Authors: Hannah Foster
"Did you get any sleep at all?"
Hearing Andrew's voice, he looked up from the chart and gave
a small shake of his head. "Not so much."
Kicking the door closed behind him, he flopped into the chair opposite his friend and pushed a steaming cup of coffee towards him. "Didn't think so."
Gratefully accepting the coffee, he pushed back the small plastic tab on the lid and took a quick sip, wincing at the heat. He closed over the file and pushed it away. He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.
"You know you can't be her surgeon," Andrew stated.
Eric's eyes flew open. "Drew-" he began.
His friend shook his head. "Eric, dude - it is the classic definition of conflict. You cannot - cannot - be her surgeon."
"I know" he sighed heavily. "Will....could you...."
He grinned wryly. "Yeah, I can take the case if you take my cranky old lady."
A ghost of a smile crossed his lips. "Sure." Taking another sip of his coffee, he looked pensively at the closed chart. "What do you think happened to her?" he asked quietly as he examined her films
illuminated across from him; the breaks in her bones echoing the scars on his heart.
"Do you care?" Andrew asked carefully.
"More than I want to" he admitted.
#
Sleep had been impossible after Eric's abrupt departure from the room. Her mind was flooded with memories including many that she would have preferred to keep buried. There were a few truths she had realized after he left. She had hurt him profoundly and forgiveness was unlikely if not
impossible. Telling him about Jack would only compound the hurt. And she realized that there were some loves that would never die no matter the distance or space between. She also admitted, in the dark confines of her room, what she
knew to be the truth years before. She should have never left him. She should have told him the truth that long ago day. But the past was gone and she wore the scars of all her ill founded decisions.
At home, in Tanzania, when she was bothered or unable to
sleep she would walk. There were so many wide open spaces in the village that she could walk for hours until the burden started to lift. The hospital here contained no such open spaces so she had been left to wander the halls. She had
even tried to get to the roof but the door was locked and she had not quite been ready to bust the door down. Having exhausted all pathways available to her, Nathalie tightened the belt of her robe around her waist as she slowly
walked back to her room.
She paused in the doorway as she saw Keith pacing by the window. Deep worry lines were etched into his face and she was reminded yet again that she needed to let him go.
"Hey," she called softly to him.
Smiling in relief, he crossed the room and gently kissed her. "Went for a walk?" he asked knowingly.
She nodded. "Have you been here long?"
"Not too long," he lied. "How are you
feeling?"
"Not bad" she lied as she climbed into bed.
Easing himself on to the edge of the bed he slipped his fingers through hers. "So, you have a sister. Any other family hidden away
- husbands? Children?"
Her heart dropped and she swallowed thickly hoping she wasn't betraying herself. "A girl has to keep an air of mystery," she offered weakly.
Keith looked at her seriously and sighed silently. "I'd be okay with a little less mystery" he told her directly, hopefully.
Her hand trembled slightly as she reached out and stroked his face. "I'm not a very good girlfriend to you Keith."
Turning his head, he kissed her palm. "You are a good girlfriend. I just wish....I just wish you wanted to share more with me."
Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to his. "It's not
you," she whispered. "I just..can't" she trailed off.
"I know" he told her.
They sat in silence for several minutes, neither rushing to
say the words they both needed to say. She stared at their joined hands and remembered all the hours she had spent holding someone else's hands and the electricity that simple act would send through her body.
"Do you want a coffee?" he asked, finally breaking
the silence.
She smiled and nodded. "That would be great."
Keith gave her another quick kiss and disappeared out her door. Leaning back against the pillows she draped her arm across her eyes and
took a deep breath before slowly letting it go. The instinct to run was almost overwhelming and if it wasn't for the debilitating headaches she would be packing her bags and on the next plane back home.
"I'd like to talk to you about course of
treatment."
She recognized the voice immediately and groaned inwardly. The only thing more difficult than dealing with Eric was dealing with his best friend. Pulling her arm from her eyes, she gave him a wary look.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your doctor now," he told her almost unkindly. "There is no way Eric can be your doctor so I guess you get me"
She smirked mirthlessly. "Eric may be a conflict of interest but so are you."
Arching an eyebrow, he tilted his head to the side. "Oh?"
"The first rule of being a doctor is 'do no harm',"
she told him wryly, "and as I'm pretty sure you'd like to see me dead, I'm not sure you are placed to be my doctor."
His face softened briefly. They had been friends - the three of them - good friends.
"Nathalie I would never....I hate what you did to him...and to Sarah," he tacked on as she visibly paled. "You practically broke them when you left and I don't understand why you did it but you are in no danger on my table. I don't want you dead" he said seriously. "I want
you healthy and then maybe you can start to deal with the shit-storm you created. Because, make no mistake, you have years of damage to atone for. Besides, you know I am too arrogant to ever lose a patient on my table."
She tried to laugh but as another pain seared through her head she was unable to formulate a response. She clenched her eyes shut and urgently rubbed her forehead.
"On a scale of 1-10, what's the pain?" he asked,
moving closer to her bed.
"Six" she gritted out.
"How about you try that again and tell me the truth?"
"Nine" she whispered, "maybe 10."
Scribbling down orders on her chart, he nodded. "Okay. We're going to try and shrink the tumor with some localized radiation before I remove it," he told her. "I'm going to increase your pain meds in the
meantime. We'll plan for your surgery in about a week's time."
"How...how is he?" she asked.
Andrew shook his head. "I'll discuss a lot of things with you Nat but not him. He is off limits, do you understand?"
"Yeah" she sighed. If only her heart would get the same message
#
"You had me paged?" Eric queried as he entered
Nathalie's room.. "Five times". He added brusquely.
"If you had answered the four previous times, I wouldn't have had to page you the fifth." She said, indignation in her eyes.
"If I recall, patience never was your strong
suit." His retort dripped in sarcasm as he moved to stand at the foot of her bed.
"If I recall, you were never a coward." Her eyes flashed in a challenge. "So what happened?"
Eric's jaw tightened reflexively. "I don't think you are any position to judge me a coward."
Nathalie had the grace to lower her eyes as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Touché." She smiled wryly as her eyes once
again met his, this time with a sheen of tears.
Eric visibly fought the urge to go to her, to offer comfort. She was reminded that their fights, while never unkind, had always been passionate with neither of them giving any quarter until the bitter end. It was
almost a tradition that all of their fights ended up with them in bed; both so turned on in mind and body that their coming together was explosive.
"What did you need, Nat?"
You
was the first response that popped in her mind but she knew that would not be welcome. "Why...why didn't you tell me you had given my case to Andrew?" she asked quietly.
"We decided he would tell you at the same time he
discussed your treatment options."
"I don't have options, Eric," she said heatedly. "My only option is surgery and I would feel more comfortable with you
operating. "
"Why? Andrew is a very capable doctor. You know that."
"Andrew also hates me, Eric."
"And for some reason you don't think I feel the same
way?" His tone was cold.
Waves of emotion passed over her face as she absorbed the devastation she left in her wake. Shaking her head slowly as she anxiously pulled at her fingers she locked her gaze with Eric.
"I guess I had hoped that as angry with me as you may
have been, and as much as I hurt you, you would remember the good times between us. Andrew looks at me and only sees how much I hurt you."
Eric blinked repeatedly at the tears forming in his eyes.
"I do remember the good times, Nat." he said thickly. "Unfortunately, I can't forget them. And I can't forget how you walked out on me without a word, without an explanation. How you never told me..."
Eric bit off the last of his sentence before he said too much.
Stunned, Nathalie nodded in understanding. "I know it may not make sense but I thought I was doing the right thing when I left."
"Would you care to explain that? Are you finally ready
to tell me why you thought it was okay to blow my world to hell without discussion?" Eric asked, hope tinging his voice.
"I can't." she whispered, in obvious distress.
"It's complicated."
"Yeah, I'm sure it is" he acknowledged. "Which is why Drew needs to do this surgery. If you don't want him to do it, you can find another surgeon. But it won't be me, Nat." Their eyes
connected as both let years of things left unsaid pass between them. "It can't be," he said with finality.
"Ok. Drew it is."
"Alright. Well, I guess that's it," he said as he
walked to the door.
"Yeah, that's it." Nathalie echoed in slightly more than a whisper.
Eric exhaled softly as his eyes continued to adjust to the darkness enveloping him; Nathalie's steady breath the only other sound in room echoing loudly in the silence. It all reminded him of the nights he would lie
awake and watch her sleep, struck both by her beauty and his luck at having her love him. After all the years of feeling unworthy, even unloved, by his parents, he had been determined to show her every day how much he treasured
her. Apparently he had failed.
And now he had been reduced to this. In the three days since their confrontation, he had been sneaking in her room in the middle of the night to watch her sleep. And to remember. Like floodgates opening, every night
he relived the joy of falling in love with her and the unbearable pain of losing her. He recalled with startling clarity their first meeting as she spilled coffee all over his lab coat. How their ensuing banter had turned to
flirting, how their battle of wills had turned into a passionate desire to possess her. Eric had loved her fiercely and thought those feelings were returned - until the day his world turned upside down. Arriving home from a 72 hour shift to find her all traces of her gone and a note by their bed:
"E - I am sorry but this is for the best. I love you. Be well. Nat. "
That she boiled down four years, the best of Eric's life, to a three line goodbye note was an anguish that never left him. Despite his pleas
to Sarah, even after learning about Jack, he was remained at a loss as to why she left or where she had gone.
The images on her x-rays confirmed to Eric that there was
more of the story to be told but he was no longer sure he cared. She had left him and given up their child. Was there really an explanation available? He was afraid to hope there would be and scared to imagine what it was.
Unfolding his lanky frame from the guest chair he assessed
her with a critical eye. Always slim, she had lost a good twenty pounds putting her on the verge on malnourished. Her skin, always luminescent, now showed the glow from the African sun but there was also lines from age, and reflecting on
her x-rays, from stress. And yet, he still found her breathtaking.
The door creaked open, a sliver of light entering the room. Eric turned to see Nathalie's boyfriend standing in the entryway. The fact that
she had moved on from him to have a relationship when he was barely able to able to manage two dates in a row rankled him.
"Dr. Smitherman, I don't think we were introduced the other day. I am Keith Wilson," he offered his hand. "Nathalie's
boyfriend."
"Nice to meet you." Eric replied dryly, the lie tasting like cardboard in his mouth as he shook Eric's hand.
"I didn't think you'd have rounds this late,"
Keith indicated with a smile.
"Just checking in on her. We usually don't allow visiting hours this late."
Keith's eyes darted to Nathalie, eerily illuminated by the light from the hall. "I know," he said softly. "I just
wanted...well, nights are hard for her."
Unspoken questions dying on Eric's lips, he nodded to the hallway as Keith followed him out.
"So, how is she?" the redhead asked eagerly.
"I haven't seen you in a few days to ask."
Eric nodded and hesitated at telling Keith the reason - he was no longer her doctor.
"I know she insists that everything is okay, but I know
she is not telling me everything." Keith continued.
Eric fought an internal battle between medical ethics and his desire to answer questions that would haunt him the rest of his days. "Has she not informed you of her medical condition, Mr. Wilson?"
Keith shook his head wearily. "Nathalie doesn't reveal much, Dr. Smitherman. But that doesn't mean she doesn't need me."