Live-In Position (56 page)

“Sophia?”

I pushed by him and hurried into the bathroom. With the door closed, I sat on the lid of the toilet and cried. I’d let her get to me once again.
When did I become this emotional wreck?

After twenty minutes, Collin knocked on the door, loudly. I worked on calming my sobbing and trying not to appear so distraught. One look in the mirror over the sink and I knew it was pointless. I splashed cool water on my face as Collin’s voice became loud and alarmed.

“Sophia? Sophia, what happened?” He knocked again “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I quipped. “I’ll be out in a bit.”

“Let me in,” he ordered.

“I’m fine, Collin.” I was too embarrassed to admit my emotional state and too irritated from knowing she’d picked out his bed. The bed I slept in every night.

Her comment only brought on a thousand images of
her
in that bed with him, the two of them having sex, cuddling, watching television, just being together in general. I didn’t want to think about it. It didn’t help matters when I instantly remembered her in the foyer, on her knees, going down on him. The tears pushed forth again.

“I don’t believe you. Let me in, please?” he begged and pounded on the door. I couldn’t respond. My hand was covering my mouth to stifle the sobs. “Damn it, I’ll break down the door,” he threatened loudly.

I yanked open the door.

“There are almost a hundred people out there. Stop shouting!” His eyes looked me over and worry deepened his brow. “I’m fine and will be out—”

“What happened?” He pushed me back into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. “Are you alright? Why are you crying?”

“I’m just emotional. It will be—”

“Why? What did she do? So help me I will kill that woman if she—” I covered his mouth.

“I shouldn’t let her get to me. It’s my own fault for allowing her in.”

“Please, talk to me.” His green eyes pleaded for me to open up.

I closed my eyelids and took a breath before I told him about my exchange with Grace. His green eyes darkened as I told him. When I spoke of the bed, his face changed into a mixture of anger and worry.

“I’m so sorry.” He pulled me to his chest. “My past puts you through so much.” He held me closer. “Tell me how to make it better. What can I do?”

“I want a new bed.”

APART FROM THE scene Grace made at the party and once she was finally out the door in miraculous recovery, Christmas went by beautifully. The first business day after Christmas, deliverymen arrived to remove and replace our bed. The disturbing images of Grace and Collin were replaced with a beautiful, wooden four-post bed. Just after Christmas, my publisher called to let me know my book was through the final and officially published copy. It hit store shelves just after New Year’s. I was excited and immediately shared the news with Collin that evening. He seemed happy for me, though somewhat guarded.

Allison still had not moved out of the house so Will and the twins were often part of our daily routine, mostly in the mornings and around dinner. It was nice to have company sometimes since Collin was often at the hospital or called away for travel.

I couldn’t explain it, but the more Collin traveled, the more irritated I became. He seemed to be fine with leaving for speaking engagements and seminars, but the idea of my leaving devastated him. I began to question once again if getting married was a good idea. What I wanted didn’t seem to be what he wanted for me, and it was becoming a challenge for me to come to terms with.

For New Year’s, Collin suggested a large party he usually attended, but I didn’t feel up to it. Things felt off. I tried to stay awake until midnight but just couldn’t do it. Uncommon exhaustion took over, and I passed out on Victoria’s bed before ten. The next morning Will laughed and teased me about Collin carrying me to bed by eleven. Will put Victoria to bed. I felt horrible.

Hoping to jump-start my sluggish body, I drug myself to the coffee pot for a second cup.

“Can I have more juice?” Victoria slid her plate into the sink, her cup still in her hand.

“Sure,” I mumbled and pulled the fresh cup of livelihood to my lips.

“Are you okay?” Will’s voice made me fully open my half-closed eyes. I nodded and swallowed the hot coffee.

“I don’t think I’m sleeping well.” I shoved the peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich into Victoria’s lunchbox. This had become her newest favorite thing to eat – every day.

“You don’t
think
you are sleeping well? You don’t know how you’re sleeping?” He looked at me with a half-grin.

“Shush,” I chuckled, “I sleep pretty heavily, but I still feel tired when I wake up.” I shrugged.

“Are you anemic?” He leaned into the fridge and pulled out two small bottles of juice for the twins’ lunches.

“I don’t think so.” I zipped up Victoria’s lunch bag and stuffed it into her backpack.

“You should go see your doctor.” He pulled out the bread and a container of lunchmeat.

“What’s e-nem-tic?” Victoria mispronounced.

“Anemic,” I corrected. “It’s when a person doesn’t have enough iron in her body.”

“Oh.” Her brow wrinkled.

“A person with anemia can feel sick and tired a lot,” Will further explained.

“O-oh,” she nodded in understanding.

It was my turn to drive that morning so after the twins finished eating, I took all the kids to school. On the way back home I received another call from my publisher. The unexpected call worried me.

“H-hello?” I swallowed hard and licked my dry lips.

“Sophia, you are not going to believe this!” Caleb screamed through my phone. “You are the luckiest author I have ever worked with. Your book was set up on the new release display at Strand.” His enthusiasm was contagious.

“Are you kidding me?” I gasped. Strand was such a large and popular bookstore, I couldn’t believe they had picked up my book for their display.

“That’s not even the best part,” he spoke eagerly. “It was also chosen for Family Hour Event at their store.”

“Family Hour Event?” Some of the embarrassment I felt for not knowing what he was talking about crept into my voice.

“It’s when the store chooses specific books to highlight the author and have them come in to read. Do you know how many moms and nannies take their children to these?”

“Uh…no,” I answered honestly.

“Just about all of them,” he laughed harder. He almost sounded crazed for a moment.

“So that’s good, right?”

“Sophia, it’s phenomenal. Your book is getting pre-orders!”

“It what?” I had to have heard him wrong.

“It’s already receiving pre-orders. Enough to make our first scheduled shipment sold out.” He was getting more excited by the moment. “Sophia, your book already has a waiting list. Other stores were sought out for the book and online purchases are skyrocketing. Do you know what this means?”

“That it’s a winner for the kids?”

“It means you’ll be getting a fax to sign so we can run a second edition publication. You also have to agree to come and do a public read. Please, Sophia. I know you are planning a wedding, but we just need five days. I can get Strand to set up a reading hour with you for two days and then we can get you out to a few of the smaller book stores to meet with readers and fans there too. We can push the printing ahead of some others and get the books pumped out within a month. What do you say?” I could hear his deep gasps of breath as he recovered from his long-winded speech.

“I, honestly, I would love to do it, but I need to think about this. There is so much going on and I’d have to make arrangements for…” I hesitated, “for my daughter.”

“Oh, of course. Please find out what you can do and let me know as soon as possible. Okay?”

“Okay.” I was laughing now.

“And Sophia…”

“Yeah?”

“Congratulations. You’re on your way, miss.” We said our giddy goodbyes and hung up.

I practically jumped out of my car to do a happy dance in the street.

C
hapter
T
hirty

-SIX

CONCENTRATING ON MY tasks for the day was impossible. After an hour at the house, I gave up trying and simply called my father. Carla answered the phone. I probably blew out her eardrum when I shouted my news.

“That’s fantastic,” Carla laughed out. “Rick, pick up the phone, hurry!” She moved her mouth away from the receiver, but I could hear her yell for my father. There was a click and some rustling before his voice came through the line.

“Soph, is everything okay?”

“It’s better than okay, Daddy! My book is published and featured at a huge store in New York. The first edition is already sold out, and they want me to go to the city to do a few readings and meet my readers.” I spoke so fast I barely understood myself.

“I think you just told me your book was published and it’s a hit,” he chuckled.

“That’s exactly what she just told you,” Carla screamed through the phone.

We talked a little longer, and with their hearty congratulations, we said our goodbyes. Hanging up I ran upstairs and opened my laptop. Sure enough there was an e-fax waiting for me. I printed, signed, and faxed it back. My next call was to Miranda.

When I told her the news she convinced me to meet her for celebratory ice cream. We met less than thirty minutes later. I filled her in on all of the details as we dug into our waffle cones like it was our last meal.

Her round stomach fit her so well, I couldn’t help but rub it. She frowned, slapping my hand away when she realized I was using her as a Buddha. I laughed and finished off my ice cream.

“I’m a little concerned about what Collin’s going to say. He isn’t too thrilled when I travel. This will be very soon and for a week.” I bit my lip nervously.

“Come on, he worships you. I’m sure he is past all of that and will support you one hundred percent.” Her smile was large enough to convince me.

After kissing her cheek and rubbing her stomach one more time, we parted ways. I ran a couple of errands before picking up Victoria and taking her to dance class. With my nerves on edge, I practiced what I was going to say to Collin while I waited.

“All done.” Victoria stood in front of me. I gasped and jumped. She giggled. “I scared you.” She laughed harder.

“Haha, goofball.” I tickled her sides and she squirmed away.

Taking her hand, we walked out to the car and headed for home. The closer we got, the more twisted my stomach became. Seeing his car in the driveway almost brought on hyperventilation. I parked and turned off the car.

“Ummm, are we going to get out of the car?” Victoria questioned my odd behavior.

“Of course.” I pushed open my door. She climbed out of the backseat.

Collin immediately met us inside. He knelt and caught Victoria in his arms with a large hug.

“How was class?” He tugged at her pink skirt.

“It was perfect.” She smiled up at him as he stood tall and grinned at me. I was about to vomit.

“Why don’t you go change out of your dance clothes, and I’ll make a quick dinner.” She nodded and ran up the stairs.

“Hi.” He pulled me into his arms.

“Hello,” my voice cracked.

“What’s wrong?” He pulled back and looked at me.

“Nothing. Actually, I have really good news.” His brow rose in curiosity. “My book was released
and
…is featured in Strand!”

“That’s wonderful, Sophia!” He hugged me tightly. “I’m proud of you.” That gave me the courage to finish the rest of it.

“They want me to come to New York for a week to do some readings in order to keep the interest in the book and—” His arms loosened. He took a step back. I couldn’t finish speaking. Hard lines filled his forehead.

“You’re leaving again, already?”

“Already?” I was flabbergasted. “Collin, it’s only a week, and it’s been a while since I last left.”

“Yes, but you said not until June.” His voice became harder.

“Well, I didn’t expect my book to do this well. At least, not this fast,” I countered.

“So you’ll already start traveling all the time?” His arms dropped from around me.

“I’m sorry if my happiness is such an inconvenience.” I pushed by him and went straight to the kitchen.

I was taking out a head of lettuce and some vegetables when Collin’s footsteps alerted me to his entrance.

“It’s hard for me when you are gone, I don’t mean to—”

“No,” I spun around and dropped the lettuce onto the counter, “you never mean to upset me, but you never stop yourself from doing it in the first place.” I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. “Collin, you go on trips all the time – you’re fine with it, and I’m fine with it – but the moment I need to travel for something you get all worked up. You’re being a hypocrite.”

“I am not a hypocrite.” The sternness in his face was matched in his voice. “You know why I get…concerned. It’s not something that I can just shut off.”

“I’m not Grace, and my life is not something I can just shut off either.” I picked up a large knife from the chopping block and began to chop up lettuce and vegetables, taking out my anger on them instead of him.

“We should talk when you aren’t so defensive.” He dismissed the conversation, but I immediately boiled over with anger.

“There is nothing to talk about. I’m leaving next week for New York,” I snapped.

“Next week? I’ll be away. What about Victoria? Did you even think about her?”

I slammed the knife onto the counter. My emotions took control of my body.

“Don’t you dare,” I growled. “When I got here, you could barely tell me anything about your own daughter. Don’t act as if I don’t care about her just because I need to go to New York.”

“But—”

“No, Collin. Did you even listen to what you just said?
You
will be gone next week. Yet for me to go somewhere, it’s a huge problem.”

“So you‘ve already made the arrangements for New York and for Victoria? You didn’t even talk to me about it first?” His fists clenched at his sides.

“Actually, no, I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter because I am going whether you like it or not. As for Victoria, I’ll make arrangements, or hell, I’ll take her with me.” I returned my attention back to the vegetables.

“Soph—” Victoria bounced into the kitchen and cut him off. He stormed from the room, leaving Victoria staring after him.

“What’s wrong? Are you fighting?” Worry filled her face.

“We just don’t agree on something. That’s all.” I forced a smile for her.

We made grilled chicken salads in silence before sitting to eat in the kitchen. Collin didn’t join us. I knew he was furious, but I couldn’t find it in myself to care. What I did find was a part of me that felt lost in his life.

Collin and I barely spoke, functioning around each other out of necessity for the remainder of the week. Neither of us wanted to be the one to break the silent battle we were in. I wanted to stand my ground with him. Having given so much, I deserved his support, not his insecurities that I had done nothing but try to ease.

The day of his departure for a speaking engagement in California, he kissed my cheek and left without a word. It infuriated me more, regardless of my own participation in this ridiculous silent battle.

I had decided to take Victoria with me so made arrangements with her school. The day after Collin left, we flew into JFK and got a taxi to our hotel.

Victoria and I spent the first day walking around Time Square checking out the sights. She was in awe of the jumbo-tron and FAO Schwarz toy store. We spent at least an hour playing with an oversized dollhouse and another hour in the Lego center.

Back in the hotel I was exhausted and barely made it through dinner. With the television on, I fell asleep in the bed next to Victoria. The next morning I woke with a horrible stomachache. Stumbling to the bathroom, I almost missed the toilet as I heaved up dinner from the previous night. Luckily, Victoria slept through my less than desirable moment.

I climbed into the shower and brushed my teeth. The muscles in my shoulders and stomach relaxed. Victoria stumbled in, grumbling, while I was rinsing out my hair. I left the water running so she could jump in before breakfast.

We walked down to the hotel restaurant. Both of us decided to order pancakes and bacon. My stomach rumbled in hunger as the smells of breakfast from other tables filled the air around us. That was until a large man at the table next to us received his Eggs Benedict. The moment my eyes saw the eggs wiggle, my stomach flipped, and I had to make a beeline for the ladies room. I could hear Victoria yelling for me from behind, but I didn’t dare open my mouth.

Slamming an empty stall open, I let it all out. There was nothing worse than dry heaving. My stomach tightened and constricted with no relief for at least five minutes.

“Mommy, are you okay?” Victoria squatted next to where I sat on the floor. I nodded.

“I think I might have gotten food poisoning from that burger last night.” I pulled myself up as I spoke.

After rinsing my mouth out with water and wiping my face, we returned to our table where our food awaited. At first, I was hesitant to try and eat, but the moment Victoria’s maple syrup hit her buttery pancakes, I forked a big bite and sucked it into my mouth.

“Don’t you want syrup?” Victoria giggled.

Nodding, I finished chewing as I poured the syrup on my plate. My stomach must have settled quickly because I ate four pancakes, three pieces of thick bacon, and a large glass of milk before we paid the check and headed for Strand by taxi.

The dark red awning around the store windows was the first thing to capture my attention. With its bold white lettering, there was no doubt that we were in the right place. We exited the taxi and looked up at the tall multi-story building.

“This is a bookstore?” Victoria turned and looked up at me.

“Yep.”

I couldn’t take my eyes from the display window in front of us. My book sat amidst other great novels but was on a raised platform of its own. Taking a deep breath to contain my excitement, we walked through the glass doors.

I inhaled the pleasurable scent of ink, paper, and leather. There were books everywhere – lining every wall, stacked at least six books high on tables throughout the store. People had to squeeze through the crowded spaces.

“Miss Ashwood?” I turned at my name and found an unfamiliar man before me. “You are Sophia Ashwood, right?” The telltale signs of embarrassment flushed his cheeks, worried he was making a wrong assumption.

“Yes,” I answered hesitantly. He released a breath of relief.

“I am Caleb Argonia, junior editor and publisher at Fine Print Publishing.” He stretched out his arm, offering me his hand. I shook it with a small smile. “If you’ll please follow me…” he began leading us through a labyrinth of book shelves, “we have a cleared space with seating for you to read today.”

We stopped before a crowd of chairs, already filled with people. My mouth fell open and a sound must have escaped because Caleb looked over at me. He smiled large.

“They have been waiting for over an hour,” he whispered. He gently took my arm and walked me toward the front. An audience of mostly women and children focused their attention on me.

“I thought the schedule said to arrive at eleven?” Worry filled me.
Had I messed up the times?

“It did, does,” he corrected himself. “They just wanted to make sure they got a seat.” He grinned. “The rest have to stand at the back.” Caleb pointed to a group of women, old and young, with children on their hips, in strollers, or standing next to them. My nerves tingled. I hoped the rush of adrenaline could be channeled into the reading I was asked to do.

“Welcome, Miss Ashwood.” A tall, lean woman stood smiling with her hand out. “I am Mrs. Bass-Wyden.”

“Thank you,” I breathed, unable to shake the shock of the large crowd. “It’s nice to meet you.” She smiled larger.

“It’s a lot to take in the first time.” Her eyes fell to Victoria who clung to my side. “And who is this lovely lady?”