Leap (15 page)

The corner of Will’s mouth lifts. “I lied, Corrine. If you didn’t notice, all the girls I’ve ever talked about dating were from other schools. They didn’t even exist. I made them all up. Except for one or two. We made out at parties. I called them, took them out, but again, nothing. I’m so sorry, Corrine. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I like you, and you're a great friend to me. I just . . . I don’t feel that way about you, and as far as the sex part goes, I . . . I just can’t. It has nothing to do with you, it’s all me. Forgive me?”

“Will, this is who you are. There’s nothing to forgive you for, but you need to be true to yourself. If your family can’t accept you for who you are, then shame on them. You are a great person who deserves to be happy. Be happy, Will. Be with who makes you happy.”

We hug and he laughs for a moment.

“Jesus, Corrine, I’m still a virgin. I’m going to the freaking University of Miami as a virgin.”

I laugh right along with him. “We have two things in common then. We both like guys and we are both going to college as virgins.”

Will looks so regretful, and I try to ease his mind by telling him not to worry. I tell Will that sometimes in life we have to take chances. We have to do what makes us happy and surround ourselves with what makes us happy. Life is about taking chances. Life is about taking the leap of faith.
The leap
.

Damn Mack Cooper for drilling in my head his words of wisdom.

Damn him.

I convince Will to let me out of the car a few blocks away from my house. I know it’s late, but I like walking in the dark, sea air. It clears my mind. Especially tonight because my mind is nothing but a whirly, twirly mess. He argued with me about walking alone at night, and even though I feel awful for Will, I needed to get out of the car and just breathe and think.

A heavy feeling hangs within my heart. No one wants me. I’ll be a virgin when I get to college. I can’t even give a gay guy a hard on. Not that many women could. Will kept it a secret for so long. From his family, his friends. Everyone in his life. I find it so sad.

I reach my house and I should be so exhausted I can’t see straight, but I’m not. I may be mentally, but as my mind still continues to turn its wheels, I know there’s no sleeping for me tonight. I know I’ll just toss and turn in that bed. I make my way to the back porch, first stealing an airplane sized bourbon from my dad's stash. I plop on one of the Adirondack chairs and listen to the night crickets and the frogs that are out back by the water. It’s musical and the sounds are comforting. I take a swig from the bottle of bourbon and feel it burn my throat. I don’t usually drink liquor, but tonight's events call for something a little stronger than a light beer. Then I do it. I cry into my hands. No, I don’t just cry. I sob. I fucking sob. I take another swig, then cry some more. I feel so damn sorry for myself that my pathetic excuse for being a girl who can’t get de-virginized has driven me to drink.

“What the hell are you doing out here?” I hear a disembodied voice in the night air, and it’s the last voice I want to hear. I look over to where the voice is coming from, and I see Mack in the light of the moon sitting in the same kind of chair, in the same position as I am on his back porch.

I turn my head around again, out towards the water. “What do you care?” I bite out. I swallow another sip of the alcohol and wipe my face. I don’t hear him again, but I hear the door of his back porch creek open and shut and I can feel his presence as he makes his way through the dewy grass and over the pebbled walkway that separates our homes. I point towards his house without even looking to address him.

“Don’t even bother, Mack. Leave me alone. I’m not in the mood for any of your crap. I don’t feel like fighting, and I don’t need to hear any of your arrogant smugness mixed with your teenage know-it-all attitude.” As soon as I raise the tiny bottle up to my lips, Mack snatches it and throws it far across the reeds until I hear it splash into the water.

I settle back in my chair with much exaggerated casualness.

“That’s considered littering by the county of Nassau. Therefore, subject to a hefty fine, which I would think you wouldn't be able to pay due to your low-paying salary as a protector of our sacred beaches.”

I look up at Mack’s tall, lean figure, and even though it’s dark, his eyes appear prismatic by way of the moonlight. But I hate him, and there's no way he’s going to look at me and expect I’ll forgive him for being so rotten to me.

“You’re such a smartass, but whatever. Just answer me, Corrine. Why are you sitting out here in the dark, by yourself, crying and drinking? Where’s Will?”

I mumble. “Will went home.”

Mack holds his chin in his hand and looks like he’s thinking deeply. “And why is that?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m not his type.” I leave it at that. I’m not breaking Will’s trust and telling Mack he’s gay. I don’t play that way.

Mack pulls up a lone chair next to me and invites himself to my pity party.

“I could have told you that, Rinny.”

My face flushes and I narrow my eyes at him. Then I think about it.

Mack knew. He knew all along. He’s probably always known. Mack is a vault. Once something is said and asked to remain a secret, that’s exactly how it’s kept. Even if Will didn’t tell him—which I doubt he did—Mack had his suspicions.

“And you let me continue to go out with him and kiss him.” He lets a sound of astonishment out.

“Yep. It was actually kind of fun to watch you two hang all over each other.” I punch him in the arm and stand up.

“I hate you, Mack. I really hate you. How could you let me do that? I couldn’t care less if we weren’t talking. You allowed me to make an ass out of myself. Do you hate
me
so much that you thought it would be funny to teach me a lesson? Figure stuff out on my own? Well, it’s not funny. It’s hurtful and deceiving.” I quickly get out of my chair and walk away from him. Not knowing where I’m walking to, but I’m walking. I don’t get far before I’m captured by his arms from behind. I struggle, but he’s not letting go. My tears come out in buckets, and the more I try to get out of his hold, the more I cry and the tighter his arms go around me.

“Let go of me, Mack. You made me look like such a fool. I hate you so much. I hate you. I hate you.” As I sob, I become weaker. I feel my body ease up, and I stop fighting and just cry. I continue telling him I hate him.

I feel Mack’s breath on my neck as he rests his chin on my shoulder and he whispers in my ear, “You don’t hate me, Rinny, and I could never hurt you on purpose. I could never be that cruel. I could never hate you. Never, ever.”

I let him hold me from behind. Although the night air is warm from the summer’s heat, I shiver.

“Why, Mack? Why can’t it just be easy?”

“Why can’t what be easy, Rinny?”

“I just want someone to pay attention to me for me. Am I that repulsive that guys either have to drug me to have sex with me or use me to figure out if they like girls? I can’t win.”

Mack lets go and turns me around. I can’t look up at him. I can’t look him in the eye. He knows this but forces my chin upwards anyway so I can look at him.

“Come with me.” Nothing more is said as he takes my hand and leads me across the path of our homes to his house. We go in, walk up the stairs to Mack’s room, and he instructs me to lie down. I do it reluctantly, just thinking that this is something we do anyway. We always lie on each other's beds and look up at the faded and peeling glow-in-the-dark stars and simply talk.

Mack shuts his door, grabs a box of tissues from his bathroom, and hands the box to me. No lights are on except from the small nightlight coming from the bathroom on the other side of the room. I feel the other side of the bed dip down as Mack lies down next to me. I wipe my nose with a tissue and let out an exhausted sigh.

“We leave in a week,” Mack says in a low tone.

“Yeah. We won’t be doing this again for a long time.”

“True. At least till Thanksgiving.”

“I mean we will, but it won’t be the same, will it?”

I feel him shift on the bed, and I look over at him as he props up on his elbow and rests his head on his hand. He looks at me with a somber smile.

“Nope. For a number of reasons.”

I put down the tissues and take the same position as him.

“What kind of reasons?”

With only inches to spare between the two of us, Mack reaches his hand behind my head and draws my face to his. I have no time to react. Our lips meet softly only for a few seconds, and I pull away just as gently as when his touched mine. Stunned is an understatement.

“Mack? What . . . what are you doing?”

“I’m kissing you, Corrine. What does it look like I’m doing?”

“What? Why?” I sit up a bit with my back against his headboard.

“Rinny, when a guy wants to kiss you, you don’t ask why, you just let him.”

I shake my head, because for one, why does Mack want to kiss me? And two . . . why does Mack want to kiss me?

I laugh right at him. “But it’s you wanting to kiss me, Mack. What the hell has gotten into you? Are you drunk? You shouldn’t kiss me. You have Veronica, and I’m sure she’d be less than thrilled if she knew you just kissed me.”

He pulls me down by my legs and rolls me onto my back, lying on top of me.

Looking so intently into my eyes, he brushes stray hairs away from my forehead.

“I don’t give a shit what she thinks, or what she knows. We’re done; it’s over. I’m fine. I don’t care.”

So finally he’s come to his senses.

“I want to be the one, Rinny. Let me be the one.”

He can’t be serious. He can’t mean what I think he means. Not him. He can’t want this with me.

“Mack, you don’t want that, and I don’t want your pity. Don’t make me feel any worse than I already do. Please, Mack, not you.” I swallow my words along with the threatening tears.

Mack doesn’t give me a chance to answer because in an instant, his lips are on me, and his tongue is coaxing my lips to part. Internally, I’m in a battle with my conscience whether or not this is a good idea. This is Mack. Mack is kissing me. His hands are wrapped around my hair. I can smell his breath and the scent of his skin and feel the warmth of his breath on my face.

“Nothing about this is pity, Corrine. Nothing. It’s just about us. Right here, right now. Nothing about this will change us.”

As Mack adjusts himself on top of my body, he maneuvers my knees out to the sides so he fits so perfectly between my legs. Hooking his hands and forearms under my arms, he holds the sides of my face. Looking at me as serious as a heart attack, my nerves begin to get the best of me. My focus is off as I feel between my legs what I should have been feeling from Will tonight but instead the hardness of Mack is felt between my shorts and no, he’s not taking pity on me. He wants this. He wants this for me and for him.

“Let me be the one, Rinny.” His voice so soft and gentle only someone as close as I am to his mouth right now could audibly hear him. “No one knows you better than I do.” My heart palpates and I can feel my palms start to sweat. My hands are on Mack’s shoulders, and I can feel tingles in my toes and in my belly—an unfamiliar flutter.

“This is sex, Rinny. This is between you and me. That’s all this is. Let me be the first because I never want you to forget that it was me.”

How am I supposed to say no to that? How can I when I feel so safe in this moment with Mack? Everything about him is familiar, warm, and comfortable. He’d never hurt me. He wants to do this so I feel safe. He has to know that no matter what I’ll always feel safe with him.

I shut my eyes so tightly I see flashes of white. Hoping that the tighter I keep them closed somehow something in my brain will tell me what to do next. It never comes so I decide with reckless abandonment.

“I would never forget you were the first, Mack. I couldn’t but if you don’t kiss me again, I think I’ll back out and I’m afraid I’d regret that forever. We won’t let it change us, but be the one I’ll always remember.”

And with the third time since we were almost twelve, Mack Cooper’s lips are on mine, and I open up to him not only with my mouth but with the thoughts of where we are about to go and what we are about to do. Mack’s tongue tangles with mine in a slow, methodical way. Not the typical teenage, sloppy make out session type kissing. This is what I think it’s supposed to be like. I always envisioned when a man and a woman are about to do it, it’s romantic, and gentle, and loving. As Mack kisses me and holds me like he is, I realize it's pretty close to that. I wouldn’t expect anything less from.

Mack’s lips are soft and so are his hands. I feel lighter than air and my mind is so clear but I’m so dizzy all at the same time.

“Rinny, lift up your shirt and take it off and I’m going to take off mine. Take your bra off too.” I giggle and Mack looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“What the hell is so funny?” I cover my mouth with my hand and stifle my laugh even more until he removes it from me.

“This, Mack. What are we doing? You just told me to take off my bra. Who says that?”

“I am. Don’t be goofy. Just do it.” I shake my head no. Mack grabs the hem of my shirt and lifts it over my head with no forewarning. I’m in my bra—feeling so exposed I cover my chest with my arms. Mack’s not having it. He takes my arms down, places them at my sides, and hooks his fingers under the straps of my bra—sliding them down over my arms. Gingerly, he reaches behind and unhooks my bra. I feel the material spill from my skin, and swallow hard as Mack stares. His eyes are blank. Unreadable.