Authors: Clare Lydon
I was beginning to get angry. I could see Matt was a little taken aback by my reaction and he wasn’t the only one. So this was how it was going to go down.
“How dare she. How dare she just waltz back in here and smile at me. She’s got a fucking nerve.”
“Did you tell her you worked here?”
“No but it’s a small world. I’ve told people back in Oz and she clearly pumped them for information. I mean, my mates wouldn’t have said anything but if you want to find something out bad enough, you usually can.” I sighed.
“Is there anything I can do?” Matt said. I shook my head.
“Want me to eject her, tell her she’s not welcome in these parts?”
I smiled grimly. “Yes please.” I sighed again and leaned my forehead into my right palm.
“I guess I’m going to have to go out there and face her.”
“Probably right,” he said. “I mean, you could stay in here and make the rest of the stuff for lunch but I have a hunch that even if you did that, she might come back another time. I’ve seen enough films to know that’s the way these things work.”
I dropped the tea towel I’d been clutching onto the counter-top.
“I’m not going to deal with this now though, we’re busy…” I said.
“That doesn’t matter…”
“…No, it does. She can’t just march back into my life and have everything on her terms. I mean, what the fuck is she doing in here before 7.15 in the morning anyway? That’s almost stalker behaviour.” I paused. “No you’re right. I’m going to confront her and tell her to do one.”
“Whatever you think,” Matt said.
I walked back towards the kitchen door.
“One other thing,” he said. I turned back to Matt and the concern was etched all over his face, his hair falling in his eyes. He needed a haircut.
“Just remember you’ve come a long way in the last year. This woman is from the past, so don’t let her drag you down.”
I pursed my lips and nodded.
***
I went back out into the café a few minutes later and Karen was sitting by the window, legs rested on the ledge, intently people-watching. She had a paper laid out in front of her but I knew she wasn’t reading it. Karen never read papers but she liked to be seen with them, she thought it made her look intellectual. I indicated to Matt that I was going over to her and he gave me a thumbs-up. The rush had died down somewhat so now was the best time to get this over with before the 8 o’clock rush began anew.
I wiped my hands on my apron and walked over to where Karen was sitting, trying to contain my nerves and act as if this was an everyday occurrence even though my heart was pounding in my chest.
“Hi Karen,” I said. I pulled out the stool next to her. She acted startled even though I was sure she’d been monitoring my progress since coming out of the kitchen. I had to remember she was manipulative. Lesson one.
“Jess. Hi,” she said. She broke into an unsure grin I knew all too well.
Her teeth were still straight out of a Colgate advert and her smile still lit up the room. Shame the morals and ethics behind it all were such a let-down. She was wearing denim shorts and a baby blue T-shirt and she looked fresher than you might expect, seeing as she should surely still be jetlagged. She seemed stumped as to what the social etiquette of the occasion was: how do you greet an ex-lover you broke up with so devastatingly in the past year?
I could see she was weighing up giving me a kiss or a hug but that wasn’t on my roadmap so I sat down solidly on my stool, making sure my non-verbal signals were clearly stating ‘Stay Away’. She seemed to get the message. Instead, Karen went into charm overdrive.
“It’s so good to see you, you look fantastic. And I love this café! It’s like the ones back home,” she said.
“Yeah it is.” I paused to look her in the eye. “And of all the cafés in London, you happened to pick this one by chance?”
She seemed taken aback and I could feel my face reddening. Damn my rushing blood and its inappropriateness.
“Well I… I emailed to tell you I was coming. I tried to call you too last night to see if you were free.”
My mind whirled.
“You tried to call?” So that was the number I didn’t recognise.
“Yeah. I called your mum first and she gave me your number.”
“My mother.” I sighed.
“But I emailed too and you emailed back,” she said. She was giving me her perplexed look.
“I emailed you back saying we really had nothing to say to each other. You made your feelings towards me perfectly clear last year.”
She frowned and licked her lips. Surely she couldn’t be this dim, to expect to waltz back into my life as if nothing had happened? My mind briefly wondered if she was a psychopath – I was sure I’d read about this kind of behaviour attributed to them in a Sunday supplement. It would explain a lot.
“Look, last year was last year. If I could turn back the clock I would – you were an amazing girlfriend and I was too stupid to see it. Especially seeing as Paula ran off with someone else three months later…”
“So if she hadn’t done that, you’d still be back in Oz and we wouldn’t be having this conversation?” I stuttered audibly as I said it, amazed at her audacity.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that…” she said. I shook my head and crossed my arms over my stomach.
“I can save you the trouble, anyway. You had your chance with me but you threw it away and as far as I’m concerned, that’s that. There’s nothing else to say and I don’t really know why you’re here – what do you expect to happen? I live here now, that’s it.”
“And I’ve got an English passport from my grandparents. I could live here too,” she said, her Aussie accent really pronounced, her level rising at the end of her sentence.
She’d clearly thought this out and expected me to be on-board straight away. What Karen wanted, Karen got and she wasn’t used to being told no. I knew – I’d met her parents who’d created the blueprint.
“What?” I said. “What are you going on about?”
I could feel my voice rising and I didn’t want to get caught up in her soap opera, not this early in the morning. So I shifted in my seat, took a deep breath and regained my composure.
“You dumped me, you slept with my flatmate and wrote me out of your life. Now I live here and I’m happy.” I swept my arm out to indicate the café and she obligingly followed its arc, looking around as silently directed.
“I love this job, I’ve got a good flat and I’ve met somebody else.”
I thought about Lucy, about her beautiful body lying in my bed, about the fact I was in love with her. Oh god, I was so in love with her. I felt guilty, like I was cheating by even talking to Karen.
“I still love you,” Karen replied, looking into my eyes. How ironic. I snorted, surprised at my bullishness. All my nerves had evaporated now, replaced with indignation. She really was something.
“You don’t love me, you just want what you haven’t got. If I flung myself into your arms, you’d be off looking for the next challenge. Because that’s what life is to you. A challenge.”
“I don’t know why you’re saying all this.” She looked hurt and confused.
“Maybe you should ask your therapist, I’m sure she could fill you in.” I sighed and got up. “And I don’t know why you’re here in my café before 7.30am. If you wanted to see me, why come now? Don’t you think it’s a bit weird?”
She shrugged. “My sleep’s all fucked from jetlag so I was awake.”
“Well go back to bed,” I said.
“I don’t want it to end like this.”
I shook my head and pushed the stool under the bench.
“It’s not ending like this, it ended nearly a year ago. That was it. Go back to your life in Sydney. I’m sure there are plenty of other suckers who’ll fall for you.”
She looked visibly wounded at that last comment and hung her head, defeated. For a brief moment I felt sorry for her, but then I remembered where I was and who I was with. Show no weakness or she’ll jump on it.
“You must have had quite a chat to my mum if she told you where I worked too.”
“Oh I knew where you worked – Tom told me in one of his ‘She’s doing great, leave her alone’ speeches. He gives them to me on a regular basis, you’ll be pleased to hear.”
I smiled at that as Karen pushed her coffee cup aside.
“Look Jess, I get it. I get that you don’t want me back, that you don’t want me around. But I’m here for the next two weeks and I’m back in London at the weekend. Can’t we at least meet for a drink? Just to chat, catch up.”
“I don’t…”
She held up her hand.
“And before you say no, I’m going back to Sydney. I’ll leave you alone after that. What do you think?”
“I think no.”
She looked crestfallen.
“I have to get back to work,” I said.
“I’ll give you some time to think about it,” she said as I walked back to the counter.
I turned and looked her straight in the eye and my stomach flipped. A part of me would always love Karen even after everything. However, I couldn’t show her that even though it killed me a little bit. Do we ever fully get rid of the taste of old lovers?
“Don’t bother. Have a nice life,” I said. I turned and walked towards the counter, catching my breath as I did and collecting some plates and cups to give myself something to focus on.
I don’t remember a time when I’d been so decisive and where I knew exactly what I wanted, with no doubt in my mind. I wanted Lucy, I didn’t want Karen and I wanted to look forward and not back. Matt eyed me as I made my way behind the counter and into the kitchen with the dirty crockery. I heard the till ping as he took the money from the customer he was serving and then he appeared in the doorway.
“All good?” he said. I put the dishes in the dishwasher and stood back up, feeling a little lightheaded as I did so. I nodded slowly.
“Yeah, I think it is.” I paused. “Can you check if she’s gone, though?” He poked his head out the door then swiftly returned, nodding.
“Then yeah, I really hope it is,” I said.
“Good,” he said. “I’ll say one thing though, you can really pick them.”
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Kate called to tell me she wasn’t coming to the evening of the wedding – her ribs were too painful and she was still looking less than wedding-friendly. It was 3pm on Friday and the lunchtime rush had died down. Beth had been clucking all day about her new man, although I noted she was still flirting with Artur – old habits die hard.
I took my mobile outside and leaned up against the alley wall to the right of Porter’s, having to plug my left ear with my index finger whenever the traffic became too loud for me to hear. I’d looked all over my mobile and I’ll be damned if I could find the volume control for phone calls.
Kate told me she was also staying put at her mum’s for another week, so I persuaded her to come to the barbecue with us on Sunday. She was only too pleased to say yes to this, being it meant she was there to witness my inaugural outing with a girlfriend at my parents’ house.
“Don’t. At least I can’t worry about that right now, I’ve got too much else to get through before that.”
“It’ll be fine. Ian will dazzle her with his burgers and Shirley will talk really quickly because she’s so nervous, perhaps even more than you.”
“Hmmm,” I said.
“Well, she might be.”
“Why you suddenly on her side?” I was frowning.
“I’m not, but you have to admit this is out of her comfort zone too.”
“Yeah, well, that’s Sunday. Before that I’ve got Julia to calm down and I’ve got to get the cake to the venue in the morning.”
“You made it already?”
“Yep, last night.”
“Take a picture – I want to see it.”
“I will.”
“Is Julia stressing?” From her tone she already knew the answer.
“Somewhat. She’s demanded I come over tonight and be with her – me and some of the hen party.”
“Bet Lucy’s thrilled with that.”
“Not Ange,” I replied curtly.
“Just saying. Has she uninvited her now by the way?”
“I hope so. Anyway, I’m leaving her in the hands of her bridesmaids after a couple of drinks and coming home to my lovely empty flat.”
“Charming!”
“I miss you really, you know that.”
“I know you’re lying through your teeth and you’re loving having the place to yourself.”
“Only a bit. I missed your bacon sarnies this weekend,” I said.
“Talking of Lucy, all going well?”
“Very well thanks.”
“I suppose I should be grateful not to be there to hear you shagging all the time,” she said. “One good thing about this accident is it’s taken my mind off my barren love life. Even the thought of sex makes my ribs ache.”
After finishing the call I pressed the red button, clearing my throat as I walked back into the café. Matt was on the customer-side of the counter pulling the sole few baguettes to the front, making the offerings look fuller after the lunchtime decimation.
“Listen, go home, we can tidy up,” Matt said as I stepped behind the counter.
“No it’s fine, I can help shut up.”
“I know but go and see Julia, get some rest and I’ll meet you here at nine to move the cake tomorrow,” he said.
He was clearly in full clean-up mode – I’d witnessed it many times – as now he picked up a damp cloth and began cleaning the milk spout of the coffee machine. He was the only member of staff allowed to do this as Beth and I burnt our fingers every time, so he’d banned us.
“If you’re sure. Tell you what, I’ll do it if you bugger off early next week in return. Deal?”
Matt smiled. “Deal.”
“How’s the cake looking by the way?”
“Still there,” he said.
“That’s a start. What you up to tonight?”
“Polishing my shoes and choosing my tie probably. Exciting stuff.”
I went into the back to grab my bag and then reappeared.
“Thanks for this,” I told Matt, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He was still cleaning the nozzle, a man obsessed.
“See you in the morning.” I paused. “See ya, Beth!” I shouted into the back. She called back a muffled response and I walked out of the café into the afternoon sunshine, glad to get some fresh air. The city was still sizzling in the sun, office workers abandoning their jackets, dogs with their tongues hanging out of their mouths as they tried to get moisture into their hot bodies.