Little Conversations (13 page)

Devin sat outside the liquor store in Ronin’s truck.  A
chirp from her iPhone indicated a text.  Digging it out of her purse, she saw
it was from Sorcha in Del Mar.

Ur mom told my mom who told me u and BF broke up.  U ok?

Sorta.  Sometimes yeah.  Sometimes no.

Sorta broken up or sorta okay?

Both.

How can u b sorta broken up?

He’s gonna live with other GF at college, but still fuckin me.

Fuck. Son of a bitch.  Ass.

Yup.  All the above.

U need a vacay, I’ve got a job in a couple weeks.  Will be
gone 3 weeks.  Would love u to housesit. I’ll buy ur ticket to Cali.

Devin watched Ronin come out of the store, bag in hand,
looking a bit flushed.  She wasn’t going to school.  She had pulled her
paperwork from college, paid another month’s rent, and stuck the money she’d
been saving for tuition into a savings account.  She could afford to take some
time off work to go to Del Mar. 

Considering her cousin’s offer, though, she felt a slight
twist in her gut.  She’d miss Ronin.  But to be completely honest with herself,
she missed Ronin now.  She missed the easy light, flirty friendship they had
built.  Things still hadn’t completely returned back to normal since that last
night with Jake.  She had a harsh streak of fear, she fought the temptation to
protect herself by pushing him away.

And Jake?  She had no idea what to think of Jake.  She was
an intricate Celtic knot of twisted fears and emotions.

I’ll think about it, k cuz? How soon do u need to know?

Couple days b4 I leave on the 10
^th
. I’ve got backup
if u decide u can’t, but will need to get ur ticket if u can.

OK, I’ll let ya know.

“So, what the hell are you concocting with this?” Ronin quietly
laughed as he got in the truck.  “I could barely pronounce it, and then she
brings it to me and, by God, this shit is pink!  Do you have any idea how
emasculating it is to buy pink booze?”  Ronin did his best to look completely
offended. 

Devin smiled at the exaggerated horror in his expression.  “It’s
called a ‘Snowball,’ she responded.  “I saw the recipe in Cosmo.  It looks
really pretty.”  

“Pretty, huh?  That’s what I want in a drink.  Something
pretty.”  Ronin looked over at her and winked.  “Just warn me next time you
want me to get something like that again.  That’s about as bad as buying tampons!”

Devin chuckled softly as he pulled out of the parking lot.

Fuck the snowballs.  They were good, but entirely too sweet. 
Devin wasn’t in the mood for sweet. 

The other night with Jake had left her in a full-on funk.  She
felt weird, vapid, guilty, dirty.  But mostly, she felt mad at the world.  Devin
was in the mood for something harsh and burning, something to torment her body enough
to clear the turmoil in her mind. 

She was in a Wild Turkey kind of mood.

Her disposition became more caustic as the night wore on. 
The more the brutally sharp self-loathing built inside her, the more spiteful
and malevolent she became.  She could see the needles of provocation start to
prick at Ronin.  She could see the confusion being tossed around by the storm
brewing in his eyes.  He tried to cajole her, to hold her, to soothe the
harshness away, despite his obvious frustration with her inciting mindset.  But
Devin only brushed him off with a cold, brittle smile, doing everything she
could to push him away.  She was helpless to stop the dark, unrelenting
bitterness building up the walls to keep him out. 

Music poured throughout the house as Joe played DJ.  His
usual eighties and nineties tunes were focusing on Van Halen tonight, and Sammie
Hagar was grunting and moaning the words to
Finish What Ya Started
.  Begging.
 Pleading.  Devin sat on the couch beside Ronin, bourbon bottle in hand, and gave
a harsh laugh as she nudged him with her elbow.  “This could be our song.  You
begging, me getting you all hot and bothered and then shutting you down.”  She
took another long drink straight out of the bottle, then grimaced as she sat
back, eyeing him with a fierce, antagonizing expression. 

“Devin, don’t,” Ronin stated with a forced calm belied by
his exasperated frown. 

“Don’t what, Ronin?” she coldly asked.  “Tell the truth?”

“Baby, I know what you’re doing.”

“You do, do you?” she asked acerbically.  “You think you
know me pretty well, huh?  Because I’ve poured out my heart to you?  Moaning
and crying about Jake?”

Joanie tried to cut in.  “Devin—”

But Devin ignored her and leaned forward towards Ronin.  “You
might be surprised by the things I
don’t
tell you, Ronin.  Things about
Jake and me.  Things about… you.”

Ronin’s temper had finally just about reached its boiling
point.  He was flushed and livid.  “Dev,” he ground out, “I don’t wanna fight
with you.”

“Seriously,” she laughed, struggling to repel him further.  “This
song…  Don’t you think so, Amy?  Joanie?  Ronin couldn’t care less if I was
fuckin’ half the town.  He just wishes I was fuckin’ him.”  Both girls stared
at her, bewildered by the venom in her voice. 

So she looked to the guys.  What better way to commit social
suicide than to ridicule a guy to his friends?  “Joe, you’ve gotta know what I’m
talking about.  Has Ronin ever told you what a lush I am?  How I sleep in his
bed.  Kiss him.  Touch him.”  She looked back at Ronin, catching the growing spark
of anger.  She fed on it.  “But it’s never quite enough.  It’s like these words
are coming right out of your mouth.  Tell me, Ronin, do you ever get tired of
wanting me and never getting to fuck me?”  

Ronin pulled back a bit, clenching his jaw, his hand gripping
the beer can he held until the aluminum crinkled.  For a split second, Devin
saw the fury blaze in his eyes.  She’d finally done it.  Ronin was good and
pissed.  He was finally as mad at her as she was at herself. 

He pulled his arm back and splashed the beer in her face as
he stood, pitching the can across the room.

“Fuck, Devin,” he muttered as he stormed into the kitchen, “I
give up.  You fuckin’ win.”

Joe jumped up.  “Ronin!?  What the fuck!?”  

Shane ran after Ronin, following him down the hall in an
effort to keep the two separate, to prevent any escalation of what was
unfolding. 

“What the hell was that all about!?” Joe yelled as he
followed them out of the room. 

Devin’s eyes burned as the beer seeped inside, blinding her
for a moment and causing a searing pain.

 “I can’t see,” Devin creaked.  Through the blur of pain, she
felt a cool, wet cloth cover her eyes and heard Joanie’s voice, softly telling
her it would be okay.

“Joanie, I can’t see.”  Panicked shock made Devin’s voice
hoarse.

“Shhhh,” Amy whispered as she sat on the couch.  “Open your
eyes a little and let Joanie drip some of the water in there to clean out the
alcohol.”

Devin’s vision began to clear somewhat, and the realization
of what happened slammed into her chest, building and unfurling to an
earthshattering anger.  Devin literally saw red.  She felt hot.  She was
furious
! 

“That fucking son-of-a-bitch,” she shrieked as she jumped
up, pushing Joanie aside in her outrage.

Devin rushed into the kitchen, looking for Ronin.  Seeing
him down the hall, she grabbed an unopened can of beer from the counter in the
kitchen and began vigorously shaking it.  Before anyone could restrain her, she
tore down the hallway towards the bathroom where Ronin stood hunched in
frustration, Joe and Shane barricading him in with their backs to the doorway. 
She pushed through them, and they stared at her dumfoundedly. 

Ronin straightened up when he saw her coming, arms rushing forward
to halt her before she completely lost it.  She cracked the top of the can open,
and the beer began to spew out from the pressure, her hand waving it around the
room and dousing everyone and everything.  Ronin pushed her up against the
wall, hitting the hand holding the can on the counter to dislodge it.

“I fucking hate you!  YOU FUCKING SON-OF-A-BITCH!” Devin
screamed at him, breaking one arm free and pummeling his shoulder and arm with
her small fist.

In a smooth motion, Ronin clamped his hands around her
wrists, pulling her into the bathtub.  He confined her around the waist with
one arm as he reached for the cold water and flipped the shower on, dousing
them both in an icy stream.  They struggled for a moment, and then another as
the others in the room could only stare with horrified awe.  The water poured
on her head, drenching her hair and chilling her fury.  For a moment, she
couldn’t breathe as the spray hit her right in the face.  Her hands clenched,
her struggles ceased, and she collapsed against him in tears.  Ronin’s hands
morphed from a hard, controlling hold to a gentle, comforting one in a matter
of a second, pulling her closer to him as she cried. 

“Oh God, Ronin.  I’m so sorry,” Devin sobbed.  Her voice
faded to barely a whisper as her body was wracked with deep, wrenching sobs, tearing
out her soul and baring it to reveal the raw misery that consumed her.  “Everything
hurts.  I just don’t want to hurt anymore.  I’m so sorry…”  She clutched at his
shoulders, no fight left in her, only seeking a release from her agony.  Her
breathing was choppy, gulping in air as she cried, but she couldn’t pull her
face away from his neck.  A torrent of warm, salty tears seeped into the chill
of Ronin’s wet shirt.

The water continued to rain down from the showerhead, over
the two of them as they slid down the wall of the tub surround.  Devin
continued to cry, shivering from the cold and pain.  Ronin stroked her back,
her shoulders, her cheek, holding her tightly.  Joe reached in the shower to
turn off the water, and then turned to usher the others from the room. 

“Let’s give them a few minutes, guys,” he said quietly. 

 “Fuck that,” Joanie said as the others filed out of the
room.  “Where are your towels, Ronin?” she asked, and he raised a hand slightly
to point to a cupboard in the corner of the room.  Joanie reached in and pulled
out two towels, wrapping one around Devin who was still shaking ferociously with
shivers and ragged breaths.  Joanie gently pulled her away from Ronin’s arms. 

“C’mere, Dev.  Let’s get you dried off,” she whispered in an
attempt to wrest Devin from her stupor.

With a little help from Ronin, Joanie got Devin to stand. 
She threw the other towel at Ronin, shooting him an angry glare.  Ronin appeared
drained by Devin’s outburst, a little shell-shocked by the whole ordeal, but
stood and began to towel off his face and shortly cropped hair. 

Devin stood frozen and lethargic as Joanie began to rub her
skin harshly with the towel, trying to warm her.  Suddenly, Devin looked back
at Ronin, tears again filled her eyes, and she fled the room, running through
the house and out the front door.

Once outside, she dodged through the trees, ignoring the
calls of her name behind her.  She slipped through the dense cover in the dark
until she could no longer hear a thing but her own ragged breathing.  She angrily
brushed the wetness from her eyes as she stumbled along in the darkness.  It
was probably not the safest thing, an eighteen-year-old girl roaming around alone
at night, but it wasn’t like this was a big city or anything.  Besides, anyone
who tried to fuck with her tonight had no idea what kind of fury they’d
unleash.

She found herself at in the vicinity of the creek on the
edge of town, and carefully, by the silvery moonlight as it emerged from behind
the clouds, she followed a rough path to the water’s edge.  The gurgle of water
tumbling across the rocks soothed her nerves a bit, and the solitude let her
fill her lungs with air.  She was so cold, her shirt still soaked by the
impromptu shower Ronin had given her.  She welcomed the icy chill in the night
air as she sat on the cool grass.  It seemed to numb the hot anger. 
Or was it shame?

Devin’s thoughts turned to the last couple weeks, and the
vicious twist in her gut tightened.  She remembered that first time she laid in
Ronin’s bed, how close she came to using him to exorcise Jake from her mind,
the tears that followed when she couldn’t follow through.  She had wanted him,
right up until she closed her eyes and Jake’s face rose like a specter in her
mind.  Jake’s disgust, his self-righteousness, his knowledge of the whore he
had always predicted her to be.  It was as though he had been able to see her
true nature, her lack of morality, as if he had been the only saving grace. 
Devin had cried out in Ronin’s arms. 
Wait!
  Apologizing over and over
for being so perfidious.

And Ronin had stopped, in a heartbeat.  He had pulled back
from the thrust that would have soiled and spoiled her in Jake’s eyes.  No
anger or blame.  Ronin had been…
understanding
. 
As she cried in his arms, he had soothed her, comforted her, and calmed her. 
He took care of her when she was barely able to take care of herself.