Lost In You (The Soldiers of Wrath MC) (11 page)

“You said I could be what she deserved.”

Demon exhaled. “I know what I said. What you have to realize is that she needs to get to the point of being strong for herself before she can be with you. Hell, man, even I can see that. Hannah needs to heal, and you’ve got to let her. This is her life, and it’s up to Hannah what road she wants to take.”

“What if I never see her again?” Nerd asked, despair suddenly filling him. He didn’t even know where she was going.

“Then at least you knew what love felt like.” Demon slapped him on the back. “The way Hannah looked at you, she’s going to be back and when she is, you better be ready for her.”

“A
re you sure this is what you want?” Deanna asked, and all Hannah could do was stare at the bus station in front of them.

“No,” she replied honestly. Hannah had no idea what in the fuck she was doing or where in the hell she was going.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to do this.”

Hannah looked at Deanna, one of the sweetest people she’d ever met. Hell, every female at the club had been so kind and generous to her.

“Do you even know anyone, know where to go?” Deanna looked so sad for her.

Hannah leaned back in the seat and exhaled. “No on both accounts, but I didn’t know where else to go, or what else to do.” She closed her eyes and breathed out again, not sure if what she was doing was the right thing.

“Look at me, honey.”

Hannah turned her head and stared at the other woman. They didn’t speak for long seconds, and the emotion coming from Deanna was tangible.

“Nerd loves you, that’s plain as day. He’d do anything for you. No matter what anyone else says, and no matter what you think is right or wrong, you have to do what makes you happy.” Deanna smiled. “If this is really what you want to do, and not because some drunk biker asshole spouted off at the mouth, then I support you. But if you’re doing this because you’re scared, because you don’t think you’re worthy...” Deanna shook her head. “I’m just saying, do what you have to do in order to heal from the inside. Make yourself whole before you worry about anyone or anything else.” Deanna reached out and took hold of her hand, giving it a little squeeze.

Hannah knew what the woman was saying, and although she was afraid of leaving, didn’t want to go away from Nerd. Hearing Weasel’s words play out in her head cemented a lot of things in her. She knew she had to make herself whole, or as whole as she could be, if she wanted any chance of her own happily ever after.

“I need to make myself whole,” she found herself whispering.

Deanna smiled. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing this for you.” She patted Hannah’s hand. “I have a friend that is only an hour outside of town. She runs a small spa-type business in the mountains, kind of like a retreat. It’s nothing traditional, and it’s pretty spiritual but also healing. It’s more holistic than medical, but the setting and peace will help you come to your own conclusion.” Deanna smiled again. “Does that sound like something you’d like to try, or would you prefer to get on a bus and wander?” Deanna asked genuinely. “Whatever you decide there will be no judgment, believe me.”

Hannah didn’t need to think about it. “Your friend’s place sounds nice.” She didn’t want to wander, didn’t want to be lost, even to herself. “But all I ask is that you don’t tell anyone where I’m at. I need to get my head on straight, and if Nerd knows where I’m at I don’t think he’ll just stand back.”

Deanna shook her head, a small smile on her lips. “No, I don’t think he would. I won’t say anything. It’s no one’s business but yours.”

Tears filled Hannah’s eyes as she thought about leaving Nerd but also about coming back to him. She just hoped he’d still be there for her when she returned.

H
annah had only been gone for a few hours, but Nerd was a fucking wreck. He sat at the bar in the clubhouse, the nearly empty bottle of vodka in front of him, his vision blurry but the pain of her being gone still so strong. Not even getting piss ass drunk could take that away.

He heard a few club whores laughing behind him and turned to see one of them sitting on Weasel’s lap, and another one shaking her tits in front of his face. The party was still going on strong, none of the bikers even aware how much pain Nerd was in. Or maybe they did and didn’t want to be sucked up in it? Either way he preferred drinking and suffering alone.

But the longer he stared at Weasel, the more he wanted to go over there and really beat the shit out of him. Maybe Hannah had planned on leaving this whole time, or maybe that fucker had pushed her over the edge?

“Have another one and push that anger back. We don’t need bloodshed in here tonight, man.”

Nerd looked over at Vengeance. The other biker was behind the bar, a new bottle of vodka in his hand.

“What the fuck do you know about any of this, or what I should and shouldn’t do?” Nerd’s voice was so damn slurred, and he was drunk as fuck, but he still felt like shit.

I
should
go after her. I should find out where she’s at. How could I let her just leave?

Vengeance set the bottle on the counter and held up his hands. “I’m just saying let’s drink another one and leave the bloodshed for another day, yeah?”

Nerd glared at the other man but nodded once.

Right now drinking and stewing in his own emotions was about all he could do. At least until Deanna had come back and he could find out where in the fuck his woman went. But what he wasn’t going to let go, no matter how much liquor he consumed, was the need to beat Weasel’s ass until the man admitted what he had done, how much he’d fucked up, had been a bad idea and not his place.

O
ne week went by and Nerd hadn’t heard from Hannah. The moment Deanna had gotten back, he’d tried to find out where she’d taken Hannah, but Deanna wouldn’t talk.

“It’s what she needs. This is about her.”

Nerd hadn’t pressed even though he’d wanted to force Deanna to tell him. He held back. Deanna was a good woman, and he trusted her not to put Hannah in danger. The first night, he’d drunk himself into oblivion and because of how much he drank, he even missed the first day she was gone, so that wasn’t so bad. Of course, the second day, he had to do some errands for the club, and each second of that day was a painful reminder that when he got back to the clubhouse, she wasn’t there.

He ordered Weasel to stay out of his way. There was no way he was going to be able to live with that man after what he’d done. He’d taken Hannah away from him, and that hole was not closing up easily. Each day, he did what he needed to do and every night, he settled down with a bottle of scotch, desperate for one of his brothers to pick a fight. He’d take the pain of their fists over the pain in his heart.

The pain was more than he could stand. That was how the first week ended and when he woke up Monday morning, outside, staring up at the sunshine with a killer headache, Nerd didn’t know how much he could take. One week, that was all that had passed. One fucking week, and he was a wreck.

“You look like shit,” Weasel said.

Closing his eyes, he rubbed at his temples. “I’ve told you to stay the fuck away from me.”

“Yeah, well, a week was all I was going to give you. You’ve got to get over your shit and face the real world.”

“The real world is not what I want to face right now. You took her away.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

Sitting up, he glared at the man he used to call brother. “You didn’t do anything?”

“If it wasn’t for me, Hannah wouldn’t be trying to make herself better.”

“Better? The woman I love, the only woman who has ever meant anything to me, and you butt your big fucking nose into my business, and you think I should be grateful.”

“You weren’t doing anything to help her. The girl was a complete and total wreck.”

Getting to his feet, Nerd lost any kind of headache he started. The anger that he’d kept plied with liquor for most of the week seemed to fade within an instant of talking to the man who’d screwed up his life.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me if you think for a second that I’m going to thank you.”

“Yeah, well I already figured this kind of thanks was going to take some time.”

“You fucking asshole.” Storming up toward him, he poked a finger against Weasel’s chest. Demon had asked him to not attack Weasel and to see the reasoning his brother had. Right at that moment, he didn’t see any. He saw the man who had fucked with his woman’s head, and now he was alone. “She was all I had.”

“And what you had wasn’t enough. She couldn’t handle your touch. She couldn’t even handle you to be near her, not really. One day you will thank me.”

Slamming his fist against Weasel’s face, he knocked him clean out. Nerd had never been a dirty fighter, and so he walked away. “That isn’t going to happen today.”

Demon had arrived at the clubhouse with Ty, his son.

“I asked you not to start a fight with him.”

“I didn’t start a fight. I simply told him the way it was going to be.”

“I mean it, Nerd, I don’t want fighting in my club.”

Nerd paused and stared at his club Prez. “Do you know where Hannah is?”

“If I did, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“That’s fucking bullshit.”

“No, it’s not. I believe what Weasel was saying is right, and you’re wrong, Nerd. None of us could help Hannah. This was what she needed to do, and you have to learn to accept that.”

Nerd gritted his teeth, staring at Ty who was sucking on his fist. The explosion of innocence in front of him made Nerd take a step back. What he was doing? He needed to tone his shit down.

“One day, Nerd, one day you’ll see what’s right in front of you. Until then get high on all the drugs, liquor, and pussy you can.”

“I don’t want any pussy. I was happy with the woman I had.”

Just the thought of being with another woman turned him the fuck off.

Even if she never returned, he’d rather die than have to touch another woman.

“Y
ou’re doing that thing again,” Patty said.

Hannah turned away from the window to see Patty, the friend that Deanna had taken her to, standing behind her. Patty had brought in some tea and a few cookies.