London Harmony: Squid Hugs (12 page)

I glanced up through tears as Isaac slid down the wall to sit beside me.  One large hand pulling me into his shoulder.  Then like he was reading my mind, he said in a deep, soothing voice, “It's ok, baby doll.   Luminita is not replacing Rat.  It is ok to open your heart to let another in.  That hole will always be there, where your sister was.  And that's a good thing, it shows you how much you loved her, and reminds you of all the joy she brought into your life.”

He kissed the top of my head and continued, “The heart is a funny thing, it can grow to include new people, there is always room without pushing someone else out.”  He pursed his lips. “Now I know I'm not your father, but...”

I slapped his chest hard and looked up at him, I was surprised how mad I was at him for saying that, I said sharply in a hoarse voice, “You're my dad!”

He tilted his head in apology and smiled warmly at me and continued, “I was so very proud of you, the way you loved your little sister.  Some siblings don't always get along so well, and sometimes an older child feels less loved or jealous at the attention a baby gets.  But not you, you were the best sister that little Ratiana could have wished for, and she loved you so much.”

Then he smiled sadly. “God saw fit to call her home too soon, but now there is going to be another little girl that is going to need her sister, need that shining role model.  I can tell you this, Luminita is going to love you so much as well.  And I know you'll make me proud again.”

I cried into his shoulder a little more, then got myself under control and nodded.  I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes on my sleeve and stood back up.  He grinned and put a hand up for help standing.  It prompted a smile from me and I rolled my eyes and pretended to help him up.

We stepped into the room and mom was thanking the technician, who was handing her some paperwork.  Mom looked first at me, then she smiled at Isaac.  She knew what he had done.  She looped her arm in mine as I said with a grin, “I'm going to have a baby sister.”

She licked her thumb then wiped under my eyes and said, “And I am going to have another daughter.”  She looked between her husband and I. “Lunch?”

In unison, both Isaac and I said, “At home.”

Mom exhaled loudly and said in resignation, “Poo, you two are no fun.”

I chastised her,  “Doctor's orders. Two weeks of bed-rest, not one.”  I pointed toward the parking lot and she marched off with us like a petulant child, which only got Isaac to give a rumbling chuckle.

There was a little spring in my step, I was going to be a big sister again... and I think dad was right, I have enough room in my heart for both of my sisters.

June was calling again from upstairs here at the Annex, or Lunar Base Two as Zil calls it.  “Jen?  Where the hell would I find the information on the packaging and radio promos for Rowan?”

I almost chuckled.  Zilrita had never taken more than a day off since London Harmony opened its doors.  She never would tell me why she never took vacations.  But here she had been gone just a week, and it was almost as if London Harmony was falling apart around our ears.

June came to the Annex to manage it while Vanessa, Fran, and Mickey tried to keep things running smoothly at the main office.  Even with four people doing Zil's job, they needed all the help they could get.  It was complete chaos, but I knew that June was actually reveling in it, she was one odd duck because she lived for a challenge, and the bigger, the better.  She excelled in this chaos.

I chuckled and typed on the touchscreen on the reception desk.  “According to Annette's database app, Sally sent it to you at the main office the day before she left.”  A twinge of guilt hit me when I said that.  I really needed to stop calling Zil, Sally.  After she shared the story of her sister with me, it must be painful every time I call her Sally and remind her of her sister.

June grumbled, “Shit.”

I chuckled and said, “I can print new copies from here since Annette makes everyone scan every single hard copy for the database.”

Annette seemed to be the only person who was unphased as the universe crumbled around the rest of us at London Harmony.  She was so organized in her head and her obsessive compulsiveness meant that she knew where everything was and where everything should be in her job.  As she always says, “A place for everything and everything in its place.”  I grinned, she was our go-to girl if we really couldn't locate some of Zil's work.

June said in a silly voice, “Yes yes, that would be great.”  Then she added before hanging up, “Zil really needs a raise, how did she do all of this without an assistant?”

I snorted.

I pulled up the required documents and selected the printer for Hector's office. Then went back to shuffling the recording schedule for the next week.  I was actually having fun taking on a lot more responsibilities than my normal job.

Then June rang again, I answered wryly, “Yes, oh great one?”

She chuckled then said, “Remind me to remind Zil to get this computer system to mirror the main office.  I sat there saying your name for like ten minutes before I manually buzzed you, forgetting we didn't have Zil's Cherry.”

I rolled my eyes, that sounded so wrong on many levels.  I sighed out, “Oh, not you too.  Don't encourage our goth by using that name.”  I could imagine the crinkled nose and stuck out tongue as she hung up.

I shook my head with a big smile on my face as I added the note into my system.  Then I paused.  Wait a minute, Zil had the system automatically connecting to me when someone said my name, just like she had set up for her?  Why hadn't anyone ever told me?  I grinned, it actually made me feel special, she didn't even have that set up for June.

Then I sobered. I couldn't believe it was possible to miss someone so much that your heart actually hurt.

I didn't know what to think when Zil had called late that night of our almost kiss in the elevator.  I hadn't been able to sleep at all that night, I had just been dwelling on that moment, wondering if I had read it correctly.  Then she was ringing me, I answered on the first ring since I had been staring at the mobile in my hand for hours, wondering if I should call her to talk about it.

My heart sank when she said, “I have to go away for a bit.  I don't know when I'll be back.  I'll call later.  Goodbye, Jen.” Then rang off before I could say anything.  Bloody hell.  I had thought I chased her away.  What had I been thinking in the elevator?  I was caught up in the emotions, but I knew that she had some sort of hangup about my situation though she would never voice it.  It hurt me that my best friend still hadn't fully accepted me.  And now I had buggered it all up.

When I had asked June in the morning what Zilrita had said to her when June showed up to run the Annex, she stated in a carefully measured voice, “She has personal business in Denver.”  Then after a slight pause she prompted, “You'll have to ask her yourself.”

I had closed my eyes and nodded to myself.  June was the staunchest of friends and would never share personal information about any of her friends, even with another, without consent.  I put her in a difficult spot as she was friends with both Zil and me.  So she answered in the only way she could.

I said as I nodded, “I understand.”

Then she asked me to lessen the awkwardness, “Lunch, Cavendish's?”

I had grinned and agreed.

I had left multiple unanswered texts and voice messages for her.  I thought that she didn't want to speak to me.  No, don't think like that Jennifer, she's on an international flight, she probably just can't call.

We really haven't had a chance to catch our breath after that.  In a trickle-down effect, just about everyone in the company has had to take on more responsibilities to cover for the people who are covering for Zil.  Only our overly shy Annette seems unaffected, like she is in some sort of personal temporal and spatial bubble.  I guess that's what being more organized than God can do for you.  I chuckled at the thought.

I dwelled a lot on the 'almost' in the elevator.  I had felt the heat of her breath on my lips and it felt so right.  I closed my eyes.

I was elated when she finally texted the next night.  I again couldn't sleep when my mobile buzzed, it was a text from her, “In Denver, mom was ill.  So very exhausted, will fill you in tomorrow.  Miss you so very much, lady. -Zil”

I hate admitting it, but I had squeaked out a combination laugh and sob as I instantly answered in relief, “Miss you too.  Ring when you can. -Jen”

I can't tell you how bloody relieved I was that it wasn't me that caused her swift retreat back to the States.  But then worry set in for her mother, and for what it would do to Zil if things did not go well.

I slept soundly after that, with the pleasant, recurring dream of just laying in bed with Zil holding me.  I loved that dream, it felt like... home.

I spent some time assessing myself in the mirror the next morning.  Trying to figure out if I looked attractive... feminine.  My friends always compliment me but they have to right?  That's what friends do, it's in their contract.  And I can't rely on mum and dad's opinions, they are clearly biased because I'm their child.

I looked from side to side, seeing my every flaw, seeing beneath the skin to my other failings and knowing that they can be seen by everyone.  I wondered if Zil would go for someone like me if she were gay, or if I had not been born biologically male.

I touched my little Adam's apple self-consciously.  Was this reminder to people, of what I was... Damn it, I can't think like that... of who I was.  Had that kept her from noticing me as more than just a friend?

I had scheduled my chondrolaryngoplasty, the shaving of my trachea to remove the Adam's apple, a few times in recent years.  But I always backed out, afraid of the chance I could damage my vocal cords.  Or maybe because I was scared that with that final surgery, people still wouldn't see me as the woman I was, the woman I wanted to be.

I stroked it with my fingers.  Was it why she hesitated, that she saw me as someone I wasn't?  I took a deep breath and nodded to myself in resolve.  I'd call Doctor Granger and schedule it immediately.  I was determined to follow through this time.

I thought about the little boy, James, who never had a chance to live.  I mourned him even though he was just a costume I wore which just held the real me imprisoned inside.  I also wondered if it hurt father to lose the son he thought he had.  Huh.  Maybe that's why I backed out each time, it was the final remnant of what could have been.

I scheduled the surgery, they had a recent cancellation for a facial feminization surgery; which I was blessedly lucky I had not needed because of my AIS; at the end of the week, and they could slip me in there.  Otherwise, it would be almost three months before they could get me in.  For some reason, I was terrified as I agreed.

Then the calls and texts began pouring in from Zil and I was a much happier woman.  Everything worked out alright for her mother, and Zil was going to be a sister again!  She was so upbeat and it felt almost as if she were here again, just in another room.  I spent endless hours on the phone with her at home.

Now today was the day, I'd have to leave in a few minutes to go to the clinic.  I fasted the previous night so that I wouldn't get nauseous from the anesthetics.  They wouldn't put me under like my reassignment surgery, but I still got queasy every time I had any sort of anesthesia.

I was suddenly apprehensive.  Like I was on the verge of a panic attack, this is about when I would call and cancel at the last minute and pay all the hefty cancellation fees.  The minutes ticked by agonizingly slow as I forced myself to not pick up my mobile.

Then it was noon and I let out a shuddering breath and collected my purse as employees started filing out to lunch.  June came walking up with a swagger and a half smirk as she said, “Ok lady, let's get you to the clinic.”

I blinked.  What?  She wanted to come?  I murmured, “You're coming?  My mum is driving me since I'm not allowed to drive... or operate heavy machinery, for eight hours after the procedure.”

She chuckled out, “We don't have any heavy machinery here, and I'm driving.  I called your mother already and she is meeting us at the clinic.”

I blinked and she reached out and grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze, her smirk was gone and she replaced it with a warm smile as she admonished me, “You're one of my best friends, lady.  You didn't think I'd let you do this all alone since Zil isn't here for you, did you?”

I was tearing up and I said in a wavering voice as I laughed nervously, “I still might cut bait and run.”

She grinned at that and pulled me into a hug and whispered, “Then I'll help you run away like brave Sir Robin.”

I did laugh at that when we pulled apart. “Quoting Holy Grail?  Really?”

She beamed at me.  “Seemed appropriate at the time.”

I straightened my blazer and smoothed my skirt as I took a deep breath and said to her, “Right then, shall we?”  Then I added as I glanced at her, “What about work?”

June looped arms with me and waved it off with her other hand, “The world won't stop spinning if June Harris-West isn't around for a few hours.  Friends are more important.  Liza will lock up for us.  I got this shit.”

I chuckled and shook my head as I told her, “I love you, lady.”

She crinkled her nose and escorted me to the clinic.  I wasn't surprised to find Vanessa in the car already.  This was it... I was terrified out of my gourd even though it is a simple procedure.

The ladies said they got some good blackmail material recorded from my ramblings when I was all drugged up in the recovery room.  They accompanied mum and I home.  Mum insisted I stay in the main house overnight.  It would only take two weeks to fully recover and I was to massage the area of the surgery frequently to prevent scarring.

Zil wasn't aware of what I was doing and I just had a long text session that night instead of talking to her.  My throat felt a little raw yet.

After signing off with that hyper-smiley goth that made my heart beat a little faster just saying her name, I stood in front of a mirror.  There was swelling and a bandage over the location so you couldn't tell visually that anything had happened yet.  But I knew.  I could feel it.  I was complete.  I was finally me.  And I wept into my pillow that night until I went to sleep.  I couldn't tell you which emotions I was feeling at the time, it just seemed to overwhelm me.  My world had turned itself upside down.

***

The next morning I dressed and stood at the mirror again Saturday morning.  I felt as if a completely different person stood in front of me.  An enormous weight had been lifted from me and I tested my voice.  It was a little hoarse but undamaged.  I saw for the first time in my life a whole woman standing there looking back at me.  This small, insecure voice in my head wondered if people still saw me as someone just pretending to be a woman.  I hated that little voice.  Fuck that voice. Sorry for the vulgar language.

I touched the small bandage and thought of Zilrita.