Lost In You (The Soldiers of Wrath MC) (2 page)

Joker gripped his shoulder. “That will mean more to her than anything you’ll ever know.”

Nerd wished he could believe him, he really did. Nodding, he took a sip of his soda and watched the woman that had consumed his every waking moment. They were all gathered outside for a barbeque. With the summer heat it was impossible to stay inside. He didn’t know what was going on, but it was just too damn hot, a heat wave the news called it.

He was tired of feeling hot all the time.

Glancing around the yard, he couldn’t help but be relaxed. The club was his home, and his brothers, his family. They had his back in every single situation, and he loved them all. Nerd would die for each of them, just as he knew they would die for him.

Hannah left the small group of women and headed inside the clubhouse. Finishing off his beer, he made his way into the clubhouse. He didn’t just watch her from afar; he did talk to her every now and then. But what she didn’t know is that he all but stalked her, made sure he knew her every move, because he told himself he did it to make sure she was safe.

Entering the kitchen, he found the large fridge open and Hannah bent inside. When the door slammed closed behind him, she jerked up, turned around, her eyes wide, and a gasp leaving her. He’d scared her.

Fuck.

Holding his hands up in surrender, he tried to do everything to appear less threatening to her.

“It’s just me.”

“You scared me.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

She smiled, and he saw that it was forced.

Just once he’d love to see a smile that wasn’t fucking reserved or filled with questions. It was like she was afraid to be herself.

That fucking cult had damaged her.

Nerd hated the thought of never really knowing the beautiful woman she was before being taken.

She tucked some hair behind her ear. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“No one will hurt you here. You’re safe.”

“I know.” She stared at her hands and then back up at him, taking a deep breath as she did. “I’m trying to fight it.”

“Fight what?”

“The fear. There are times I’m scared that he’s going to come back. I don’t like being alone, and yet, all I want to be is alone. If I’m by myself, I can focus, and I don’t have to see pity in everyone’s eyes.”

“I don’t pity you, Hannah. I’m angry for you. I’m angry for what you’ve lost, and what has been taken from you.” He lowered his hands. “I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know they’ve got your best interests at heart. If you want to be alone, you can be alone, no questions asked.”

She smiled.

Once again, it didn’t reach her eyes, and it was a simple movement of her lips, but he’d take it. “You’re a good man, Nerd,” she said. “It sounds weird calling you that kind of name. I was always a ‘nerd,’ so calling anyone that seems rude.”

He laughed, hoping that she’d see how easy it would be to let go around him. Nerd didn’t need anything else from her, other than her to be relaxed. If he had to, he’d fight every single fucker who came near her to make sure she knew that kind of peace.

His life belonged to her now.

H
annah watched Nerd leave. He’d stayed in the kitchen with her talking for another ten minutes or so, but maybe he saw how uncomfortable she was and that’s why he left? It wasn’t that it was
him, or
his presence that made her feel so awkward, but the fact she didn’t know if she could ever be “normal” again in front of anyone. Being with that cult had really screwed her up, and Hannah hated it so much.

She braced her hands on the counter and breathed out, not knowing what she wanted to do with her life. She was a free woman, didn’t have to live by certain rules, and that felt incredibl but also scared the hell out of her.

The truth was, being free was a lot scarier than being in the cult, and she didn’t know if that was because for so long she’d been chained down, so to speak, tortured, not only physically but mentally as well, or because she felt like she was lost in a way.

She opened her eyes and moved out of the kitchen. She wanted to be alone right now, needed to just be in silence as she got her thoughts together.

The club had been so good to her, had helped her get her GED, which had been so damn hard but also thrilling in the same breath. Though now that she had something to fall back on to help her get a job, Hannah felt her fear take hold and threaten to pull her down. But she pushed it back. She didn’t want to be that scared little girl anymore, didn’t want what had happened to dictate her life. Maybe she needed some therapy? Amy, Joker’s old lady, had spoken to her about when she’d seen a professional about her problems. But would they help Hannah?

She entered the bedroom the club had given to her, shut the door, and for a second just leaned against it, staring at her “belongings, or more aptly what the club owned.

There was a double bed in the corner, a nightstand beside that, a lamp on top of the stand, and a book Deanna, Demon’s old lady had given her. It was about a girl that had to stay strong when she felt like she was losing grasp of her life.

There was a window across from the bed and a dresser pressed up against the wall. She’d been given enough clothes to last her a lifetime, and she didn’t know if the club and the women would ever truly know how grateful she was.

Moving away from the door and walking into the bathroom that was attached to the room, she turned the light on and stared at herself in the mirror. The bathroom light was harsh, showing all her “flaws.” She didn’t know why she did this, but Hannah found herself grabbing the bottom of her shirt and lifting it up and over her head. She placed it on the edge of the sink and looked at her face. Ever so slowly she lowered her gaze down her chest, looked at her plain white bra for a second, and then finally turned around.

She looked over her shoulder and stared at the scars and wounds on her back. They were for the most part almost fully healed, but there were a couple that had gotten infected and the doctor had to tend to them more. Images of how she’d gotten the scars flashed through her mind, but she curled her hands into tight fists and breathed through the memories.

“This doesn’t define you.”

Saying that out loud didn’t dismiss the fact she felt ugly, hated herself for what she had done to her ... for what she’d allowed to have been done to her.

The Family, or cult as what they really were, had been great at first. Supportive and loving, they’d shown her that she didn’t have to be alone in the world. She’d been a runaway, escaping a life that had been filled with an abusive drunk of a father and an absentee mother. She’d dropped out of high school and worked to save money to leave. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she’d packed what little belongings she’d had and hit the road. That’s when she’d meet the “Family.” They’d taken her in, given her food, shelter, love. It was all things she’d never been given while growing up. It had always been, always felt like Hannah had been up against the world.

Breathing out roughly, she thought about what she’d been through, and how nothing had seemed to work out the way she’d wanted it to. It was hard not thinking of the past, though, of how she’d fucked up.

It hadn’t taken long for the Family to warp, twist into something evil like demons hiding in human bodies. It had been like whiplash, and she’d been so damn confused by it all. Then there had been the abuse, the rape, and then the being strung up like an offering.

She pushed the past away and got her shirt back on. After leaving the bathroom she went over to the window and pushed the curtain aside. Her room was in the back of the club, so when she looked out the window she saw the back property. Below was where the barbecue was going on, the club members and their women, the club girls and even some other bikers from clubs in the surrounding cities, had come to be together. They were a family, and no matter what they stuck together.

It was so nice to watch this but also made her sad, made her long for something like this in her life. She felt her scars throb, as if reminding who she really was. She hated it, hated she didn’t have more control of herself.

Pushing those thoughts and feelings away, she focused on the club, on where she was at now.

The MC made her feel welcome, but she wasn’t a fool in thinking she could stay here forever.

Her focus landed on Nerd, who was over by the grill. He flipped burgers while he drank a beer. Skull and Brash, other members of the club, where beside him, all looking relaxed, comfortable in their skins. Whatever Nerd said had the other two men laughing and clapping him on the back.

But the other MC members wandered off and then it was just Nerd standing there. And then he lifted his head and looked right at her. Had he felt her stare on him? There was something about him that had this tingle racing up her spine every time she saw him. And she couldn’t deny the fact she noticed he watched her. It should have been a little unnerving the way he stared at her all the time, though it actually made Hannah feel safe.

But she knew she could never be with anyone, not for a long time at least. She was damaged, dare she even say broken. And at only eighteen. What a sad life if this was how things had gone so far. Maybe one day she’d find someone that could accept her for who she was. Because it would take one hell of a man to deal with the shit she’d gone through.

T
wo weeks later

Nerd continued to keep his distance from Hannah, giving her the space to realize that she was safe and shouldn’t fear him. The nights of her waking up afraid had gotten to the breaking point two weeks ago after the barbeque. He wished he knew what had set off her panic attack, but for an hour straight she had screamed until they had no choice but to call the doctor to sedate her. When she woke up, he’d talked to her about seeing a doctor.

She’d declined. In the end, Amy had been the one to finally make her agree to see someone. She had resented it, he’d seen how angry she was that they were making her see someone, but she’d not given them a choice.

Hannah wasn’t getting better, as much as he wished that she was, she wasn’t. The therapy was the next resort, and he only hoped it worked.

“You’re cleaning your bike again,” Skulls said, coming to stand beside him.

“I clean my bike all the time.” He got the polish cloth and rubbed at the streak on the main body.

“I’ve never known your bike to be so clean.”

“I’m doing whatever I need to in order to keep me busy.”

“Hannah?”

Nerd paused and glanced up at one of his friends, and brother. “Hannah has started some summer classes. The old ladies, even the therapist apparently, said it might do her well to be around others.”

Skulls nodded. “It might, but there’s no way that chick is getting away to college. She can’t even sleep at night without going into a full-blown panic attack. She’s too delicate.”

“She’s not handling her past very well, and I don’t know if I’m helping her now or I’m just in the way.” Nerd sat on the seat of his bike and stared up at the sky. It was another hot day, and he was growing tired of life in general. He’d never felt so helpless. Throughout the whole of his life, he’d been pushing for everything, he fought every day for his place. Being part of the Soldiers was one of the best achievements of his life.

“You’re helping her.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Think about it, you’re giving her a home, a place to stay. You help her more than any brother here. If it wasn’t for you, Amy wouldn’t have pushed her to go to that witch doctor.”

“Therapist.”

“Whatever, it’s all the same to me. Hannah, she’s fucked in the head, I know that, and it tears me up inside. She needs to repair that before she can move on.” Skulls shrugged. “You’re doing the right thing, giving her time.”

Nerd nodded and thanked him. Skulls was not known for being a man of words, so the fact he’d said a couple spoke volumes.

Getting back to his bike, he continued to clean it until it shone. He loved his bike, but he’d never been the kind to actually clean with such obsession as he had recently.

The club was quiet today. Deanna and Demon were out with baby Ty. Daniella and Shakes were trying to think of ways to induce labor. Amy, Joker, Steel, and Eloise were around but doing their own shit, and Shakes and Elena were probably at a BDSM club.