Leap (20 page)

Embarrassed, I look to my feet because, maybe, they’ll tell Dr. Thomas the truth.

“Corrine?”

“No, I haven’t seen him since the week after I was released from the hospital.”

I look towards my parents, who seem displeased with my refusal to go talk to someone. And the look on Dr. Thomas’s face displays his disapproval.

“Corrine, seeing a therapist for the trauma you went through is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s called therapy for a reason; it’s
therapeutic.
It will help.”

I shake my head at him.

“I’m fine. I don’t need to talk to some stranger about what happened, Dr. Thomas. I deal with it every day, in my own way. When Mack comes home, he’ll be my therapy. Haven is my therapy. I’ll be fine.”

My eyes travel between all of them, and I read the somberness in their expressions. What’s it going to do for me, really? It all happened fast. Nothing prepares you for the inconceivable trauma I went through. Talking to a stranger isn’t going to change that. I’ll go through my life with that memory. I like to think of it as a nightmare. And as long as Mack isn’t here, the nightmare continues.

Dr. Thomas clears his throat. “Corrine, one more thing you need to consider. As your life goes on, and you get into a new relationship . . .” I interrupt him.

“A new relationship? When I’m ready? I’m in a relationship. When Mack comes home we’re getting married and we are going to start a family. Don’t bring up a new relationship. Don’t you dare!” With anger comes anxiety. I try to stand up, but I can’t on my own and my dad pushes down on my shoulder to still me. He and mom warn me not to get so excited.

“Corrine, I apologize; I was trying to make a point. Maybe it came out the wrong way, but under the circumstances I want you to be prepared in case . . .”

“In case what, Dr. Thomas? He’s dead somewhere? That the man I love has had his head chopped off? Is that what you're trying to prepare me for? For what the fucking monsters will do to him?”

I cry. The tears burn my skin like lava.

Dr. Thomas looks remorseful. And he should.

“Corrine, Mr. and Mrs. Blanchard, I am so sorry it all came out wrong but my point is, Corrine, the possibility of becoming pregnant is ill-advised. Pregnancy in someone with active MS can exacerbate the disease.”

My mom speaks up. “But you said the disease is non-active?”

“I did say that, but you still have the disease. I’d advise you to have testing done prior to becoming pregnant in order to make sure there are no active lesions.”

My heart goes into my stomach, and I feel like I can’t catch my breath for a moment. What Dr. Thomas is telling me nearly breaks me down so badly, I want to crawl out of my skin and sink away from this world of constant and epic pain.

“Mack will come home to me, contrary to your belief, Dr. Thomas. We will be married, we will be a family again, and we
will
add to our family. I believe in that.”

I have to believe in my words. I have to have so much hope in my heart in order to just get through the day. I need my beliefs to stay in place because it’s what I’m surviving on.

“Double letter score for me, Rinny. And that adds up to . . . I win!”

Haven cheers and bounces on the bed, spilling the tiles off the Scrabble board. She stands up and does a victory dance, which is adorable.

I laugh and look up at her.

“Silly girl. You always beat me. Are you reading books on how to beat someone at Scrabble?” Haven plops down on the bed next to me, and we snuggle against each other.

“Rinny, I have to tell you something.”

God knows what this child is going to tell me. I hold my breath slightly, and I cringe inside even without knowing what’s she’s going to ask.

“What’s up? You okay?”

She nods. “I’m fine, but can I ask you something?”

“Sure, baby. What is it?”

She shifts away and rests her head up on her hand and leans on her elbow. She faces me, and I mimic the same position. I can count her little brown freckles on her nose, and I notice the little gap between her two front teeth. I feel so connected to Mack when I’m with Haven. I feel almost whole.

“How do you know when you're in love?”

Oh, boy.

“Um, well, do you think you're in love, Haven?”

She sighs and closes her eyes.

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

“Is there a boy you like?”

“Yeah. His name is Brandon. He’s on the boys baseball team at my school. He’s got these big, blueish-green eyes, and dark hair, and he has this curveball when he pitches that like . . . oh God, Rinny, when he swings that bat, I feel funny in my stomach.”

My heart stops pounding away in my chest because the awful thing that I thought she was going to tell me, doesn’t come out. Her eyes are just dreamy, and she blushed when she spoke of this boy. My baby has a crush.

“Wow, that sounds super cool. Is he a nice boy?”

She nods.

“So am I in love?”

I smooth a curl away from her face and tuck it behind her ear.

“Well, baby, I’m not sure about the love part, but you definitely like him. Love is different than a crush. Love defines you after you fall into it. But you can fall in love with a lot of things. I fell in love with photography, and art, and you.” I tap her nose and she laughs. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. Just being here with Haven and having a girl's night sleepover is so much fun and all the therapy I need.

“Can you paint my nails, Rinny?”

“Sure. Go pick a color.” She hops off my bed and goes to my dresser where my nail polishes are. She picks a color, I sit up in bed and she joins me.

I shake the bottle of polish and take her hand.

“Rinny?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Can you tell me the story of how you and daddy fell in love? I know you started with a like then you loved him. Can you tell me the story? And start from the beginning and don’t leave out any of the good stuff.” Her eyes grow wide with excitement.

“You stayed in the hospital for a few weeks after you were born. You know that for a short time you had some problems.” Haven nods. “You cried a lot. You weren't a good sleeper—at all. We moved to Boston and got an apartment because Daddy would have lost his scholarship if he didn’t go back to BU right away. Grandma Joce moved with us for the first month. Your grandma Grace would come up on weekends and help if we had homework to do, sometimes. I rearranged my schedule around Daddy’s so I was home with you while he was at school. Sometimes when we needed a break from school, we’d just take you down to the St. Charles River, or we just enjoyed playing with you in the apartment or at the park.”

I talk as I paint her nails, and my hands aren’t as steady as they used to be. She looks up at me when she sees my hands shaking. She reassures me that it’s okay, and I see in her eyes that she’s catching on to what's going on with me. I can feel it.

“We’ll fix it later, Rinny. Just keep talking.”

I clear my throat and continue, “I loved that apartment. It was small. You shared a room with Daddy but you would always hop in my bed.”

“I’m still doing it.” We both laugh, and I agree with her.

“Those school years were tough. We raised you so young and managed to both graduate with honors. Don’t ask me how we did that. I still can’t believe it.” Haven beams at me. The twinkle in her eye is so familiar. It’s Mack’s twinkle.

“Then Daddy got the job as a staff writer with the newspaper in Boston a year before he got the job at the network in New York.”

“Then we moved, right?”

I smile and wink at her.

“We lived in this third floor walk-up on the East Side. Great neighborhood. All the neighbors knew each other. They really knew you, though. You were like the mayor of the block. What a personality. You’d say hi to everyone who passed us on the street. You would ride on your dad’s shoulders and wave to everyone. Everyone we knew would say, ‘hello, Haven Hope’. I never knew anyone who called me by my first and middle names. That made you even more special. But we already knew you were.”

Haven blows on her nails to dry them, and I sit back against the headboard.

“So grandma Joce would come during the day while you and Daddy worked. And then most weekends I’d go with Grandma Grace, right?”

“Most of the time, yes. I worked part-time at a magazine taking photographs and I waitressed a little when Grace had you.”

“Then you fell in love?”

“Ah, no. Not exactly.”

She groans in frustration, but in a fun, playful way.

“Well, enough about me. I want you to skip to the good part. The falling in love good part.”

It’s hard for me to skip right to part about falling in love because there were some bumps. And hills and a few mountains to conquer before that element came into fruition. It was actually poetic and messy. Inevitable and costly is how it turned out. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way. You have to do complicated before you fall and land. Shit, it was complicated, but Haven doesn't have to know that.

MACK, CORRINE, AND HAVEN ~ 2010

“A
nd then, Daddy, you shoulda seen me hit the ball wif da bat. I hit it really far.”

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to see it, Goobs. I missed you so much and I feel so bad.”

“It’s okay, Daddy. Rinny was there. And so was Justin.”

“Justin?”

I look up at Haven as she rides on top of Mack’s shoulders, and recoil a little because she just let the cat out of the bag.

Mack doesn’t turn to look at me. His focus is still on the sidewalk in front of us as we head to one of our favorite restaurants with Haven. He’s been gone on assignment for ten days and we’re celebrating him being home.

We walk in silence down the busy street. The smell of summer and the hot asphalt hits my nose. We’re having a major heatwave and I can’t wait to get to the restaurant and into some air conditioning.

We take a seat at the little mom and pop restaurant in Little Italy. We come here often. After ten days of Indian food for Mack, I knew that as soon as the cab dropped him off from JFK, he’d want gnocchi from Sal and Gia.

I look over my menu because I’m not sure what I’m in the mood for tonight. Plus, I don’t want to discuss Justin being at Haven’s softball game with me with Mack.

“Baby girl, are you getting the spaghetti as usual?”

She always gets the spaghetti.

“I don’t know, Daddy. I lost my other front toof so the spaghetti will just go frew the holes in there.” I look up from my menu and wink at Haven.

“Wow, open up and let me see.” Mack inspects her mouth when he asks her to. His eyes grow wide, and he makes the biggest deal out of her losing her tooth. She talks so funny now. Almost every word she says has a lisp, and it’s nothing short of adorable.

“We can fit a car in that garage. Think we can get our car in there, Rinny?”

I inspect the gap between her teeth as well.

“Geez, Mack. I’m not sure. I think she should try to get a meatball through there first, then we’ll see about the car.”

Laughter erupts like it always does when the three of us tease each other. I sip on my wine while Haven colors on a placemat. My phone dings and I take it out, sliding the cover over to read the message. I smile because it’s Justin. I don’t reply, but I shut the ringer off and put it in my bag.

“Was that Justin?”

While looking at my menu again, I don’t look up. I just answer Mack with a ‘yup’.

“And he came to Haven’s game with you?”

Another ‘yup’ from me.

“Did he come over to the apartment when I was away?”

Fuck.

“Uh, when Haven went to Grace’s the weekend before. He came with me to Merrick and we stopped by my parent's house since we were already on the island. We had dinner in Oceanside.” I study the menu like I haven’t seen it a hundred times before. Christ, I've memorized the damn thing because we come so often.

“And then when you got back he came to the apartment?”

I quietly put down the menu and roll my eyes at him.

“Yes, Mack. He came back to the apartment. We split a bottle of wine, and I showed him my portfolio from Mass Art because he’s one of the junior editors at the magazine.” He just stares at me, and I go back to studying the menu that I already know by heart.