“I don’t know,” I tell her honestly.
“What happened? Is it Lily?”
“No. That’s just it. She’s perfect. It’s nothing. There is no reason for me to feel like this. Well, no
new
reason.”
“So what happened?”
“I was happy. I was fucking soaring, Alana. I fell for her so hard and it felt
good
. It felt real. I looked at her and I saw a version of me I could tolerate reflected back. But then, she wasn’t there and I was playing with the band and it just … I can’t give her anything. How do I fit into her picture perfect world? Just imagine. Her parents would probably take her out of school if they met me.”
“Maybe they’re not like everyone else.
She
wasn’t.”
I shake my head and order a beer. I have to walk back and I don’t want to be out of my fucking head. Besides, I told Lily I’d see her tonight.
“She’s a fucking enigma. But she isn’t a representation of the world. Percentages dictate-”
“Percentages don’t mean a fucking thing,” Alana says. “You tell yourself these things so you can hide when it gets too fucking hard. You tell yourself you deserve to be treated like shit, so that when you are, it hurts a little less. But without the pain, you’ll never find what’s worth staying alive for. And Jesus. I just need to know you found something.”
“What the fuck is worth it?” I demand.
“I don’t know. But I keep going. Dave kept going. Your grandmother kept fucking going. And it’s bullshit that you think you have the goddamn right to leave us behind to pick up the fucking pieces.”
I don’t respond. How can I?
“Look, Jack, I dropped everything tonight to come here. But for what? If you want to sink into this fucking place, you’re going to sink and I can’t stop you. I can call Lily. I can go to her and ask her to fix you. But next week, next month, next year, maybe things won’t work out. And then what? Are you going to put your fucking life in her hands? Or in mine? Because we’re just two people. If
you
don’t love you, it means nothing for either of us to.”
“She doesn’t love me.”
“You haven’t even given her a chance. You quit before you even got started. Like you always do. But hell. I’ll always be standing around, waiting to pick up the mess.”
I can’t believe how much it hurts. I’m not angry at her. Everything she says is true. It doesn’t lighten the heaviness over me. In fact, it just adds to my burden, but she’s still right. I reach out and take her hands. She looks up at me, her sad eyes sadder than I’ve ever seen them.
“I love you,” she says. “If you were gone, it would leave me with nothing. No one ever cares about leaving me. You have your shit, I know, but please, stop thinking about leaving me, Jack. I can’t survive it. I can’t get that fucking call. If you’re gonna do it, you better pick up the fucking phone and tell me where. Because you need to take me with you.”
I get off the stool and take her by the hand out into the alley. Holding her against me, I sob into her hair. “I can’t take you there,” I tell her.
“Well, I can’t live without you.”
Alana is putting something on me no one ever has. Obligation. I’ve never been indebted to another person. I don’t even know how to owe another person a part of me. But I will fucking die before I will let her hurt like this. The thought makes me chuckle in its irony and she looks at me, rage and misery giving way to confusion.
“Are you fucking laughing?”
I kiss her lightly on the lips. “It’s just the ridiculous notion that I would rather die than break you. Which, given the circumstances-”
“I fucking hate you, you know.”
I kiss her again. “I know.”
“Fucking asshole. Go back to your fucking dorm and find that damn girl. And don’t let her get away from you because you’re too much of a pussy to love her.”
“Can you give me a ride?” I ask sheepishly.
“You’re a fucking asshole,” she repeats.
Chapter 17
I can’t tell Lily why I’m so late, and so I don’t; I just tell her band practice ran long. She looks fucking adorable in her soft green pants and sweatshirt and I just want to hold her. She doesn’t complain and we lie in my bed, cuddling. It’s absurd; it’s innocent and sweet and pure and everything I’m not, yet she makes me feel so complete. The depression still weighs on me, but I force myself to be present now, with her.
“I missed you,” she says once I’m curled up around her.
“Me too.”
“I wish you’d come back sooner. You could’ve helped me with my math homework. Aren’t you like super math guy?”
I laugh. “Not exactly.”
“Yeah, well it sucks. But I’m glad you’re back.”
I breathe in her permanently strawberry-scented hair. I don’t have words. I don’t want to reveal what she needs to hear. I know that eventually I need to tell her about my time in the hospital. However, I’ve seen the desperation in Alana’s eyes when I make a casual comment about wishing I was dead or when I get quiet after an argument. I never want to see that in Lily’s. I never want to doubt that her feelings are real. If she knew how desperate I am, how close to the precipice I’ve come, she’d love me out of some kind of debt. And while I may be able to face Alana’s obligation, I can’t demand it from Lily.
She falls asleep and it’s what we said it would be – sleeping together, since we’re both worn out from exams. I don’t fall asleep, though. I listen to the soft sounds she makes as she sleeps and I think about killing myself. Not about actually killing myself, but of the existential nature of the desire. I don’t know how to control it, but neither has any therapist I’ve seen. It appears without warning, like it did tonight. Sometimes there are triggers, even small ones. Triggers like facing the misery of the songs I wrote before Lily, now that I know what life is like after her. Sometimes there are no triggers.
What scares me most of all is that even if I could move on from my past, even if I learned to cope with my family, I can’t see a life past the next few years. Even when I’m not actively suicidal, my mind always tells me that someday it will be too much, and I’ll never be an adult. The concept of thirty feels impossible.
How do I reconcile these thoughts with holding Lily? She’s soft, she fits perfectly in my arms, and she trusts me. She
trusts
me. Not the way Alana trusts me, because Alana knows I see a part of myself in her. Lily trusts me without reason, without logic, and without fear. How do I tell her that someday, possibly when neither of us expects it, I could snap and be so overwhelmed by my pain that nothing would stop me from dying? How do I say to this girl that, no matter what she does, I don’t know that her face will appear in the mirror next time? That I could stand there for days and she may not register if the need to kill myself overpowers anything we’ve built? And how can I ask her to try anyway?
I can’t do any of those things, so instead I edge closer to that precipice, and I will the light to come.
****
Exams and papers step in and take away the free time to think about dying or defining our relationship. We’re both tired and busy and we spend the next night the same way, just cuddling and holding each other. The time will come when we’ll face the demons that are waiting, but right now, school comes first. By Thursday afternoon, I’m ready to pass out, although my exams are done. I have one last paper to write and then work all weekend, but no more tests. Although my eyes ache as I force them to stay open, as soon as I see Lily waiting outside for me, I have a newfound energy.
“Hey,” I say and take out a cigarette.
She looks sideways at me. “You know smoking is bad for you, right?”
I just laugh and light the cigarette. It’s not a long walk back to the dorm, but it’s a decent day and I feel better walking with Lily. Whatever shadow passed over me only a few days before has dissipated. Sure, it will be back, but it’s not right now, and I try to focus on that. Try to focus on Lily. It’s still early and there’s time to go to dinner, but first, I want to drop off my bag.
“Do you want to go to dinner?” I ask her as we make our way to my room.
She’s quiet and shrugs. “I don’t know.”
I don’t know if she’s being evasive. “I’m sure they’ll have something resembling food,” I joke.
She nods, but doesn’t say anything or look at me. I open my door and I feel the lightness give way to the burden again, but before I turn around, Lily has shut the door.
“Did I do something wrong?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No. Of course not. Why?”
“You haven’t touched me in a few days.”
“Was that before or after you passed out from studying microbiology?”
“That class is a waste of my time,” she says and sits on my bed.
“Listen, princess, I would be more than happy to forego dinner and spend the rest of the night touching you, if that’s what you’re so worried about.”
She grins and pulls her shirt off, revealing her absolutely perfect breasts. Oh, fuck. If there was any exhaustion left, it’s gone.
“You still amaze me,” I tell her.
“Why don’t you come over here and show me?”
I may not be able to make her happy for a long period of time, but I can make her happy in this moment and I determine to do that. I want her to lose herself with me, so that even if it isn’t forever, it will always be a good memory.
I go to my drawer. I have a vibrator tucked away in an unopened package. I don’t remember what possessed me to buy it, but it’s been there a while and I’m happy to have it now. I want to make Lily the center of the universe and I want to be outside of her pleasure for once. I just want to see that look of bliss wash over her face.
She smiles when I take the toy out of the package. “For me?” she asks, and the innocent girl is gone. Lily is all sex, all desire, and I still can’t get over how much she broke down everything I’d expected of her.
“It’s
all
for you,” I reply and she lies back, opening her legs. I want to be there, to be in her, to be with her. But I also want to be selfless, to give without taking, to show her what she means to me when I can’t say it.
She’s excited and I reach between her legs, readying the toy into position. I’ve never actually done this, which makes it both thrilling and terrifying. I’ve always expected my own satisfaction in the end. I don’t even want Lily to touch me. Well, that’s not totally true. I want her to touch me very badly, but I can last one night.
I slip the vibrator inside of her, holding her open to take the toy in, and my cock twitches at the wet heat of her pussy. Jesus, I want her, but the way she groans and the way her eyelids flitter make holding out worth it. I love being in this position, this force that gives her exactly what she craves, without needing her to focus any of her energy on me. She can just give herself over to the sensations with no worries at all, and she is eager to do that now. She grows wetter and I slide the toy in and out a few times to ensure that she’s ready. I haven’t turned on the vibrations yet, and I want to tease her a little.
“How does that feel?” I ask.
“Mmmm,” she says, which I take as a good sign.
I push it in a little bit deeper and then I flip the switch to the lowest setting. Lily gasps and holds the sharp intake of breath.
“Your pussy is beautiful, princess.”
She groans and I watch her writhe against the toy. I meet her movements with it and she balls up the sheet in her fists. “Oh, God,” she groans.
Increasing the speed of the vibrations, I push the toy deeper within her and she cries out, before immediately biting her lip.
“Go ahead and scream,” I tell her. “I love watching you come.”
She’s breathing in short, quick gasps and I know she’s nearly there, but I also know she’s holding back. Lily is still, somewhere in her mind, the good girl and she clearly worries about what other people will think. Not enough to turn down what I’m doing, but enough to make her orgasm lesser than I want it to be, so I slip the toy even deeper and tell her to hold her thighs together. I get up, turning on the radio – loud - and I return to the bed.
“Don’t worry now. No one can hear you. You can enjoy yourself, Lily.”
At the sound of her name, she jerks her hips up and the vibrator slips out of her. I push her legs apart and rub her clit for a few minutes. She opens one eye and I know she’s looking for the toy again, but she can’t say anything because her clit is swollen under my thumb and she’s too excited. I am so fucking hard it hurts, but I don’t move to undress or do anything but help Lily let go entirely.
“More,” she cries.
“More what?” I tease.
“More,” she repeats and she turns her legs to the side toward me. I push them back and kneel between them, sliding the vibrator back inside of her. I push it as far as it can go this time. It’s still buzzing on its medium setting and Lily begins thrusting her hips up and down. I hold onto her thighs and watch her. Her tits rise and fall with her quick breathing and her face twists in absolute ecstasy. I lean over and kiss her, at which point she nearly bucks me right off the damn bed.
“Oh, princess,” I whisper and lay my body over hers, still dressed. She reaches a hand up into my shirt and caresses my back as I fuck her with the toy. She’s moaning and desperate and I know she’s close. I press the switch again and increase the speed to the highest setting and Lily fucking loses it.
“Oh, God, Oh, Jack, Oh, FUCK ME,” she screams. I don’t have the heart to tell her that she is way louder than the music could ever be. She just repeats the same combination of monosyllabic sounds, my name, and a desire to be fucked. I watch her writhe and then I can see it. The orgasm makes her entire body go stiff and she points her toes down toward the mattress, flattening her legs. I fuck her even harder with the vibrator and she clenches her thighs around my hand as I push. Suddenly, she holds her breath and then, as she tilts her head back, she opens her mouth and screams so loud that everyone in the entire dorm probably hears her. Hell, half the fucking school probably does.
“Oh, God, Jack,” she cries and I feel her come as she drenches the toy, my hand, and the sheets. Her entire body jerks underneath me for a few seconds and then she is still. I turn the vibrator off and put it in the plastic package that I’d left on my dresser.