Legacy: Letters from eminent parents to their daughters (4 page)

I spent a long time trying to figure out what was missing in my life and took some time off to go to a Vipassana camp. Sometimes, the realization comes to you a little late because once you start leading your life a particular way, it’s really tough to bring in significant changes. Vipassana helped me enormously. Honestly, I didn’t learn the meditation technique at the camp, but the mandatory silence at the camp gave me eleven days with myself, helping me seek answers to the many questions I had about the purpose of my life and how I wanted to lead it.

I reflected then and continue to reflect now on what was missing, and I want to share with you what I have learnt. Firstly, Anna, while I gained a lot, I also paid a big price for that lack of balance in many parts of my life. If I was able to turn back the clock, I would lead a more balanced life, even if it would mean not having had the same degree of success or even if that success had taken longer to come. But I am convinced it would have been a more enjoyable, more durable journey in the long run.

Back home, with a clearer picture of the life I wanted, I decided to give up my job at DSP Merrill Lynch right at the peak of my career. I could have easily continued there or I could have gone on to manage a larger company, or earn more fame and fortune, but that wasn’t all what I wanted to do. In fact, I figured that my job was taking away a lot of flexibility from what I really wanted to do with my life. I felt that I needed to course-correct my life, before it was too late in terms of choosing a new career that would be more intellectually stimulating, but would give me more flexibility with how I wanted to spend my time with myself, and on things outside the work place.

You mother understands the need for balance in life and I envy her ability to lead her life with a sense of balance. It is my hope that you will learn from my mistakes, and also inherit this ability from her so that you have a better life.

Dear Anna, please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. While I fervently hope that you cultivate a sense of balance in life as early as possible, I hope that it does not happen at the cost of drive and intensity in your chosen calling. I just hope that while doing so, you will balance your career pursuits with your responsibility, to yourself from a health perspective or with your relationships, and to society more broadly.

Sometimes I look at your mother and feel envious of how she has struck what I feel is the right balance—one which works for her, for her family, and for the society at large. It is not easy working in the not-for-profit space. Your mother chose to work with an NGO that serves mentally challenged children. It is tough to be inspired to serve a section of society when you have never been impacted by the cause directly or indirectly. It is a struggle, but with some smart time management, flexi- timings, working from home, and leveraging the power of the cell phone, your mama makes sure that she does her best for this cause but is still always there for you and the family at every point. And while doing all this, she finds time for her exercise, meditation, and pranic healing practice, which she believes is critical to her own physical and spiritual well-being. Your mother does sometimes wonder if she is being productive to the best of her abilities, but doesn’t fully appreciate how I love the balance she has found in her life.

I have also discovered that it is very important for any person not to live life being distracted or pushed by other people’s opinions, influences, or expectations. In doing so, we land up doing things that don’t really give us any lasting sense of joy, and because the passion is missing, we can’t make any meaningful contribution to what we are doing. As children grow up, parents want them to be something that they themselves dreamt of becoming, or what they believe will be appreciated by others. For you, we don’t want anything of that sort. Our dream for you is to seek the counsel of well-wishers, but follow your own dream, whatever that is, without the restrictions of parental or societal expectations.

When I was growing up, career choices were dictated by necessity. If anybody wanted to make a middle-class living they had to become an engineer, a doctor, or a chartered accountant. The relative good fortune that we’ve had, and the evolution of our country, will give you some flexibility to do what you want to do. Whatever it is you choose to do, remember that you don’t have to be rich or famous or successful, you just need to enjoy the journey and be happy. As you grow up, your mom and I are hoping that we are able to give you the full breadth of experiences in life so that you can discover what you really want to do.

I was very lucky that, by God’s grace, I landed up doing things that have really given me enjoyment, but at various points over the years, I could have actually got pushed into something because it was the right thing to do from a society or family point of view and I would have been miserable if I had actually gone down that path. Life sometimes presents you with these small left or right turns and you land up on a completely different road. I got very lucky in landing up doing something I wanted to do. But in your case, I want to make sure it’s not serendipity but a more thoughtful process that arises from within you, so that you know what will give you joy. While we will counsel and debate with you, we are always going to be okay with any well-thought through choices that you might make. Yes, we will be as happy if you want to sing, or become a dancer, or serve a cause fulltime, as we will be if you want to become a chef and start a restaurant!

Darling Anna, I now want to share with you two other big lessons that I have learnt along the way, the first of which is that often people grossly overestimate the value of Intelligence Quotient and grossly underestimate the value of Emotional Quotient (terms that you will learn to appreciate as you grow). I have learnt that every parent pushes their child on the Intelligence Quotient aspect. Mostly this is marked by a desire for their child to be a topper. What I really want is to raise you in such a way that your emotional quotient and ability to think flourishes over simple academic excellence. I am convinced that in the long run, as a thinker, and a more emotionally balanced person, you will get a lot more out of life, than someone purely aspiring for straight ‘A’s!

The other learning that I want to share with you is that if there is one other thing that will truly distinguish you, it will be compassion. As you grow, you will begin to appreciate how important a quality this is, given the opportunity to spread happiness to those you know and the many others you do not, in this very unequal world we live in. Instead of lecturing you about being a good human being, we have and will continue to do our best to demonstrate to you through leading by example. From working with children, we know how incredibly observant kids are, and how much they absorb from simple observation. And so, my dear Anna, we hope you will learn compassion from the way we conduct ourselves at home, with each other, and with the domestic help who works with us.

We believe that compassion will also be kindled by the exposure that you will get to observe how to positively impact those less privileged, and then have the opportunity to practice this as you keep growing. This is why, when you were still a very little child, you celebrated some of your birthdays at the Asha Sadan orphanage. I don’t know if you still remember but last year you actually participated for the first time by serving the kids at the orphanage the goodies that we had taken along. You happily played with them and seemed to have a great time at the party. I know that you also enjoy giving biscuits to urchins at traffic lights, and have got to understand why that is a good idea and giving them money is not. Do you remember the time we went to the Sobo Central Mall for a little outing, and I bought you a giant lollipop that had totally bedazzled you? If you do, you will also remember how when we came out of the mall, a poor boy at entrance asked you for the lollipop. Initially, you were confused, but then when I nodded and smiled, you happily gave it away, and we trooped back in to buy you a new one. When we came back out, the little boy had come back with a friend, whose look begged you for the same generosity! It warmed my heart when you looked at me for approval and once again gave away your treat. I can still see how excited you were to see the boys so happy with their unexpected treat, and we went back in for you to receive a reward of two giant lollipops.

My dear Anna, I now want to tell you about a subject that deeply engrosses me and one that I know you will also reflect on as you grow older—the purpose of wealth. I want you to know my views on this because it will also help you understand some of my own actions, which are somewhat counter to established practices of our times. I believe that wealth is an incredible tool and a godsend blessing. When used productively, it can bring long-lasting joy and true happiness, but when misused, or accumulated without purpose, it can become a disease that destroys families and relationships.

I want your pursuit for your passions to be driven more by your desire to excel and be happy, than the desire to simply earn wealth. True wealth is happiness, and in my own experience, true wealth will chase you if you do the right things. Don’t be mistaken, my love, we certainly do not want you to be lazy. We certainly want you to explore your full potential, but with a sense of balance and not a mindless pursuit of wealth. Growing up in very affluent surroundings, my mother would never push us to study, but instead, she would explain to us that if we wanted to be successful, it would solely be on the basis of the values she sought to instil in us and our own effort to build our careers. It is up to you to make your destiny, she would say and your aunts and I took it to heart and never gave our parents any cause for complaint on this count. I can see that at a young age, you are already so conscientious with your work for the sake of learning.

Sometimes your mother and I worry that the level of affluence that you are born into, is very different from what we had, and could end up being a handicap for you instead of being your strength. That worry shapes a lot of decisions that your mother and I keep making, including the way we seek to live our lives a few notches below our monetary capability. It also shapes, among other factors, how we think about the concept of inheritance. We are very clear, Anna, that while ensuring your education and basic comfort, we will use most of the wealth that god blesses us with, to drive various causes impacting the less privileged. This is why we have a very active program for making sure that we keep doing a lot with the wealth that’s created, on an on-going basis though wonderful organizations like the Akanksha Foundation schools in Mumbai and Pune, The Research Society for the Care, Treatment and Training of Children in Need of Special Care, the Jai Vakeel School for the Mentally Challenged, GiveIndia, the YMCA Boys’ Home and Vocational Training Centre in Andheri, and the Tata Medical Centre and Cancer Patients Aid Association in Kolkata.

Giving as a way of life and a path to happiness is something we would wish for you to eventually adopt. I have seen too much conflict arising out of money. There is a sense of entitlement that arises among inheritors that often distorts their relationships with their parents and siblings and wrecks families. That wealth also creates the illusion that there is no need to push yourself since you know your parents have made enough for you. I’ve seen this in large business families, and even with friends.

The reason we want you to be a giving person is not because you will see it publicly acknowledged, but because you will feel that it’s the right thing for you.

My dear Anna, I have said a lot, but I realize how small we all are in front of God’s bigger picture and how little is really within our control. So, let me end by first thanking God for blessing me with you. I love you very dearly and everything I have said is because of that love which makes me want everything for you. I would like to bless you from the bottom of my heart with all my prayers, hope that you find true and lasting happiness in your life, and bring great joy to everyone around you.

With lots of love and best wishes,
Your Dada

Capt. Gopinath

t is hard not to be touched by Capt. Gopinath’s restless, infectious energy, his seemingly endless optimism, and his sheer positivity.

Over my years as a business journalist, I have followed his life through the pages of newspapers, admired his courage and determination to tread where most men with an eye on the balance sheet would never dare step, and blessed him for making air travel less of a luxury for us, mere mortals. But for Air Deccan, air travel would have continued to be out of bounds for the bulk of India’s population.

I met Capt. Gopinath in the chic lounge of a five-star hotel at a stone’s throw away from Mumbai’s international airport, one late evening last year. It was one of those sweltering evenings in the city and while I, anxious that I would be late, arrived before time, he was caught in traffic in south Mumbai. In the forty-five minutes that I waited, I realized what it is that has made him a much-respected and admired figure in India and, indeed, elsewhere in the world.