Look Both Ways (25 page)

The hospital smell lingered in her nostrils, and the ghosts of what could have been danced teasingly around her. She tried to brush away the pain only to find herself encountering memories of Stan, the love she had felt for him when they married and the disappointment she had felt when his weakness smothered their future. Seeking comfort, her thoughts returned to Atlanta and the feel of Will’s arms around her—his magnificent presence, the touch of his hand. She closed her eyes.

“Dear God, please let him live.”

* * *

Susan’s Tuesday was no better than her Monday. She plowed through mounds of papers, keeping as busy as possible, but her thoughts did not stray far from that hospital bed. As promised, Mrs. Whitehead called, reported no change, and added a personal note.

“Jean and Terri have to work. They’re here only in the evenings. As far as immediate family is concerned, there’s just Amy and myself here during the day. Will is here sometimes, but he wants you to see Willie as much as I do.”

Susan thanked her but did not change her mind. “Will is on my mind every second that I’m awake, but I can’t chance causing problems for his family and maybe for him. I greatly appreciate the updates. Just please keep me informed.”

Having accepted Marc Paxton’s invitation to the art exhibit, she felt compelled to attend. She kept a forced smile and tried to remain alert to his conversation, but it was no use. She could not focus on the paintings or on Marc.

“Want to tell me what’s troubling you? You’re not here at all.”

“A friend is in the hospital. He had a bad auto accident and he’s in a coma. I’m very concerned.” Her smile was small and weak.

“Would that be Rev. Cartwright?”

She nodded.

He cupped her elbow and guided her to a quiet corner of the museum. “Are you in love with him, Susan?”

“Yes. Our relationship is over, but I never stopped loving him.”

“I see. Let’s get out of here,” he said, walking toward the exit. “I won’t pretend not to be upset. We’ve not known each other very long, but I had hoped that—”

“So had I. I’m learning that things seldom go as we plan or hope. I’m sorry about tonight. I’ve tried to focus on other things, but I can’t. I don’t know…if I had met you before I fell in love with him, I know things would be different, but I can’t change the past. Right now, I’m not doing a very good job of dealing with it. I’m very sorry.”

“Don’t be. Willie Cartwright is a good man, Susan. If the two of you are in love, as much as I want you, there’ll be no hard feelings. If things don’t work out for whatever reason, I hope I can make you love me with as much passion as I heard when you spoke of him.”

He took her home and she tossed and turned until sleep finally came.

CHAPTER 10

Susan made it through the week with the help of daily updates from Mrs. Whitehead. There was no change in Will’s condition. The only positive note was that his vital signs had slightly improved. Swelling around the brain was still the main concern, and time was not on his side. For every second he remained comatose, the likelihood of his recovery grew more distant.

On Saturday Susan slept late, made an appointment with a massage therapist, and spent the evening on the balcony with Dino. Feeling hungry, she made a sandwich and ate it in front of the television. Just as she was about to head for the shower, the phone rang.

“Susan, Travis. I just called to see if you’re okay. I know you’ve been spending time at the hospital and haven’t been getting proper rest, and I’m concerned.” His voice was sweet and tender.

“Thanks, Travis, thanks a lot. I’m okay. I was able to get some rest last night and today, so I’m feeling and, I hope, looking much better.”

“Well, I won’t keep you. I just wanted to remind you that I’m here if you need me—for anything.”

“I appreciate your concern. I really do. You were my first friend in this city, and that friendship still means a lot.”

In the uncomfortable silence that followed, Susan wanted to reach out. Travis had been a bright spot in her life until his feelings progressed to ones she could not match.

“I won’t lie and say I don’t still have strong feelings for you, but I would never impose. As I said, I’m here if you need me.”

She wanted to need him. She wanted to need Marc, to want him because he was wonderful and he was available, but she loved Will and knew that was not going to change. She thanked Travis and promised to call if she needed him.

“I had lunch with Travis yesterday,” Angie said when Susan told her about the call. “We were in the deli at the same time and he asked if he could sit at my table. It was the first time I’ve actually had a conversation with him that didn’t concern work. He’s very sorry for helping Price.”

“I know he is, and I’m trying to get past that.”

“He started the conversation by saying how much he liked working with Tom Baden, and how the entire atmosphere in lending has changed since you brought Tom in to take Price’s place. Then he mentioned the loan commitment, and finally said he was so glad to have you here. I let him talk until he said how sorry he was that you had such a hard time getting settled. I told him you didn’t have a hard time getting settled; you had a hard time fighting off evil bastards.”

Susan shook her head. “I’m sure he doesn’t consider himself in that group.”

“He’s not stupid. He said he knows we’re friends and was sure you had told me about him ratting to Price. Then he went on about how he had befriended you when you first arrived and that you two had spent a lot of time together. I know he saw the look on my face when he said you two weren’t intimate, but he assumed your relationship was going somewhere.”

Angie flexed her eyebrows, as was her habit when reaching the highlight of her message. “I told him you spent time with him because you liked him as a friend, and that the first three letters of assumed spelled the kind of friend he turned out to be. I also told him you had men swarming around to spend time with you when you first arrived. I made that part up, but I do remember being in the deli when Chance Howard said you were the first women he would gladly give up his black book to be with. Travis also heard; he was sitting at the next table.”

“Chance said that?” Susan was mildly surprised that the head of accounting would say that, especially in public.

“Chance isn’t the only one, but he’s the cream of the crop. Women make all kinds of excuses to go to accounting so they can gawk at Chance, just as men come to the twenty-sixth floor to gawk at you. And why not? You’re not just beautiful, you’re stylish, intelligent, and, as my mama use to say, ‘you got class,’ and that’s something money can’t buy. Men and women both notice this, just as they notice the breathtaking and pleasant Mr. Chance Howard.” She dropped her head. “I can’t say I’m proud of myself, but I’ve done a little gawking at him, too, and I’m not into blondes.”

Susan laughed. “You know you always make me feel better. Thanks for being here for me.”

* * *

On the first Sunday in December, Rev. Willard Cartwright Sr. delivered the morning sermon at Cedargrove Baptist Church. From his wheelchair, the message rang clear. “When I was in the hospital, I heard the prayers you said for me. More importantly, God heard those prayers. He heard and he answered. Please join hands and pray with me for my son’s recovery. Ask God to awaken him and bring him back to us, to direct his feet back into this pulpit.”

Sniffles were heard throughout as the congregants joined hands in prayer. The most heartfelt appeal came from the first pew, center. Susan sat with one hand clinched in Angie’s and the other entwined in Mrs. Whitehead’s.

Before leaving, she hugged Rev. Cartwright and told him how much she enjoyed his sermon. “I mentioned that my mother remembered you from your civil rights crusades, especially the summer you worked with Dr. King.” She placed the photograph in his hand. “She wanted you to have this.”

“My goodness.” His eyes became misty. “Where on earth did she get this?”

“My mother’s cousin was in college there and attended the rally. His camera caught only a bit of Dr. King’s profile, but my mother recognized your face and kept the photograph. She received a hefty offer for it from a collector, but she felt it was a poignant moment that belonged to you and the dedicated members of that gathering.”

His eyes blazed and then dimmed. “I don’t know what to say. Give your mother my thanks. I’d love to meet her.”

“And I thank you for your inspiring message. I can now say that I’ve heard a sermon from a man my mother greatly admires and whom I also admire. God bless you, Rev. Cartwright.”

“Thank you, and thanks for caring about Willie. My wife told me about my daughter’s reaction, and I want to apologize. We’re going over to see Willie now. I want you to come by and say hello. I’ll be there for as long as I can stand to sit in this old chair. I really want you to come.”

Jean and Terri joined them, flanked by Mrs. Cartwright and Mrs. Whitehead.

“Hello, Miss Cross. I’m surprised to see you here today,” Terri said, giving her a brief hug and standing back. “I think you should stop by and see my brother before you go home. I know you want to, and I think he’d want you there.”

Susan tried to smile. “This is my friend Angie. She and I had planned this visit before I left town for Thanksgiving. Mrs. Whitehead invited me.” She didn’t feel any explanation was necessary, but wanted to counter his sister’s doubts.

“Yes, I did. I told Will she was coming and he sat there grinning from ear to ear. That smile had been absent from his face for too long, and when his eyes can focus, I want him to see Susan and know that she loves him. I want to see that smile again.” She began to cry.

“Miss Cross, please don’t misunderstand my concern. I know my brother loves you, but I also know that he’s been hurt—”

“Jean, we’ll have no further discussions of this,” Rev. Cartwright said sternly. “I just invited Miss Cross to join us at the hospital. I want her to feel welcome here in this church, and I want her to feel free to visit Willie. Sometimes our love is so strong that it smothers those it intends to protect. We love Willie and want him to be happy. Life will never be one long day of sunshine, but it’s the raindrops that make things grow. Please don’t make an issue of this again.” He lowered his head as his wife assisted him in maneuvering his chair to the door.

Susan and Angie walked to Angie’s car in silence. Angie started the engine and looked around.

“Well, where to?”

“Angie, I want to see him, but I can’t deal with this. I don’t want his sisters to feel that I’m intruding, and no matter what his father says, I don’t feel welcome at the hospital as long as Jean feels the way she does. Did you see the look she gave me? I don’t need that. Maybe they don’t know it, but I’m hurting, too.”

“Well, if you want my opinion, I think you should go. If you don’t and something happens to Will, you’ll always wonder if your presence would have made a difference. I’ll go in with you if you want to see him. I think you’ll feel better. We won’t stay long.”

The waiting room was packed with church members and family. Susan walked around the crowd and made her way to the door with Angie at her side. His father was in with him, and Mrs. Cartwright was standing guard.

“Go on in, Miss Cross. Will wants you to see him, and so do I.” She smiled and held the door.

“Come on over here by the bed,” Rev. Cartwright said, smiling up at her. “He was restless at first, but he’s peaceful now. Maybe that means he is no longer in pain. I’ll leave you two alone. Tell my son how you feel, and we’ll all pray he can hear you.”

Taking small steps, she walked past him and looked down on Will. She tried to speak, but the words never came. His eyes were closed and sunken, the stubble on his face had a sprinkling of gray, and his strong hands lay limp on the bed. It was more than Susan could take. She rushed from the room, determined not to cry, and praying not to faint.

“Susan. Honey, hold on.” Angie was beside her. “I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to be strong for Willie.”

“I can’t handle this, Angie.”

“You can and you will, because when you go in there, you won’t see him in that bed. When you look at Willie, you’ll see the strong, handsome face you fell in love with. Stay with me now, Susan.”

Susan felt darkness closing in and focused on Angie’s face.

“Susan, listen to me. I don’t think I told you this, but I’ve never had a wedding. I wanted one, so I’ll just plan one for you and Willie. I have this cousin, Vernon Bailey. He’s a designer. We grew up together before he moved to New York. He’s gender-confused, but that boy is good at what he does, and he’s relocating to Houston. I’m going to call him and have him design a gown for you.”

She squeezed Susan’s hand. “Think about this. You’ll have the most glamorous wedding Houston has ever seen. You’ll walk down the aisle in this stunning gown, train and all. You’ll walk down the aisle to Willie. Can’t you see him, Susan? Standing there waiting for you? Standing, waiting for the woman he loves.”

The Cartwright family, and a curious few from the waiting room, crowded around. Mrs. Whitehead brought a wet towel for Susan’s face.

“Now you pull yourself together and go back in there and tell him how much you love him. Tell him about the wedding. He’ll hear you. I know he will. And you just keep thinking about that smiling face waiting at the altar, and the story doesn’t end there. We’ll all come back to this hospital, upstairs, to the maternity ward. You’ll have a beautiful, healthy baby boy who looks just like his father. You know how you love Willie’s deep voice? Well, your baby will have that same voice. Can’t you just hear him? Crying in baritone?”

Susan was alert, her mind straining to hold the image Angie had painted. She walked back into the room and over to the bed.

“Hi, honey. That’s my friend Angie. She’s a little overwrought right now, but she’s a very nice person. Do you know what she’s doing? She’s planning a wedding for us, and she says we’ll come back to this hospital to have our first baby. According to her, we’ll have a son. I love you so much, Will. Please don’t leave me. I want that wedding. I want to have your children, and spend the rest of my life loving you. You can’t leave me.”

She stroked his face until a nurse came in to check his vitals. Susan walked out and found Angie crumpled in an embarrassed heap in the corner of the room.

“I’m sure you think I’m nuts. I could tell you were about to faint, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t even know where those words came from.”

“The words came from God.” Mrs. Cartwright put her arm around Angie’s shoulders. “I believe everything you said will happen. My son will walk out of here and he will stand waiting to take Susan’s hand in marriage, just as you said.”

Mrs. Cartwright’s brother came over, his arms outstretched. “Miss Cross, I’m glad you came back. Willie is gonna wake up and talk to his Uncle Chitty again, and he’ll marry you just like that lady said.” He leaned close to her ear. “And if he don’t, I will.”

“It’s nice to see you again, Uncle Chitty. I hope and pray you’re right, and that it happens very soon.” She smiled and then caught a glimpse of Terri and Jean sipping coffee by the window on the other side of the waiting room. Terri smiled when their eyes met, but Jean glowered with anger. Susan left Mrs. Cartwright and Angie deep in wedding-plan conversation and headed back to say good-bye to Will, but Jean cut her off in the hallway.

“Well, Miss Cross, I see you made the best of your visit. Such dramatics,” she said scornfully.

“I’ve had enough now,” Susan said, turning sharply. “I understand your feelings for Will, but is there more to this? You don’t know me. I’ve never done anything to you, but I detect pure hatred in your voice. We were both hurting when we said good-bye, but there was no animosity between us, so why do I feel so much from you?”

“I’m not concerned about Will’s future if he regains his health, but what happens if that handsome face you fell in love with turns out to be the slack-jawed drooling one in there now? Don’t tell me you’ll love and want to marry him then. You’ll destroy him, Miss Cross. I can see—”

“Eugenia!” Mrs. Cartwright yelled. “What is wrong with you?”

“Now you hold on a minute.” Angie pushed past Mrs. Cartwright and stood between Jean and Susan. “You have no right talking to Susan that way. She almost lost her job over that Cedargrove mess and, whether your brother was involved or not, she had every right to be upset. She paid a hefty price. Your brother wasn’t the only one hurt, and Susan wasn’t just thinking of herself when she broke up with him. Susan is the least selfish person I know, and you’re way out of line here, sister. She’s too polite to strike back, but I’m not. If you love your brother the way you say, you’d know that she loves him, too.”

Jean moved away, but Angie continued.

“Susan is a woman—make that a black woman—in a white man’s world. She’s more intelligent and qualified than most of them, but she’s the one always having to prove herself. I know. I was on that same stage, but Susan made my life better. She even went to bat for the people in Cedargrove against staggering odds. She got Sealand to waive fees that have already mounted to over well over sixty thousand dollars. She’s unselfish, caring, and the best friend I’ve ever had.”