hauled. He’d hated doing the back when he was a kid. Now it felt good to bang the mower against tree trunks.

After one big hit against a giant ficus, he gave the fuck up and turned off the mower. He was twice done. Mow anymore and the grass would rise up in protest.

He dragged the mower back to the shed.
Quit stalling
. He shut the doors with a bang and dragged his feet to the back porch. The usual good smells greeted him when he opened the door. His mom pulled a roast beef from the oven while Teresa mashed potatoes. His stomach growled, then flipped.

His mom looked up from the roast. “Billy, where have you been? We haven’t seen you for weeks. And how can you come here looking like that when I know you have nice clothes to wear now? Isn’t your family deserving of your good appearance?”

He stared at her. How could he say he couldn’t bear to wear the clothes because they made him think of Shaz? “I don’t give a damn how I look.”

Her mouth fell open, and he walked across the kitchen, pushed open the swinging door, and walked through to the dining room. Six pairs of eyes looked up as he came in and all conversation stopped. Rhonda gazed at him steadily, but Mitch was a deer in the headlights. What did they expect him to say?
Done any more cheating with random gay guys, Mitch
?

His dad seemed to pick up on his mood. He walked over, slapped Billy’s shoulder, and stuck out his hand. “Thanks for doing the lawns, son. They really needed it.”

“Yeah.”

“Everything good at work?”

“Yeah.”

“How are the cats?”

His dad hated cats, so that made him smile. “They’re good. Feline as ever.”

His father laughed. “I was afraid of that.”

That broke the ice, and Austin walked over and shook hands. “Good to see you.”

“Thanks. Where’re Clarice and Fred?”

“She’s working late at the hospital. Fred’s going to meet her and then come here. I guess they’re short nurses, so they really work her. Hell, sounds like she’s been working near as hard as you.”

The door to the kitchen bumped open, and Teresa came in butt first, carrying two steaming bowls. She put them on hot pads on the table and then walked straight to Billy. “Hi, kiddo.”

“Hi, sis.”

“Come with me.” She led him out of the dining room into the barely used formal living room, where she turned and stared up into his face. “What’s eating you?”

He shook his head. “Nothing I’m up for talking about.”

“Okay. Got that. If you do want to talk, you have my number.”

He grinned. He loved Teresa so much. “Always have had your number.”

“So true. Just tell me you’re okay. Not dying of some dreaded disease. You’ve lost weight.”

“Nothing dire.” He sucked in air to keep the heat behind his eyes from getting worse. “Just figuring out life.”

“Okay, well, that’s a good thing. You’ve been living someone else’s life for way too long.”

He stared at her. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“Like all big life stuff, we each have to find it out for ourselves.” She hugged him, which felt good.

Their mother’s voice sounded from the dining room. “Dinner!”

She stepped back. “Seriously, if you need a sounding board, I’m here. You know that.”

“Thank you. You always have been.” But was this too much even for Teresa? Could he say “I’m gay and seriously out of my mind for a guy with flaming red hair that hangs down to his shoulders and wears makeup and pink pants who doesn’t love me back”?
Jesus Ballew, when you reevaluate life, you sure don’t fuck around.

When they got back to the dining room, everyone else was seated. Teresa sat next to Austin, and Billy picked the chair between his father and Mitch.

His mother said grace, and they started passing dishes. He took a little of everything, but only the mashed potatoes actually tasted good to him. Comfort on a plate.

His mother took a slice of roast beef from the platter. “So, Billy, where is Sissy?”

He looked up and caught Teresa looking at him with compassion. Enough of this shit. “I have no idea where she is.”

“I was hoping you would bring her today.”

“Then you should have invited her, Mother, because Sissy and I have no relationship beyond being casual friends. And never will have. Pass the potatoes.”

“I see.”

“Good.” He put more potatoes on his plate, set them down in front of him on the table, and shoved a forkful into his mouth.

If the others were picking up on his mood, his mother was working hard to ignore it. Pushing her luck. “So who are you dating? Are we going to meet a new young lady soon?”

Slowly, he set down his fork. “Ma’am, I mean no disrespect, but I’m a grown man and have been for a long time. I’m living my own life and feel no need to explain it or justify it to anyone. If that isn’t okay with you, forgive me, but just don’t invite me to dinner in the future.” He pushed back the chair, rose, and walked out of the house. He could practically feel the waves of shock emanating from the dining room.

Inside the truck he looked down at his hands that were shaking like he had the disease Teresa was afraid of. He still hadn’t told his mother he was gay.

S
HAZ
SAT
at his office desk and stared at the profit and loss statement for the business. Figures swam in front of his eyes. He had to make a decision and get his damned love life out of the equation. With a sniff, he blew his nose. Doing what was best for his business, his employees, and himself. Mutually exclusive?
Shit
. He stared at the printout again.

Shazam was doing great. How much better would those numbers be if he went into business with Alexander? The Longstory name commanded respect throughout the world of fashion. Longstory and Phillips would position Shaz as both the partner and the heir, not that Alex was that old. It would increase clientele and revenues. It would benefit all the people who worked for Shazam. Lord, it would make Rupert. His designs would be seen on an international stage.

Shaz sat back and squeezed the bridge of his nose. All he had to do was compromise. Not necessarily in a bad way, but partnership was compromise and Alex would be the senior partner, no matter how they set it up on paper. They’d develop a joint vision for the business to replace the single vision that Shaz held now. A joint vision that would strongly reflect Alex’s point of view since he was more famous and richer.

Oh yes, not to mention the little detail of Shaz’s cock in Alex’s ass. That was surely part of Alex’s vision. If Shaz said no to that part, could he make it stick? Or would he succumb because it was easier not to fight?

Oh sweet crap, he’d like to dig a hole and crawl in.

The tapping on his half-open door accompanied the voice. “Boss?”

Shaz looked up. “Millicent, when did I become your boss?”

She grinned in that cheeky way she had. “Always. I just don’t always like to admit it.”

“Well, go back to not admitting it, darling. What can I do for you?”

“I’m an, uh, emissary.”

Shaz sat up straighter. “Emissary, huh? Did Ru teach you that word?”

“Yep.” She laughed.

“Okay, emissary, come sit down.” She settled into the comfortable chair across his desk. “What’s up?”

“Ru told us about the offer you got from Alexander Longstory.”

“Yes, I told him he could tell you.”

“Yeah. Well, we all think it’s very cool that this big-name dude picked you. Hell, he could have his choice of stylists, and it shows how good you are that he wants to be in business with you.”

Shaz hid his sigh. “Yes, I suppose it is a compliment to all of us.”

“Yeah, well, we know you wouldn’t go anywhere without taking all of us, so we figured it was a package deal.”

He smiled. “True.”

A sound came from the half-open door like a “psst.” Millicent looked up and nodded. Clearly a team effort. That made sense since it affected all their futures.

She shrugged and grinned. “So the point is, we think it shows you’re so good that you don’t need him.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Ru says you’re rising faster than he is, and we think that’s why he wants you. He might be more famous now, but you’re the up-and-comer, and he wants to grab on to your star. So we think you shouldn’t do it. Mostly, we like working for you, and we want to help you be the big star on your own with no help from Mr. Has-Been.”

Shaz stared at her, then burst out laughing. “Are you serious?”

She nodded.

“Well, son of a bitch.”

The door pushed open and in piled Ru, Amy, Cassandra, and behind them crowded his two assistant stylists, Hank and José, plus he could see the tops of the heads of his hairdressers.

Cass pushed to the front. “Listen, Shaz, baby, Cassandra doesn’t work for anybody but you. Okeydokey?”