London Harmony: Squid Hugs (14 page)

I gripped my steering wheel as I fought off the mother of panic attacks in the parking lot.  I was so excited to see Jen and the others but I couldn't show it.  I had to be the consummate professional like Jen likes.

I hadn't hugged anyone the way I wanted.  Oh god, what if I never saw them again?  I hadn't hugged any of them.  I loved them so much and I... I... come on Zil.  Pull yourself together!  This is your last chance to have Jennifer see you as something more than just a friend.  I could do this.

I took three long, deep breaths, and calmed down.  Then I started the car and headed home.  It was a little disconcerting, retraining myself to the wrong side of the road again.  It had been only two weeks but for some reason, it felt like another lifetime at the moment.

I got home and kicked off the heels that had been torturing my feet all day.  I aborted a sob and my body shook once with the effort.  What in the hell was that about?  But my emotions were everywhere.  It was so hard on me the whole day to act like someone I wasn't.  But I needed to redefine myself even if I died a little inside each time I couldn't act on my emotions.

I sat at my little breakfast nook with the stack of paperwork.  I chuckled at it.  J-Dub had actually kept up with stuff, even though she destroyed my carefully crafted system.  She never fails to impress me.  They may all talk like the company was crumbling around their ears, but as she always tells us, June had this shit.  My guess that the extra stress of doing my job was actually fun for her.

Then almost as if that thought had conjured her out of thin air, there was a loud knocking on my door and June's angry voice calling out, “Zil, open the goddamn door!”

I winced.  Shit.  I knew I had been short with them all but I had to be as professional as I could for Jen.  I walked to the door and opened it with what I was sure, the look of a misbehaving child who was caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

I looked at my enraged friend and squished my head to my shoulders and squeaked out, “Umm... hi?”

She just pushed past so I could shut the door as she ground out, “Don't 'hi' me.  You left Jen in pieces back there and you hurt Small Fry.  What the hell is going on, and who...”  She motioned up and down at me. “...is this?  And where the fuck did your hugs go?”

I looked at my feet and admited, “It was killing me not to.  I wanted so bad to hug you guys into the next dimension, I missed everyone so much.”

She didn't say anything and I looked up to see her just studying me, her eyes blazing with her bright intelligence.  Then she suddenly relaxed as her eyes widened.

She whispered, “Jen.”

Shit, she had figured it all out, just like that.  I could see the realization on her face.

Then she held her arms open, a pained compassion on her face, and I glommed onto her in a desperate hug as I cried into her shoulder.

She said, “There she is.  The Zil we all love.”

After a minute, I pulled back and wiped a tear away.  I admitted what she had already understood, “I thought if I were more her type that...”

Sh started giggling.  Her giggling became laughter.  Her laughter became wheezes as she gasped for breath as I just stood there, stunned that she would laugh at my desperation.

She tried to talk as she held her belly, “Her... her...”  She pulled herself together and wiped happy tears from her eyes and grinned at me, “Her type?”  She suppressed a titter.

I glowered at her and she just deflected it with a nose crinkle that only she could pull off.  She asked, “Do you want to know that woman's type, lady?”  She pulled out her cell and tapped a couple things and thrust it out at me.  “This is her type.  Her only type.”

I blinked at the photograph of me on the screen.  It was from June's wedding when she married Vannie, I had loved the black leather dress I wore to that.

She clarified with a smirk, “Sure she loves her eye candy, beefcake in a suit, but the day she saw you is the day she swore off beefcake for something more... goth-ish... more Zil.  She's crazy about you and you are crazy about her.”

Before I could say anything, she added as she motioned up and down at me again, “Case in point.  This is insane, it isn't you.  Everyone is calling you Bizarro Zil right now.  Wondering if a cyborg from the future was sent back to take your place or something.  There isn't anything about this new you that Jen would like.”

She paused and smirked as she raised a hand to run her fingers through my hair.  “Except maybe this hair.  Is this your natural color?  It's gorgeous.”

I blushed and looked down as I tried to make sense of what she was attempting to tell me.  I shrugged and said, “It is the closest I can remember.  I used an old picture my mom had to show the stylist.”

Then I looked up at her and asserted, “Jen just sees me as her best friend.”

She dragged me over to sit on my couch as she shook her head.  “We have all been trying to tell you two for years that she sees you as much more.  Both of you are just too blind to see it.  You make the cutest couple in the world who doesn't realize they are a couple.”

I shook my head.  I knew Jen.  “She likes men.  The more chiseled and professional the better.”  Then I looked down at myself.  “I thought if I redefined myself... that...”

She chuckled.  “You thought wrong.”  Then she looked at me as I sat in confusion and her expression softened and she asked, “How's your mom?  I haven't heard anything from you since you left.  Is Denver still the same?”

I knew she asked the last bit because no matter how strong and self-assured she acts, it is just an act.  She's just as insecure as the rest of us, she's just better at hiding it.  I know she is always afraid that Vancouver and Seattle would change so much between her visits, that one day she won't recognize it.  I know because I felt the same when I arrived in Denver, and I know June.

I told her how much I found had changed, especially the medical district, but how much was exactly the same as the day I left.  The biggest shock was how much the family home had changed.  I added, “It was odd, but I felt like a visitor instead of feeling like I was home.”  Then I whispered, “I think that Jen is my home now, and that scares the hell out of me.  What if you're wrong?  What if she doesn't...”

June rolled her eyes at me and said, “Was it good seeing your folks again?  Your evil partner in crime here wouldn't share what you two talked about every day on the phone.”

I looked up at her and I felt my apprehension bleed away to be replaced by excitement.  “I'm going to be a big sister!”  I almost said, “again.”  I wasn't sure I was up to sharing with more people yet.  Maybe it was about time that my friends knew more about me.

June's eyes were glittering with genuine happiness.  I know how fiercely she loved her own little sister Lizzy, so this was great news to her.  She said with surety as she gave me a hug, “You will love it!  Boy or girl?”

I found myself smiling as I said, “A girl, Luminita.”

She pulled back and said, “Well, little Luminita couldn't ask for a better big sis.”  Then she smiled at me and said in a serious tone, “It is nice to learn you didn't just pop into existence in college, lady.  I've never pried, but why have you never shared your home life with anyone?”

I regarded her for a minute.  She had been my best friend for years until Jen elbowed her way into the position with her smile.  Maybe I had been unfair to J-Dub.  I mean, she has always shared everything with me.  She was an open book to anyone she loved.

I exhaled loudly and made a decision.  I sat back and said in resignation, “Let me tell you about a the most amazing, loving little girl.  Her name was Ratiana...”  Then I shared my story with her for the very first time.  It takes a lot to make June cry...

***

By the time I finished my tale, it was getting late and a wet-cheeked June nodded at me.  She wiped her cheeks and smiled.  “I can't imagine that pain, but I can tell you one thing, she would have been proud of the woman you have become.”

Then she looked at the time and said, “I'm going to do something I had to do with a couple Freshmen we knew.  Get out of that silly suit...”  Then she paused and smirked. “But keep it in case Jen has any Naughty CEO fantasies.”

I glurked and looked at her in shock as I blushed.  “June Elizabeth Harris-West!  I can't believe you just said that!”

She bobbled her head in a silly manner with a cheesy grin on her face.  “Shush, now get ready.”

I squinted my eyes. “Ready for what?”

She rolled her eyes like it was obvious. “I know you are oblivious to it, but you hurt Jen today.  Badly.  She was so excited that you were coming home today, but instead she got Bizzaro Zil.  She thinks that she did something wrong.”

My eyes went wide.  “No.  I was just trying...”

She cut me off by pulling me up and pushing me toward my bedroom.  “Go, I have a call to make.”

Oh, dear lord, she was concocting a plan.  All of New York cringed whenever she devised one of her impossible plans, but she somehow pulled them off every time.  And she usually let me include animals, every plan is better with animals.

I absently did as I was told as a bit of panic started spreading from the pit of my stomach.  I had... hurt Jen?  That was the last thing I'd ever do.  Did I really just fuck up?  I heard June call out to me, “Your best outfit.  Make it snappy, goth it back up, lady.  We miss us some real Zil.”

Even in my panic, I had to grin a little as I snapped back, “Ok, ok, stop being so pushy... mom.”  I was rewarded with an explosive giggle that made me smile a little more.

I started pulling out the outfit I wore to June's wedding.  I simply loved that dress, it went so well with... I paused.  I was enjoying this.  When had I lost sight of the fact that when I redefined myself the first time, I was just really finding myself.

I held the dress up to my chin and looked in the mirror.  This is who I really was, and it made me so happy.  I smiled at myself.  I'd have to do something about my hair later, though.  It looked pretty like this but just didn't fit quite right.

I took my time, it felt like I was finally coming home.  I froze at the realization that it felt like I was taking a costume off to reveal the real me inside.  It was exactly like Jen had described herself, and I understood more than ever now.

Once I was dressed, I sat in front of the mirror at my vanity and slowly applied the liquid black, gloss lipstick with its touch of deep blood red highlight.  It was the finishing touch.  I smiled at the goth pixie in the mirror with her honey blonde hair tied back in a ponytail with a black ribbon.  “Well hello there Zilrita, welcome back.”

I stepped back out into the main room and June stood with a beaming smile on her face.

She echoed my thought as she said, “Welcome home Zil.”  She held her arms wide and I hugged her like I hadn't seen her in two weeks.  Hugz... grawl!

She looked me up and down appreciatively after we released each other.  She said, “Now let's get a move on, we've someplace to be.”  Then she grabbed my parasol that was hanging by the door as we left.

It was a long drive home, I was still in shock over Zilrita's transformation into a cold businesswoman who didn't have time for her friends... her family.  The girls were reassuring me all the way home that the change wasn't because of anything Zil had decided about me.

They came up and we all sat and talked.  It somehow devolved into personal stories each of us had with Zilrita and how she had impacted each of our lives.  Each story ended with everyone laughing and smiling.  That was the impact she had on everyone, you couldn't help but be happy when Zil was around.

When it was my turn, I was still hurting inside, I didn't even bother hiding it anymore.  I thought I had lost the one good thing in my life that I felt I couldn't live without.  I admitted for the first time as I absently rubbed my throat, “I... I think I'm in love with her.”

Nobody commented and I looked up, and they all had expectant looks on their faces.

Small Fry tilted her head and widened her eyes a bit and prompted, “And?”

Not a single one of them looked surprised.

I asked, “And what?”

Fran shook her head and deflated as her sister prompted, “And... what are you going to do about it?”

I blinked at them.  What was I going to do about it?  Then I thought for a second, yeah Jennifer you sodding wanker, what the bloody hell are you going to do about it?  A smaller voice in my head asked what if I've lost her already?

I was so conflicted and the day was so emotionally draining, I looked at the woman I viewed as sisters and shrugged.  “I'll have to sleep on it.”  I prompted them, “Thank you all for cheering me up.  I best be to bed now.”

None of them moved and Vanessa looked at me like I was daft.  “Umm.. we can't do that yet.”

I grinned at her for her silliness and asked, “And why not?”

Small Fry responded for her with, “Well, because you two dense women just got June involved.”

Natasha nodded and added, “Yeah, it shouldn't be long now.”

Then almost as if on cue, Vannie's mobile started ringing.  She just grinned at me and didn't even look at the screen as she accepted and said, “Yes June?”

She nodded and turned away from all of us and spoke in low tones, I couldn't make it out.  Then she turned back as she rang off.  “Ok then, Fran get her ready.  They are on the way.”

They who?  Small Fry looped an arm through mine and just grinned as she dragged me toward my bedroom.  Van called out, “Her finest dress.”

Fannie saluted the air without turning around. “Aye aye captain!”

I asked her, “What's going on.”

She grinned at me. “Don't be even more dense, lady.  Zil is on her way.”

Bloody hell!  After that, I didn't need much prodding from everyone's favorite little sister.  I changed into a dark forest green dress I reserved for the finest dinner parties that mum and dad have thrown.  It was the most elegant thing in my closet.  I resolved to not be afraid, this might be my last chance to ever let Zilrita know how I really felt about her.

Why was I so afraid?  Then I admitted that I was afraid of exactly what had happened today.  I couldn't handle it if Zil became detached and I lost even her friendship.

Small Fry fussed over my hair as I worked on my makeup and put on my favorite pearls.  I tried to be confident as I looked at the person I saw in the mirror.  I tried not to look at all of her flaws... she'd just have to do.

The doorbell rang as I stepped out of my room with Fran.  They ladies turned to look at me and smiled.

Van said, “You're looking stunning, Jen.”

Natasha added, “So pretty.”

The doorbell rang again and Fran gave my hand a little squeeze and pushed me gently toward the door.  I stepped up to it and smoothed my dress around my hips.  Then I looked back at my friends as I absently rubbed my neck.  They were all nudging me with their eyes and chins to the door.

I exhaled loudly then took a deep breath.  Was I going to find Bizzaro Zil on the other side or the woman that makes my heart beat faster? There was a persistent knock on the door, and I opened it to see June standing there with her hand still knocking the air.

She looked at me and her eyes widened, then she smiled and looked to her side.  Her brow furrowed and she reached over and dragged a dark angel, who looked so bashful, to her side.  My breath caught, as our eyes met.  She was a vison.  My goth princess was back and looking even more alluring with the contrast her honey blonde hair made with the dark goth accouterments.

I realized I had the same stupid smile on my face that she did.  June cleared her throat as she shook her head while she rolled her eyes.  “Worse than a couple Frosh, do I have to do this again?”  Then she stepped back a bit and said, “Stems, meet Zil.  Zilrita meet Jennifer.  Zil is stupid and makes assumptions about Jen's tastes.  Jennifer is stupid and doesn't realize just how pretty she is or that she makes Zil swoon.  Each of your hearts goes pitter patter for each other.”

Then she pulled Zil's arm, yanking her directly in front of me.  I searched her eyes for the impossibility of it and saw my eyes mirrored in hers.  She was questing with the same questions, the same hope reflected in them.

She tilted her head and pleaded with her eyes and I just nodded once as my heart threatened to beat out of my chest.  She moved forward and I saw tears forming in her eyes as she said in a wavering voice. “I... I'm crazy about you Jen.  I...  I thought if I changed you would look at me as more than a friend.”

I found myself whispering as we moved even closer, our foreheads touching so we could gaze into each other's eyes, “I've been crazy about you since the day I set foot in London Harmony.”

She asked, “Yeah?”

I nodded and then she moved forward and whispered, her lips brushing mine, “I'm going to kiss you if that's ok.”

I nodded again as I smiled and felt tears on my cheeks.  Then she asked, keeping me in my heightened state of excitement and arousal, “Did you get your operation while I was gone?”

Bloody hell!  The tease!  I claimed her lips to shut the git up.  Why was she talking when we could be kissing?  My entire being felt as if it were set afire, and I couldn't get enough of her lips.  My heart was soaring as I realized my dream after so many years of being with her but not able to hold her the way I dreamed of.

We pulled back, gasping for air when we remembered we weren't alone when we heard awws and little squeaking and happy crying sounds from Fran.  I looked around, I felt drunk. My body was blushing and I felt light headed as I said as diplomatically as possible, “Ladies?  Not to be rude but, please... get out.”

The women laughed and moved to comply.  Zil's twinkling eyes held me as she said, “Just a second.”

I nodded and she crinkled her nose at me then turned.

Then she asked, “Grawl?”  And each of the women held their arms out and Zil gave them each their very own squid hug.  She said as she gave the last one,  “Dear Lord, I was dying inside not being able to give you guys those today.”

June said with humor coloring her voice, “Well, as fun as it is watching two supermodel looking ladies making out, we should go.”

I nodded emphatically as Van slapped her shoulder with a wry grin on her face.

They all waved and headed down the stairs as we stepped back inside and closed the door.  She hugged herself as she looked at me hungrily and mumbled, “Hugz.”  Then she stepped up to me and I received the warmest, longest, most welcomed hug I had ever received from the woman of my dreams.

Everything was right in the world suddenly and I couldn't imagine anything better... her lips were again on mine, her hot tongue gently tracing my lips... oh there was that.  I giggled into the kiss as she started backing me toward my bedroom.

She whispered, “I love you, Jen.  Always have.”

I nodded and broke the kiss and turned as I grasped her hand and dragged her to the bed.  “Me too you silly goth.”