After beer and glasses of wine had been dispensed, they sat down and Heather took her time taking in the Dom and his sub. She recognized it in the small things. The way he touched Amber constantly. The adoration in Amber’s eyes whenever she looked at Hector. Only needing half a word before finishing the other’s sentence. The love between these two was so clear Heather could feel it in the air. This was a happy home occupied by two people who were made to be together.
Just for a moment, the sadness was back. A little sting in her heart.
“Heather, what’s wrong?”
Two voices asking the same question simultaneously made her smile and the pain faded away. She should have known she wouldn’t get away with stray feelings around two experienced Doms.
“I’m fine. It’s just that I recognize so much of what I had with Darren in you two.” She nodded at Hector and Amber. “It was the same, only much stronger last night.” She swallowed. “About last night. I apologize if I disrupted your scene. If I’d known I was going to react like that…”
“No need to apologize. You didn’t disrupt anything.” Hector hesitated. “While I hated seeing you in pain, it is always gratifying when our displays touch people.”
She thought about it and nodded. She wouldn’t have reacted last night if it hadn’t been for the obvious connection between the two players. Heather wasn’t sure why the knowledge made her feel better but it did, and she felt herself relax. “I’ll stop worrying about it then.” She shook her head. “Still, I’m glad you’re taking it so well. I’ve seen some Doms lose the plot over the slightest disruption while they work.”
“You know there are reasons for that, Heather. Distracting a Dom at the wrong time can have disastrous consequences for the sub.” Jason’s voice was stern.
“She didn’t interrupt the scene, Jason. Let’s not create problems where there are none.”
The more time she spent with Hector, the more she liked the Dom with the voice of reason.
Hector continued. “Besides, you’re both right. There are good reasons for frowning on interruptions, just as there are Doms out there who completely overreact when it does happen. Let’s leave it there. Jason, why don’t you give me a hand with the barbeque? We’ll leave the ladies to their drinks.”
* * * *
“Wanna talk about it?”
Jason tore his gaze away from Heather and looked at his friend. He wasn’t surprised Hector didn’t waste any time before getting on his case. “Not really.” He stared at the glowing coal as Hector put steak and chicken on the rack.
“What happened with Heather last night?”
“Not my story, Hector. Not for me to share.”
He hated keeping his friend at arm’s length, but he just wasn’t ready to talk about all the doubts and confusing emotions running through him. If he started talking about Heather, he’d eventually end up having to admit to his own feelings.
“Fair enough.”
Hector studied him and for a moment Jason knew exactly what it had to be like to be submissive. He almost wanted to open up to this man.
“You going to tell me what’s up with you then? You haven’t been yourself for weeks now.”
Jason sighed. “It’s complicated.”
Boy was it ever complicated. It had been straightforward until Heather had walked back into his life. He’d been ready to admit defeat. But now…he didn’t know what he wanted or needed anymore. All he knew was that he craved Heather, that she made him feel things he’d thought he would never experience again. He had no idea how to deal with all the conflicting feelings.
“And not something I want to talk about now.”
Or ever
. He couldn’t see himself ever admitting to having lost his drive.
“You know you need to talk, Jason. Don’t be a fool. Don’t shut yourself off.”
Hector’s voice sounded both stern and encouraging. Sometimes Jason felt like hitting the man. Why did he have to be so damned reasonable and almost always right?
“I know. Damn it, I do know. Just not now.”
Jason glanced away, focusing his attention on Heather and Amber, who were talking and smiling. Both women looked beautiful and relaxed. This was how Heather should be all the time, happy in her skin and at ease with the world. He couldn’t quite believe this was the same woman as the nervous creature who had walked into his office only yesterday.
Hector’s voice brought his attention back to the Dom next to him.
“I’ll let it go for now. But, Jason?”
Something in Hector’s voice warned him he might not like the man’s next words.
“I’ve known you for over a year now and I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you’re looking at Heather. Whatever is going on, don’t be stupid. Don’t ruin it out of some idiotic sense of pride. And find me when you’re ready to talk.”
Jason nearly growled. The bastard didn’t even say ‘if’. ‘
When you’re ready to talk’
, as if it was a foregone conclusion. Keeping his thoughts to himself, Jason just nodded.
“I think that meat is ready to be eaten. Let’s join the girls.”
Maybe he was a coward, he just didn’t know anymore. He couldn’t talk about things he hadn’t worked out for himself yet. He’d get there. And when he did, he would talk—or not.
“Heather.”
The dominant tone in Hector’s voice took Jason by surprise. Heather had obviously picked up on it as well. Her reaction was as instant as it was automatic. Her eyes were down, her shoulders back and a small smile touched her lips. Then she was out of the zone again. Just like that.
“Yes, Hector?”
“Tell me about last night. What happened? I hate that we upset you.”
Jason held his breath. Would she open up and talk about her feelings with the three of them? They were virtual strangers. She’d no real reason to trust them with her emotions. He watched her intently as she looked from Hector to Amber and finally rested her gaze on him, clearly coming to a conclusion.
“You didn’t upset me, Hector, although the scene did unsettle me. You woke me up.”
Surprise, relief, shock flashed across her face, betraying her every emotion. He saw the big breath it took for her to continue and relished her smile when she found the courage.
“You two reminded me of Darren and me. It was the first visual reminder since he died. It shook me.” She shrugged her shoulders as if it wasn’t anything big.
For a moment he thought she’d leave it there.
“It was so beautiful. A reminder of what I used to have and a confirmation of all I’ve lost.”
“I’m so sorry, Heather. If I were to lose Hector—” Amber’s voice was a whisper and the sub’s eyes were filled with tears as she glanced at her Dom. “I don’t know how I’d go on living.”
“Neither did I.”
Heather’s honesty astounded Jason. Maybe she needed to work it all out for herself in the company of people who hadn’t known her husband.
“But last night and this morning—after I’d calmed down—I realized something.” Suddenly her smile was bright. “I’ll always have those memories, and I’ll always treasure them. But I can’t live my life on old memories.”
For the second time he thought she’d reached the end of what she wanted to share.
“And?”
Anger flared in Jason. Who was Hector to ask Heather all these questions and force her to share her pain? Without thinking about it, Jason picked up her hand and stroked his thumb over her soft skin.
“Enough about this. We’re supposed to be having a fun and relaxing dinner.
All
of us. Lay off the third degree already.”
Heather squeezed his hand. He looked at her. She was fine. She didn’t appear to mind. It was as if she was lighter. As if someone had lifted a weight from her shoulders.
“If I’m going to live rather than exist, it is time to start treasuring the memories I have while opening myself up to new ones.”
Jason would have been hard pressed to name the emotions running through him. She wanted to make new memories. Surely that meant she didn’t regret what had happened earlier. He knew what he wanted. Her, in his arms, in his bed, under him, above him, around him. And so much more. He wanted her on her knees, submitting to him, trusting him to give her everything she needed. If only he could trust himself, things would be perfect.
He felt more than saw Hector staring at him and ignored it, digging into his juicy steak instead. “This is great, just what we needed after an afternoon of party planning.” He was well aware he was less than subtle in his change of topic, but
fuck it.
The personal stuff had gone more than far enough. “You and Amber still up for one or two exhibitions during the weekend?”
Chapter Eleven
Heather took comfort from Jason’s arm around her shoulder. The garden at night took her breath away. The low lights, evenly spaced along the various meandering paths, gave her surroundings an almost mythical glow. It was as if she’d stepped into another world.
Heather wasn’t sure what to make of her sudden transformation. Only yesterday she’d been scared and sad. She didn’t know why she suddenly felt her life was once again filled with opportunities, but she embraced the feeling.
She’d occasionally wondered what moving forward would be like. And she’d been sure she would feel as if she were betraying Darren and their shared past. Now the moment had arrived, it amazed her how easily she’d slipped into this new phase of her life. She was excited. She’d even admit to being a little scared. The good kind of scared though. The scared you feel when you’re about to take a step into the unknown. The kind of excitement she associated with new opportunities.
It had been a strange but wonderful evening. She would never have believed she could open up to strangers the way she had done. But Jason wasn’t really a stranger, and Amber and Hector felt familiar, as if she’d known them for a long time. She was grateful Hector had forced her to put her emotions into words. She hadn’t realized it was all about memories, old and new. But it was true. She’d never forget Darren. She’d never regret a single moment she’d spent with him, and there would always be occasions when she’d wish he was with her. But she was ready to create new memories without him, to live again. As he’d known she would be. As always, he’d known her better than she did herself.
“Heather, look at me.” Jason lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. She’d been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t noticed he’d steered them off the path into what appeared to be a pergola. There were flowers everywhere, at her feet, climbing up the posts of the structure around her and blooming over her head. The perfume surrounded her as if it held her in a sweet embrace.
He looked straight into her eyes as he softly touched her face. She couldn’t stop herself from leaning into his hand as he stroked her cheek and pushed her hair behind her ear.
“I want you.”
His voice was gruff, and where she would have expected to see confidence, she encountered doubt.
“I know. I want you too.”
“You don’t have to do this, Heather. We are probably going too fast. I don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret.”
For a moment, doubt filled her. “I don’t think I’d regret being with you. I feel ready. But, Jason, you don’t have to. I know I’m a mess. The kisses don’t mean we have to go on if you don’t…”
His mouth was on hers before she could finish the thought. His lips attacked hers, fierce and demanding. She parted her lips without thinking about it, wanting, needing more. He withdrew. Heather felt like screaming.
“You broke down last night and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t want to hurt you again, Heather. Tell me to stop now if you’re not sure.”
She knew he wouldn’t kiss her again until she’d reassured him, but at least his arms were still around her. Resting her head on his chest, she took a moment to listen to his heartbeat. She had to find a way of explaining her turn-around to him.
“For eighteen months I’ve kept my grief close. I lived it. Loss was my whole life. Everything I did, everywhere I went, my pain was with me, holding me tight. Grief became the faithful companion Darren had been when he was alive.” She stared into the darkness. “Last night was a wake-up call. You know how sometimes when somebody is hysterical you slap them to snap them out of it?”
She felt the slight nod of his head.
“Last night’s meltdown had the same result. Watching that scene took me out of my comfort zone. It showed me everything I’ve been missing. It made me realize I can’t live without intimacy for the rest of my life.”
She was tempted to stop there, but didn’t want to give Jason reasons to think she was using him to get back into the scene.
“My body has been reacting to you since the moment I recognized you in your office. I didn’t want it to then and tried hard to deny it to myself, but my reluctance doesn’t make it any less true.” She forced herself to lift her head and look at his face. “I want this, Jason, with you. I can’t explain it, but somewhere between my meltdown and now, I’ve made peace with the past.”
She listened to herself with wonder, suddenly aware she needed this explanation as much as Jason.
“I’m ready to leave the past where it belongs. I want to start the future. I want…need you to take me there.”
His mouth was back, softer this time. His lips exploring, the tip of his tongue teasing. She pushed her own tongue out and stroked back. She felt both their bodies shudder and relished the sensation.
“Not here.”
He sounded as breathless as she felt.
“Come.”
She wasn’t aware of the gardens as he walked her, as fast as her heels allowed, back to the house and through the corridor. People were just vague forms as they rushed to the elevator.
When the door to his apartment closed behind them, Heather was breathless. Whatever air she still had left her lungs when he turned her, pushed her against the door and attacked her lips with his again. Those lips…stroking, pulling, the soft nibbling of his teeth, his tongue on hers, twirling, teasing, inviting.
Heather closed her eyes and surrendered to the sensations, grateful for the arms holding her up since her legs didn’t feel strong enough to support her. She swayed in his arms and couldn’t stop the moan escaping her mouth. His tongue pushed in and out of her mouth, reminding her of all the things that tongue could do to other needy parts of her body. Her already over-sensitive vagina pulsed with desire. So long ago…too long ago…so good.