Lonesome Howl (10 page)

Mum, you gotta come,

quick.

Dad's gone.

And so is the car.

Has he gone looking for Lucy?

But why would he take the car?

He won't get far over the paddocks in that.

Why didn't he take the bike?

Why didn't he wait for me?

The dogs, Mum,

they're still chained up.

They'll find Lucy.

It don't make sense, Mum.

And I checked too,

Dad's gun is still there.

He don't go anywhere without his gun.

I reckon it would be handy.

He could fire off a shot

and Lucy would hear it miles away,

don't you reckon?

So why no gun?

And the car?

Where's he gone, Mum?

I want to find Lucy.

I want to find Dad.

Lucy: hungry

We reach Jake

soon after midday.

Yes, he's sitting on the rock,

his foot resting on the pack.

When he sees his dad

he scrambles to his feet

and stumbles into his father's arms.

I hang back near the cave

and watch them

with their eyes closed,

hugging.

They stay like that for a long time

and it's like they're fixing something

that almost got broke.

You know what I mean?

They're saying stuff without a word

and so I keep real quiet.

When they stop,

Jake limps over

and puts his arms around me.

He says ‘thanks',

even though he doesn't need to.

He kisses me

right there in front of his dad

and all Mr Jackson says is,

‘You must both be hungry.

Let's eat.'

Lucy: ghosts

I finish my sandwich

and drink some water.

Jake and his dad are close together,

on the rock.

I can't wait any longer.

‘I saw the wolf.'

His father slowly grins

and I'm sure he wants to say,

‘I knew it. I knew it.'

‘It was in the forest this morning.

He was right in front of me

and everything was quiet and still,

like a dream.

Can you believe it?

Just me and him!

I don't know if it was a wolf

or a wild dog.

He was in the long grass,

but he was big.

When he moved away,

he was silent,

like a ghost.'

My voice trails off

as I look into the forest below

where the wolf lives,

and prowls.

I saw what I saw;

they can believe me

or not.

Jake's dad rubs his forehead,

lost in thought.

Jake says,

‘He's our wolf, Dad.'

Lucy: Jake's Dad

Jake's dad starts packing,

giving himself time to gather his thoughts.

‘I believe in the wolf, Lucy.

I have since that day

beside Wolli Creek.'

He scratches a stick into the ground.

‘But when Jake didn't come home last night,

I knew deep in my bones

he was out here,

somewhere in the forest,

looking for the wolf.'

He draws a cross

with the stick,

over and over,

unaware he's doing it.

‘I felt sick, Jake.

I'd put you at risk,

because of my obsession.'

He stands and tosses the stick

over the ledge.

‘Who cares if it's a wolf,

a feral dog,

a dingo-cross,

a huge fox

or, yes, even a ghost!

Who cares?

The bloody thing eats my sheep

and howls at night.

That's enough to know.

I'm sorry, Jake.

So sorry.

I didn't mean for you

to go looking for my wolf.'

Jake: what matters

Maybe I came here to prove Dad wrong.

If all we found was a wild dog,

I could tell Dad he was mistaken.

If there really was a wolf,

well,

it would become
my
wolf.

Because I saw him,

I found him.

‘No, Dad. I had to come.

I wanted to find what was out here.'

I hold out my hand

for Lucy to help me up.

I'm just like Dad.

I want to be right,

all the time.

Lucy looks from me to Dad

and says,

‘What you believe in, Mr Jackson,

that‘s all there is.'

Dad nods, smiles

and reaches for my hand,

to help me down the track.

It's time to leave

Sheldon Mountain.

Jake: Wolli Creek

On the slow walk to Wolli Creek,

Dad and Lucy swap stories,

going into every detail of their sightings,

and I realise that, from now on,

there is no escaping the wolf.

We sit beside the stream

in the late afternoon sunshine.

My ankle throbs

with the pain

of the scramble down

Sheldon Mountain

to Charlie.

We're nearly home.

Lucy is holding a shiny rock

in her hands, turning it over and over,

and looking out across the creek

to her farmhouse.

‘You can come home with us, Lucy,'

I say.

‘If you want, I'll go with you tomorrow,

to your place.'

Lucy tosses the rock

into the water,

watching the ripples

slowly spread.

‘Thanks, Jake.

I'll be all right.

If I stay away too long,

Peter will have no one to annoy.'

Dad looks at me,

but knows not to ask.

I reach out for Lucy's hand.

‘I'll visit soon as I can,

on Charlie! Okay?'

Lucy: on the hill

I circle the yard

like a lonesome wolf

and climb up the hill to the graves.

I sit beside Grandma

and pull the weeds,

clearing around her headstone.

‘Time only goes one way, Grandma.

Now I have to face him,

face them both.'

I wish she was still here,

waving her cane,

sticking up for me.

I look down on our ramshackle house.

So quiet.

The dogs are asleep

under the verandah

and there are no lights on

even though it's almost dark.

Are they out looking for me?

I scoff loudly.

My voice wakes the dogs

and they start barking.

Bloody hell.

I say,

‘See you, Grandma'

as I walk down the path.

Lucy: sorry

It has to be Peter

who sees me first.

Superman shouts my name,

and yells to Mum,

‘I found her.

I found her!'

Yeah, good job, Superman,

you searched the back yard

and found your sister,

walking home

from Grandma's grave,

looking down at the old farmhouse.

Peter runs to me

and wraps his arms tight around me,

for God's sake.

Peter hugs me!

So I squeeze him back

and watch as Mum walks across the yard,

the tea towel still in her hands.

She hesitates as we meet

and I say,

‘Sorry, Mum.

I didn't mean to worry you.'

She reaches for me

and starts to cry

and keeps saying

‘Sorry'

over and over,

in a frantic whisper.

‘Sorry.'

Lucy: no more

We stand together

with Mum squeezing my hand

as if afraid to let go,

while I tell my story

of Jake and the cave,

the fall and his fractured ankle.

I don't mention the wolf.

Mum turns to lead me towards the house,

but I hold firm.

‘No, Mum. No more.'

I can't go inside.

Not with him there.

Mum lowers her eyes.

‘He's gone, Lucy.

Gone, for good.'

At that moment

all the breath rushes from me,

like falling out of a tree

and landing flat on my back.

I almost faint

with the pressure.

TEN
Home

Lucy: home

Mum calls me into the kitchen,

away from Peter's questions,

and asks me to help her cook dinner.

I sit at the table and cut the vegetables

into long thin strips.

She peels the potatoes in the sink,

keeping her voice low as she talks.

‘Last night

he went looking for you, Lucy.

He was gone all night.

I sat here praying he wouldn't find you.'

Mum looks up, quickly.

‘Not because I didn't want you home.

It wasn't that.

I didn't want him to hurt you again.

He came back at dawn,

swearing and shouting.'

Mum grips the peeler tightly,

scraping away the skin of each potato

with sharp angry strokes.

‘You were right, Lucy.

You can't just keep out of his way.'

She leans on the bench

and I'm worried she's going to faint.

‘When he returned,

I grabbed his arm.

Can you believe it, Lucy?

I led him outside,

away from Peter, sleeping.

I stood in the yard,

the keys to the car in my hand.'

Mum puts down the peeler

and looks at me.

‘I'm sorry, Lucy.

I'm not proud of this,

but I said,

“One of us has to leave.”

I didn't want it to be me.

I dropped the car keys between us

and waited.

He sneered –

you know, like he always does –

and said,

“If I pick them up, that's it.

I'm never coming back.”

I turned and walked inside.

I was shaking, Lucy.

It was like time was standing still

until I heard the motor start.

Then I cried and cried.

Here in the kitchen.

It was all I could do

to not howl, Lucy.

I sat here listening for you.

I was so afraid I'd lost you forever,

even though I knew you'd be safe.

You have a touch of Grandma in you.'

Mum looks towards the lounge room.

I know she's thinking,

What does Peter have?

I put my arms around her.

‘Peter has us, Mum.'

Peter

My sister went looking for their wolf.

Jake and her

got stuck in a cave

and stayed the night

in the dark.

How cool would that have been?

But they never found nothing.

Dad went looking for her

and he found nothing, too.

I don't know why he left.

It's not fair.

He didn't tell me.

He just snuck off

when I was asleep.

I kept asking Mum all morning

but she didn't say much that made sense to me.

Maybe he just got sick of sitting round the farm

where it's boring and nothing happens.

Maybe he's gone to be a truckie again.

But he still should have said goodbye.

He should have said something.

Lucy: dinner

We cook a roast –

the first we've had since Winnie died –

with baked potatoes

and dumplings and gravy,

and Peter keeps asking for more.

Superman needs to build up his strength

now he's the man of the house,

which makes me smile

and almost laugh out loud.

But I can't do that

because Peter misses him,

and he doesn't understand why Dad's gone.

We're going to have to tell him.

It won't be easy.

As Mum carves the meat

right down to the bone,

and pours the thick gravy,

we glance at each other.

I want to ask her something,

but it's too soon.

Mum says,

‘I hope you like the dinner.'

She glances towards Dad's chair

as if she's said too much.

‘It's fine, Mum.'

She forces a smile

and offers me more.

Lucy: Grandma's candle

My grandma

used to burn a long white candle

beside her bed

early on Sunday morning.

She'd close her eyes

and whisper to Grandpa,

who'd been gone for years.

In the silence I knew he was answering,

sending back his love.

She said the smell of the candle

brought them together

and as long as that candle flamed

no one could intrude.

After dinner

I go into Grandma's room

and find a scented candle in the drawer

beside her bed.

I take it to the window,

light it

and place it on the ledge

where I can see their graves.

I tell her about the cave –

Jake and me,

what we did,

what we said.

And I tell her about the wild dog,

the wolf,

roaming the hills,

and I pray he finds a partner.

I breathe in the vanilla smoke

and close my eyes.

I can see her face.

Grandma once said,

‘Some people are born half-dead.

And they take years to go.'

‘Not me, Grandma.

I won't ever be like that.'

A full moon is rising over the tree line.

I reckon Jake is sitting at his window now,

watching the moon,

listening for a howl.

Lucy: this house

I open the door to Grandma's room

and let the candle scent drift through the house.