Leap (12 page)

During our lunch, Owen and I touch again briefly on Mack and the situation. We also settle into other conversations about Owen’s work, my parents, and Jocelyn. We reminisce about his and Mack’s days at BU. We laugh a little, get serious a little, but mostly it’s casual and light, and I feel more relaxed than I have in a while.

When we say our goodbyes, I find it hard. Owen is a part of Mack and saying goodbye to him is like saying goodbye to a piece of Mack. I know I’ll see Owen again soon, but it still hurts.

We hug in front of the restaurant amongst the sounds of car horns and the hustle and bustle of the city. People guide past us swiftly but I don’t notice too much. I’m dealing with this goodbye.

Owen pulls back a little and holds my face in his hands. He gently strokes my cheek but not amorously. Just as my friend. Just as Mack’s best friend. He smiles at me with only the corners of his lips lifting, and I feel a sudden tear drift from the corner of my eye.

“Corrine, I believe in miracles. I believe that there’s someone watching over him and that he’ll be back with us soon. I have to believe that. You have to believe that and everyone else who loves him needs to believe that. If we lose hope and the belief—we really aren’t doing Mack any good. So please, Corrine, keep that belief in your heart. If not for yourself, for Mack, for Haven.”

I swallow the rest of my tears and make a promise, and I lie. I try so hard to hold on. I know in my head I sound like a martyr, and maybe I am God dammit, but what I feel, I can’t control. I have always been cynical. I don’t want to be, but it’s in my makeup.

My dad pulls up to the curb of the restaurant and hops out to give Owen a quick hug and pat on the back.

“Owen, so good to see you. I’m so glad you were able to make time to see Corrine.”

“Mr. Blanchard, I wouldn't have it any other way. Good to see you, sir, but I need to catch my flight. Corrine, I’ll call you next week and in the meantime any news you may get, please call.” He gives me a swift kiss on the cheek and a handshake for my dad and within a flash like so many things in my life, Owen hails a cab and he’s gone.

On the way home, Dad asks me about my lunch with Owen. My answers are short. Fine. Fine. Fine. They are my answers. A few yes’s and no’s are in there as well. But now I’m tired, and I want to sleep. I don’t want to forget my afternoon with Owen, but I still don’t know why when I see anything or anyone that has to do with Mack, my heart aches so bad for him. Seeing the people that are in his life does bring me joy but sadness is never far away.

My dad knows me. He knows when I mumble my one-word answers I no longer want to talk. He pats my hand, and I look over at him. My dad's handsome, warming eyes reach mine, and I feel at ease.

“Why don’t you rest, honey. It’s a long drive home. I know you must be tired.”

I nod then rest my head against the window of the car. I don’t want to be tired any longer. So quickly. I just want to think of Mack and his face. So I close my eyes and think back about the summer before we went to college. The time after Mack saved me, and how that summer Mack changed my life forever.

MACK & CORRINE ~ END OF JULY 2003

T
his summer has been an unexpectedly fun one. All with the exception of a few panic attacks in the middle of the night. I’m learning how to control them, but not without Mack, and soon we’ll be at different schools. If I have one, I just throw something at his window. It’s not even a matter of him opening his window and asking me what the problem is. Once I had the fourth one, he just uses his key and comes in the back porch door, up to my room, on my bed, and we talk. He strokes my hair, and makes me think of something else to relieve my mind of what happened with Mark the night of the prom. I eventually fall asleep and when I wake up, he’s gone. I do get a few looks from people who went to the same school as Mark, but for the most part, no one knows the truth. They think we got into a fight, and now I'm the prude who wouldn't fuck Mark on prom night. And I’m fine with that. Mark’s already gone to his college on some summer program so he's not around.

My parents and Jocelyn gave Mack and me a dual graduation party with some family and friends. We ate and danced and most of all, smiled. Even Jocelyn did. She shed enough tears during the graduation ceremony.

I work part-time at the Village Ice Cream Shop on the boardwalk on Long Beach and Mack is a lifeguard. I see him every day, of course. He comes in on one of his breaks, begs me for free ice cream and cools off. Unfortunately, Veronica always seems to show up at the shop when Mack is on break. Ironically.

Ironically nauseating.

I can’t believe he’s still with her. She’s going to some small university near BU. All her efforts to go to where Mack is going went down the toilet when the dumbass couldn't score high enough on her SATs.

Mack walks in as I wipe down the counter after some little brat took a fit and smashed his ice cream on top of it because I forgot the sprinkles. Whatever. Kids suck.

He plops himself on a stool. Beads of sweat claim his forehead, and his tan is deep and golden. He looks handsome . . . wait, no . . . he’s gorgeous. When I see Mack in this light, I mentally tell myself that it's okay to find my best friend attractive. There's no denying it. You can’t even walk past Mack without looking at him. Anyone would find him attractive. It’s fine. Our relationship is based on trust, friendship, and respect. Mack being attractive is just a plus.

I hand Mack a few napkins so he can wipe the sweat from his brow.

“Hot out there today, isn’t it?”

He puts down the napkins and looks at me with an annoyed grin.

“Ya think, smart ass.” I take pity on him and hand him a water with ice.

He takes a long drink. I watch the methodical bobbing of his Adam’s apple while the water slides down his throat, and I swallow hard watching him. I break out quickly from my temporary gaze and clear my throat as I speak to him.

“So I heard there’s a party at Rich Murphy’s tonight. You going?”

He runs his hands down his face and groans slightly.

“Probably not. I promised Veronica that I’d take her to go see that new Reese Witherspoon movie tonight.”

I roll my eyes of course. “You mean the one where she’s the lawyer? The second one? Are you serious, Mack? This is one of the last parties of the summer before people start leaving for school. Don’t you want to hang with your friends since you won’t see them?" I sound frustrated, which I am.

“Well, she wants to spend as much time with me as possible before I leave, so I told her to pick a movie. I want to see the new
Pirates of the Caribbean
movie, but even enticing her to see a Johnny Depp movie wasn’t changing her mind.”

I turn my back to Mack and shake my head as I sigh.

“What’s the problem with that, Rinny? She is my girlfriend, and boyfriends take girlfriends to see girly movies. I’ll go see the pirate movie with Steve or Jeff, or I’ll make you go with me.” My hands slam on the back counter after I refill the straw dispenser and turn around to glare at him.

“No, Mack. You should be making
her
go with you to see that movie. It’s always what
she
wants. She wanted to go to that new sushi place on Third. You hate sushi but took her when you really just wanted to go to the Italian place on Tenth. And why? Because when you told her you didn’t want to go there, she cried and told you she didn’t think you cared about her feelings. Am I missing anything else from that conversation because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly the way it went down, verbatim?” My voice is raised, and I’m lucky there aren’t any customers here right now.

Mack crosses his arms in front of him and stands up defensively. “Look, I know you hate her, but she is
my
girlfriend and if I want to take
my
girlfriend to a movie she wants to see, then that’s my choice, Corrine, and it’s none of your business.”

Shit. He called me Corrine. A warning sign that I’m in trouble.

In no way shape or form am I going to allow him to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do about her, or the fact that she takes advantage of him in so many ways.

“You make it my business, Mack. You tell me shit about you and her, and I’m constantly defending you because she’s an idiot, Mack.”

Mack shakes his finger at me as a warning. “Watch it. Don’t call her an idiot.”

I laugh backhandedly. “You just don’t see it. She’s going to a community college for an undeclared major a half-hour away from BU so she can be closer to you. I mean who does that?”

“She’s not an idiot just because she’s going to a community college. And what’s wrong with her wanting to be close to me?”

“Hmm, let me think about those answers for a second. I didn’t say she was an idiot for going to a community college. I know plenty of people going to one and
that
doesn’t make her an idiot. What makes her one is the way she drapes all over you and follows you around like some dog in heat. All you two do is make out in front of people. And in case you weren't aware, just because my bedroom window is closed, doesn’t mean I can’t hear her screaming your name from your room while your mom is sleeping with Dr. Xanax. It’s disgusting.”

All there are now are a few moments of uncomfortable silence. A look appears on Mack’s face like one of realization, and he smirks at me and nods several times.

“Oh, I get it now. You’re jealous because I have a girlfriend and we have sex and you're an eighteen-year-old virgin. Is that what it is, Rinny? And speaking of draping all over people, don’t think I haven’t seen you rubbing up against any guy who pays the slightest bit of attention to you in the last few weeks. You look desperate and pathetic just because you want to do it with someone—anyone—before you go to college.”

I step around the counter, the anger boiling inside me like a volcano ready to erupt. Placing myself in front of his tall frame, my hands shake so badly I can’t control them. They quiver at my sides.

“Fuck you, Mack. You think you know me so well. I’m not jealous of you and her. I pity you both because if you think I look pathetic for trying to hook up with guys, which I’m allowed to do, you look doubly pathetic for carrying on like two dogs in heat. Trouble is, it's right in front of your face and you don’t even see it. There are things about her you don’t know about. She has ulterior motives. I know it. You're just too blind by her stupid vagina to see it.”

Mack steps up to me, nose to nose. The tips of his flip-flops and my Converse are touching. He eyes me up ready to strike.

“Well at least someone’s vagina is getting some attention, unlike yours.”

But it’s me who strikes. I take a small step back, and my hand makes a strong contact to his face, and I hear it. I even feel the sting as my hand slaps his face.

“Get out, Mack. Don’t talk to me ever again. I hate you.” My selfishness doesn’t even allow me to feel bad because I don’t. I just don’t. I don’t know if it’s embarrassment, my pride, or lack thereof. I probably deserved his words.

He rubs his cheek and looks to the floor. His eyes go nowhere near mine. The bells on the ice cream shop door chime and his stare turns to the door. A family walks in. Happy, content, and oblivious to what has just transpired between Mack and me. I spin quickly on my heels and turn to go back around the counter. My heart beats rapidly inside my chest and my ears are on fire.

I stutter out, “May . . . may, I help you?” Mack still stands there. I feel him staring at me. The dad tells me they’re deciding what to order so I stand there and meet Mack’s glare. His eyes are set on me. If I were the center of a target and Mack’s eyes were the arrow, his aim would be spot on.

The family orders, then take up residence at a table at the far end of the shop. My hands are firmly placed on top of the counter until Mack grabs both my wrists. I try to loosen myself from his grasp without making a scene. I seethe and close my eyes tightly.

“Get off me, Mack. I told you to go. We’re done here.” He doesn’t let upon his hold.

He brings his face closer to mine, and I tilt my chin away from him.

“I’ll go, Corrine, but remember, some things you say, you can take never take back. Strong words. Meaningless words. You can’t take them back.”