Letting Go (7 page)

“What!” exclaimed Laura. “I know it was hard for her, but she’s young. She’ll forget about me quickly enough. Especially since I’ve finished it before it began. What about feeling sorry for me? Just at the moment, I’m having trouble getting her out of my mind. But I know it’d be a big mistake to get involved with her, so I’ll have to be strong about this.”

Jude said simply, “You’re just scared to let go, and you’re 61

making excuses.”

Laura felt frustrated. She’d been sure that once Jude understood how close she was to falling in love with this woman, sixteen years her junior, she would understand and agree with her reluctance to allow things to go any further. She lit a cigarette.

“Jude, how long do you think a relationship would last with her? I’m thirty-nine years old, for Christ’s sake! I don’t want to have to deal with a broken heart sometime in the next few years, because she’s met someone closer to her age, who shares more of her interests. I’m not prepared to take that kind of risk anymore. It wasn’t like this when I met Debbie. I didn’t feel like I was putting myself really on the line with her. But this attraction for Kate is so much like the way I felt when I met Alex, and you know how much I was in love with her. I couldn’t go through that kind of loss again. And I know it wouldn’t last.”

Jude smiled, tugging on her ear. “Don’t you think you’re racing ahead just a bit? What about an affair with her? Maybe it’ll develop into something more, maybe not.”

Laura drew on her cigarette and shook her head. “I know what you’re saying, Jude, but believe me, it would develop into more for me, even if not for her. I feel like for once I’m looking into a crystal ball and I’ve got the chance to bail out before things get out of control.”

Jude shrugged, and sipped her coffee. “So what are you going to do about it? You’re still going to see her at work. That’ll make it a bit hard to forget about her, won’t it?”

Laura looked down, concentrating on her hands, rotating the ring back and forth on her finger. “Well, I’m going to continue to spend time with Kelly. I’m sure she’ll help me to get Kate out of my system.” She glanced at Jude. 62

Jude sighed and looked skeptical. “If you already feel this way about Kate, I think it’s too late. The fact that you agreed to go out with her last night, knowing how dangerous your feelings were, proves to me that you can’t really resist her.”

Jude paused, looking at her.

Laura avoided Jude’s direct gaze, fiddling with her old lighter on the table.

“Wasting your time with Kelly,” Jude continued,

“when a gorgeous woman you really care for wants you, seems crazy. I can understand your reticence with the age thing, but I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. You’re imagining problems that might ever happen, when you could be having a lot of fun.

This wasn’t what Laura wanted to hear. She wanted her closest friend to tell her she was doing the wise thing. It was easy for Jude take it so lightly, she wasn’t in this position. What she was suggesting would involve taking big risks and a lot of courage. “Believe me, Jude, it’ll all work out okay,”

she murmured unconvincingly.

Tony rang her the next morning. He had just returned from his week in Sydney and while on vacation, he had procured some new business. He asked Laura to meet him at the office early on Monday morning so they could begin to work out marketing strategies for their two new clients. They would be making presentations the following week. This was good timing as far as Laura was concerned. She’d found that immersing herself in work always seemed to put other problems into perspective. Or at least, they receded comfortably into the background. She wouldn’t have much time to think about Kate.

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Kelly had spent the night with her on Sunday and the sex was as wonderful as ever. This was followed by a very busy and creative day at the office, and so by Monday night, Laura was feeling better. She’d get over this emotional hitch with Kate quickly—no problem, she decided. Although she couldn’t prevent the pervading image of Kate’s pained, tearfilled eyes coming into her mind at unexpected times. She hoped that Kate had already begun to forget about her. The rest of the week seemed to fly by as Laura and Tony worked hard together, creating some great ideas for presentation the following week. By Friday night, Laura was looking forward to relaxing with her friends. She and Jude and a few others met at The Three Sisters for dinner and planned to stay on in the bar later. It got quite crowded on Fridays and Saturdays, and was often a lot of fun. It was here, later in the evening, amidst a crowd of women, with Melissa Etheridge playing loudly in the background, that Laura bumped into Kelly.

She’d appeared out of the crowd and placed a featherlight kiss on her neck, accompanied by a sexy low growl. Laura felt a rush of lust sweep through her. Kelly stood for a while with her arm around her while they talked and flirted with each other. A few times, they’d kissed briefly. Kelly was going on to a party and then heading off for the weekend. They made plans to see each other the following week.

Jude had, of course, observed all this and looked away in disgust, but Laura was unconcerned.

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* * *

Kate had come into the café at around nine. She passed close by Laura’s table as she headed toward he bar, but Laura was engrossed in a conversation and didn’t notice her. Kate couldn’t relax. She kept looking over at Laura. The past week had been extremely difficult for her. She’d thought of a hundred ways to approach Laura and a hundred things to say, but she had no confidence that there was anything she could do. Laura seemed to have made up her mind and she was obviously strong-willed.

Laura was standing near the bar when a tall blonde woman dressed in black leather pants and a red and white striped shirt came over and put her arm around Laura, kissing her.

Shocked, Kate stood there watching this scene with Laura and the other woman. Who was she? Kate wondered. Laura had told her she wasn’t involved with anyone. But maybe now she was?

Kate’s fists were clenched and her heart was pounding. She felt like screaming. At last the other woman left. At least Laura wasn’t leaving with her, she thought. Maybe she’s just a friend fooling around, Kate imagined hopefully. Still, it looked suspiciously like a lot more than that. She’d thought that a night out would do her good, but she felt desolate and decided to leave. She didn’t want to go home, but she couldn’t stay there any longer, looking at Laura yet forbidden to speak to her or touch her. She drove around for a while, found a café, had a coffee, and then after a couple of hours, resolved what she would do. 65

* * *

Laura arrived home about eleven thirty. She’d enjoyed the evening but didn’t want to spoil it by staying out too late after such a hard week at work. She put on some music. The relaxing strains of Chopin’s Piano Concertos sounded good after the thumping disco music at the bar. Then she had a hot shower, preparing for bed. She was just getting a glass of water when her intercom buzzed. Who on earth could that be? she thought as she went to answer it, it couldn’t be Kelly.

Her heart skipped a beat when she heard, “It’s Kate, Laura. I’ve got to see you.”

Laura felt flustered. She’d just managed to convince herself this week that this problem would go away. She answered gently, “Kate, you know the situation. We agreed to not see each other for a while.”

Kate responded firmly, “No, Laura. You said we shouldn’t see each other. I didn’t agree.”

Laura was now feeling anxious. “Please go home, Kate. I’m sorry I can’t invite you in. It’s for the best, believe me.”

But Kate evidently had nothing to lose and everything to gain and was clearly going to hold her ground. “Laura,”

she said, her voice tight with anger, “if you don’t let me in now, I’ll stay down here all night pressing this buzzer. I mean it.”

Laura could hear that Kate did indeed mean it. She thought half-heartedly that maybe she could talk some sense into Kate. She pressed the button releasing the security door. She then opened her apartment door, waiting for Kate to come up the stairs.

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Laura felt a tug at her heart when Kate appeared the doorway. Her hair was braided, and Laura thought it looked gorgeous like that. Her skin was radiant, and there was a determined fire in her eyes that made Laura feel nervous, yet also made her want to sweep Kate into her arms and kiss her.

Kate looked at her and Laura felt conscious of her state of near undress. She tightened the belt on her silk robe. Laura drew her eyes away from Kate’s intense gaze and headed toward the kitchen.

“Would you like a coffee?” she called over her shoulder, trying to hide her nervousness.

“Yes, please.” Kate closed the door and followed her in. Laura was rapidly thinking of what to say as she set about filling the espresso machine and placing cups on the dividing bench, when Kate suddenly blurted out, “Who was the woman at the bar?”

Laura nearly dropped the sugar bowl. She realized instantly that Kate had been at Sisters and seen Kelly. “You were at the bar? Why didn’t you come and say hello?” This was, of course, an unfair question. Laura would have nearly died if Kate had done that.

“You looked pretty busy to me,” Kate said bitterly. “You told me that there wasn’t anyone in your life at the moment, and you wanted to keep it that way. Was she just a friend?”

Laura was naturally honest and in any case, she had too much regard for Kate to lie. “No, Kate, Kelly is more than a friend. But I’m not actually involved with her—not emotionally anyway. You know the sort of thing.”

But Kate clearly didn’t know. “What do you mean?” she asked.

Laura looked at Kate’s open, innocent expression. For 67

the first time, her purely sexual liaison with Kelly seemed a bit tacky. She felt oddly ashamed to have to explain it.

“Look, Kelly and I are physically attracted to each other, that’s all. Neither of us wants a relationship at the moment; we don’t have those kinds of feelings for each other. It’s very casual, no strings…you know.”

Kate gaped at her as if she couldn’t believe that Laura would rather sleep with a woman she didn’t care for than with her. She was silent for a few minutes, struggling, no doubt, with images of Laura and that woman together. Laura had prepared the coffee and had everything on a tray on the bench to take into the living room. She squeezed past Kate, who was blocking the opening between the kitchen and the living room.

Kate had been studying the floor and when she looked up, her eyes were filled with tears. Laura couldn’t bear it. Instinctively, she put her arms round Kate and held her close.

“I’m so sorry, Kate,” she whispered. “Why can’t it be me?” Kate’s voice was thick with emotion.

Laura closed her eyes.
Oh God, help me,
she prayed silently. “Because you’re too special, Kate,” she replied inadequately. “I couldn’t be that way with you.”

Kate’s arms were around her tightly, her face resting on Laura’s shoulder. “It’s because you think I’m a child. You think I’m not mature enough for you.”

Laura was acutely aware of the strength, the softness and the desirability of the woman in her arms, and she said emphatically, “I think you’re way too young for me, but I certainly don’t think you’re a child.”

Suddenly Kate kissed her. It was an urgent kiss, and Laura’s mind went blank. All she was aware of was an 68

overwhelming, utterly irresistible desire. She was falling helplessly out of control. Her heart was pounding, and the ache in her body was almost painful. Her compassion for Kate had taken her across the line, past the point of no return. Her arms tightened around Kate, and she returned the kiss deeply and passionately. Minutes passed, then Laura gently drew herself away from Kate’s hungry mouth. She looked at Kate for a moment, and without a word, she took her hand and led her upstairs to the bedroom. Maybe later, Laura thought vaguely, she’d be able to find a way to keep this relationship under control.

Laura drew Kate down onto the bed, lying beside her, leaning up on one elbow. She looked at Kate and traced a finger along her cheek and down her neck. She leaned down and kissed Kate’s face all over, sensuously with the lightest delicate touches of her tongue. Kate reached up and slid Laura’s robe off her shoulder, revealing one breast. Kate made a tiny inarticulate sound as she drew her fingers along her shoulder, down to her breast in a featherlight caress. “I don’t know what to do.”

Laura kissed her, then leaned back a little and smiled.

“Oh, I think you do,” she said in a low husky voice.

“I really don’t know, Laura…I haven’t done this before.”

Laura was completely taken aback. Kate had never mentioned a past relationship or affair, but Laura had assumed that even at her tender age she would have had some experience. She openly led a lesbian lifestyle and seemed to have many lesbian friends. If it hadn’t been Kate there with her, for whom she felt so much, Laura would have gotten up and politely suggested she go and do her experimenting elsewhere.

As it was, Kate’s sweetness and vulnerability tore at her 69

heart. She looked into Kate’s liquid brown eyes and felt a hot, weakening rush of desire for her. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “You don’t have to do anything, baby.”

She unbuttoned Kate’s shirt and admired Kate’s full, firm breasts. She took one small pink nipple into her mouth and teased it with her tongue, making Kate writhe with pleasure. She then removed Kate’s jeans and panties and, slipping off her robe, she lowered herself onto Kate’s body, to feel all of her against her skin. Breast to breast, thigh to thigh, their mounds of soft dark hair pressed together. Their breathing was fast, their hearts pounding and their soft moans were only suppressed by their long slow kisses.

Kate had never felt this way in her life. She could hardly believe these exquisite sensations. Laura moved her lips from Kate’s mouth to trace around one erect nipple, circling it with her tongue, then the other, exploring and tasting. With a tiny cry, Kate moved under Laura. She felt a sudden painful rush desire and her wetness increased.

“Oh, Laura…” she breathed. Laura reached down with one hand and stroked the silky skin on the inside of Kate’s thighs. Kate was in agony. She needed Laura’s more intimate touch. She couldn’t wait any longer. She moved her hips in invitation. Laura planted kisses down across her stomach, tiny electrifying strokes of her tongue. Then her mouth found the silky wet place Kate was aching for her to taste. Kate gasped, arching her hips as Laura’s stroking sent her into a fever.