Lost In You (The Soldiers of Wrath MC) (12 page)

“Sorry, what was I doing?”

“You were staring out of the window, completely oblivious to the world around you. You’ve been doing that a lot, but it’s good. It means you’re clearing your head.”

“I was just thinking.” She rubbed her hands down her thighs and took a seat opposite Patty.

Deanna’s friend was so kind and gentle.

“Were you thinking about your male friend?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Nerd, that’s his name. Maybe one day you’d like to meet him. I mean, if that’s not too much.”

Hannah was aware that Patty had struggles similar to hers, and on the first night Patty had confided in Hannah and told her about when, over ten years ago, she’d been gang raped. The men who hurt her were in a prison, but there wasn’t a day that went by that Patty didn’t think about what she’d been through. Hannah didn’t know how Patty coped with that, yet here she was in a lovely home, serving tea.

“I’d be happy to meet your friend. He sounds like a nice man.”

“He is nice. At least he’s nice to me. Not many people would call him nice to his face.”

Patty laughed. “He’s one of those kinds of men. The possessive kind?”

“Is this too much for you to talk about?” Hannah asked.

She watched as Patty didn’t answer and simply poured them both a drink, taking time to add milk and sugar.

“Hannah, what happened to me was awful, and it happened a long time ago, but I try not to dwell on it. It’s with me, is who I am, but I won’t allow it to shape me.”

“I’m not judging.”

“I know. I’ve learned to control the fear that once gripped me. After it happened, I couldn’t stand to be in a room with anyone for fear of getting too close. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.”

“What changed?”

“I started to go to therapy, and that worked for a while. I wasn’t really living. I wanted to be the woman I was before, and you know what, that was my problem. I wanted to be someone that it hadn’t happened to. I couldn’t do that. It had happened, and I was allowing it to define who I was. So, I decided that from that moment on, when I realized that my life was being ruined and they were continuing to win, that I had to fight. I had to fight to be who I am today.”

“I’m not that strong.”

“I don’t know. You were strong enough to be with a man you had loved. That takes a lot of guts. You’ve just got to find that part of you that wants this, Hannah. I have a group with women and men who have suffered.”

“Men?”

Patty looked sad. “There are even men who suffer like us. We don’t judge, and it has been a week. In that week I have seen you staring out of that window and withdrawn. Deanna told me you wanted to get better. Is that true?”

“Yes, more than anything.”

“Then come to the group. See the men and women, listen to them. You might find something you never thought was possible.”

“Like what?”

“Strength, hope, and the want to be the one in control.”

She had to take charge and the only way to do that was to put herself in these situations. Hannah would do it. For herself, and for Nerd, she would.

N
erd sat up in bed, rubbed his hand over his cheek, and felt the several days’ worth of beard that covered his flesh. It had been weeks since he’d seen Hannah, and all he could keep thinking about, seeing in his head, was her getting into Deanna’s car and leaving.

“Fuck,” he said to himself and looked around the room. He didn’t know what time it was but the sun was up and shining through the small window above his bed. He was a fucking wreck, and he didn’t even care who saw him going through hell. He loved Hannah so much, and her leaving, the prospect of her never coming back, had this violent beast rising up. He wanted blood drawn, wanted to destroy shit, and it was all because he was breaking apart inside.

Nerd wasn’t that much of a bad-ass that he couldn’t admit the hole left in him when the woman he loved left. There was a part of him, shortly after she’d gone, that had been pissed at her. How could she just walk away from him, from what they had? Did she not love him the way he loved her?

But after he’d gone through that angry stage he knew she’d done what she had to do to better herself. This wasn’t just about them and their relationship, but about her healing. She’d been through fucking hell before he found her, and even before the cult had gotten her. She’d been a drifter, not knowing where to go or whom to trust. But then that fucking cult had destroyed her and torn her in two when she’d already been so fragile.

Nerd had also questioned whether he’d pushed her too far too fast. She’d said he hadn’t, but maybe deep down in a place she hadn’t even realized, she had felt as though he had?

“Fuck,” he said again and pushed himself off the bed. He grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom. Shutting the door and staring at his reflection, the man that looked back at him looked like he hadn’t slept in a week and had been living off booze.

Dark circles were under his eyes, he had a beard going on, and his hair, although short, was unkempt. Hell, he didn’t give a fuck about how he looked.

“You need to get your shit together, because the road you’re taking is bringing you down,” he said to his reflection. But saying that to himself didn’t change the fact that he wanted Hannah, needed her in his life.

Even weeks later he couldn’t get out of this rut in his life. He hadn’t gotten any information from Deanna where Hannah was, but he wasn’t the type of man to bully or pressure a woman to get information out of her, especially not the Prez’s old lady.

He hadn’t spoken to Weasel since their last fight, and he didn’t know if he ever would. Maybe if Hannah did come back he’d address the fact that whether Weasel had been right or not, the other biker had no room to open his fucking mouth. It hadn’t been up to him to say anything to Hannah.

Nerd had tried looking for her on his own, but he’d come up with nothing. The bus stations wouldn’t tell him if she’d bought a ticket, even when he’d threatened them. And she didn’t know anyone aside from the club that she could have gone to stay with.

He was in the dark, and it was the worst fucking feeling in the world.

He turned from the mirror and started the shower. Before it even warmed up he was in it, letting the frigid water beat down on his back. Bracing a hand on the tile wall in front of him, Nerd closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly. He had to believe Hannah would be back because she loved him too much to stay away.

And when she did come, which he had to keep telling himself, he needed to have his shit together and not be a fucking wreck. He didn’t want her to see him that way. Being strong for her, but also for himself, was what they both needed.

H
annah stared at the sealed envelope in her hand, nervous because she knew where it was going.

“You’re doing really well, Hannah,” Patty said and smiled at her. The other woman held her hand out and Hannah gave her the letter.

Over the last couple of weeks Hannah had learned a lot about herself. She’d been speaking with other people at Patty’s retreat, had been giving herself time to just think and sort things out, and she felt freer. But she also missed Nerd so damn much. She loved him, and walking away had been one of the hardest things she’d done, even after all she’d been through.

The note was just to tell Nerd she was doing well, that she was feeling as if the darkness she’d had inside of her, even some buried too deep for her to control, was going away. She told him she loved him, that she missed him, and not a day went by where she didn’t think about him. She also told him she’d be back, because she would.

She may never be truly healed, would always have her past as part of her life, but Hannah was making progress. She was here, doing this, because she wanted to be a better person and live a better life. She also did this for Nerd, because being with him made her a better person, and in the end being happy was what life was about.

She just hoped Nerd could see that what she’d done hadn’t been because she wanted to go, but because she had to do this not only for herself, but because she wanted to be healthy for him too.

W
easel watched as Nerd carried mechanical parts that needed to be dumped to the truck, throwing them inside. For the past few months he’d been watching his friend spiral out of control, and even though he didn’t want to do it, he had no choice. No one else could either see nor care to interfere with Hannah and Nerd. Yes, they looked sweet together but he also saw how Hannah cringed away from Nerd. She needed the chance to heal, just as Nerd needed time away from her.

“Do you regret doing what you did?” Demon asked, coming to stand beside him.

“No. It had to be done.”

“He’s not been the same with you.”

“Well, that’s brothers for you. They don’t much care for what is good for them, do they.” Weasel shrugged. “How is Hannah doing?”

“From what Deanna tells me, she’s doing good. She’s getting better, and Patty has nothing but positive things to say.”

“Good. I’m glad.” Just because he’d pointed out the obvious to Hannah, he had hoped she’d take his advice and try to find the path that helped her to heal. Weasel doubted she’d ever be truly whole, but at least she was at a place within herself that was somewhat healed, she was better than what she was.

“He still keeps trying to hit you,” Demon said.

“In his eyes, I took away his girl, and he’s not going to forgive me. I hope when she comes back, he’ll forgive me.”

Weasel had accepted that. Even as Nerd spiraled out of control, Weasel knew he’d done the right thing and didn’t doubt himself for a second.

One of the reasons he was called Weasel was because he was able to weasel his way into situations that were really not his concern.

“I’m going to go out for a ride,” he said.

Grabbing his bike, he straddled his machine, loving the feel of it between his thighs. There was no way he’d ever be able to live without his bike. It was his pride and joy. Turning over the ignition, he fired his beauty up and without looking back, he rode on out of the clubhouse, heading for whatever piece of heaven he could find.

Hannah would be back, he was sure of it. When she did, another brother would be down.

Weasel wouldn’t admit it to his brothers but he was a little jealous of the connections they had all found with their partners. He’d witnessed the lust, followed by the love with Demon and Deanna. Joker’s fight over his feelings for Amy. Steel found his soulmate in Eloise. Then Shakes’ determination to claim Daniella. A woman he should never have gotten close to. Finally, Striker and Elena.

Each couple finding a love that was so strong they had stopped their whoring, drinking, and drugging ways.

Maybe one day, he’d find a woman for himself.

Shaking his head, he charged forward on the open road, looking forward to whatever future lay ahead for him.