Leap (16 page)

I roll my eyes at him. “I know I’m not super-boobs like Veronica so don’t make me feel like a flat-chested thirteen-year-old, either.”

When I look back to him his expression has changed. His head drifts back stiffly, then a tentative smile appears on his face.

“I think you’re beautiful, Corrine. You’ve grown into a beautiful woman. You're not a girl anymore.” I feel heat rise up in my cheeks as his hands go to my breasts and as soon as contact is made, gooseflesh raises up on my skin, and my head falls back slightly.

Mack's breath is uneven and I hear an inaudible sound come out of his mouth. I’m so afraid to look up at him but I have to. I have to see if touching me is affecting him the way his touch is affecting me. Just a quick glance and his eyes say it all; know it all. It is. His eyes say it all. Our eyes meeting say it all.

Crushing my lips to his, we fall backwards onto the mattress, in a snap our hands are going everywhere, reaching for more clothes to get rid of, and before I know it all that’s between Mack and me right now is flesh. Flesh and bone. Skin contacting with skin. Air from our lungs and heat radiating off our bodies. We are on our knees now holding each other and looking at each other for different responses. Whether verbal or physical.

This is happening. I’m naked with Mack. Mack is going to make love to me. He’s taking my virginity. I’m losing it to Mack, and I think I’m losing my mind as well. He let’s go of me, stretches his lean body over and reaches into his bedside table drawer and pulls out a shiny, foil wrapper. My head falls into my hands, and I bite my lip.

“Jesus, Mack. This is so crazy.”

He takes my hand away from my face, and I watch him rip the foil from the condom wrapper and place it on himself. I watch in astonishment and wonder. I feel a little pervy because I haven’t seen Mack’s penis since we were like six I think when he whipped it out and peed on the beach.

Standing at attention, I squint with one eye looking at it, and Mack smiles and puts his hands out towards it.

“Not sure about how crazy it is. You tell me.”

I laugh. “Nuts, this is nuts. You're nuts. And then there are your nuts.”

Mack shakes his head. “Smartass.”

He pushes me gently on my chest—urging me to lie back. I do so and he nestles himself between my legs once again. This is the part where I’m about to lose my shit because it’s going to happen.

It.

I begin to hyperventilate, and I’m getting even dizzier. I shut my eyes so tight I can see flashes of light behind my eyelids. Then I feel his hands on my face.

“Open your eyes, Rinny. Open them. Look at me. Look at my eyes.”

As if his voice has magical superpowers, I open them and look at the warmth of them, and I can’t go back to shutting them. I erase my nervousness or Mack’s eyes have taken that away.

“Listen to what I’m going to tell you, Rinny. I’m going to put it in you now. A little at a time. It may hurt at first, but I need you to tell me if it does 'cause I’ll stop. Immediately, I’ll stop.”

I nod because that’s all I can do.

He touches his lips to mine and then eases back to look at me again.

“You ready?”

“I think so. Go slow, Mack. Please. Please don’t hurt me.”

He brushes a strand of hair from my face and winks and smiles gracefully. “Never, Rinny. Never.”

And just like Mack said, it hurts for a few seconds. He stops when I tense up, then I urge him to continue. He does until I feel full, and my eyes go wide when I realize all of him is inside me. All of Mack is in my body. We’re connected.

He moves so slowly—like a bird soaring in the sky, like water through a brook. He takes his time and the more he moves in me, the better it begins to feel. His face is buried in the crook of my neck. I feel the strength in his upper arms, and he pushes inside me and I raise my hips up slightly to meet each of his tender thrusts.

“Oh God, Corrine. Oh God.”

He stills and mumbles into my skin. “Are you okay? Want me to stop?”

Why would he ask such a thing?

Even though I’m shaking slightly from nerves and my heart pangs against my chest, there’s no way he’s stopping.

“No, keep going. I’m fine. Kiss me, Mack. Kiss me.” He does and I roll my hips, and he grinds into them into a circular motion. There’s nothing but kisses and a sheen of sweat between our bodies, and I feel like I’m that bird flying up so high in the sky. The spot where I always go to when I’m alone starts to pulsate, and I buck my hips up in one swift move as Mack continues to pull all the stops out before I’m crying out his name and spinning into oblivion. He kisses me to silence me, and I cry into his mouth as the relentless coiling in my belly rolls over and over again. Then I feel him tense up and shake, making the same sounds as I am. All the while looking into each other's eyes. I’m a thousand feet in the air. Drifting there. The bird that was just ascending into the sky is coming down.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Until I reach the earth once again do I come to the awareness that yes, I just lost my virginity to my best friend in the entire world. And despite what Mack Cooper says, what just happened between us
will
change us because what he just gave to me forever changed me and now there's zero doubt in my mind—I’m in love with him, and he’ll never know it.

CORRINE ~ PRESENT DAY

T
oday is just another day where nothing changes except for the pain. I sit in my room in front of my computer, and edit the photos I took a few weeks ago. I look at the ones I took of Haven playing basketball with my dad in the driveway. I sat inside on the porch to avoid the heat because I just can’t take it. They had no idea I was shooting them. I captured Haven making a basket and my dad high-fiving her. I find at another one I took of mom and Jocelyn sitting on the Adirondack chairs, drinking iced tea and cheering on Haven. Jocelyn doesn’t smile too often, like me, so this was a rarity that I snagged such a moment. It was an almost perfect day when the fall leaves were on the ground, but the humidity of the extended summer hung in the air. Our girl was with us. Smiling like her daddy. Happy to be with her family; happy to be a child. Being a child doesn’t include burdens or worriment. I wish I were that carefree. I’m not now. Will I ever be?

The sun shines on my sweet girl’s face in such a way that makes her look even more angelic. Puberty doesn’t seem to be affecting her too much. She doesn’t have any pimples or anything. Her other grandmother refuses to buy her a training bra so when it was our turn again, I didn’t care. Joce and I took her to the store for one. She needs one. It’s so plain to see, and I would never want her to feel self-conscious about herself or anyone else making her feel that way.

The phone rings and I jump. Of course I do. It’s an undesirable feeling to have not knowing if the conversation will be in your favor or not.

“Hello?”

“Corrine?”

Lizzie. I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Hey there.” The sound of my voice is less than enthusiastic, even if I don’t mean it to sound that way.

Lizzie is always the one besides Mack that doesn’t put up with my shit or let me slip into the darkness of my pain.

“Whelp, sorry, sister, it’s not someone from the New York lottery telling you that you’ve won a billion bucks.”

I smile to myself.

“Hey, sorry. Just haven’t heard much lately so every time the phone rings . . .”

She cuts me off, “Yeah, I figured. How’s Haven? Pain in the ass Grandmother still filling her head with all that
Carrie
mother-type, religious shit?”

“Not that she says. Only that she takes her to some preteen abstinence class on the weeks she has her. Not like the kid is going to have sex now. She just got her period a few weeks ago for God’s sake. I told her about the birds and the bees.”

“Yeah, she’s whacked. Drilling that shit into her head. Let her be a goddamn kid.”

As soon as Haven got her period and Grace found out, it’s as though she felt she already sinned and she needs saving. She needs to be rescued from womanhood. She won’t be promiscuous. She won’t be a whore like her mother, and she won’t be a drug addict. Maybe Grace thinks since she couldn’t save Veronica, she can start by prematurely saving Haven. But as long as I breathe, that child will only need to be saved if she’s in need of a breath.

“And how are you feeling? Taking care of yourself, or is Mae doing it all for you?”

“I am. Doing everything I’m supposed to do like a good girl.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. Listen, I’ll be around visiting my parents next week so can I pick you up for lunch. Just you and me?”

Every decision I make takes effort. Even the ones that are placed in my hands take strength to decide whether I should or I shouldn’t.

“That sounds good. I’d like that. I had lunch with Owen a few weeks ago.”

She whispers in the phone, “Did he ask about me?” I laugh.

“Oh, yes, Lizzie. He told me he’s madly in love with you, and he’s so sorry he took that job in D.C. because that would only mean that the one night stand you guys had back in the day meant everything to him. He said it was the best sex of his life. Even better than that actress from that TV show he dated a few years ago.”

“Hardy har. Listen, Blanchard, I probably was the best sex he ever had. Even drunk on two bottles of Boone’s Farm wine and I bet I was better than that hoity-toity A-list actress.”

My body quakes from my laughter and I have to cover the receiving end of the phone so she doesn’t hear me.

“I gotta go, Lizzie. See you next week.”

“Wait, wait. Corrine, did he look hot?”

“You’re married to a handsome, rich, and sweet as pie dermatologist. Why do you care if Owen looks hot?”

She sighs in the phone. “Just the college freshman in me, I guess.”

“Then, yes, he looked super-hot. Bye, Liz.”

I can still hear her calling my name as I hang up the phone. I go back to my computer and decide to look at everything I’ve archived in the past years. All the photos I’ve taken. I come across pictures of freshman year. The year I went to Mass Arts and Mack went to Boston University. It was also the year we met Owen Decker, and our worlds were turned upside down.

MACK AND CORRINE ~ APRIL 2004

F
or it being the busiest year of my life, I’m having the best time. I’ve met some nice people and made a lot of friends. Mass Arts is an amazing school. I’ve learned so much so far, and there’s no doubt in my mind I want photography to be my career. High school photography classes were small potatoes compared to college photography courses. My camera is permanently attached to my body. Next year, I’m hoping Lizzie will switch schools and maybe move up here and we can get a little off-campus apartment.

As for guys, I’m forever ruined by one man. I’m not saying I haven’t had sex again. I have, once. It was silly and uneventful because all I kept wishing was that it was Mack. I’d shut my eyes so tight just so I could see Mack. After we had sex, we kept saying it wouldn't change us. We weren’t going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It wouldn’t happen between us again. I wished afterwards he didn’t make it so
abundantly
clear. But that’s how it was. I had to get over it. I kept telling myself it was just sex. It was taking mercy on a virgin. I didn’t even tell Lizzie. She still thinks the guy in my romance languages class took my ‘V’ card.

I thanked God that the week between it happening and leaving for school, Mack and I were busy packing and spending time with our families. We went to Freeport and traveled out to Port Jefferson. They took us to a concert at Jones Beach. We went to the city and stopped at Rockefeller Center just like old times, except it wasn’t. John Cooper was missing.

All those little trips were difficult because I kept feeling a sense of awkwardness knowing Mack saw me naked. He touched my boobs. His penis was inside me. I felt like a fool but he didn’t
make
me feel that way. It was all in my head. But I wanted him to be affected.

Our last night at home, we looked up at the old, fading glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of my bedroom. We lay there not saying much. It killed me to lie next to him like that. I wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. It still tortured me.