Little Conversations (14 page)

Devin’s alcohol-riddled brain flashed through the moments in
time.  Never had he pushed her.  She would kiss him, sit on his lap, dance
closely pressed against him.  Hell, she slept with him more than without.  She
knew he wanted her, but he had never shown anger or frustration with her. 
Until she pushed him tonight.  Until she’d poked and picked and nettled him.  Until
she’d broken the sweet gentleness of him. 

She was losing her fucking mind. 

Her head grew heavy, and Devin lay back in the soft grasses
on the bank.  The world was still aside from the rippling sound of the water
flowing by.  No stars tonight with the thick clouds overhead.  In short little
bursts, the moon would peek through, but its light was generally filtered by
the overcast sky.  There were no streetlights this close to the water’s edge,
this far back in the trees.  The darkness encompassed her as her eyes drifted
closed, seeing only Ronin’s face.  Seeing the flitter of deep regret in his
eyes right before she had run out of the bathroom. 

And then she saw nothing at all as the night and the whiskey
claimed her.

So cold…

The shivering woke her, teeth-chattering and shaking
uncontrollably.  The chill in the air had intensified, and her breath was almost
visible in the dropped temperature.  Devin lay there for a few moments, trying
to emerge from a fog, trying to remember how she came to be lying on the cold,
hard ground near the creek.

Looking through the trees to the east, a faint blush of pink
was beginning to warm the sky. 
Morning,
Devin thought as she rose
stiffly and rubbed her painfully cold hands on her arms.

Slowly, gingerly, she began the trek home, trying to stay in
the shadows as she came out of the woods into town.  The world was slowly
waking up around her.  Finally, she turned down her own street and her steps
quickened as she rounded her little duplex to the back door. 

And there was Ronin, sitting on her back porch, leaning up
against the wall by her door.  Devin’s breath caught, and, at that littlest of
sounds, his eyes opened to see her there.  He was wrapped in the throw from his
truck, the one he’d covered her legs with during the storm a while back, and he
was holding her purse on his lap.  His shirt underneath the blanket was rumpled,
still evidently rather damp.  His eyes were bloodshot as he blinked against the
golden-pink lighting up the sky behind her.

Devin froze.

And then she burst into tears.

Her legs gave out and she fell to her knees on the wood deck,
her eyes clenched shut as she cried.  Ronin’s arms closed around her, and she
jerked away.

“No!” she cried.  “Don’t be nice to me!”

“Dev—”

“What are you doing here!?  I tried!  I tried
so many
times
, Ronin.  I used you to try and get him out of my mind, to rip him out
of my soul.  And all the while,” she laughed hysterically, “I still keep hoping
he will come back to me.  He will.  As long as I don’t fuck you, he will come
back to me.”

“He’s not coming back, baby.”

“How do you know?  You don’t know him, not like I do.  I
know him.  And I love him.  He loves me, and he
will
come back to me!”  She
shook her head slowly, and whispered, “He has to.  Nobody else will ever love
me.”

“Honey, don’t.  Don’t let Jake fuck with your head anymore.”

“You,” she cried brokenly.  “You said we were friends, but
you shouldn’t be my friend.  I am
not
a good person.  I’ve used you, and
you should hate me.  I don’t deserve your friendship.  You’re being nice to me,
and you’re supposed to hate me.”

“Honey, tonight was a fucking catastrophe.  I should have
never
treated you that way.”

“You’re wrong!  I deserve worse!” she yelled at him,
babbling almost incoherently with the cold and anguish.  “W-w-w-what’s wrong
with me?  How did I become this…?”  She clutched at her chest, trying to regain
control of her paroxysmal breathing. “Oh God, I… I can’t breathe…” she rasped
as she lay curled up on her deck, crying and shuddering—done.  More than
anything at that moment, she wanted to just wither away, to die and finally end
the pain.

Ronin knelt before her and gently rolled her into his arms. 
This time, she let him.  She didn’t fight.  She didn’t look at him.  She only
continued trembling with her eyes clenched shut, heaving with jerky breaths.

“Jesus, sweetheart, you are frozen clear through.”

He reached down and grabbed her purse, reaching for the
lanyard that held her house keys.  He unlocked the door with the hand that supported
her legs and then carried her inside, kicking the door closed behind him.

Dropping her purse and keys on the kitchen counter, he
swiftly carried her to the bedroom and stood her beside the bed as he began to
strip the icy-cold damp clothes from her chilled skin.  She simply stood there
in a daze, her mind simply unwilling to function anymore.

Ronin pulled back her sheets and grabbed a super-soft chenille
throw from the edge of her bed.  He laid her down, then pulled off his own damp
shirt and slipped in beside her, pulling her close and using his own body heat to
help raise her core temperature.  His hands rubbed her back briskly to warm her
skin with the friction as he wrapped himself around her.

Slowly, after what seemed like forever to Ronin, the catch
in her breathing eased.  Her shivering and shuddering lessened.  Her eyes
closed softly and her body began to relax into sleep.

Ronin continued to hold her, running his hands over her
blanket-clad body to warm her, softly kissing her forehead as she once again
faded into oblivion.

Bright midday sunlight poured into Devin’s windows.  Waking
up with puffy eyes from the flood of tears, the ache in her throat grew as the
memories of last night filtered in through her slowly returning consciousness. 
Devin opened her eyes, already knowing Ronin would be gone.  Why would he stick
around, after he’d been so frustrated, and rightfully so?  After she’d
collapsed into a hysterical display of pseudo-psychosis. 

She lay there for a while, in a fog of bleak despondency, when
her iPhone rang from the dresser beside her bed.  Ronin must have placed it
there before he left.  She glanced at the screen to see who was calling.  It
was him…
Ronin.

She didn’t answer.  She
couldn’t
answer.  Her
ringtone was set to
From Yesterday
by Thirty Seconds to Mars, and she
let the music play, feeling the haunting tones more than hearing them, the
empty feeling magnified by her emotional hangover.  Jared Leto began to sing,
softly and somberly, and then the song stopped.  Her breath caught a bit as she
watched the phone with one eye open, waiting for the voicemail ping, but a few
minutes passed with nothing. 

Probably just as well,
she
thought. 

Devin stood on shaky legs, wrapping the blanket around her,
and made her way to the bathroom to pee.  Mechanically washing her hands, her
eyes wandered up to the mirror.  She looked like hell. 

Walking out of the bathroom, she contemplated trying to find
something to eat to settle her stomach, but decided she wasn’t interested.  The
thought of food made her a bit nauseous.  She returned to her room, lying on
her bed, burying her face in her pillow.  It smelled ever so faintly of Ronin
and she clutched it tighter, aching to feel close to him somehow. 

Her phone started up once more. 
Ronin… again.
  After
a few seconds of deliberation, she answered.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

“Hi,” was Ronin’s soft reply.  “How you feeling?”

“Um, not sure yet.”

She heard Ronin exhale.  “Honey, I’m sorry.  About all that
last night.  That was really not okay.”  Devin didn’t answer, so Ronin
continued.  “I know things are a mess right now.  I know that you’ve been kinda
put through the wringer lately.  I’m sorry I got all pissed and flipped out on
you.  You didn’t deserve that.”

Devin still didn’t respond.

“Honey?  Dev?”

“But I did,” she whispered. 

“What?” Ronin asked.

“I did deserve it,” she said softly.

“Dev, we’ve been through this—”

“No,” she interrupted more forcefully, her words coming out
in a rush.  “I haven’t really been fair to you.  I’ve been a big ol’ lush who
comes on to you whenever I’m feeling lonely, but then I freak and can’t give
you what I’m all but promising.” She laughed a hard, cold sound.  “Who does
that!?  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  There are times when I really,
really
want you.  My God, I’ve even dreamed about you!  But I can’t just turn off my feelings
for Jake.  I have loved him for so long.  How can I just stop?”  Devin’s voice
dropped to a fierce whisper.  “I know he still loves me.”

“And how’s that been working for you?” Ronin asked.  “When
is the last time he put you first, before his own selfishness?  When is the
last time he has truly done anything for you?  And not just a clinging to what
is familiar, or even available, but something that gives you strength,
something supportive that makes you
feel
loved?”

“You don’t understand,” she cried weakly.  “Three years… 
You don’t just stop loving someone.  You don’t just throw that away.”  

Ronin said nothing for a moment, then softly replied.  “I
think I understand better than you do.  Because, honey, I hate to tell you
this, but that’s exactly what Jake did, and you know that as well as I do.  You
are afraid of what’s next, but if he came back to you today, would you really
want him?”

“You know I would.  He’s a part of me—”

“Would you trust him?” Ronin interjected softly.  “Could you? 
Trust him?”

Devin was quiet.

“You’re afraid to let go, but you’ll be even more afraid if
he actually does leave Melanie and comes back to you.  Afraid of the next time…
the time after that.”

Devin swallowed hard against the increasing lump in her
throat.

“Really, sweetheart, how could you not be?”

Ronin’s words stuck with Devin all day, all through her
shift at the Sundowner.  She felt a little spacy and disconnected as she took
orders and refilled sodas. 

How could you not be?

As she stood in the wait station washing glasses, she
thought back to the last time Jake had made her really, truly feel like she was
important.  It took a while to remember it, and it seemed like an awfully long
time ago. 

They had been together about a year and a half, and he’d
bought her that little golden heart necklace.  Right before he’d left to go
farm for the summer.  She was simply elated that he would
shop
for her. 
She had shown it to all her friends, and she made sure it was prominently
displayed in her senior picture.  In her mind, as she posed with the heart
settled at the base of her neck, she would someday be showing those photos to
her children and grandchildren, and she would tell them that their daddy or
grampa had given her that necklace. 

Devin didn’t wear that necklace anymore, not since Jake had
told her he was going to live with Melanie at school.  Now it made her feel
hollow and empty.  It made her feel stupid and naïve.  But she kept it by her bed,
a part of the little Jake shrine that he would tease her about whenever he was
in her room.  He loved that she still loved him. 

She could clearly see now, though, that he did not love
her
. 
He loved having her hanging on.  He loved knowing she’d be there whenever he
wanted her.  He loved how she would drop everything and run to him. 

But he couldn’t love her and do what he was doing to her.

That night after work, Devin walked out to her little black
Jetta to see Ronin’s truck parked alongside.  He stood leaning against his
driver door waiting for her to emerge from the building.  Having not seen her
when she first stepped outside, he gazed off at the horizon, at the sun that
was beginning to sink below the mountains.  A jet trail streaked across the
sky, and it caught the pink hue of the sunset.  Ronin’s expression was hard to
read.  He looked deep in thought as he tipped his hat back on his head.  His
eyes seemed very far away. 

The door closed behind Devin with a click, and he turned his
gaze to meet hers.  The emotion in his eyes clued her in on his frame of mind. 
She could see exactly what he felt when he looked at her.  Regret.  Remorse. 
Relief that she was standing there before him finally. 

“Ronin?  What are you doing here?” she asked quietly.

Ronin looked down at his boots for a minute, then back up
and answered.  “I’m waiting for you.  I wanted to see if you are really okay.”

Not quite knowing how to respond, Devin didn’t.  She cocked
her head to the side.

“And I wanted to apologize,” he said quietly.

“You already did.  This morning, on the phone, you
apologized.”

Ronin shook his head wistfully.  “And then I proceeded to
make you feel even shittier about Jake.  It’s not my place to tell you what to
think or how to feel.  I’d just kind of like a redo of the last twenty-four
hours.”  

“It’s been… different.  But, honestly, Ronin, I was kinda
asking for it last night.  I should be the one apologizing to you.  I was being
pretty bitchy.”

“I don’t know what happened the other night, Dev,” Ronin started.
 “The night Jake came into the bar.”  He watched her stiffen and then saw the uncontrollable
shudder reverberate through her.  “And the part that’s killing me is that I
knew
you were hurting.  I knew
something
had gotten to you.  I don’t know if
that fucker hit you or hurt you or what.  But everything about you was suddenly
so… scary-sad.  Hopeless.”

Ronin stepped away from his truck and walked closer to her. 
His hand reached out, and he lifted her chin with the first two fingers.  “I
was worried about you, worried for you, pissed off for you.  And then, all of a
sudden, I was just fuckin’ pissed… period.  And I took it all out
on
you.  The one person I wanted to help was the one I turned on.”

“I was pushing your buttons,” Devin admitted, “intentionally. 
I was trying to get a rise out of you.  As much as part of me was a little
freaked out by your response, a bigger part still feels incredibly guilty.  I’ve
been pretty awful to you, right from the start.  All those times I lushed out on
you.  I selfishly didn’t give you a second thought, never once considered how
this weird friends-with-sorta-kinda-but-not-quite-benefits thing was affecting
you.”  Devin’s eyes lifted to his.  “I’m sorry.”

“Sweetheart, you’re sexy as hell.  I’d go halfway with you
any day, even if you never do let me in.  You really didn’t deserve that.  Blue
balls or not, that was so wrong of me.  I know how hard it is to let go… that
first time with someone else.  Sort of like you’re really saying it’s over.”  His
hand cupped her jaw as his thumb brushed her cheek.  “It’s hard to take that
leap.”

Devin focused on the light in his eyes, the sincere glow
that seemed to warm her soul, seemed to melt some of the hardness inside her.  “Ronin—”

“How about if you come over to my place?  We’ll hang out,
watch one of your crazy old black and white movies.  Friends,”  Ronin smiled
slightly.  “I’ll cook, even.”

She raised her eyebrow. 
Ronin?  Cook?

“Okay, so I’ll order a pizza,” he smiled, and his grin made
her laugh a little which broadened his smile.  “I’m glad to hear you laugh
again, honey.  It’s a pretty sound, and, honestly, after what I did, I was
kinda worried I’d maybe not get to hear it again.”  His expression sobered a
bit.  “You know, if I hadn’t gotten all fucked up by Kim, I think I’d totally
be fucked up over you.”

Devin laughed again and looked down at her hands.  “I think
that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”  She softly laughed again
and smoothed her fingers along his cheek before she turned to climb in her car. 
She glanced at him over her shoulder.  “I smell like a greasy spoon.  Let me
run home and shower.  I’ll let you go pick out a movie—your choice.  You’ve sat
through Casablanca… well, sort of.  I want to watch whatever you want to
watch.  Why don’t you come get me in, say, a half hour or so?”

“I’ll be there,” he smiled. 

Devin started up her car and backed out of her parking
spot.  She paused a minute before shifting into first gear.  Ronin still leaned
up against the door to his pickup, watching her tenderly with his hat tipped
back and his hands perched on his hips. 

If she wasn’t all fucked up over Jake, she’d totally be
fucked up over Ronin, too.