Read Learning to Live (The Infinite Love Series Book 1) Online
Authors: Kira Adams
Paul’s eyes widen. “You have siblings? How old are they?”
Ciera speaks now. “Seven and nine.”
Paul shakes his head slightly. “What happened to their father?”
“Motorcycle accident. They never had a chance to know him.”
Ciera has never shared this information before, and sadness washes over me. None of it seems fair.
“I’m sorry,” Paul says quickly.
Ciera shrugs. “It was very hard on my mother, but I did the best I could.”
He shakes his head. “You are so much stronger than I imagined.”
I squeeze her inner thigh reassuringly. “Yes, she is.”
“What do you like to do?” he asks.
She shrugs, a cynical look taking over her face. “It doesn’t really matter anymore.”
He straightens up. “It matters to me.”
“She likes to write,” I throw in. “She’s very talented.”
“Really?” His eyes light up as he examines her.
She averts his gaze. “It’s nothing really. Just a silly dream.”
“I’d love to read some of your writing sometime,” Paul says warmly.
“Yeah, maybe,” she replies, taking a sip off her water.
We spend the next hour at the restaurant, before it’s obvious that Ciera needs her rest. Although I don’t understand fully why Paul never took responsibility as a father, I can’t fault him for trying now. He plans on staying in town the next week or two. Ciera is hesitant to spend more time with him, but when he asks to exchange numbers, she does.
After tucking her in bed, I make my way downstairs, hoping to grab a cup of tea. As I wait for the tea leaves to soak into my scorching hot water, I hear footsteps heading into the kitchen.
“She in bed?” my father asks as he takes a seat at the island. He removes his suit jacket, lying it onto the counter beside him.
I nod, blowing on my hot mug.
“How did it go with her father?” Ever since Ciera has been staying with us, I’ve felt closer to my own father. I feel comfortable talking with him again, and when he doesn’t work late, we even share meals together some days.
I shrug. “As good as it could, I suppose.”
He locks eyes with me with a forlorn expression. “How are you doing?”
I inhale deeply. “I’m fine.”
My father’s eyes narrow. “How are you really doing?”
I shake my head. “I’ve been better?”
He exhales. “That’s an understatement.”
“What do you want from me?” I ask in an irritated tone.
My father’s face falls. “I want you to talk to me, Topher. I know it’s been a difficult year all around, but I want you to know that you can trust me.”
What do you want me to say?
I want to scream.
My girlfriend is dying. My life was flipped upside down just by having her in it and now it’s being turned about once more because I’m losing my reason for breathing.
My eyes well up with tears as I clench my fists tightly.
My father slips off the stool gently and takes a few hesitant steps toward me. When he reaches out for me, I break. The tears come out like a floodgate has been opened. I feel him pull me in close, his hand gripping my shoulder tightly. He doesn’t say anything for a long while, just lets me cry.
I haven’t hugged my father since before I found out about Clarke and his sexuality. It feels strange, but comfortable.
“She’s the best person I know,” I choke out.
I can feel him nodding. “I’m so sorry, Topher.”
It’s the first time I’ve cried in front of anyone. It’s the first time I’ve let my emotions take over me in the presence of another person. Every night when I lay my head down, I am reminded that we are one day closer to losing her forever. I’ve soaked my pillows nightly for a while now, drowning in my sorrows.
When I finally compose myself and pull away from him, he doesn’t let me go far. “I’m going to be here for you, Topher, every step of the way.”
I nod gently as he presses his forehead to mine. “I love you and I am so proud of the man you have become.”
I pull back gently and look up into his eyes. “I’ve been a son of a bitch, how can you even say that?”
He shakes his head softly. “No, you just didn’t understand. But I can tell you’ve changed, and I know a lot of that has to do with Ciera.”
I nod. “I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for her…”
“You’d just be a little lost is all,” my father says softly.
I don’t know why he is letting me slide on the way I treated him. God knows I don’t deserve it. But, I am thankful nonetheless. I know I am going to need him more than ever in the coming weeks. I’m just happy we are on speaking terms.
* * *
When I finally make it back upstairs, I am surprised to see Ciera wide-eyed and awake. She is licking an envelope as I walk into her bedroom.
“What are you doing up?” I ask as I eye the clock on the nightstand. 9:26 pm.
She finishes closing the envelope, and then hands it to me.
“What is this?” I ask, a grin pulling at my lips.
Her expression is heartbreaking.
I take a seat softly on the bed next to her.
“I want you to read this…after I’m gone.”
I glance at the letter and then back up to her face. Tears are beginning to slowly slip down her cheeks. “Promise me, you’ll wait.”
I nod, tears welling up into my own eyes for the second time tonight. “I promise.”
I was one hell of person before Ciera, and after a few weeks of chipping away my tough exterior, she was able to bring out the real person. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to open up to someone again like I have with her. I don’t know that I’ll ever want to.
I hope she’s right, about us meeting in another life. I would find her a thousand times over if it meant we might get a better chance.
It’s funny that the girl I barely knew existed before, changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I thought I knew where my life was headed, but she opened my eyes—she showed me the potential I have inside.
I’ll probably never meet another person as incredible as her. But now that I’ve had a taste, I’ll never settle again. I’ll never stop searching.
Epilogue
Just because it was pre-planned did not make it any easier. February 20
th
rolled around, and we piled around Ciera’s bedside to say goodbye to her. It happened so quickly and before we knew it, she was gone. Unexpected visitors showed up at her funeral to pay their respects. Joe, Sophia, even Alyssa…all made appearances. They never understood my relationship with her, but when they time came, they were there for me.
Ciera changed me in ways I never dreamed possible. She inspired me. She taught me to live life to the fullest because you never know what tomorrow might bring. Because of her, I savor each and every small moment in life. I miss her every day. I miss her wide sapphire eyes that immobilized me. I miss her smile that could light up a room. I miss her innocence.
I hated the person I was before Ciera. I had given up on life. I thought that was as good as it could get. Before her, I coasted through life on my good looks and popularity. I let it define me. I let people’s expectations define me. She showed me that in the real world, looks and popularity don’t mean jack shit. She showed me that the most powerful expectations are those that we carve out for ourselves.
I don’t take anything or anyone for granted anymore.
I feel her everywhere. I know she’s watching and proud. I see her in everything: the sun, the sky, flowers. It’s as if part of her is spread amongst it all. She was cremated, and Ms. Nelson and I scattered her ashes along the Oregon coast. I go back from time to time to visit. To talk with her.
I look forward to the day we meet again. To the day I get to feel her smooth skin and touch her soft lips. I know she is waiting for me, wherever she is.
Topher,
I wish I could tell you that it is all going to be okay. But you know I’d be lying.
When I first found out about my tumor, I cried, I lashed out, I couldn’t understand why it had to be me. I found the unfairness in all of it. I was too young. I didn’t get a chance to enjoy life to the fullest. And then I spent time with you, and I couldn’t understand how someone who had everything could be so negative, could be so cynical. I envied you for the life I knew you were going to have, a long one full of love, laughter, and even heartbreak.
And then I met the real you, the person inside just dying to get out. You were full of life and you pushed me to experience more, to do more with the time I had left. I wasn’t anticipating you, but I embraced all of it. You’re a much better person than even you give yourself credit for.
I know it’s going to be difficult these coming weeks without me, but please don’t be afraid to embrace those feelings. Sometimes, you have to be fully broken in order to piece yourself together again.
Please watch over my mother, Rose, and Wesley. Make sure they are going to be okay. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your father. He loves you and I have no doubt he will be there for you in this difficult time. I want you to take the necessary time to grieve me, but I don’t want you slipping back into your depression. I don’t want you to fall back into your old ways. Being numb isn’t any better than being sad, it’s just easier. Sometimes the easy route isn’t necessarily the best one.
You always say I am the best thing that ever happened to you. But you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. In all honestly, I feel as though you were brought into my life for a reason. I wasn’t strong enough to go through it all on my own, but you helped me find my strength. Thank you for helping me finally live.
Remember that just because you can’t see me anymore doesn’t mean that I’m not there. I’m always going to be watching over you, protecting you in any way I can. Remember that what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.
I will love you all the days of my life.
Until we meet again…
Yours,
Ciera
List of Things to do Before I’m Gone:
Fly a kite at the beach
Go skinny dipping
Go camping
Roast marshmallows
Explore a cave
Play miniature golf
Write a book
See a shooting star
Hike Mt. Hood
Ride a horse
Go sledding
Have a snowball fight
Make love
Fall in love
Sing karaoke
Go to the zoo
Ride the Max
Dine and ditch
Meet my father
Drink champagne
Get a tattoo
Get a piercing
Find my muse
Go to Winter Formal
Go to a theme park
Sign-up for a 5k
Get my diploma
Find a sand dollar
Try ice skating
Go to a haunted house