I lie next to her and she doesn’t open her eyes for a few moments. Then she rolls over onto her side, props herself up on her elbow, and looks at me.
“Fuck you,” she laughs.
“What?”
“That was so unfair. You’re incredible, Jack.”
“I love knowing how easily I can make you come, princess.”
“Like no one else,” she sighs.
Her tongue slides into my mouth and we slowly explore each other. I love that she just said that – that I make her come like no one else. I pretty much figured, but knowing it? It’s the only thing I’m good at, but she seems perfectly content with that. She slips her hand down into my pants as I kiss her and I groan against her lips as her fingertips brush the head of my cock.
“No,” I whisper. “It was supposed to be all about you.”
“I don’t mind,” she says against my mouth.
“Hell, I’m not going to survive if you don’t take those lovely fingers off my cock.”
I move away from her and stand up.
Lily looks confused. “Don’t you want to-”
I shake my head. “Fuck, yes, I want to. I want to disappear inside of you, but you have an exam tomorrow and we both have papers. And if we get started, I’m going to fuck you all night, and that would be bad.”
“Bad?” She raises her eyebrow.
“Okay, well it would be
amazing
, but I have a scholarship to keep up. Some of us-” But I stop because her face falls and we both know what I was going to say.
Some of us don’t have everything handed to us
. It slipped out before I could think it over and I want to punch myself. She’s on scholarship, too. I know that but still I almost said it.
“Yeah,” she says and reaches onto the floor to get her clothes. She dresses fast and I want to apologize, want to pretend I wasn’t going to say it, but I don’t want to lie to her. I do wish, however, that I didn’t naturally feel inferior to her still when it came to certain things.
Instead of addressing it, I change the subject and we look over a pizza menu. Neither of us wants to go to the cafeteria now and, by the time we place the order, she’s back to normal. I’m not, but hell – when am I?
I help her study while we wait and eventually we eat. By the time we’re both done working, it’s late and the moment never comes for me to say I’m sorry. We fall asleep with me still making excuses.
Chapter 18
I spend the morning in the library while Lily takes her exam, hoping our paths will cross later when she comes here to write her paper. I have to work, but it’s finally the weekend and exam week is over. I get everything done before I have to leave and I’m feeling good. I’m still a little sexually frustrated from holding out last night and, although it was worth it, I’m ready to get crazy with her. I need to forget everything but the way she tastes and smells.
Sadly, we don’t run into each other, but it’s probably better that way anyway, given the horrible ache in my balls. I’d end up passing out from needing her.
I take my bike and enjoy the ride. It’s just getting to be cold enough that it stings if you’re outside long without gloves, but it’s not yet cold enough to keep you from going outside. The air is fresh and crisp and the only thing that ruins it is how suddenly the trees were stripped bare. I feel like they were full of leaves just yesterday, but now the ground is a pile of reds and oranges and the trees all look broken.
Maybe it’s a warning. Because your own breaking point is coming
, the nagging voice in my head says. I tell the voice to fuck off, because I’m mature like that.
I’m disappointed that both Sandee and Liz are on dinner tonight, because that leaves Nicole as wait staff. She’s my age and she’s probably the most annoying person who has ever graced planet Earth. Even if she wasn’t plain irritating, she’s still so inept that it makes you wonder if you’re being pranked. A really, really long and pointless prank. Also, I barely work with her, but in the six months since she started here, she’s developed a stupid fucking crush on me.
She smiles when I walk in.
“Hi Jack,” she says and she drapes herself over the counter so her tits are barely in her shirt. If she never spoke, she might be hot. But trust me, her amazing tits are just not worth the price of listening to her.
“Hey.”
“It’s just us today.” This declaration is made as if it’s a profound statement about the future of our romantic entanglements. Of which there will be none.
“Cool.”
“And it’s really quiet.”
I look around. There is one old dude drinking coffee. Right now, I would give anything for a crowd. “Yeah, looks it.”
I try to make my way to the kitchen but she leans her body against mine. “That guy seems pretty much set, so maybe you need help getting some stuff from the walk in.”
On one incredibly stupid night this past summer, a night just like this one, I was in the walk in getting food to put out to defrost for the morning and Nicole came in looking for something. She’d just started working here and I had no idea how annoying she was. Her shirt had been unbuttoned low and she’d been insistent when she went for my belt. I’m ashamed to admit it, but in a moment of weakness, I fucked her against the door for all of eight minutes. It was meaningless and stupid and actually pretty damn crappy for both of us, but she’s been unable to take the hint since. It will never happen again and now, aching balls aside, it’s definitely not happening with Lily in the picture.
“I don’t think so,” I tell her.
“Why not? It was fun,” she whines.
I don’t feel like rehashing the fact that, in reality, it wasn’t. I just need to get through the lunch shift.
Someone
will be on in only a few hours.
“I’m gonna make sure everything’s stocked,” I tell her. “Why don’t you roll some silverware for the dinner crew?”
“I don’t like rolling silverware.”
There’s no comeback for someone this stupid so I ignore her and go into the back. I don’t really need to check much since the morning shift left everything full for us and clearly no one’s been around. However, I make it look like I’m stocking things and taking inventory. Nicole peeks her head through the door and I start counting aloud from the number 12, to make it look more realistic. She at least has the common sense not to interrupt my count, but as soon as she’s through the door, there’s an enormous crash. I sigh and go out to the floor.
An entire tray of glasses and silverware is now at my feet. Well, to be more accurate, a tray, a pile of silverware, and a fucking ocean of glass are at my feet.
“Get the broom,” I sigh.
“Where is it?” She asks as if it’s moved since the last ten times she knocked shit over.
I ignore her, get the broom and sweep up the glass, and return to the back to count fictitious items. Holy hell, the dinner shift crew cannot get here fast enough.
By the time Sandee strolls in a few hours later, I’m ready to tackle her in a hug.
“Hey, Jack,” she says and follows me out back for a cigarette. I love my job, because it’s one of the only jobs where you can sneak off for a cigarette immediately after punching in. Technically, we aren’t supposed to, of course, but right now the only other people in the building are Nicole and the same old dude.
“Can you
please
ask Jordan to stop scheduling me with Nicole?” I ask as I light my cigarette.
“You’re the idiot who thought it was a good idea to start something with her.”
“Sandee, I fucked her for like eight minutes in the walk in. It’s not like I broke her damn heart.”
“Can you stop with that? You’re young enough to be my kid.”
“Yeah, if you were ten when you had me.”
“Still.”
“Hey, can I ask you a stupid question?”
She smokes her cigarette and nods.
“Ever been in love?”
She takes a really long drag and reaches into her jacket for her flask. She offers me some, but I decline. She takes a swig and answers me. “Of course. It didn’t end well.”
“What happened?”
“Our lives were just on two completely different tracks. I had big plans. I was gonna move away, go to school, and make something of myself. He was happy to stay around town and get hammered.”
“But you loved him?”
“I did. I mean, at the beginning, it wasn’t clear how he was. But a year or two later, after we were out of high school and I still hadn’t left for college, I started to resent him. Then, I got pregnant. And so that’s that.”
“But he’s not around,” I say, not meaning to pry, but also curious.
“No. He was happy to stay around, until there was a
reason
to stay around. And then he was out the fucking door. But it’s okay. I have Mikey and he’s the only man I need in my life at this point.”
It seems so unfair to me. Sandee’s a nice person. She’s still pretty, for someone her age, and she has so much love in her. Yet she’s alone.
I try to imagine myself ten years from now. Will I still be working here? Will I be telling some college kid about my relationship failures? In my case, I’ll be the one who fucked up. As I think about it, it’s just a big void. There’s no way I will live to see thirty. The darkness is always creeping behind me, ready to throw me over the edge. I simply can’t take another decade of it.
“Listen, sweetie, I can only guess why you’re asking,” Sandee says and finishes her cigarette. “But if you have a chance at love, go for it.”
“You know my only role models for relationships are my grandparents and parents, right?”
“Look, I know you’ve been through a lot. You told me about your mom and dad and you’ve hinted about your grandfather, but plenty of couples work. Just because you and I don’t know them, it doesn’t mean you give up.”
“But is the hurt worth it? If it’s guaranteed to end, why force yourself through that kind of pain?” It’s an honest question and she looks at me seriously.
“Because otherwise, why bother?”
She goes in and the problem is that although she meant for the question to be inspiring – to give me something to hope for – all it does is remind me how little there is. I’m starting to feel the darkness coming back until my phone buzzes in my pocket. As if she knew, Lily’s texted me saying,
I can’t wait to see you in a couple hours. I have a surprise for you.
Yeah?
I text back.
What is it?
You’ll see. Don’t worry. I’m keeping it safe in my pants.
The little winky face emoticon is really the kicker. Her efforts at sexting are more cute than sexy, but the ache in my balls returns. She’s so much more than that, but I can’t pretend the physical isn’t a significant part of it as well.
I text her back that I can’t wait to see her either and put my phone back in my pocket. Breathing in the cool autumn air, I make a decision. Tonight I’m going to take the biggest step of my life so far and tell Lily that I love her. Because, like Sandee said, if you have a chance at it, why not try to take it?
Chapter 19
I take a shower before going to see Lily after I get back from work. It only registered on the way home that I didn’t hesitate when Sandee offered me something to drink; I simply said no as if it was natural. I can’t imagine Lily has any idea how much she’s impacted me in such a short time. I wish I could rationalize it, but then again, if I could, she could as well. And there’s no way she’d still be in my life if she could make any sense of it.
By the time I’m dry and dressed, I am anxious as hell. There are a million voices in my head telling me all the things that could go wrong, but I need to tell her. And then I need to tell her the rest of it. Although I don’t think I can do both in the same night. Soon, though. Because if this is going to be a relationship, I need to be honest with her.
Knocking on her door, I’m shaking. The door swings open almost immediately and I smile, thinking she’s as anxious as I am, but my brain can’t process what’s happening. Lily’s sitting in her desk chair and the guy standing in front of me is big, blond, and angry. I don’t know why he’s angry, but he’s growling in my face about something. A little voice tells me that this is the same guy Lily was with a while ago, at the café and then on campus before I went home for the long weekend. But that doesn’t make sense, does it? They broke up. She’s with me now. Isn’t she?
“Who are you? Princess, what’s going on?” I ask her but she won’t stop staring at the floor. I try to will her to meet my gaze, but nothing works.
The big blond guy is yelling and then he pushes me. I don’t see it coming and I’m across the hallway before I know it. My back hits the wall and a switch is flipped. All of the rage I’ve suppressed for years – since I started college really – explodes inside of me and I step forward, returning the shove. The guy has at least thirty pounds on me, but I can’t see right now. All I can think about is hurting him, because somehow I know that everything I thought tonight would be is no longer possible. And it’s all
his
fucking fault.
He reaches out one of his stupid giant hands and grabs me by the throat.
I see my mother writhing under my father’s hands as he holds her down on the living room carpet. She’s trying to breathe, making weak sounds asking me to get help, but I just watch. I don’t understand it; it’s surreal. It can’t be happening. And then my father twists and she’s silent. It’s all I can see for a moment before the illusion shatters and I free myself from this asshole’s fucking grip. I wind up and hit him, but his jaw is solid, unlike my memory.
I push him off balance for a second before he hits me, knocking me onto the hallway floor. I want to kill him, to hurt him, to make it as if he never existed so whatever he’s doing here is not real. I love her. I really, truly fucking love her and the pain I feel as he slams the door, taking her from me, is so deep that I stay on the floor and try not to feel anything.
Only a couple minutes go by and then her door opens and she’s running. I try to speak, to tell her I’m sorry, but she just says she wants to be alone and takes off down the emergency stairs. The guy follows her.