Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle) (10 page)

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Authors: Alex McCord,Simon van Kempen

 
Helicopter Mama, Three Weeks Before François’ Birth
 
One thing Simon and I agreed upon when we decided to have children is that I would handle dirty diapers and related accidents, and he would handle vomit. As for merely wet diapers, whoever got there first changed them. Although he and I both have very strong stomachs and aren’t squeamish, the one smell in the world that gets me is vomit—I just absolutely cannot stand it. Simon, on the other hand, isn’t horribly fazed by it—his Achilles heel is feces in the various forms that come out of children’s bottoms at appropriate and sometimes inappropriate times such as the middle of Thanksgiving festivities, while learning to use the toilet. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule—neither of us would ever walk away from a child or a floor in need of clean up—but when we are both at home, it is a thoughtful division of labor. Example A: François throws up on the floor. Simon will swoop in, strip off the clothes and pick up the mess while I comfort F, clean his face and get him new clothes. Example B: While Johan learned to use the potty, we kept one in every room with wipes nearby. He was very good at getting himself there, but not so good at remembering to wipe up before repositioning underwear and trousers. He was also extremely invested in doing his part to keep the house clean and wanted to help by emptying his potty into the nearest toilet. Though if he couldn’t find a toilet, sometimes a trash bin looked inviting… It was pretty much a constant race to keep an ear out for him using the potty in order to supervise wiping and make sure the contents actually got flushed. While I don’t like the smell of poo either, it doesn’t make me actually retch as it does Simon, so I am happy to take charge of that task.
Something else we did was unapologetically use the kids as an excuse to clean our emotional houses and we got rid of a few annoying people who weren’t really friends. With so much going on in our lives I often feel like I barely have enough time to take care of myself, Simon and the kids, so I allow myself to not return those phone calls. I hardly have time to return my real friends’ phone calls either, so I gave myself a break and either lost them as a friend, or not. (Any real friend reading this—I still love you!)
A bonus we hadn’t counted on has been weight loss. As I’d mentioned, Simon and I are huge food fans and never met a tasting menu we didn’t like, plus we both love to cook. However, running around after two boys takes up enough of our time that we don’t sit down to eat in the way we used to. Certainly we go out for meals, but it’s much less likely that he or I will prepare a five-course meal at home with wines, etc. We do that only on occasion after the boys are in bed, as they don’t appreciate grown-up food at all yet. I realized at one point that we no longer upheld a tradition of a cheese and meat platter upon returning home after work. The boys threw the cheese around and ate all the crackers, so I stopped putting it out, and we lost weight. We have also benefited from our desire to teach the boys about healthy eating. We don’t allow soda or overly processed foods in the house, so we’re not eating them either and everyone wins.
Sleep is something else that becomes almost as precious as our children. Simon and I alternate getting up on weekend mornings. Although for some reason he wakes early on the weekend, he tries to sleep in one day, and I sleep in the next or vice versa. Even if it’s only to the ripe old hour of 8 a.m., it’s still two hours more than we normally get, which is a bonus and makes the person who got extra sleep that much happier. The one who woke up early then takes a nap or gets free time later that day.
Partly due to the fact that in NYC there seems to be a nail bar on every corner, many women have perfect nails all the time here, or so it seems. It’s as though there’s somebody in a perfect little black dress whispering in your ear, “Don’t let yourself slide, even for one little nanosecond. Make sure that even when the baby is crying, you comfort him or her while wearing a mud mask, bust-lifting lotion and hair softener. If you have boatloads of money, hire someone to hang around the house and when you fall asleep in a stupor with a kid on top of you, she can quietly give you a mani-pedi while not waking the
baby. Have stylists come to your house and organize your closet by items that have the least amount of vomit on them.” Yeah, right. I made a conscious decision not to worry about my hands, at the very least. It’s not the $20 I mind, it’s the hour spent walking in, getting a seat and waiting for the polish to dry, only to experience chips the next day. I do manage to use hand cream occasionally, and sometimes even body lotion (on good days). When an everyday product can do double duty such as Dawn Hand Renewal with Olay Beauty, a dish soap that seals in moisture while I’m tackling cleanup, sure, I’ll buy it. Why stop there, could someone please come out with a fabric softener that moisturizes our legs inside our jeans? Bring on the shortcuts to make our lives easier. Is a manicure a shortcut? NO! I’m not willing to give up that time. My hands are soft and supple, but my nails aren’t polished, and if you don’t like it, don’t look at them.
It may seem silly, but I know I feel more cheery when my legs are not hairy and I look presentable. Simon and I have both been really lucky that we are relatively fit, and with two young boys and a healthy diet we don’t need to exercise much. Although it might seem old fashioned, we do make an effort to look halfway decent around the house. We never articulated this, but now that I think of it neither of us own sweatpants, nor do we lounge around in PJs. We get dressed immediately upon waking, and at home would be more likely to wear a slim pullover and jeans (Simon) or a casual dress (me). I think making a personal investment in the way you look pays off—it’s absolutely true that I am nicer to Simon after he brushes his teeth, and I send myself reminders on my phone to get things like haircuts and waxes. I’ve also seen moms who aren’t naturally thin, whether it’s from the baby or genetics, but they still manage to put on makeup and a vomit-free shirt. They aren’t trying to compete with Heidi Klum (neither am I) but are taking what they’ve got and working it. I love that.
 
Simon
While children had been the last thing on our minds when we married, neither of us could possibly imagine our lives without them now. That being said, we are also adamant that “we were here first” and we’d keep time for the two of us, an important part of our lives. This “us time” was never something we consciously set about planning but naturally evolved. I had fallen in love with Alex McCord the individual and while I loved her as a mom, too, I still wanted to spend some time with her alone. And so we’d go out together frequently whether to the theatre, the opera or a concert but also make sure that we’d eat out either before or after so we’d have some time to have a real conversation away from the distractions of work, home or family.
I really believe that this has contributed to keeping our marriage as strong as it is. We’ve been having our “date nights” long before we’d heard that term by getting out and spending time one on one. This keeps our relationship fresh. In the 10 plus years we’ve been together we’ve never had one of those awkward moments when a silence descends over the dinner table where we find ourselves struggling to find a topic of conversation. Yes, Alex and I were incredibly lucky to each find such compatible partners, but we’ve taken that luck and run with it and now as parents know that although it sounds such a cliché, “happy parents make happy kids.”
 
Alex
Sometimes, despite all our stage-managing efforts, the kids win and we embrace that. One night while in St. Barths with the kids, we’d had a great night out. Late-afternoon cocktails in the capital with the kids playing around us, an early bite à deux followed by dinner with friends and finally dancing at Le Yacht. Our local babysitter that night was a friend we’d known for years as well and we chatted for a while upon our return. Finally, at about 3:30 a.m. we decided to cap the night off with a dip in the jacuzzi on the deck of our suite. As we went through to the deck we paused to admire our sleeping children and kiss them goodnight again. We hadn’t made any undue noise while doing so, but no sooner had we turned on the jets when we heard a small voice behind us saying, “May I come in the jacuzzi, too?” We turned to see a beaming Johan, very pleased with himself that he’d gotten out of bed and followed the sound of our voices. At that point what could we say? We helped him out of his PJs and let him clamber in. He gave us big hugs and kisses and said,“We’re a family in the jacuzzi!” It definitely ruined the moment Simon and I had been planning, but made room for one we’ll never forget.
 
Jacuzzi!
 
TOP 10 THINGS WE DO BECAUSE WE WERE HERE FIRST:
 
10. Take turns sleeping in on the weekend
9. If one of us needs to be somewhere after hours and we can’t get a babysitter the other will stay home with the kids
8. We spend as much of our non working time together as we can
7. Surprise each other even if itʹs just by cooking a favorite meal
6. When we both worked in Manhattan weʹd often try and meet on the subway coming home—gaining 20 minutes together.
5. Keep our ʺfrustration radarʺ turned on If one of us is about to crack at home the other steps in to corral the kids
4. We never ever talk to the other when they are reading or checking game scores Unless we’re trying to stir up trouble
3. Poke and prod each other to stay in touch with our friends
2. We don’t listen to people who have opinions on how we could run our relationship better It works for us and that’s all we need to know
1. Have passionate sex (Make love but make sure you still !& each other too!)
 
 
Chapter 6
 
I Saw Your Nanny… Being Normal?
 
Hiring Caregivers
Subject: All the Things You’re Doing Wrong
 
 
You have a bad child. You have a bad nanny, too. I hate my life and myself, so any time I have the opportunity to tear down other people’s children and nannies, I will. Children should be seen and not heard. They should sit quietly on sofas while drinking water so as not to potentially stain the white couch. Nannies should never take their eyes off a child for one second. Actually having a nanny at all makes you a bad parent. Mothers should stay at home and knit toilet lid covers while keeping their children pristinely clean. There should never be visible mucous near their noses, nor should a child’s clothes ever be dirty. If a kid has ice cream on their face, it means that they’ve had too much sugar and that no one cares about keeping them clean. They should be perfect, and if I ever see any behavior that isn’t completely congruent to my standards, I’m going to run home and write about it on
ISawYourNanny.com
or whatever that self-righteous, nosey parker website is called.

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