There are times I wished I didn’t know you so well. I know exactly what you would tell me to do if you were here. And I hate you for being right. Of course I should be honest with Jason, give him the opportunity to deny he’s attracted to me, a chance to decide for himself if he wants to see what would happen if we did move forward. I KNOW IT’S ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION, DARREN. There’s no need to remind me. All right, maybe there is. I’m just not sure I’m brave enough to initiate that conversation. I may not be strong enough to deal with the rejection that might follow. I don’t think I’m ready to deal with the emotions going forward would unleash.
Darren, for the first time ever, writing to you has not provided me with the answers I need. I’m still no clearer on what I want or need to do. And I guess that means Jason was right. I need to sleep on this day and see how I feel in the morning. How did I end up with two men in my life who think they know it all?
Frustrated, Heather closed her laptop. Writing it all down should have helped her. She’d expected to have a clear plan of action after committing her thoughts and feelings to her laptop. It had always served her well, but not today. This day of all days her sure-fire solution had failed. And, to make matters worse, she’d admitted to feelings she’d been trying hard to ignore and, when that had failed, deny.
Barely aware of her movements, Heather walked to her suitcase and opened it. She stared at the big pink vibrator she hadn’t unpacked earlier. She was so hot. She could still hear the woman’s moans in her ears—the images of her riding that dildo, the ecstasy when she came, the love in her Master’s eyes as he’d kissed her while she climaxed. Heather couldn’t shake any of them anymore than she could ignore the feelings sitting in Jason’s lap, feeling his lips on hers, had awakened.
This was a need she
could
deal with though. It wouldn’t be the same as having a body close to hers, it couldn’t take care of her need for skin-to-skin contact, but it might just take the edge off her desire.
As she shrugged off her pajamas and threw herself down on the bed, she didn’t need to check her pussy. She knew she was wet, open and ready. She moved the vibrator between her folds, not turning it on yet, just getting it lubricated with her juices until it was slick. And still she didn’t enter the head into her yearning vagina. She pushed the button and shivered as the vibrations traveled through her folds, bucked a little every time she allowed the vibrator to tease her clit.
Her mind started wandering. The hands holding the vibrator were no longer hers. She could hear Darren talking to her, teasing her as her need grew. Darren’s laughter rang in her ears as he asked her what she needed. His voice telling her not to come once he started fucking her with the vibrator, making sure the little rabbit ears hit her clit just that way every single time, was familiar and welcome. She heard herself begging Darren for permission to come when her need grew too strong. His voice in her ears was loud and clear as he said those words she’d heard so often in the past. The words she treasured and would never hear again.
“Give it to me,
coinín
. Show me what you’ve got.”
With one hand lodged between her teeth and tears once again streaming down her cheeks, Heather screamed his name in complete silence, unable to repress the thought that this orgasm had also been a form of goodbye.
Sleep came swiftly after her release. Her mind and body were both exhausted and more than ready to flee to the safety of oblivion. Exhaustion, however, didn’t result in a peaceful night. Images of the couple in the playroom haunted Heather and whenever they faded, Darren would be there. Darren as he played with her, Darren in full Dom mode, Darren at his sickest, Darren in his coffin, Darren fading, morphing until… Jason looking down at her with his dark eyes. Jason kissing her lips.
When her alarm went off, she was more than ready to leave the dreams behind and face the day, even if it meant deciding whether or not she could stay here and explore all the new emotions assaulting her.
* * * *
Jason thought he might be losing his mind. He didn’t think he’d manage to sleep. He couldn’t get his mind to shut up, couldn’t stop cursing himself. It didn’t matter that Heather thought he wasn’t to blame for the night’s fiasco, he knew better. It was his duty, his job to know what he was doing, to keep his subs and his clients safe. And he had failed.
He’d walked straight from the door to his bedroom. One look at his bed told him he was in the wrong place and he walked out again. He could hear the whiskey bottle whispering his name but knew one glass could easily turn into a full bottle and he needed to be clear-headed tomorrow morning. He went to the kitchen and turned on the kettle. A cup of tea, the Irish answer to every problem, would have to do.
He should never have mentioned the exhibition to her, should have refused to take her to see it. Why hadn’t he picked up on her distress earlier? If he’d walked her out of there the first time she’d tensed up, none of the rest would have happened.
Now Heather thought she wasn’t up to working with him. She thought she had to leave when all she’d been was brave, and kind and all too generous. It didn’t matter what she said. He knew it had been his responsibility to keep her safe, and he had failed.
When the kettle boiled, he poured the steaming water into a mug, added a teabag and some sugar and waited for the liquid to the turn the right shade of red. Sitting down at the kitchen bar, he allowed the fragrant steam to blow into his face while his thoughts continued to spin through his head.
At least he now knew why his body had stopped reacting when he played with subs and why he had lost all interest in dominating. His body knew what his mind had been slow to cop on to. He couldn’t be trusted to do his job. Whatever it was he used to have that allowed him to read women, to anticipate their wants, needs, desires and boundaries, had been lost somewhere along the way. He’d have to figure out how to run this place without participating in the scenes. It wouldn’t be easy and there would be questions, but it had to be possible. If he didn’t—he shuddered at the thought—he might well end up causing real harm before too long. He’d never allow a so-called Dom as insecure as he was right now, to play with one of his subs. The conclusion was easy. He didn’t have the right to break his own rules.
The decision brought him a sense of relief. He’d no idea what his life would look like without the BDSM dynamic, couldn’t quite imagine not being in total control. But he could learn. Surely he’d be able to adjust. He might even find a way of enjoying vanilla sex and ‘plain’ relationships.
Of course it had never worked for him in the past. But that had been before he’d lost his drive as well as his instincts. Without those he was no different from any other vanilla male. Forgetting about the high he used to get out of being in control had to be easier than living with the risk of doing serious harm. His choice had been made. It wasn’t easy, but it was for the best. It would be one thing less to worry about, and God only knew how badly he needed fewer things to worry about.
He nearly burnt his tongue when he took the first sip of tea. It felt appropriate. He deserved the pain. Still restless, he got up and walked into the living area and sat down on the couch only to get up again and pace around the room.
Heather.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the woman. Ever since she’d walked into his office, his mind had been buzzing with images of her. Even now, just thinking about her, remembering those eyes as they’d looked into his before she’d lowered her gaze, his cock stirred in his pants. He couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t felt anything close to lust in months only to have the sensation return to him the moment he decided he had to give up on domination.
He wanted Heather badly, so much more than he’d wanted her twenty years ago. He’d no idea where the thought came from, but if there was a woman he could be vanilla with, it was her. And there was one of his problems. She wasn’t vanilla any more than he had been. Even if he could convince her to stay, even if he managed to seduce her, he probably wouldn’t be enough for her, not the way he was now.
Walking around his apartment without spilling his drink proved hard but he managed. The lack of clutter and unnecessary furniture helped. He stopped for a moment and looked around, trying to imagine what his rooms would look like to Heather. Masculine, without a doubt, but would she like that?
He was getting ahead of himself. Right now he shouldn’t be worrying about getting her into his bed. He needed to make her stay. He had to convince her he required her help with this party, that she was the only one who could provide the necessary assistance. And it would be true. There were party planners a plenty. But only Heather specialized in BDSM events. She’d know most, if not all, of the guests he’d invited. Only Heather would be able to give him information about these people. There would be so many Doms walking around The Blowhole that weekend, he needed to know who he could trust, who he had to be careful around, which among them had delicate egos and whether any of them were likely to try and take over proceedings.
Would it be enough if he just asked her not to leave? If he told her she didn’t need to watch another demonstration, wouldn’t have to be involved in the activities during the weekend beyond supervising. If he were to be honest and told her how much he required her help, could she be persuaded to stay? He wasn’t beyond begging. He’d even admit to the attraction he felt for her if he thought it would help his cause.
His smile was wry as he sat down again and drank the finally cool-enough tea. If he mentioned how much he wanted her, she’d run without waiting for him to finish his sentence. And he wouldn’t blame her. He’d never let anybody down as badly as he’d failed her this evening. He’d been so caught up in the way his hands felt on her body, the soft curves of her hips, the way her breath had quickened as the scene unfolded, he’d completely forgotten to pay attention to any warning signs. Surely there had been warning signs?
He glared at his phone as it rang, before answering. “What?”
“Whoa, Jason, easy man.”
Hearing Hector’s voice send shockwaves through Jason. The Dom had never called him before. Why would he when they lived on the same grounds? Something had to be wrong. Jason nearly groaned. Not something else to add to his list of disasters.
“What’s wrong, Hector? Why are you calling me?”
“Just checking you and that gorgeous young lady are all right. I saw you leave. The beauty appeared distressed.”
And didn’t things just get better and better.
Not only had he fucked up, no, he had to do it in such a way it was obvious to everybody else as well.
“No, I’m not. She’s not. Jaysus, Hector, I completely fucked up and I’m not sure how to fix it.”
He considered it. For a moment he was tempted to just let it all out. If there was anybody he could confess to, it was Hector. He trusted the Dom with his life. But he was also the man’s employer. He couldn’t just drop his garbage on him.
“Bottom line, Jason.”
“Bottom line? She doesn’t think she can stay. I need her for this party and she’s planning on leaving in the morning.”
He should have known he’d never get away with only half the story.
“I’m sure there’s more to it than that, Jason. If that was the only issue, you’d find your way around it. I won’t ask though. I’ll tell you this—not that you don’t already know it, but clearly you need to hear it again—be honest with the lady. She deserves it. Honesty works wonders and is the basis for any relationship, work or otherwise.”
Jason sighed. Of course Hector was right, and it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know things were a lot more complicated.
“I know, Hector, and I will. She’s still here and we’re talking tomorrow over breakfast. I’d love to have the conversation in private, but don’t want to scare her any more than I already did, so I’ll be taking her to the restaurant.”
He thought for a moment, grateful Hector stayed silent and waited for him to finish. “I’ll find a way to convince her to stay. If it means putting her up in another hotel to keep her on the job, so be it. Thanks for calling.”
He wasn’t ready to admit it, but this voice of reason had arrived at just the right time.
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do, Jason. And go to bed. Sleep. Nobody thinks clearly or operates well when exhausted.”
Jason nodded before realizing the man couldn’t see him.
“I will, Hector. Thanks again.”
Hector was right, of course. He did need to sleep. He needed to relieve some of the tension first. A shower, some lotion, those images of Heather flashing before his eyes and his hand would take the edge off. He would find a way of convincing her to stay. The alternative was unthinkable.
Chapter Seven
She was ready when she heard the knock on her door. Well, she was awake, showered and dressed. She still hadn’t made up her mind about leaving or staying. It would be so much easier to just leave. There’d be no tension, no revisiting of memories she’d rather avoid and no tempting Doms to confuse her dreams. Of course there would also be no more business and she would have to live with the knowledge she’d broken her promise to Darren.
What she really wanted was to hide here, in her rooms. Look out of the window, enjoy the view of the ocean, lose herself in the colors of those little rainbows appearing and disappearing in the spray. Another knock on her door ended the daydream.
“Heather, are you there?”
She squared her shoulders, took a deep breath and stepped forward to face the inevitable.
She opened the door and looked up into Jason’s tired features.
“Jason, you look exhausted.” She shook her head at her own stupidity. “I’m sorry, Jason. Good morning.”
His tired eyes seemed to be filled with something resembling fear.
“Morning, Heather, how are you?”
The disappointment surging through her when he didn’t follow his greeting with a kiss took her by surprise. She didn’t think about it, just got on her toes and planted a light kiss on his cheek.