Lost In You (The Soldiers of Wrath MC) (10 page)

“Hey...” He stopped speaking when he saw the focused look on her face. When she was in the garage, her eyes wide, her hands balled into fists at her sides, all instinct rose up. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay? Did someone fuck with you?”

She was in front of him only a second later, had her hands clenched around his T-shirt, and looked into his eyes.

“Baby girl, you’re scaring the shit out of me.”

But she didn’t speak and instead rose on her toes and kissed him. After a second she pulled away, breathing harder, heavier. “I saw Jamie, spoke with her. She told me what she did, what she tried to do with you.”

He clenched his jaw. “I hadn’t wanted you to see her. She’s a conniving bitch.”

“I know,” she said softly.

He cupped her cheek and stroked her soft skin. “I love you so fucking much.” She smiled, and that one gesture could light up the whole fucking room. “I thought you were hurt, that someone really fucked with you. I was ready to hunt them down and slit their throat.”

“Jamie won’t be in my life anymore. I wish you would have told me you went to speak with her though.”

He exhaled and nodded. “Yeah, I should have. I don’t want to keep anything from you.”

“I don’t want that either.”

Nerd wanted to be honest with her, wanted nothing between them. She’d already had so many obstacles in her life that he wanted to make things easier for her, smooth. But a part of him knew he’d probably fuck up somehow. He was cold and hardened, and all he’d ever known was how to be a hardcore biker. Would Hannah be able to still love him when she really understood that was who he was, no matter how gentle he was to her?

O
ver the next few weeks Hannah continued to see Nerd, go to classes, and she ceased all counseling. Amy offered to go with her for her first session but it wasn’t something she wanted to do. None of the Soldiers forced her, which she liked. Amy kept encouraging her to go, but she had made a decision, and that was final.

She sat outside of the clubhouse as a party was going on full swing, and she stared up at the stars. Nerd had to go on a beer run, and he’d be returning soon. She hoped when he got back, she’d be able to go on a nice long walk with him to just talk. That was what she wanted. Parties at the clubhouse were still large and boisterous. No one tried anything with her, but they made her uncomfortable ... life anymore made her uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong?” Weasel asked, coming to sit beside her. He kept a careful distance from her.

In the early days of her being at the clubhouse she would scream the house down with a panic attack if anyone came near her. But she knew she was making progress, if only a small amount, when she felt calm around others.

“I’m waiting for Nerd.”

“He’ll be back before you know it.”

She nodded and looked back at the stars. “It’s a beautiful night,” she said.

“Yeah, it is.” A moment of silence passed between them. “You and Nerd, it’s the real deal?” Weasel took a sip of his beer, and she looked over at him and thought about his question. In the elemental and basic sense she knew they were, but she also knew she had a long way to go before she could be a decent partner to anyone.

She nodded, though, not wanting to talk about that to anyone.

“It’s the real deal. At least, I think it is.” She kept the rest of her thoughts to herself. “Even to my own ears that sounds crazy.” She ran fingers through her hair, brushing out the knots as she did. “He’s a really sweet guy.”

“Only with you,” Weasel said.

She glanced at him again.

“Do you
really
know Nerd? The club?” Weasel asked.

“I don’t think I understand what you’re trying to ask.”

“Open your eyes, Hannah. You’re living in a protective bubble. We’ve all been protecting you. Now I thought you and Nerd had something but this, it’s not going to work, not now, not tomorrow, not ever.”

Hannah frowned, so shocked by what he was saying that she couldn’t even respond. “I don’t get—”

“Nerd is part of one of the most feared biker clubs going around. How do you think we got that reputation? It wasn’t by handing out chocolate and flowers. We’re killers, Hannah. We killed the people that took you, and we’ve killed a hell of a lot more since.”

She knew this.

“He’s not a gentleman. That party in there,” he tipped his chin toward the clubhouse, “Nerd would be balls-deep in fucking pussy by now.”

A shocked gasp left her at his crude words.

“Instead, you’ve got him all twisted up in your own shit to see what the fuck is going on.”

“I don’t understand why you’re telling me this, why you’re saying it in the first place.”

He shook his head. “I want you to open your eyes, Hannah. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just being me, and being real with you.” He threw his bottle away, and she heard it smash against the asphalt. She wasn’t used to this kind of outrage from the Soldiers, even if she didn’t know Weasel that well. From the cult that had taken her, yes. This, it was all wrong.

“I am just saying until you get your head on straight, until you get your shit worked out, you can’t really be
there
in the ways that matter.” He stared at her. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

She started to shake as his words hit home. Yeah, she knew what he meant, had thought about it herself, but to hear someone else say it ... she exhaled, not knowing how to respond.

“What the fuck?” Nerd said from behind Weasel, his voice booming, his outrage clear.

Hannah turned to the man who had given her hope in her darkest hours. She looked at him, and she knew that Weasel was right, even if she didn’t want to admit it to anyone but herself. She was damaged, and as much as she wanted to be with Nerd, she was afraid of herself and ruining everything. How could she be everything that Nerd needed when she could only just stand his touch?

“Man, I wasn’t going to hurt her, and I was just speaking the truth.”

“It’s not your place to get between us, or to say shit to her.”

“Everyone thinks you and her, it’s a good thing. It’s not, and I’m sorry I have to be the one to break it down. Don’t you see, she’s fucking petrified, and until she gets her head on straight she’s no good here. She’s a liability, man. We’re a club, united together, Nerd. Your mind isn’t even on the job half the fucking time but on her, and that puts the club in jeopardy. You haven’t even claimed her as your old lady, so how can you expect the club to back you up?”

Nerd didn’t respond, but he looked pissed as hell.

“I don’t need a man on the road who has his head on the pussy he’s trying to fill.”

Nerd took a step toward Weasel. “You better shut the fuck up, man.”

“What the hell is going on here?” Demon asked, suddenly stumbling out of the club with Deanna on his arm.

Hannah hated this. She hated being the center of attention where all eyes fell to her. She hated being the one to cause problems. This was never the life she wanted, and she’d never wanted to cause trouble or a rift between brothers.

She looked toward Nerd. The intention of violence surrounded him. He wanted to do damage, but she knew he was holding back because she was there. She wasn’t whole enough to be ready for him. He deserved so much more.

Their perfect dates; it wasn’t enough. Even to her, their time together wasn’t enough.

“He’s right,” she finally said.

“What?” Nerd asked incredulously. “Don’t listen to this asshole, Hannah.”

She shook her head. “You and me, this is never going to work, not until I can work on myself.”
At least it can’t work right now.

“Hannah, we’re doing fine, baby. I won’t pressure you. You know that.”

“I know that, Nerd. But I don’t want fine for you. I want you to have what Amy and Joker have. What all of the club couples have. You deserve that, and more. Right now, I’m holding you back. Look at me, Nerd. I’m broken. I want to be good for you, want my head in the right place, because you deserve that. We deserve that.”

Nerd moved toward her. “You’re beautiful and making progress. Give it time.”

She shook her head. “I’m not fine, not fully. That day at the lake, I wanted you, and yet I was terrified at the same time. That’s not fair. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want that for me.” She was adamant for him to see. There was not going to be a future between them if she remained like this. She had to go, and she had to be on her own and heal. “Deanna, can you take me somewhere?”

“Wait, hold on just a fucking minute. You’re not going anywhere,” Nerd said.

She took a step toward him and touched his cheek. “I have to go.”

“No, I don’t want you to go. Weasel doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s talking about.”

“He does. You need to open your eyes and see this, Nerd. I’m not whole. One day I will be, and then you and I can be together the way it was meant to be.”

She went onto her tiptoes, and even though she wanted to run in the opposite direction, she brushed her lips against his. “I love you, Nerd. Please wait for me.”

N
erd watched as Hannah climbed into Deanna’s car, and Demon held him back. “You’ve got to let her go. That’s what she wants.”

His very reason for living anymore was in that fucking car, and they expected him to just watch her go?

“No. She’s fucking mine. Let me go, Demon.”

Still, he was no match for Demon and the president’s strength. There was a reason the large fucker was the Prez of their club, and he was showing it off just a touch too much in that moment.

“This isn’t your call but hers. Don’t make this any harder.”

Demon let go of him and as much as Nerd wanted to go after her, he found himself rooted to the spot, shocked to the core. He watched as Deanna pulled away. Hannah stared at him, the sorrow and pain on her face. No, he couldn’t let her go.

The moment the car wasn’t in sight, he exhaled and ran a hand over his face. What the fuck had he done? Why hadn’t he tried harder to get her to stay? And then he felt his rage fill him. Nerd turned, searching for the motherfucker that had done this and pushed her over the edge.

“You pathetic fuck. What the fuck were you thinking?” He stormed over to the man and was glad the other biker didn’t retreat. He shoved Weasel hard.

“I was doing the right thing.” Weasel’s voice was slurred, and the stench of alcohol came from him. But Nerd didn’t give a shit if the fucker was drunk.

He curled his hand into a fist, and needing to let out his aggression, he threw a right hook to Weasel’s jaw. Weasel’s head cocked to the side from the impact.

“Doing the right thing? The woman who owns my fucking heart has just left me because of what you said.” He threw a punch at Weasel’s face again. The man took it all.

But then the drunken anger came through Weasel. He suddenly burst free, landing a blow of his own, thrusting Nerd backward from the force.

“I did what no one else was going to fucking do. I made you open those pretty eyes of yours.” Weasel spat blood onto the ground and bared his teeth.

“You fucked everything up.” Nerd rushed in, slamming his fist against Weasel’s side. Weasel then responded with an uppercut jab. They parted, and Nerd wiped the blood from his mouth.

“I did what I had to, not just for the good of the club, but for the good of yourself and that woman.

“I did what I did because I want her as my old lady, you motherfucker.” Nerd spat the words out. “We were helping each other.” Nerd bared his own teeth.

“Yeah, I’m sure you were helping her. It has been a couple of months. You went on a couple of dates, and she struggled to have me sitting near her. Does she even
really
know you, know the shit you’ve done, would do? Hate me, beat on me, I don’t give a fuck. But don’t think I did this lightly.” Weasel pushed him out of the way as he made his way into the clubhouse.

Their scene had caused an audience. Staring at the pitying looks, Nerd had had enough. “What the fuck are you staring at? Get fucking gone.”

“You know he’s right,” Demon finally said.

Nerd glared at his President. “So you’re turning on me too?”

Demon just shook his head.