Let It Burn (47 page)

“My mama lied. Cancer was killing her for half my life. The boys knew. Daddy knew. Sadie and Maisie knew. I hated them for a while because they lied for her; their mama is a nurse and got close to mine while she did treatments. They didn’t know I was the only fucking soul in town who didn’t know. Oh I’m sure other people didn’t know but...we were close, me and my mama. I thought...she could have told me and gave me time to prepare. To know I was losing her. Instead I found out weeks before she was gone. They said it was to protect me,” I laughed harshly and Cage shifted closer, hand dropping to my thigh, his head dipping to kiss my shoulder.

“Then my daddy. For about half of the time my mama was dying, he was building a new life. He loved her so much, but somehow he knew the battle she fought wouldn’t matter. He knew she was using borrowed time. New wife, new job, new city, new home. He left two days after we buried her. Told me I was so much like her, looked too much like her for him to be able to stay anymore. Years...for years he stood and held her hand then went home to another woman.” Now he moved into me, tugging my side into his chest and pressing his mouth to my ear.

“I’m so sorry baby. If I met your father, I might kill him. Marriage, it means something when you say those vows. Through sickness and health. It matters. When you raise children you owe them better than that. He’s a coward.” I moved into him, needing the strength he was offering, knowing there was still more to admit. So much more.

“It came out of nowhere. I graduated and within a month, mama was gone, daddy was gone, I was engaged, then all alone. The boys were with Tucker when he joined the army. More lies. I never knew they wanted that, but they wanted out of this town. Even if just to get away from losing mom. Tucker...never once did he say the army was something he might consider. He put a ring on my finger, asked me in front of all our families and friends. He knew I had to say yes. Even though by then, we both knew....” Cage went stiff and I knew it must hurt him to hear me talk about my past. One he didn’t fully understand. Because of my own lies.

“Did you not want to say yes?” The small flicker of hope in his voice broke my heart; he had no idea.

“No. I... didn’t have a choice then...Tucker....I loved him. So much. He was my best friend,” Cage shifted away a little so I twisted to face him in the warm sunlight, “baby look at me. No one knows my truths. Not all of them. Because my truths are tangled up with Trucker's. I couldn’t.... even after....” Cage watched me, sadness darkening his lovely eyes before he looked away.

“You feel guilty for living when he doesn’t get to.” His eyes were on the water and I knew he thought Tucker was a ghost he had to fight.

“Yes. Not guilty enough not to live though. Before he died, he sent me a letter; I opened it last night finally. It’s not just for me; it’s for Cash and Colton, for his family. His truth. Tucker joined the army to get out of this god damned town, and to take me with. Once he got out, he got to live his truth a little. Taking me with might have happened one day, but we never would have had the wedding this entire town was waiting on.” My breath was tight in my chest and my heart pounded. I was going to be free finally.

“Why? You loved him...he clearly loved you.” Tears were thick in his eyes and I hated hurting him, but knew he had to know it all.

“Oh, baby I did love him. I loved Tucker for half my life. Look at me, baby,” Cage swiped away tears with his thumbs, “not like this. Nothing like this, Cage.”

“It kills me you wanted to marry someone else before me.” I laughed, moving to touch my forehead to his, my lips to his, my hands cradling his jaw.

“Cage....I was never going to marry Tucker. He was not the great love of my life. Not my forever. Tucker did not love me the way you do. He could never. Not just because he was not my forever, like you are. Not because I could never love him the way I love you. Because....I could never be what he needed me to be. He lied to himself, to me, to the entire fucking town for years. I always wondered. He did not touch me like he wanted me. Just like he thought he should,” Once I realized that I resented him but not anymore.

“Tucker could never touch me and set me on fire the way you do. Look at me and make me want him. I loved him like you love Gigi or Regan or Tegan. Maybe even Finn. He loved me like Colton and Cash love me. Tucker fell in love fast with a sweet, handsome, and
very out
man he met at boot camp,” Cage’s eyes were still wet, and it was not lost on me I had told him I loved him, and not the way I had always thought I might.

“We were always meant to be just long enough to get him through his life here. To send him out into the world so he could find his truth. So he could be who he was always meant to be. He couldn’t here, this town...they would never accept it. Tucker told me to go to the city, to let someone love me like he never could. To love them more than I ever tried to love him, which was never enough.” Cage closed his eyes when spoke next, voice husky, hands threading through my hair.

“Say it again. Say it right. Tell me the words, Sugar. I need them.”

“I love you, Cage. I love you more than enough. I can run but it will always be there. Tucker was never my ghost. I mourned him long enough. I love you, Cage Cooper. The lies...I can’t...they all fucking lied to me. Lies where my ghosts. I can’t do it...” I was in the sand, pinned by the delicious weight of him as he slammed into me, shutting me up. My arms wound about his broad shoulders and I opened my mouth to his.

Cage kissed me hard and hungry, his hips settling him against me. His large hands dug into the sand beside my head, locking me into his arms. Our tongues met and twisted, fighting for dominance. He tasted like cinnamon and blood and I tore away, remembering his split lip. Cage groaned and drug his lips over my face, my eyes, my jaw, down my throat, up to my ear.

When my fingers yanked at his thick hair, my body shoving back into the sand, he lifted. The beautiful light of hope and love and need burned in his eyes and set me on fire. I could burn up with him and I thought maybe we could survive it.

“I love you baby. So fucking much. Tell me what I need to do. I can’t lose you, Sugar. I can’t.” Then he drug his busted lip over my mouth gently, both of us crying gently.

“Make me understand. Tell me all your truths. Make me trust you again. Make me give you all my truths.” I had none left, not really, but I knew I had a part in this too. He lied because of fear, afraid I would run because I had been so guarded with just how much I loved him.

“Anything. Anything for you, Charli. For us. I need you. I need this. I wasn’t alive before you and I can’t go back to that,” “He sat up on his knees and I missed the warmth of him, “I didn’t like who I was before you.” Cage sighed and drug his mouth over mine before sitting up in the sand.

“I need to know all your pieces, Cage.”

“Time for my truths, huh?” Cage sank back into the sand beside me, leaving me cold and anxious.

Could I love him despite whatever truths he needed to tell me?

My face hurt and my ribs ached. Still I felt fucking amazing. Charli loved me. Was in love with me, and it sounded like I could fix my fuck up. Her truths had shocked me. That her entire family lied to her about something as serious as her mom’s illness made me sick. The truth that changed everything was the one about her fiancé. A man who she loved, but had never been in love with. Who she had said never was in love with her.

I found that hard to believe until she explained why. That she had to mourn him for so long just to keep this fucking tiny town happy was ridiculous. Now that I knew the truth, that the wedding they had waited for never would have happened, it pissed me off more. Thrilled me that the ring she had worn, another man’s ring, had meant nothing at all.

Now it was my time to tell the truth about everything. About who I had been just months before, who I had been afraid of being forever. Until I found her. I had to explain why I thought lying was my only option. Had to explain to her how I had panicked these last weeks and nearly fucked my entire life up.

Because if I lost her, if she kept running, my life would never be the same. I would do whatever it took. Beg, grovel, anything to make her loving me enough. Because right now, her love was everything to me.

“You know a few hours after I graduated, my high school sweetheart dumped me. I took it hard even though I didn’t love her. We made sense and she knew I wanted to be a fire fighter; she wanted to be an EMT. I never thought about forever or anything. Still it hurt; it hurt more that she lied to me about every single fucking thing she was. Two weeks later she had fucked her way through all our friends. Didn’t matter, but it made me feel worthless. We slept together once, prom night and never again after. I thought I did something wrong, you know,” I laughed harshly at the memory because I had sure worked to make sure I perfected my technique after her, “I thought, well she’s fucking everyone else, must be me, right?” Charli slid close to my side, putting her head at my shoulder and bringing my hand to her mouth. Slowly, gently, she opened it from the fist I had it in, kissing each fingertip.

“I just went right into volunteering at the station. I didn’t really have to, because of Pop, but I wanted to earn my spot. Finn never had any aspirations, so he went along with me and ended up loving it. He’s a good fucking fire fighter. It was ages before I even looked at another girl. I was busy and I had this monkey on my back, you know,” Charli kissed at my neck and I had to control the need to throw her down into the sand, “after the first big fire we got to actually fight, we ended up at O’Malley’s. Ariel’s a few years old than us. Experienced, you know. I didn’t know shit about the badge bunnies.” Charli kept kissing at my skin and I had to stop.

“There are a lot of them there. They look so sad, but I can see how easy it would be to...want them.” I slid my arm about her shoulders and brought her close, needing to feel her.

“I wanted to feel like a man, you know? Ariel pursued me at first. Hot new badge boys, she called me and Finn. I found out later she offered to tag team us both. If I had known then, I doubt I would have ever touched her. Then again, I was thinking with my dick so much back then. Anyway, I was so nervous, she thought it was funny. Actually laughed at me. So I thought I had something to prove. Went home with her and fucked her for hours. She let me do anything I wanted to her. Shit I didn’t know people really did, you know? I thought it meant something else.” I was ashamed to admit I had been so foolish, I thought someone like Ariel wanting me meant I was worth something.

“I was infatuated. I was so fucking stupid. She was fucking a different guy every night. Then one night, it was Finn. He took her home, and I saw her leaving. I lost my shit; we almost got into a fight over it. Over her,” I spit it out in disgust, “over some filthy whore who knew just what she was doing. Finn thought I knew what she was about. I think he fucked her on purpose, so I could finally see it. He says otherwise, but I think it always pissed me off.” Charli was quiet so I looked down to see her listening; no disgust was on her face, no revulsion, just sadness. I dropped a kiss at her full mouth, my lip stinging when she slipped her tongue into my mouth, kissing back.

“I love you,” I couldn’t say it enough and she smiled that sexy smile and said it back, “fuck I love you. I love when you say it.” Charli slipped her thumb over my lips as she watched me in the sunlight.

“I love you. Continue, baby.” The river rushing close by almost drowned out her soft words, but the air caught them and I sighed. She loved me.

“I thought shit like that, that it mattered, you know? Before then, I didn’t fuck without emotion. It was supposed to mean something. After that,” I sighed and winced, “I thought maybe I had been wrong. I hated the way Finn fucked his way through those pubs though. It was disgusting. My parents raised me right, but I was young. My rules started after I fucked some girl, trying to make myself feel good about Ariel. I felt like a piece of shit after. So I made the rules. No kissing, no names while we fucked, no more than four times if we fucked. I let them suck my cock or I got them off, but nothing more. My numbers, those were real, Charli.”

I kept track of every girl I fucked, every pussy I touched, every mouth that wrapped around my cock. I never did anything without a condom, even sometimes made them use flavored condoms when they gave me head.

The rules didn’t make me feel any less worthless when I fucked a girl and didn’t speak to her the next time I saw her. I thought I was making up for something. Really, I was just chasing something I was never going to find there. It was always going to be Charli, but I could not have known that then.

“Why keep track of that, Cage? What do the numbers matter if you’re fucking for no reason?” Still she stayed close, lips at my neck again, driving me crazy and proving she still responded to me the same. My hand shoved between her thick thighs, wishing hadn’t changed into jeans. I loved her in leggings, and knew I could feel how wet her pussy was for me if she had kept them on.

“Because I didn’t want to be like Finn or Blake. I didn’t want to be like that at all, but I felt worthless, baby. For an hour or two, however long it took me to get off, I didn’t feel so worthless. Those women wanting me, wanting my body at least, made me feel good for awhile. I didn’t even have to fuck them to feel good for awhile. I could let them suck my cock and it was enough,” I couldn’t believe I had ever felt like that could be enough. 

“The last few months, that’s all it was. I might finger some broad long enough to get her on her knees. I never took them home, so a lot of it was at that fucking bar. That’s why I didn’t want to go there. Not to hide you from anyone, Charli. To hide my past from you. It makes me sick to think of who I was. Not that long ago, even. The last girl I slept with just wouldn’t quit and I was drunk, lonely. Before her it was months before I was with anyone. Then you came into my life and... everything meant something.” Charli snuggled into my side when I smiled, thinking about how much she had changed my life.

“Do you mean I just happen to be a good fuck?” There was no accusation, just questions, a little pain in her voice. 

“Abso-fucking-lutely not. You...you are fucking everything. Touching you,” She cried out when my hands cupped her pussy, my palm grinding into her clit, “makes me feel alive. I just want to make you feel good; hear that noise you make when I make you come. Charli I love fucking you. It’s like fucking heaven being inside this pussy,” I ground my hand again then sobered.

“But, baby.... I fucking love you. You make me feel like I’m worth something. Like I matter to you; the way you look at me makes me feel so god damn good. I thought I had my job and that was enough. I was good at that. It wasn’t enough, but it was something. Then you came into my life. I thought: I can be good with her too. I can make you laugh and cook for you and make you want me, only me.” My voice thickened because I couldn’t think about her wanting someone else.

“The others.... they wanted someone else. Always someone else. You think I could want someone else? You thought I did before you. Enough to wear his ring.” I closed my eyes because knowing she had said yes to marrying him, even if it was never what it should have been, killed me.

“Yeah. I mean...All the women before you proved how worthless I was. You are so fucking beautiful and smart, and so fucking good. You have dreams and things you want and I wanted to be part of that. I wanted you for you, Charli. I didn’t think...I didn’t know what I had to give you besides making you want me. Until you wanted someone else.” My eyes closed as tears slid from them; it was pathetic but it was all true.

“Oh, baby,” Charli was moving, scrambling into my lap, hands holding my face, “you look at me.” She made a small sound when she saw my tears, kissing at my closed lids so gently I barely felt it.

“Yeah, baby?” I cleared my throat of the heavy weight of tears, of sadness, of worthlessness and peered up into her beautiful eyes.

Charli looked at me like no one else ever had. Not even my family. Like I was something, someone; someone who mattered to her, who was worth something. It was why I had first wanted her. That first day, she looked at me with a shy smile and eyes that were full of questions. That meant she wanted to know about me, that it might matter to her.

It was intoxicating but I knew what a piece of shit I was. How could someone like her, so classy and smart, want a reckless, worthless man like me? Loving Charli brought me to life, filled up all those cracks that everyone before her had left in me. Deep wounds of doubt and fear and disgust.

“You are one of--no the most amazing man I have ever met. You are sweet and loving and brave and so good it’s almost impossible. I would always want you. I would always think you are worth everything. You soothed me, all the ragged pieces that everyone else left to heal on my own. Piece by piece you put me back together. I love you, Cage. You hurt me and I need to get right with how you feel about Ariel...” I frowned and grabbed at her wrists, yanking her close, one hand tangling roughly in her hair.

“I feel
nothing
for her. Not even hate. Not a fucking thing. You said that in your Dear Cage letter; something about me using you for Ariel. Jesus, fuck Charli how could you ever think something so stupid? I have been in love with you from the beginning. I was waiting for you my whole life. You are the most important thing in my fucking life. I don’t know how you can doubt that.” Of course I did, I realized; I lied to her about a woman from my past, of course she had doubts.

“I just thought.... you lied to me about her. I thought maybe you two had...” I was kissing her, twisting on the sand to pin her into it, my hands shoving at her t-shirt.

“Shut up. I lied because I was ashamed. Disgusted someone like Ariel was ever in my life. I was not pining for her, Sugar. That woman, and all the ones after her, made me feel
nothing
. Nothing but worthless. You...you make me feel fucking everything. I felt like I woke up the minute I saw you that first day.” Charli rocked against me, urging me on as my hands slid up her ribs, finding her without a bra. I growled, my hands cupping her full tits, both of us moaning.

“Oh...Cage. Wait. Don’t touch me,” Her eyes went wide when I tore away, her hands yanking me back, “no stop. I mean just wait. I need to know everything before...” I dropped back against her, though her words still stung me.

“I’m sorry. I just...I can’t control myself. I want to show you how I feel about you. I feel like I can fuck you good enough to show you that you are all that makes me feel alive. That makes me feel anything. It’s not enough right now. I know.” Charli moaned and arched her back, her tits filling my hands again. My thumbs flicked at the hard nubs and she gasped.

“I love your fucking hands on me,” She bit at her lip when my hands palmed her perfect tits, “I can’t think straight. I need you to tell me more.” I nodded even as I pressed my hard cock rough against her pussy.

“Mmm, yeah I know baby. Fuck you feel so good. I love you. I love your body. Your tits are fucking amazing,” I laughed, remembering that first night, “I was so obsessed with your tits that first night. How did you let me just feel you up? My dirty girl.” Charli laughed too, peering up at me with frothy gray eyes, her hips rocking her heat against my hardness.

“Surprised I waited so long, actually. Now shut up. Come here. We aren’t done talking yet.” Smiling, I dipped to obey her command, thrusting my hips against her.

“I know, Sugar. Can I talk and make you come at the same time?” Charli shook her head, squirming in the sand, her knees shoving at my hips.

“Probably. You could talk to make me come,” She giggled and I watched because it was so fucking beautiful, “you talk so dirty. No wait. Stop.” Charli shot up on her elbows, her honey brown eyebrow shooting up.

It was quiet for a moment before we heard voices that sent both of us scrambling to our feet. I groaned and shoved my dick down, shooting her a look when she laughed, making a cute face. That made it better. Until she pressed back against me, making a show of hiding my rock hard cock with her plump ass.

Then she shimmied just a little, tormenting me with that sweet ass. I slapped her backside and she yelped, laughing out loud, rubbing away the sting. I brought her close and buried my face in her neck, breathing deep. Citrus and Sugar and the crisp scent of the river. I crushed her to me, kissing at her neck, rocking my dick against her ass. Charli moaned softly and then began breaking away.