What she wouldn’t give to be able to talk to Darren for a moment. He would have known. She stopped. Waited. Surely there’d be a stab of pain? A flash of guilt? Nothing. There was a sense of ‘if only’ but it didn’t hurt, not the way she would have expected. She loved her husband with all her heart, would always love him, no matter what happened in the future. But it was as if he’d found a new place in her heart.
She could almost visualize it, Darren moving from all of her heart into a corner of it. A place forever his, where he would stand guard over all the memories they’d created together, where he would be ready to help her when doubt overwhelmed her. She didn’t need to talk to him. She knew only too well what he would say. He’d told her before he died, he’d told her in her dreams, and he’d allowed Jason to take his place in her dream recently. She had his blessing. She might not be sure of anything else but didn’t doubt he would approve of her actions. If only she had a way of knowing Jason’s thoughts. She hated this insecurity and was afraid to go and look for answers.
She shook her head, annoyed with herself for allowing her mind to go into overdrive. Maybe he just hadn’t been able to go back to sleep and had gotten up, afraid of waking her. She didn’t know him well enough to determine whether or not his behavior last night had been typical. He didn’t know her well enough to know what she wanted or needed and might have been conflicted. Her bloody meltdown was bound to have made him weary and careful. Besides, she’d only been here for three days. What did she expect? A declaration of undying love? She had to stop thinking and find Jason. She sighed. Underwear would have been nice but she’d no idea where her clothes had gone. She felt somewhat vulnerable in only this rather short robe. And she had to stop stalling.
She turned away from the mirror, walked to the door and opened it.
The living room appeared to be empty too. She glanced over the breakfast, set out on the table to her right. She couldn’t think of anything less appealing than food right now.
A draft of air teased the skin on her bare legs. The doors on her left were open, the balcony bright in the morning sunlight. And there he was. Standing at the railing, gazing at the Atlantic. He seemed lost in thought, with no idea she was here, looking at him, so she took a moment to drink him in.
A small smile touched her lips, despite her anxiety. There hadn’t been time to study him in detail. They’d been too fevered together. Sure, he’d had his chance to study her last night. But other than one glance in the mirror while he was still fully dressed, her eyes had been down or closed. He made for a gorgeous picture, especially now, in nothing but a pair of boxers. He was glorious—not very big, but a good head taller than her, with wide shoulders tapering down to a slim waste. His legs were long and well defined—he was a beautiful specimen. His always unruly hair stood up in tufts and made her smile. From the back at least he looked as well fucked as she did. The tiny dart of lust rushing through her body took her by surprise. Even looking at him had her hot and bothered and that was fine, except that it wouldn’t be if he’d changed his mind.
She shook her head, determined not to go over all her doubts and fears again. No time like the present to take the bull by the horns. Those clichés existed for a reason. She took a few hesitant steps and stopped on the threshold leading to the balcony.
“Hey there.”
The words shook him out of his thoughts and forced him to turn away from the view in front of him.
“Hey there, yourself. Sleep well?”
He sounded like a dork.
Why didn’t he do what all his instincts told him he should be doing? Why didn’t he walk to her, lift her chin and kiss her? He should still have been in bed with her. Should never have left her to wake up alone. God only knew what she might be thinking.
“Yes, very well, thank you.”
He hated the insecurity in her voice, detested himself for putting it there.
“I missed you when I woke up.”
He looked at her. So beautiful wearing only the housecoat he’d left out for her. He knew she wasn’t wearing anything else. He’d sent her clothes to housekeeping himself. She was beautiful and vulnerable. He didn’t want to hurt her and was convinced he’d already done so last night. If only he’d been able to restrain himself, to keep the Dom out of their sex.
“I’ve, ah, ordered some breakfast for us. It’s inside but we can have it here if you want.”
She tilted her head, as if trying to figure out what he was saying, as if his words hadn’t been clear.
“I’m not hungry, Jason. But I’ll have a cup of coffee wherever you want to have it.”
Grateful for the few moments of respite, he nodded and walked past her into his apartment, careful not to touch Heather. He’d have to talk to her. It wouldn’t be fair to let her think she’d done something wrong. But he couldn’t tell her everything. He couldn’t confess he was afraid she’d see all his failings if they went any further. Afraid she’d lose any respect she might have for him if she ever found out what was wrong with him. Most of all he was afraid voicing his doubts out loud would make them irrevocably true.
Picking up the large breakfast tray, he turned around and walked back. “You’ll have to eat something, Heather. It’s been a rather tiring night.”
Her weak smile proved what he’d already known. He wasn’t being funny, and only making her more confused by the minute.
“Listen.”
“No.”
He recognized the exact moment she made her decision.
“You listen. I don’t know what’s wrong, Jason, but if you regret what happened last night…” She blinked and looked off into the distance before turning back to him. “Or if what we’ve shared is enough for you, just let me know.”
“No.” He wanted to scream the word. He’d no idea how to do this. How could he explain enough to stop her from blaming herself without baring all of his soul to her? “Sit down. I’ll try to explain.”
“That’s not necessary. I’m going home today anyway. I’ve only been here for three days. You don’t owe me an explanation—or anything else.”
Her voice was steady, but he could still hear the pain.
Shit.
He’d forgotten she was supposed to leave today. She couldn’t leave. He’d never be able to fix this, to come up with a workable solution, if she went.
“You’re leaving?” Without thinking, he poured them both a cup of coffee and handed her one.
“That has been the plan all along, remember?”
“Yes, of course I remember. I’d hoped you would want to stay on, until after the party at least.”
He saw the frown forming and the first signs of real anger replacing the doubt on her face.
“You could have fooled me.” Her voice grew harsher. “After all, you couldn’t even bring yourself to stay in bed with me this morning. You made me wake up alone after everything we did together last night.” She shook her head. “And now you expect me to believe you want me to stay? Really?”
Her face was so expressive. The change from anger back to doubt mesmerized him.
“Please tell me you’re not playing games with me.”
No, he’d been wrong. It wasn’t doubt he was seeing, it was pain. He’d hurt her and continued to do so even now. He’d been so afraid of causing her pain and in the process of trying to avoid that, he’d made her feel rejected.
“No. I’m not playing games. I’m sorry I left before you were awake. I just…”
“Just what?”
“Needed to think.”
“About what, Jason?”
“About me, you, last night.”
He knew he had to give her something, even if he couldn’t bring himself to share it all. “I was afraid I’d gone too far last night.” The words exploded from his mouth. “I shouldn’t have gone as far as I did without talking to you first. I was afraid you’d wake up regretting your surrender to me. I thought you might wake up thinking about Darren and disappointed to find me next to you.”
He allowed the silence to settle. Sipping his coffee, he eyed the full Irish breakfast congealing on the table. He had to give her time to think about his words.
“And yet you’d no such doubts when I woke up in your bed yesterday morning.”
“That was different.” He answered the question before she could ask it. “Our first night together wasn’t as intense as last night. I don’t know. It felt different to me this morning. I was scared.” Every single word he’d said was true. It just wasn’t the whole truth. “I want you to stay.”
He wanted to add ‘please’ but knew it wouldn’t be fair. He had no right to ask this of her, never mind beg it of her.
He took the cup she held out to him and refilled it. There were so many things he still wanted to say, but he stayed quiet. If he couldn’t tell her the whole truth he had to stop here and hope it would be enough.
“I can’t stay.”
The pain stabbing him shouldn’t have surprised him, but it did.
“I only packed for three days.” She tried to smile but didn’t quite pull it off. “And I will be back in four days anyway.” She looked at him and shook her head. “What, you thought I was about to walk out on your party and our contract?”
“No, yes. I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.”
“You know what, Jason. I’m not convinced you’ve been thinking at all. You’re confusing me.”
Her gaze turned to the ocean and he had no problem imagining the turmoil in her mind.
“Okay, I’ll be honest with you. These two nights with you have been better than I thought they could possibly be. I didn’t think I’d be able to lose myself like that again, not without Darren, and I’m grateful you showed me I still can.” She frowned when he opened his mouth to interrupt her. “No, I want you to listen. I always had to go back home today. I didn’t come prepared for a two-week stay or for a party. I had hoped we might continue what we started after my return. I thought there was more for us to explore. But I guess I was wrong.”
“Heather.”
“I’m not done yet.” The anger disappeared from her voice. “Listen, I’m grateful you’ve shown me I’m ready to face the world and life again. I enjoyed my two nights with you and loved submitting to you last night.”
His shock at the words must have been visible. Her eyes were filled with questions as she continued.
“But I’m not strong or stable enough to play the will he-won’t he game with you. I can’t deal with you running hot and cold on me. I know I’ve been far more honest with you than you’re willing to be with me and it hurts.”
Sadness swept over her face and tore at his heart.
“So I’m going to go home and use the next four days to try and get my balance back. When I return, the serious work starts. We’ll have to be on the top of our game if we’re going to make this party work. I’ll gather myself together and I promise I’ll be the professional you need when I return.”
He hated himself. She went out of her way to make this as painless as possible, despite him creating problems everywhere she turned.
“What if I…we…don’t want to be just professional when you come back?”
Her sigh seemed to come from her toes. “I don’t know. We’ll find a way to make it work. We’re grown-ups, supposed to be able to control ourselves.”
He wanted to object, but knew he’d run out of excuses. She was right.
She stood up, looking deflated.
“I’m going to pack, say goodbye to Amber and drive home. I’ll find you before I leave.”
He watched as she walked away, admired the beautiful legs as they took her farther from him with every step. His mouth was working, trying to find the words needed to make her stay, but he couldn’t make himself verbalize them.
Heather
. He’d ruined it. Not because his fears had come true, but because he’d allowed those fears to stop him from being who he was, who she needed. He was a fool and a coward and he’d no idea how to fix the mess he’d created.
Chapter Seventeen
Pulling off the motorway, Heather breathed a sigh of relief. Nearly home. It had been a long drive, not made any easier by all the thoughts running through her head. Five hours alone with her memories and doubts had not been the best idea. Of course, not leaving would have been worse.
As she turned into Phoenix Park, her thoughts went back to her last hour in The Blowhole. She smiled as she saw the deer off in the distance near the column where half the population of Ireland had gathered years ago to see the Pope. She could do with some divine intervention right now.
Going to say goodbye to Amber before leaving had been a good idea and not only because she’d grown fond of the young woman over the past few days. She ran over their short conversation again. It had been reassuring to hear Amber say Hector had been worried about Jason’s behavior for a while.
It helped to know she wasn’t to blame for whatever Jason’s problem might be. On the other hand, it hurt that he wouldn’t just tell her what was wrong. She’d kept no secrets from him. She’d opened up about Darren. She’d had a meltdown in his arms and submitted to him. Had it been unreasonable to expect him to be honest with her in return? Maybe it was unrealistic to expect him to share his deepest feelings after such a short time.
She had no doubts about her decision to come home. She needed some time to sort out her feelings, to try and figure out what she wanted. She hoped it was also what Jason needed.
She remembered what he’d looked like when she’d dropped by his office before leaving. There’d been no fight left in him. He’d tried to talk to her and she’d cut him off. She’d said all she needed to say. The ball was in his court now. He would have to decide if he trusted her enough to open up, wanted her enough to be completely honest. Still, she did regret the short and chaste kiss she’d given him before walking away. It would have been good to feel his arms around her one more, maybe last, time. She felt safe there, with her cheek pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. She’d denied both of them that moment of respite.
Easy or not, it had been the only thing to do. Whatever did or didn’t happen next, she liked the man or maybe, if she was honest, more than liked him. She would love to at least stay friends. And that meant not complicating things even further by adding mixed messages of her own to the ones he’d been sending.