London Harmony: Squid Hugs (13 page)

The next week rolled by quickly, mom was doing great and was ready to go back to work, and I'd be heading back to London in a couple days.

I had just hung up with Jen when I pulled up to my destination.  My heart was beating overtime and I was forcing another panic attack away.  I mumbled to myself, “I can do this.”  I parked and got out.  I remembered the exact location and just walked down the pathways and stopped at a long row.  I counted seventeen spaces in and stopped at the headstone that had the small marble cherub statue on it.

I ran my fingers over Ratiana's name and the dates carved deeply in the obsidian granite.  The tiny white flecks on its surface looked like a million stars in a midnight black sky.  The site was immaculate, and the stone looked just like it did the day of her funeral.   The second worst day of my life.

I felt the tears welling as I pulled out one of the two brass vases that slid into the base of the stone and turned it around and clicked it into place as I put the handful of violets I had brought with me into it.  Violets were Rat's favorite flower, and I had a hard time finding a florist that had some since they are so small and not so easy to incorporate into bouquets.

I patted the flowers feeling guilty.  I just sat on the grass in front of the headstone and then looked up to the trees overhanging this row of graves.  With a cute, mischievous grin on her face, she would have labeled these, “Trees not yet climbed.” 

I smiled sadly and turned to look at the trees.  One had a low hanging branch, not more than five feet off the ground, it stuck straight out from the large trunk and then turned to the sky after a few feet.  I stepped over to it then pulled myself up onto the branch to sit in the crook of it.  Thinking “Mischief managed.”  She had loved the Harry Potter movies so much.

I must have looked a sight sitting in a tree in a graveyard.  A woman wearing plum lipstick so dark it looks black, in a black leather dress, corset, and lace up boots.  I really didn't care what anyone thought.

I finally found my voice through the silently falling tears as I looked at the headstone.  “Hi, Ratiana.  It's me, Zil.  I'm sorry I haven't come before this.”

I smiled weakly and forced myself to continue, “I suppose you already heard, mom is pregnant, you're going to be a big sister now yourself.”

I choked back a sob and rasped out, “I really miss you Rat.”  I took a deep breath and centered myself and added, “I'm living in London now.  I have a lot of really great friends that treat me like family.  You'd really like them and I know they'd have loved you.”

I idly picked at a seam in my new dress as I confided in her, “I met someone.  Someone I want to always have in my life.  As a friend... or even more.  I just don't think she sees me the way I wish she did.”

Then I smiled and wiped tears from my cheeks and chuckled out, “I've had all sorts of adventures over the years I have been gone.  And included animals wherever I could, since like you always said, every good plan includes animals.”

I sniffed, smiled, and shared, “There was this one time, in New York, with the Staton Island Ferry.  People are still talking about it.  June had heard that...”  And I went on relaying all the adventures I had in college and with our makeshift band of friends, June's Eight.  Of my adventures in London and all of the new friends I have been making.  Of the amazing artists I have witnessed.  And of Jennifer, my impossible girl.

I voiced every fear I have had and every joy I have received, it felt cathartic to finally voice it all to someone.  I shared how I wished so much she had been there to share this all with.  I lost track of time,  I was leaning against the trunk of the tree as I softly spoke to her as the world started slipping into twilight.

I closed my eyes and yawned widely and stretched.  Then the thick tree branch moved and groaned in protest as someone pulled themselves up to sit beside me.  I looked over and wasn't surprised to see Isaac sitting there looking down at me.

He smiled and I smiled back.  Then he softly said as he turned to look at Ratiana's grave, “Your mother thought you might be here.”  He had pain in his eyes that he hid behind the wistful smile.  I couldn't imagine the pain he must shoulder.  I had lost my sister, but he had lost his baby.

I couldn't imagine the pain of losing your own child.  He had been mother's rock throughout the whole thing.  We didn't really think about it at the time.  He had always been so strong, unwavering, and that is how he was through arranging the funeral and comforting mother and me.  But I knew that behind that armor of comforting strength and assurance, that the man had lost his baby.  I know he must have cried when nobody could see him, he was so full of love for us all.  And now my heart ached for him.

I leaned into him and he put an arm around my shoulder and I laid my head on his broad chest.  We sat in silence for a couple minutes.  Finally, I murmured, “How long have you been here?”

He said, “Long enough to hear a few things.”  Then he tilted his head around to look at me and assured me, “She knows you loved her baby doll.  And she knows she won't be replaced in your heart by the baby.”

I nodded, hoping it was true.  Then he exhaled a deep breath and looked out over the graveyard as he said, “It is ok to be happy and want to be happy Zilrita.  And this Jennifer seems to make you believe that.  You need to stop hiding and be yourself.  You need to talk to her.  If she is truly your friend, she will still be your friend even if she doesn't feel the same attraction that you do.  People can surprise you if you give them a chance.”

I nodded.  I was a coward, though.  He, of all people should know that.  I redefined myself in high school after Rat's death, then I ran.  I redefined myself yet again when I started college.  And if I am honest with myself, I even redefined myself when I took the reins of London Harmony for June.  The evolution of Zilrita through the years.

Maybe I could redefine myself again.  I wasn't Jen's type, a rugged professional man in a suit, but maybe I could make myself more desirable to her.  I absently grabbed a handful of my shiny ebony hair and looked at it as I let it slip through my fingers.  I made a decision.  Yes, that is what I'd do.

He squished me to him and released and said, “Come on, let's get home, your mother has dinner simmering.”

I stopped him from jumping down with a hand pressed to his chest.  He looked at me and I said with all the earnestness in my soul, “Thank you, Dad.  For always being there, for always being strong for mom and me.  I know it must have torn you up inside and you feel her absence too.”

I looked down at my dangling feet as he said in a hoarse voice, “I feel it every day, baby doll... every day.”  He kissed the top of my head again and he slid off the branch and held his hands out and I slid into them and he lowered me to the grass like I weighed no more than a rag doll.

As he walked me to the cars, I made a checklist in my head of the things I needed to get done before I left for London.

Isaac asked, “I do hope this means we'll see you around more often now?”

I looked up and smiled and nodded and assured him, “You couldn't keep me away.”

He gave a genuine chuckle at that and said with humor coloring his voice, “I couldn't if I tried, Rita.  The women of this family are formidable forces of nature.  Why do you think I married your mother?”

I chirped out quickly as I wiped the drying tears from my cheeks, “Because she would have ended you if you didn't.”

He nodded and said in a mock-serious tone as we went, “There is that.”

I was bubbling with excitement, Zilrita would be here any minute.  She had called before she boarded her connecting flight to New York from Denver, and told me not to pick her up at the airport.  That I needed my sleep and the flight didn't get in until midnight.  That she would see me at work.

I agreed but then went to the airport anyway to surprise her.  There isn't much happening at London Heathrow that late at night, and I watched the passengers of the couple of flights that landed that late, wander out of the terminal to a couple of taxis and the parking structure.

I must have missed her because I didn't see her at all.  There were only a couple women and a man who took cabs.  She's hard to miss, she stands out like a shining goth beacon that makes me purr.

I went home and called and she chuckled, saying she was already home.  Well, drat.  How was I supposed to surprise her when the bloody sneaky bird got past me?  She spoke with me for an hour, until we were both drifting off.  Then before we said our goodnights, she said, “You'll have to find your own way to work tomorrow.  There are a couple errands I need to run first thing, but I'll see you at work, lady.”

We said our goodnights and rang off.  I had a fitful sleep, I was too excited to see her again.  I caught myself absently touching my throat.  All that was evident now was a little angry red line that would fade over time.  It was easily concealed with makeup.

I dressed in my finest suit.  The lavender one that Zil liked so much.  I checked my hair and makeup one last time, then smoothed my skirt as I headed off to the door.  I was so nervous that I was a little wobbly on my feet.  As I got into my car, my mobile buzzed.  I looked down and couldn't help but bark out a chirp of laughter.  June had texted, “I know you are nervous and excited, but just breathe Jen.”

I sent back a, “Smartass.”  I found a big smile on my face, June always knew just what to say.  Then I paused.  Wait, how had she known I was nervous?  I narrowed my eyes, the bint was teasing me about liking Zil again, wasn't she.  Even though I denied it, she and just about everyone else could see right through me somehow.  I thought I guarded it well.

Besides, I shouldn't be the only one excited to get our resident goth back.  The company had descended further into chaos this last week and only June and Annette seemed to keep us afloat and calm.  I'm pretty sure some people were close to tears with the extra work piled on everyone.

I must have smoothed my skirt a thousand times as I stood beside my desk.  It was a nervous habit I needed to break.  I would catch myself smiling and leaning slightly toward the door each time someone arrived for work.

I checked the time on my pearl watch, two minutes before the day started.  Where was she?  Zil was the most punctual woman alive except maybe for Mia Jacobs.  From what I hear, her internal timer was so accurate, it made even the atomic clock jealous.

Everyone was now accounted for except, my girl.  Then my heart skipped a beat as I heard the door lock buzz.  I started walking forward but stutter-stepped to a stop.  It wasn't her nor any other employee or artist.  How had the woman walking purposefully through the lobby gotten in?

I've said many times that Zilrita was the only woman who had ever turned my head and made me question my sexuality.  But the vision walking toward me had me swallowing like I did the first time I saw Zil.

She was maybe a couple inches shorter than me and was impeccably dressed in a high-end charcoal skirt suit with a pressed white blouse.  My eyes bulged as I recognized it as an Elizabeth Courtier original.  Her charcoal heels couldn't be mistaken for anything but Giuseppe's with their signature forest green soles.

Her long straight hair was this honey blonde that had golden highlights.  It was pulled back loosely to flow back over her shoulders with a charcoal headband.  Her expertly applied makeup made her look like a fashion model.  And the way her hips swayed.

My mouth was almost watering.  She looked so very familiar.  Something in the back of my brain was screaming at me to open my eyes.  I knew her but I didn't know how.

I remembered where I was and said as she approached me.  “Miss?  Can I help you?  Our studio is by invitation only.”

She didn't pause as she walked past me with a cute little smirk on her face as she reached up a graceful hand with professionally sculpted nails sporting a beautiful satin manicure to move her Ray Ban sunglasses down on her nose.

I caught myself drowning in eyes I knew better than my own, as the woman chuckled. “Don't be silly, Jen.  I'll be in my office if anyone needs me.  I'm sure June has made a mess of things.”

I had no words.  I just watched her walk past, elegant as you please.  My brain finally caught up with me and I squeaked out, “Zilrita?”  I watched her hips sway their way up the stairs.

I blinked in stunned silence for a minute before I said to myself, “Zilrita.”  Then I was suddenly self-conscious.  She hadn't as much as said good morning after being gone two weeks.  And... she didn't hug me.  I caught myself with my arms across my chest, intensely missing the hug that accompanied any encounter with her.

I reached up and rubbed my throat, she hadn't noticed.  Or maybe she had.  Was she finally not going to pretend that something about me bothered her anymore?  And what was with that getup?  It was gorgeous, but it wasn't her... was it?  It felt like she was wearing a costume.  I should know.

What happened to our resident smiling goth?  It was all almost the opposite of Zilrita.  The only thing that didn't seem fake to me was that hair.  Oh my lord.  I thought the raven black was titillating, but that golden honey was just, wow.  Was that her natural color?

I was knocked out of my thoughts by someone buzzing me.  I stepped behind my desk and physically stopped myself from smoothing my skirt again.  It was her. “Yes, Zil?”

She said efficiently in a calm, professional tone, “Please email me the revised schedules and any pertinent paperwork that will need my immediate attention.”

She rang off as soon as I gave an affirmative.  No banter, no teasing.  Who was this Anti-Zil?  Who was the mirror of Superman?  Bizzaro?  This was Bizzaro Zil.  Bloody hell.  Maybe it was just jetlag.  I had a million questions for her to ask at lunch.

From time to time, she called down with questions or for me to locate other documents.  She kept it short and on business only.  I was starting to wonder what I had done wrong.

I rang up at noon. “Lunch?  Cavendish's, or would you like pizza at Gertrude's?”

She answered with, “I'll just be lunching in the office.  There is a lot of work for me to catch up on.  June made a mess of my system here.”

Oh.  I said in a small voice, “Right then.  Did... did you want me to bring anything back for you?”

She said, “No, but thank you.  Have a good lunch.”  Then she rang off, leaving me sitting at my desk just blinking at the phone as the other workers headed past me to lunch.

I was stuck in that surreal shock the rest of the day.  All my interactions with Zilrita were just all business.  It was like the job was all that mattered and anyone speaking to her was just a distraction.  People were calling down asking me things like I should know what in the bloody hell was happening.  Like, “Who pissed in Zilrita's cornflakes?”  Or, “Why is Zil being such a slave driver?  And what is with the new look?”

I knew the answer.  It was me.  With the time apart, she had come to a decision about her opinion of me.  So she was distancing herself from me.  I rubbed at my throat and fought the need to break down crying.

At the end of the day, June, Vanessa, Fran, and Tasha showed up from the main office with nothing but grins on their faces and bounce in their steps.  Fran practically skipped up to me and said excitedly, “I'm so glad our squid hugger is back.  I thought London Harmony was going to burn to the ground.  We're here to welcome her home.  So how is she?  Is everything good back home now?”

I shrugged and fought back tears and rasped out,  “I don't know.  She won't really speak with me except for business.  And she looks... she's changed.”  I repeated in a wavering voice, shaking my head, “I don't know.”

June was there like magic, hugging me.  I took a deep calming breath and got myself under control.  I nodded at her and she smiled and released me.  Then she said, “She sounded overly nervous on the phone today.  We'll go out and celebrate her return and see if we can't suss things out.”

I nodded my thanks again.

It was closing time and employees started leaving, they all said goodnight to us as they left.  Then Zilrita came walking out to the lobby and stopped by us.  The women had looks of curiosity on their faces.  It was June who realized it first as she blurted out, “Zil?”

The doppelganger nodded, and said, “It is nice to see you all again.”

Fran almost danced up to her and opened her arms wide.  Zilrita hesitated then put out a hand.  Fran stared at her hand, then with a shocked, confused look on her face, shook her hand

Natasha looked the new Zilrita over to find new ways of identifying her since she was face blind and all her usual visual cues were now gone.

Vanessa was scowling at Zil, because of the hurt on Francine's face.

June stepped up and grabbed Vannie's hand before she could speak, and said with her head tilted, like she was studying the woman we all thought we knew, “Let's head out and celebrate your return.  You can tell us all about Denver.”

Zil hesitated, but replied as she patted the stack of paperwork she held in one hand, “Thank you, but I have some work to catch up on.  I can call you later to discuss things.”

She gave us all a tight smile and a single head bob then she stepped away and out the door.  Vanessa asked, “What the fuck just happened?”  As the rest of us were left in stunned silence, looking at the door.

Fran finally whispered toward me, “That... that was Zil wasn't it?”

I shrugged and answered, “I don't know.  That Bizarro Zil just showed up this morning.  I think... I think this is her way of distancing herself from me.”

June almost snapped, “That isn't it Jen!”  Then she calmed herself. “Sorry, didn't mean to snap.  I'll find out what is going on.  Just know that it isn't you Jen.  She didn't even give any of us a hug... and that new look. Something big must have happened in Denver.”

She looked around at everyone and stated, “I'll head out to speak to her.”  She gave a sad, apologetic smile to Vanessa as she added, “Alone.”

Vanessa just grabbed her hand, gave it a squeeze, and gave her a peck on the lips.  Then she turned to Fran, “You get to drive me home Small Fry.”

Fran jut nodded, still in a confused daze.

June forced me to look into her eyes and she smiled and said, “I got this shit.  I'll get to the bottom of this Bizarro Zil thing.  You ok?  Or do you want the ladies to keep you company?”

I wiped a tear away, which was threatening to fall, with a finger, then shook my head and said, “No, I'm right.  Thanks, J-Dub.”

She winked and signaled to the others as I armed the security system and followed them out as I told myself.  It isn't me.  June said it. Right?

Why don't I believe it?  Though it was true, she treated the others strangely as well.  And not hugging anyone?  That would have almost killed her before she left for Denver.  That was so out of character, especially knowing what I do now as to why she is almost obsessive about it.

I found myself missing my best friend.  Whoever came back from Denver wasn't her.