Authors: Hannah Foster
She shook her head vehemently in response. "The
opposite actually. I knew you would stand by me and our child no matter what it cost you." Dragging the back of her hand across her face, she wiped her mouth. "It's ironic, you know? I left....I left because I was terrified of
ruining your life. I loved you so much" she told him tearfully, "that I didn't want you to resent me for bringing something into your life that you didn't want. I thought I was protecting you, instead I have wrecked everything."
"You weren't wrong, you know" he admitted with a bit of difficulty. "I probably wouldn't have reacted well. I had told you over and over again that I couldn't think of anything worse than being a parent. But that was then and this is now and I love Jack. I love him and can't
imagine my life without him."
"He was always very special" she whispered.
"Yes," he agreed. "Which is why I can't imagine you giving him up. What happened Nat? What happened in that fire?"
Her green eyes shimmered with tears as she pulled her legs to her chest. She made herself as compact and small as she could almost as though bracing against what was to come. She pulled absently on the cuff of her
jeans trying to beat back the fear.
"Nathalie, if what happened in Tanzania was so bad I don't understand why you would want to go back there."
"It wasn't Tanzania" she said quietly.
"I thought...I thought you said you were living in Tanzania."
"I was. I am. But when I first moved to Africa I was living in the Congo."
Eric went completely quiet and waited for her to continue. Despite his absolute hunger for knowledge, he wouldn't rush her. If they were going to figure out what was next for them and for Jack she needed to know she could trust him.
"I moved to Geneva when I....when I left." Her voice remained quiet and he found himself leaning forward to make sure he heard her. "I had an offer of a fellowship. I was just finishing up the first year when Jack was born. He was big - just over eight pounds." She smiled
at the memory. "But just before I went off on maternity leave, I was offered a position with an NGO in southern Congo to help establish a hospital in a village. They had nurses but no doctors and the hospital in Geneva thought
I would be the right fit. They assured me that it was a good environment for a baby - the village had lots of children and was very family oriented and so I went."
Eric tried to quiet the small echoes of resentment growing
inside him. He knew it was petty to be jealous of her pursuing a dream they had shared but he was. Exhaling slowly, he silently urged her to carry on.
"The village was great" she told him. "It was
isolated and lacking in many modern conveniences but it was a happy place. The nurses were eager to learn and we worked at setting up a hospital. I delivered a lot of babies in the first two months" she laughed lightly.
Eric laughed as well. Obstetrics had been her least favorite
rotation and she had always sworn she would never go back.
"I actually got quite good at it" she admitted. "Jack settled in really well and the other children loved him. There was
always a line up of young girls who wanted to play with the baby. He didn't lack for attention or love."
Her tone was one of assurance as though she wanted him to be sure Jack was wanted and she had loved him. She needn't have worried, he had
never truly doubted that.
"But the third month there it all.....it all came crashing to an end." As her hands started to shake, she pulled nervously on her fingers. Her tongue darted from her mouth and swiped at her suddenly dry
lips.
Eric got to his feet and headed to the kitchen. He returned with a glass of water and handed it to her. She thirstily gulped it down before setting it on the table.
She couldn't quite meet his eyes as she struggled to find
the words. "It....it was late" she said softly. "Everyone was asleep when I heard this blood curdling scream. I woke up and looked out the window of my little house but couldn't see anything. And then there seemed to
be this burst of light. There were.....soldiers standing in the village. They were calling people out of their homes and when people wouldn't come out they would break down the doors and drag the men outside."
Eric found he was holding his breath as she spoke, his mind already racing ahead to a hundred horrific possibilities.
"They were..." her voice trailed off and as she shivered, she pulled her legs closer to her chest. "They were randomly
attacking them with machetes. The screams were horrible" she whispered. "And then they started attacking the women." She brought her head to rest on her knees as she clenched her eyes shut.
"Nathalie," he called to her urgently. He moved closer to her on the couch and gently touched her shoulder. "Were you.....were you...."
He could not bring himself to even say the words. A knot was
forming in the pit of his stomach.
Lifting her head slightly, she gave a small shake. "No."
Unable to stop himself, he cupped her face with his hands and pressed a long, lingering kiss to her forehead. "Thank god," he
whispered.
"They found my house though and they dragged me outside with the rest of the villagers - my friends. And they found out that I was a doctor." The tears continued to fall and she could do little to stop them.
"And so for sport, really, they started hacking at people with the machetes and making me run from person to person and try and fix them. There was so much blood" she whispered. "And I couldn't
stop it."
"Oh Nat," he sighed.
On his worst day as a surgeon he could not imagine facing something like that. She was shivering uncontrollably and he pulled the throw from the arm of the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders.
"Then....then they set fire to all the houses. I was so busy trying to bandage people and...and stop the bleeding" she rasped, "that I didn't even think about my house. People were dying and I was
frantic trying to save them. And then..."
Reaching to the table she picked up the glass and drank the remaining water. "And then I heard a scream - a baby's scream. I don't think it was Jack but I stopped what I was doing and I looked over in the
direction of my house and it was in flames." The last few words dropped from her mouth like the weight of them was more than could be borne.
Eric moved to comfort her but she shook her head.
"I...I ran into the house. There were flames licking at the doorway to his room but I had...I had to get him and so I ran through and grabbed him from his crib. I was running towards the front door when the house
kind of groaned." She pulled at the cuff of her jeans again, twisting a stray thread around her finger.
"The roof?" he asked.
Nathalie nodded. "A beam holding up the roof broke and
fell on top of me. I'm not even sure how I got out," she said quietly. "All I know is I got a few feet from the house and collapsed. The next thing I knew it was a week later and I was in the hospital in Tanzania."
"Nat, I don't....I'm not sure what to say."
She shook her head. "There is nothing to say. All but six people died that night. I was in the hospital for about three weeks and then was released. Mylea, one of my nurses from the village in the Congo
brought me home with her."
"There's something I don't understand," he told her carefully. "If you thought it was too dangerous for Jack why didn't you come back to the States rather than give him up?"
Her eyes met his and she stared for several beats. "I didn't believe I had anything to come back to." Smiling sadly, she gave a small shrug. "But it was more than that."
"Like what?" he prodded gently.
"I couldn't....I couldn't pick him up. I couldn't feed him or change him. Every time he cried I would see things from that night and I couldn't go near him. I loved him more than anything" she said hoarsely as
tears streamed down her cheeks. "But I couldn't be around him." She gasped for air.
He rubbed his hand over his face. "Nathalie - that is classic post-traumatic stress."
"Maybe. All I know is I wanted to care for my son but I
couldn't go near him. It was killing me Eric."
He didn't realize it but several tears were streaking down his cheeks as well.
"I tried but after several weeks of other people
feeding him and caring for him it became painfully obvious that I was no mother to him - no matter if I wanted to be. So....so I called Sarah. After, after I signed the papers transferrin guardianship to her and she left with Jack I fell
to pieces. It was only through Mylea's persistence that I got back on my feet at all. So you see, it's not that his pictures on your bookshelf are disturbing. It's just...it hurts more than I can even say to see him. To know what I gave
up" she said with a shuddering breath.
Moving beside her, Eric closed his arms around her and softly kissed her cheek. "I am so sorry" he whispered. He rubbed his hand along her back trying to stem the shaking.
"I know....I know you have questions" she said against his shoulder. "But I don't think I can talk much more right now."
"That's okay," he reassured her, kissing her cheek
again. "Just stay here and rest, okay?"
She nodded and let herself be enveloped by his warmth. She had no idea what was to happen next or where either of them stood at the moment but what she did know was being in his arms was the safest she had felt in
years.
The room was eerily silent as Eric looked down at her
wrapped around him. There had been a quiet, steady stream of tears that dampened his shirt before she drifted off to sleep, in the comfort and shelter of his arms. He softly threaded his fingers through her hair as her head was
tucked under his chin. He knew he had yet to feel the full weight of her revelations and he was wrestling with what exactly they would tell Jack, how much detail would they give him. He knew his son and knew his brain was already
filled with hundreds of questions. What could they tell him that would satisfy him without traumatizing him?
"My poor Nat," he whispered as he looked down at her sleeping form.
He understood now and it was both a relief and a burden to
him. Relief at knowing that giving up Jack had been the result of an extraordinary pressure. It was not that he had really doubted it - the woman he had loved for all those years would not give up their child so easily. The
problem was as the years passed he had no way of knowing if she was still the woman he had loved with all his heart. But the relief was short lived for him. The idea that she lived through what she did and he had not been able to help her weighed heavily on him.
She shifted against him, her legs tangling through his and her arm sliding around his waist. He swallowed down a groan as his body reacted to her change of position. The way she felt against him, the feel of her
fingertips resting lightly against his waist were all so achingly familiar. It drove home how much he had missed her and how he craved the connection he had with her, one he had not found with any other woman.
He traced his fingertips along her back and against the
small patch of skin where her jeans and t- shirt didn't quite meet. Her skin was still soft to the touch and before he realized it he had slipped his hand under her shirt, stroking her back. She snuggled it further against him and his body
responded.
With a small moan she pried open her eyes and tiredly lifted her head. Blinking in adjustment to the lights, she gave a small start when she didn't recognize where she was. The familiar touch on her skin clued her in
quickly.
"You're okay" he told her softly.
Meeting his eyes, she smiled tiredly. "I fell asleep on you."
"You exhausted yourself," he replied.
Glancing downwards and seeing the tangle of their limbs and the intimate way she was pressed to him, her cheeks burned hotly with embarrassment. "I am so sorry" she said quickly, the words tumbling from her mouth. "I didn't...I didn't realize I had literally fallen asleep
on you."
As she tried to roll off of him, he gently held her in place. "I'm not complaining."
He continued to move his hand in tiny, comforting circles on
her back as he stared at her. "It seemed like you were having a peaceful sleep" he observed.
The corners of her mouth turned upwards into a shy smile, both her hands resting on his chest. "I was. First one in a while. I guess
it's...." Her voice trailed off.
"You guess it's what?" he prodded curiously.
She dropped her gaze, her cheeks reddening. "I guess...I feel safe here. With you."
The admission stirred something inside him unexpectedly. He slid his finger under her chin. "Look at me" he demanded softly when she still would not raise her eyes.
Slowly, almost painfully, she lifted her eyes. Her breathing
was shallow as they continued to stare at each other and then with infinite tenderness he closed his mouth over hers, their breath mingling.
He reluctantly let go and traced his thumb along her bottom
lip. "I have missed you" he whispered. It was as full an admission as he was capable of making at the moment.
"Oh Eric" she sighed her hand darting underneath his t-shirt, grazing the bare skin of his stomach.
If he were being sensible, he would disentangle himself from her and move from the couch. If he were being sensible he would suggest they go back to the hospital or talk further. If he were being sensible he would recognize how incredibly dangerous it was for both of them to give in to any
passion. But he did not want to be sensible. He wanted to get lost in her, he wanted to feel once more the way only she could make him feel.