Authors: Hannah Foster
"Nathalie isn't here!" The exasperation in his
voice was total. "What she wants, or wanted, isn't really a factor. One of these days Sarah he is going to need to know I'm his father."
"You're a father figure, is that not enough?"
His blue eyes clouded over as he glared at her. "No,
it's not."
"You never wanted kids," she reminded him.
She always reminded him of that. It was her stick, her card to play against him to keep him in line and remind him of how they all wound up
in this position in the first place.
Exhaling slowly, he tried to keep his fast-rising temper in check. "My wants and my reality haven't matched up for quite a while
Sarah. I wanted Nathalie but the reality is she left me with a three line note and an empty apartment. I didn't want children but the reality is I have a son. And I love him. You - you brought him into my life Sarah and I'm tired of you still trying to control everything after all these years as if we are in some
kind of holding pattern."
Adjusting the strap of her purse over her shoulder, she gave him a defiant look. "She might come back."
He shook his head. "She isn't. She isn't ever coming
back. Hell, I don't even know where she is but I don't need to know that to know she isn't coming back."
Their conversation ended abruptly as Jack skidded to a stop between them. He hugged his aunt hello before giving Eric a high five and
happily heading out the door.
As he closed the door, he leaned against it and sighed. He wasn't satisfied with half measures any longer. Fear had dictated his silence
for too long; fear he would fail as a father; fear that Sarah would change her mind about having him in Jack's life; fear Nathalie would return to take Jack away. Somewhere, somehow, fear had been replaced with resolve. This was his son - his family - and it was time for him to know.
Holding tightly to Jack's hand as they walked the two blocks to her apartment, she took several deep breaths to calm her racing heart and replayed the last part of her conversation with Eric in her mind. She had been
expecting Eric's push for weeks now. It had been almost a year since the last time he brought up telling Jack the truth and with every goodbye, she saw the despair grow in Eric's eyes.
Truth be told, Sarah no longer knew the true reasons she
fought Eric on telling Jack he was his father. It had started earnestly enough, a sister wanting to respect the plea of her only family. While Sarah didn't have many deep relationships in her life, her relationship with Nathalie was
sacrosanct. Or it had been.
But as time, years, went on Sarah could admit her motivation for keeping the situation status quo had changed. Glancing down at the joyous sound of Jack's laugh, she smiled. She loved this child totally and couldn't
imagine her life with out him.
Fear gripped her heart at the thought of Jack no longer being in her life. She told herself in the early years that she was just doing what Nathalie had asked of her; that long ago conversation still piercing her
heart with pain. But as time had passed and she had refused to come home and severed all contact with her, Sarah gradually allowed herself to feel more comfortable about the permanence of Jack in her life.
Was she an awful person for denying Eric the right to tell
Jack he was his father? She had observed them over the years and had no doubt that the both loved each other tremendously. Was it time to break her final promise to her sister? Sarah was afraid in doing that, she would break her own
heart in the process.
"Aunt Sarah?" Jack asked breaking her thoughts.
"Yeah, bud?"
"How many days till next weekend?
"Why?" she asked, curious.
"Cause Eric said I get to spend next weekend with him!" The seven year responded quickly, the palpable excitement making his small body squirm.
"Yes, that's the plan" she responded, smiling at
how happy he looked at the thought.
"And, we get to go to a Yankees game!" he added.
"I thought you were a Mets fan?" she queried.
"Well, don't tell Eric, for one night I can be a Yankees fan!" he pleaded.
"It'll be our secret." She confirmed.
"And you know the best part!? He continued without
waiting for a response. "Andrew is coming!"
Sarah's grasp tightened reflexively at the mention of Andrew's name. "That's great, bud, I know you love guy time with both Eric and Drew."
"Can we have them over sometime? They haven't been over
for dinner in, like, forever."
"We'll see."
"Aww, that always means no!" he whined.
Laughing at his correct observation, she watched as he
shrugged and kicked at the pebble at his feet. "You're a smart kid, Jack." Just like your mom and dad, she added silently.
#
As she struggled to open her eyes she felt the coolness of
the cloth on her forehead. Her tongue swept along the inside of her mouth and she winced as she found the spot where she had bit down on her cheek.
"Easy Nathalie."
She recognized the rich voice immediately and pried her eyes
open. "M-mylea" she croaked.
"Shhh" she soothed her, touching her cheek. "Keith called me when he couldn't rouse you from the floor."
Visions of what had happened flashed through her mind. She
could practically feel her legs shake just as they did in the bathroom and despite the soft lighting in the room her head still pounded. Sighing tiredly, she touched her hand to her cheek feeling the small welt from where her face
hit the ground.
"I'm fine" she insisted.
"Stop it!" her friend hissed. "You have been out for more than an hour. You are not fine and you have not been fine for
quite some time" she told her knowingly. "It is time for you to get help."
"Mylea-"
"I mean it." There was no mistaking the firm tone to her voice. "You have that young man worried out of his mind."
"It's just a headache," she denied.
Mylea fixed her with a look. "You need to stop lying to yourself, to me and to him. Denying what is happening will not change the past
and is very unfair to those who love you."
The door to the bedroom creaked open and Keith paused before rushing in once he saw she was awake. "Nat" he said breathlessly, pressing his lips to her forehead.
"I'm sorry," she apologized quietly, Mylea's words ringing in her ears. "I didn't mean to scare you."
He shook his head and brushed her hair from her face. "I was so worried," he admitted. "I love you so much and to find
you lying on the floor, not waking up...." His thoughts trailed off. He was unwilling - or unable - to finish them.
Her fingers curled through his and bringing his hand to her
lips, she kissed it. "I'm going to be okay" she reassured him. She wasn't sure what okay meant, all she knew was that she did not want him to worry.
He nodded. "Mylea has booked an ambulance to take you
to Songea."
Her eyes widened in shock and she looked angrily at her friend. Mylea met her gaze with a determined one of her own, practically daring the young doctor to contradict her.
"You need an MRI" she told her. "And I have
called Doctor Thabo who has agreed to see you tomorrow."
"I'll go with you," Keith told her.. "I'll be right by your side."
Knowing she was defeated, she closed her eyes and nodded.
She knew she shouldn't feel this way, she knew she should be grateful to have such good people wanting to take care of her but she didn't. She felt as though she was being smothered. She had seen the worst humanity had to offer and had
paid dearly when she tried to circumvent it. She no longer had an interest in trying to change the will of the universe and would prefer to just let things happen but she wasn't able to explain that to anyone. Keith would never
understand and Mylea would dismiss her as being ridiculous.
"Just rest Nathalie," Mylea said. "I will get things ready for your trip."
Nathalie hated the idea of being gone from Mbamba even
overnight. She felt grounded and happily tethered here. Going to Songea took her out of her comfort zone and trips had a way of always lasting longer than they were intended to.
#
Sitting on the exam table, she chewed nervously on her
bottom lip. She hated hospitals - more specifically she hated being a patient. It made her feel as though she were fenced in and she hated feeling as though she had no escape.
Despite the bumpy terrain, it had been an uneventful ride to
Songea. Mylea had arranged for all them to stay with a friend of hers at her house near the hospital. Neither she nor Keith slept very much that night. He had kept a watchful eye on her and she had tried to reassure him that everything was fine and they would be back in Mbamba before the next day was
through.
"Should it be taking this long?" Keith asked as he paced nervously.
She shrugged. "I'm sure he's just reading the
films."
"Still." He glanced at his watch. "It's been a while and if it were nothing he would have been back in here to tell us."
"Keith!" she snapped, "just give it a
rest." Seeing his gazed drop she sighed quietly. "I didn't mean to snap."
With a small smile, he crossed the room and took her hands in his. "And I didn't mean to stress you out."
Leaning in, she kissed him gently. "Thank you for
coming with me." She offered an olive branch.
Both their heads snapped up as the door opened and the towering Doctor Thabo came in. Nathalie immediately recognized the neutral
expression on his face as one disguising bad news. It was a technique she had used herself more than a few times - keep your expressions neutral so as not to unnecessarily alarm the patient. Her grip on Keith's hands tightened.
"What is it?" she asked in a strangled voice.
"I believe you have a hemangioblastoma," he began, "located in the cerebellum."
"How big?" she asked, her hands going clammy.
"Less than 3 centimeters" he replied.
Keith watched the two speak and could tell by her sudden pale complexion that it wasn't good news. "Is it cancer?" he asked.
Nathalie smiled bravely as she shook her head. "No. No,
it's not cancer. Hemangioblastoma is benign."
"But dangerous" the doctor added. "You need treatment." His tone was pointed as he looked at her.
"Okay" Keith said. "Can we do it here in Songea? Do we need to go to Nairobi or Pretoria?"
He shook his head. "There are treatments here but the world leaders in treating this are in the United States. I have a colleague who
has had great success-"
"Where?" she asked, swallowing down the nervous lump that formed in her throat.
"In New York City" he told her, writing down the
name. "I have called him - Doctor Freidman runs the program - and they can take you as soon as you can get there."
The thought of returning the United States, even if it wasn't Chicago, filled her with dread. She had sworn she would never go back.
For seven years the distance between where she grew up and where she lived had provided her a shield of protection but now, the idea of stepping foot back there seemed worse than the tumor growing in her head.
"Are there no alternatives here on the continent?" she asked with a shaky voice.
"Nat!" Keith admonished her. "If the best in the world are in the U.S. then that's where we go."
Letting go of his hand her fingers curled around her locket. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply to stave off the rising sense of panic. Over the years she had purposely lost track of Eric, figuring it would be easier if she could not imagine him exactly where he was. Last she had heard he
was living in San Francisco, miles from where she was headed; there was no reason to believe that her past would swallow her whole if she went to New York City.
"I can leave on Saturday" she whispered, opening
her eyes. She looked at Keith. "Will you come with me?"
He closed his lips over hers. "Try and stop me."
Nathalie could feel Mylea's eyes on her as she carefully and meticulously folded her clothes and placed them in her suitcase. She made no
comment as she slipped a small stack of unsent letters in the bottom of her suitcase. The dark green ribbon holding them together was frayed from years of untying and retying and while Mylea had never asked her what was in the
letters, she had already known they contained a mother's love for her son.
The young doctor had said little since her return from Songea other than sharing her diagnosis and announcing she would be traveling to the United States for treatment. She had spent the better part of the
afternoon reassuring her colleagues and friends that there was little to worry about, that she would be back in Mbamba before they could even miss her.
"Have you called your sister?" she asked, folding
a shirt and passing it to her.
Nathalie shook her head. "Sarah and I don't really talk any more. Not since I asked her to....not since I gave up Jack."
The nurse nodded knowingly. "But still Nathalie, this
would be a good opportunity to reach out to her. You may need her help."
She sank down on the edge of the bed beside her suitcase. She missed her sister but the distance between them was entirely of her making.
Sarah had tried time and again to make contact but she had let letters go unanswered and phone calls go unreturned until her sister simply stopped trying. For so long it had been just the two of them against the world - the
Grant sisters united against all comers - but when her life had started to fall to pieces she had pushed everyone, including Sarah, away.
"I'm not very good at crossing back over neglected bridges Mylea. Besides, Keith is coming with me."
"Does this mean you are finally going to open up to him?" she asked, nodding to the locket dangling from her neck.