Letting Go (12 page)

Kate kissed Laura’s forehead gently. “Laura,” she 109

whispered. “I’m in love with you.”

Laura closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to overwhelm her, and with difficulty stifled the sobs that rose to her throat. With her heart pounding in a confusion of happiness and trepidation, she replied in a barely audible whisper, “I now, baby, I know.”

They spent Thursday night together too, as originally scheduled, and made further plans to spend most of the weekend together. Laura had already arranged to have a dinner party at her place for a group of friends on Friday. She thought seriously about inviting Kate along too. One of the little things Laura disliked about being single was the aftermath of dinner parties. It used to be so nice to sit down after everyone left and share a coffee with someone else discussing the events of the evening, then clean up together before going to bed. It was more fun. But she had to fight her inclination to share everything with Kate. She needed to maintain her independence, and certainly not appear as a couple. Laura was grateful when Friday night arrived. It had been a busy week at work, and spending two nights with Kate, and getting little sleep, had increased her fatigue. Not that she was complaining. She was looking forward to dinner.

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Chapter Ten

It was a cold and windy night, and heavy rain pelted against Laura’s balcony doors. It was warm and cozy inside Laura’s apartment, and her friends were all seated at the dining table, in the soft light of a few lamps and candles on the sideboard. Earthy, sensual jazz blues could just be heard, under the lively conversation of the group. Laura was setting down a platter of bruschetta on the table, while Jude opened a bottle of red wine, when Megan asked, “Are you still seeing Kelly Johannson, Laura?”

Jude sighed loudly, and raised her eyes to heaven.

“Yes…very casually.” Laura glanced at Jude and smiled at her predictable reaction to the mention of Kelly’s name.

“It’s been a few months now hasn’t it, since you began seeing her?” asked Sue. “That’s quite an innings for Kelly, 111

from what I’ve heard.”

“Well I don’t blame you,” said Vicki. “I’ve always thought that Kelly was attractive.”

Her partner Megan scowled. “I’d better watch out, I think, you’re just Kelly’s type!” They all laughed at Megan’s feigned concern, as Megan and Vicki were devoted to each other.

Just then Jude dropped her knife onto her plate, and at the sound of the loud clatter, they all turned and looked at her. She was looking rather tight-lipped and sullen.

“What’s the matter, Jude?” asked Kaye.

There was a moment’s silence, then Laura answered for her, “Jude’s shitty with me about this whole Kelly thing, that’s all. She thinks I’m doing the wrong thing.”

“Why, Jude? What’s the problem?” asked Vicki.

Jude remained silent and looked at Laura, obviously expecting her to tell the whole story.

Laura sighed in resignation. “Well, apart from Jude’s unreasonable contempt for Kelly,” she said with a glare at Jude, “there’s another side to the story.” Laura was suddenly relieved that she hadn’t invited Kate tonight. She was rather glad of the opportunity to get her friends’ opinions about the situation with Kate. She was sure they’d agree with her decision to keep a tight rein on things. While the rest of them crunched into their tomato and basil bruschetta, Laura told them about Kate.

They listened attentively, then Kaye asked, “I’m confused. How does Kelly fit into all of this?”

“Well, I’m still seeing her because I don’t want to get too involved with Kate,” Laura answered as casually as she could.

“Jesus! You must be exhausted!” Sue exclaimed. 112

This was followed by a loud groan from Jude and giggles from the others. Laura then got up from the table and went into the kitchen to add cream to the mushroom sauce. Being open-plan, the living and dining areas were in Laura’s full view, and while she stirred the sauce, the conversation continued.

“You should see them together for Christ’s sake,” said Jude. “They look like they’re both madly in love to me.”

Laura snapped, “Oh come on, Jude, you’re making a lot of assumptions here.”

“Okay, you tell me that Kate isn’t in love with you,” she challenged. Laura looked away, and declined to answer. Megan seemed puzzled. “Why are you trying to stop yourself becoming involved with her, Laura?”

Laura gave the other sauce, Amatriciana, a final stir and tasted it for chili. Satisfied, she began spooning it over a big plate of steaming fettuccine. Vicki was on the other side of the bench, cutting up crusty bread. “Because, Megan, she’s so young, and because I’m her first real lover, and because it wouldn’t have a hope of lasting. If I let things develop, there’d be no half measures for me with Kate, and I don’t want to invest my heart and soul in a relationship that I believe is doomed to fail.”

Jude shook her head, looking at Megan. “Couldn’t you just kill her?” she murmured, as she got up to open another bottle of wine.

Laura spooned the creamy mushroom sauce over the tortellini, and took both plates of pasta to the table, to squeals of delight from her guests. Sue had been tossing the salad in the kitchen and now placed it in the center of the table.

Everyone began serving themselves, then Sue asked, 113

“How young is she?”

“She’s only twenty-three,” Laura replied.

“Shit!” exclaimed Megan.

“So you can see why I’m being so cautious,” said Laura.

“No, not necessarily, it depends what she’s like,”

suggested Vicki.

Laura smiled. “She’s utterly gorgeous. She’s very bright, and she paints pictures in her spare time. I have to admit that I’m constantly surprised at how much we have in common given the difference in our ages.” She paused and held her glass out to Jude for more wine. “She seems mature for her age.”

“Christ, what’s wrong with her then?” asked Kaye. Laura ate some pasta, which was growing cold on her plate, then grinned at Kaye. I just think she’s too young to make a serious long-term commitment to anyone. And I’m not prepared to get involved with someone who I believe won’t be staying around.”

“That makes sense,” said Sue, nodding in agreement.

“I don’t know about that, sweetheart,” said Kaye. “When we got together six years ago, we didn’t know if it would last. Who ever knows that?”

Megan had been watching Laura thoughtfully. She had been Laura’s friend for over ten years. “There’s something I think I’ve missed here, Laura. You’ve made your reservations quite clear, and they sound logical enough,” she said, “but I’m wondering how you actually
feel
about her.”

Laura looked at her hands, rotating the ring on her finger. “Megan, if I’m not very careful, I’ll fall hopelessly in love with her. I’m just managing to keep some control of myself. But it’s terribly difficult. When I don’t see her, I miss her dreadfully, and when I’m with her, it’s a constant 114

battle to keep myself together.” Laura paused and everyone was quiet, waiting for her to continue. She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. “After less than a week, after spending only three nights with her, she’s told me she’s in love with me. It’s all just running away from me. It’s all too fast and it’s all too much.” Laura picked up her glass and drank deeply. Megan asked gently, “How long did it take you to fall in love with Alex?”

Laura glanced away, murmuring, “That was different.”

Jude topped up Laura’s glass. “Don’t forget, darl, Kate’s been seriously attracted to you for a long time. It’s not a sudden thing for her. It’s obviously not a mere infatuation.”

Sue asked, “So you’re the first woman she’s ever had sex with, did you say?”

Kaye giggled. “So is she a fast learner?”

Laura smiled, and her cheeks colored slightly. “Oh yes, very fast.” She got up from the table then, and began to clear the plates for dessert.

Jude helped her carry them out to the kitchen. She gave Laura a hug. “I’ve said this before, Laura, but I reckon you’re already in love with her, and you should stop fighting it.”

Laura returned to the table with the cake, while she and Kaye put out plates and coffee cups.

Sue said, “Well, I think Laura’s being very sensible. This Kate sounds very nice and everything, but at only twentythree, she’s a bit young to be sure of what she wants. Laura could end up in a terrible mess.

Jude intervened from the kitchen where she was grinding beans. “For Christ’s sake, Sue! Laura was only twenty-three when she fell in love with Alex, and I have no doubt that if Alex hadn’t died, she’d still be in love with her.”

Vicki said, “Laura, it seems to me that you’ve been going 115

to an awful lot of trouble to protect yourself from being hurt, but isn’t it hurting you now, holding back like this? Why not let go?”

Kaye had just got up and changed the music. K.D. Lang’s “Constant Craving” began to fill the room. Kaye’s eyes were sparkling with amusement. “What’s this?” Laura asked her with irony, “you’re setting my life to music now?”

Everyone laughed. Laura went to the sideboard to put out the brandy and liqueurs, and Jude brought in the coffee. Responding to Vicki’s comment, Laura said, “Years ago, I would have said the same thing you’re saying now. But I feel different since Alex died. I can’t help believing that I’d lose Kate too, or anyone else for that matter.” She looked around at the faces of her friends and added, “I know it sounds stupid, but one day, life seems perfect, then the next day, it’s suddenly all over. It just seems easier to avoid it all. I never expected to love anyone again the way I loved Alex.”

She suddenly felt tears pricking at her eyes.

“It’s not stupid at all, Laura.” said Megan warmly, “We all remember very well what you went through.”

Jude said, “I think there’s a part of you that feels guilty about loving another woman besides Alex.” Laura spooned sugar into her coffee, and stirred it slowly.

“She’d want you to find that kind of love again. She’d want you to be happy,” Megan said.

Laura concentrated on her coffee cup as she fought to retain control of her emotions. She knew there was a lot of truth in her friends’ words. She’d wrapped her heart in the nurturing, precious memory of Alex and buried it when she buried her. For the past five years she’d kept this love alive as a separate part of herself that, so far, had remained undisturbed. To give herself up to Kate—give her heart to 116

her—not only exposed her again to all the inherent risks, it also felt like the ultimate betrayal of Alex.

Sue asked, “Does seeing Kelly really help you keep an emotional distance from Kate?”

Laura sipped her cognac. “To some degree. But increasingly, I’m feeling guilty about seeing her, and I’m terrified of Kate knowing.”

“Well, you know what to do about that,” said Jude vehemently. “Get rid of the bitch!” Everyone, including Laura, laughed at Jude’s furious expression, emphasized by her fist thumping the table.

The conversation and laughter continued, and since it was Friday, they all settled in for a long night. It was around two o’clock when they finally left. When Laura climbed the stairs to bed, she thought of Kate, wondered if she was asleep, and couldn’t help wishing she was here with her.

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118

Chapter Eleven

The next day Kate arrived at Laura’s apartment to spend the weekend together as planned. Because Kate shared her apartment with someone, they always preferred the privacy at Laura’s place. They spent a relaxing weekend together, reading, talking, cooking and making love.

Over the next week, they spent most of their time together, with Kate staying at Laura’s apartment far more frequently than Laura had planned. Her distraction, her protection, Kelly, was still in Cairns.

On Thursday night, after dinner, when they were seated comfortably in the living room, their conversation turned to vacation stories. Kate suddenly had an idea.

“Laura, why don’t we go away for a weekend, maybe this coming weekend,” she suggested excitedly. 119

Over the last five days, Laura had given some consideration to the encouraging comments of her friends, but she’d grown increasingly concerned about how cozy everything had become with Kate. Without Kelly around, it was very difficult to find a reason not to be with Kate. The one night she had insisted they be apart, she’d missed Kate and spent the night thinking about her anyway. Now, a weekend away together?

Then she thought, why not. Laura replied with a smile,

“Where would you like to go?”

“We could go to my Mum’s beach house if she’s not using it. It’s a great house—I’ve love you to see it. It has open fires and it’s right on the beach—you can hear the waves crashing at night…” Kate’s voice trailed off. Frowning, Laura got up from the sofa and walked across to the French doors, staring out into the darkness. Kate was looking at Laura. “Laura, what’s wrong?”

With an effort, Laura turned to her, trying to appear calm. “Nothing’s wrong, I just don’t like beach holidays, that’s all,” she replied evasively.

Kate smiled. “Everyone likes the beach. It’s beautiful there, walking along the sand with the sun sitting and everything. Besides, you live here, opposite a beach.”

“Oh, that’s completely different. This is the edge of the bay. The water’s calm, and paths are built all around the edges. There’s nothing wild about it. You’re talking about the ocean. I’d really rather go up into the country somewhere, Kate.”

She walked back to her seat beside Kate on the sofa. Laura put her arms around Kate and kissed her. “Let’s go up to Daylesford and stay in a guesthouse. It’ll be beautiful there now that autumn’s beginning.”

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Kate agreed it sounded wonderful, so they made their plans for the weekend.

Early on Saturday morning, they set off for the small country town, about an hour and a half north-west of Melbourne. It was set in beautiful rolling hills, and famous for its mineral springs. With a large population of gays and lesbians, there were plenty of gay guesthouses and hotels. They selected one of these, and spent the day walking in the nearby forest and enjoying a traditional afternoon tea in town. Later that night, after dinner, when they were in their room, replete with big brass bed, warm crackling fire and glasses of red wine, Kate asked Laura about her peculiar reaction to the idea of them staying at the beach.