Love Comes in Darkness (18 page)

“Annette?” Howard asked, and she laughed. That was all he needed for confirmation. She’d always sounded great when she talked, but Annette could give a donkey a run for its money when she laughed.

Sophia put her head back onto Howard’s shoulder. “You look just like your mother did when she was your age.” Howard heard papers rustle. “I brought some pictures that you can have,” Annette said. “This one is of your mother when she was in the first grade.”

“She looks like me,” Sophia whispered, and Howard felt her shift away from him.

“That’s because you’re as pretty as she was. This is the two of us when we were thirteen,” Annette said, and Sophia shifted again. Howard set her down and listened as Annette told Sophia story after story about her mother. Some of the stories were new to him, and Howard found himself smiling more than once.

“Thank you, Annette,” Howard said after she told them it was time for her to leave.

“You’re welcome, hon,” she said, patting his hand.

Gordy patted Howard’s other hand, probably to get his attention. “She seems happier,” Gordy whispered. “How are you holding up?”

“Okay, I guess,” Howard answered, locating his cup and then cradling it carefully in his hands. “How long are you and Patrick staying?” Howard asked Ken.

“We were planning to stay a few days. Patrick figured you might need some help,” Ken said. Howard felt a tug on his hand, and he released the mug.

“I know there will be a lot to do, and we’re here to help,”
Patrick signed against his hand.

“Thank you,” Howard said. Their support, along with Gordy’s, was really comforting. “There’s so much, and I don’t know where to start or even what decisions I need to make. The lawyer is handling all the estate things, and Mrs. Jorgenson, the other executor, is handling a lot of the other things, but I haven’t been able to think about much other than the funeral and Sophia.” He also needed to make decisions about what he was going to do for Sophia and himself. The decisions he needed to make would affect both their lives, and all of it was on his shoulders.

“We know,” Ken said softly. “I understand the decisions you need to make. I had to make some of them as well.”

“Uncle Howie,” Sophia said much more happily.

“She’s clutching those pictures to her,” Gordy whispered.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Howard asked.

“Can we make an album of Mommy pictures?” she asked.

Howard swallowed hard. “Of course you can,” he answered.

“Will you help me?” she asked. Howard wanted to tell her he would. But arranging pictures, something he’d never seen or would ever see in his life, was beyond him. To him, they were just pieces of smooth, slightly slippery paper.

“I’ll be glad to help you too, if you want,” Gordy volunteered. Howard almost gasped but kept it to himself.

“Thank you, Gordy,” Sophia said. “Can we go home now?”

“In a few minutes,” Howard told her. “Ken, do you and Patrick want to come back to the house?”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like a bit of quiet time?” Ken asked.

“No. I think I need people around right now,” Howard said. “I have some things I need to ask you.”

“All right. Give us the address, and we’ll find it,” Ken said, and Howard smiled slightly. Token whined softly from beneath the table, and Howard called him out.

“I need to take him outside,” Howard explained.

“I’ll go with you,” Ken offered.

“I can stay here with Sophia,” Gordy volunteered, and Howard shuffled toward the door.

The air outside smelled fresh and clean, with a hint of water in the air. He felt the sun on his skin as he stepped across the grass. “Do I need a bag?” Howard asked.

“No, but his back teeth must have been floating,” Ken said, and Howard got the idea. “I know this is hard, and from what I’ve seen, you’re doing a great job getting through this.”

“That’s good to know, but what do I do long-term? I need to do what’s best for her.” Howard swallowed.

“Follow your heart and you’ll know what to do,” Ken said. Howard agreed, but he wasn’t so sure. What his heart was telling him and what he wanted weren’t necessarily what Sophia needed. She deserved someone who could give her their full attention, someone who could keep her safe. More than anything, Howard wanted that to be him, but he wasn’t sure it could be. Ken took his hand. “I mean it, Howard. Don’t let doubts and fear rule your thinking. I know how that feels, and when that happens, it overwhelms everything and clouds what’s really important.”

“I know what’s important,” Howard snapped and then instantly wished he hadn’t. “I really do. That’s what scares the hell out of me. Sophia is all that matters.”

“You’re allowed to grieve too,” Ken said. “You have to deal with Lizzy’s death so you can help Sophia deal with it. This has been hard on you. Probably harder than it would be otherwise.”

“Because I’m blind? Why does everything come back to that?”

“Because it does, just like almost everything comes back to the fact that Patrick can’t speak. There are many people he can’t communicate with because there isn’t a means. They don’t know how to sign or aren’t willing to make allowances so he can communicate. It’s part of the way things are for him. Part of the world is closed to him, just as it is for you. But for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve never let that stop you. And you can’t now.

“You’ve lost the one person most important to you. Lizzy was the person you counted on above all others. She would always tell you the truth, even when you didn’t want it,” Ken continued. Howard remembered the times he’d called Ken, angry enough to spit over something Lizzy had said, but she’d always spoken her mind, when others had kept quiet because he couldn’t see. “And that’s what you’re going to miss. You lived far from her. She wasn’t a part of your daily life, but she was your sounding board. You’ll grieve for a time and then move on because your life will move on in many ways.”

“But that won’t happen for Sophia,” Howard whispered. “She’s lost her mother—one of the most important people in her life—and she’s only six. I was lucky enough to have mine until I was an adult. But she….”

“Sophia has the next best thing to a mother. She has you,” Ken said.

“Thanks,” Howard said, even though he wasn’t convinced that was true. There were so many things he didn’t know about being a parent, and if he was willing to admit it, what things he did know were all complicated by the fact that he couldn’t see. It scared him half to death. Up till now, all he’d ever been responsible for was himself.

“Are you ready to go back inside?” Ken asked.

“Yeah. Sophia is probably looking for me,” Howard said. Ken took his arm and guided him toward the walk. Then he released him, and Howard made his way back inside with just Token. He knew these steps and walks well; it had just taken a brief reminder and the childhood memories had come back to him. He made his way back to the community room and entered to a surprising sound, something he hadn’t expected to hear: Sophia’s laughter. It wasn’t loud, but it was there, mixed in with all the other conversations.

Howard headed for that soft sound like a congregation gathering toward the call of a church bell. She was happy, at least momentarily. “Uncle Howie,” Sophia called, and he heard her unmistakable footsteps. Instead of barreling into him, she instead took his hand. “Aunt Paula and Uncle Bruce are here.”

“Howard, it’s good to see you,” Bruce said as he approached. “I wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Me too,” Howard said soberly.

“Howard,” Paula said softly and then embraced him very gently. “I’m so sorry.” Howard released Token’s harness and returned her hug. His emotions had been close to the surface all day and they became even closer now. “I was just telling Sophia funny stories about Liz. I hope you don’t mind.”

Howard hugged her closer. “Mind? No. I think that’s what she needs.”

“There’s a chair just to your left,” Gordy told him softly, and Howard sat down so he could join the conversation. He heard Sophia’s unmistakable laughter as Paula strained exaggeratedly, probably to lift Sophia onto her lap. Then he heard Paula begin another story. “Sophia’s been happy. Maybe the happiness is a bit forced, but…,” Gordy told him, and Howard found his hand and squeezed it.

The conversation swirled around him, and Howard paid attention to bits of it. Or at least he tried. His thoughts seemed to wander from topic to topic. Gordy stayed nearby, and Token lay at Howard’s feet. The gathering began to thin and much of the background conversation fell away. “Do you have to go?” Sophia asked.

“Yes,” Paula said softly. “But we’ll see you soon, I promise.” After saying good-bye to her and Bruce, Howard figured it was time they left themselves. He made his way around the room with Token, thanking people for coming, acknowledging familiar voices as best he could. Then he helped Sophia get ready, and Gordy carried her out to the car with Howard following behind.

The drive back to Lizzy’s house was quiet, with Howard thinking and Sophia napping in the backseat.

“I’ll carry her in and lay her on her bed,” Gordy said. Howard got out and made his way inside with Token’s guidance. “She’s still asleep,” Gordy told him once he was inside. Howard settled on the sofa with Token curled up near his feet. Howard removed his harness, figuring Token had worked hard enough and needed a break. Howard certainly did. “Do you need anything?”

“Just answers to questions I can’t fathom yet,” Howard said enigmatically. “Maybe some iced tea,” he added. He heard Gordy walk through the house and the clink of glasses in the kitchen. A soft knock sounded on the door, and Howard answered it, motioning Ken, Patrick, and Hanna into the living room. “Sophia’s asleep,” he explained. “She’s been so tired. I don’t think she’s slept much in days.”

“Hanna and I brought something for her,” Ken said.

“You can go on in if you want,” Howard said. “Sophia will be disappointed if I let her sleep though a visit.”

“It’s okay,” Ken whispered, and Howard heard Hanna walk toward Sophia’s bedroom. He heard her open the door and call for Sophia. Hanna and Sophia joined them a few minutes later, both girls talking.

“You can go out back and play if you want,” Howard offered, and the girls talked back and forth before heading away and toward the back of the house.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” Ken asked. “Are you going to stay here with her?”

“No. I know it will be hard on her, but I’m comfortable in Marquette and it’s familiar for me, and she already has Hanna.” Friends, routines, and familiar places were going to be vital to him if he was going to raise Sophia. Starting over in a new place would only make things harder.

“It might be easier on her to leave and be where so many things don’t remind her of her mother,” Gordy offered.

Howard paused and sighed. “I love her more than anything, and I want to do what’s best for her, but I’m wondering if I can give her that.” Howard accepted the glass that was pressed into his hand. “How can I raise a little girl? I need to make sure she’s safe and cared for. I can’t keep myself safe part of the time, so how can I do that for her?” Howard took a gulp of the tea and instantly hated himself for vocalizing the sentiment, but he’d felt he had to.

“Howard,” Gordy whispered.

“What? I have to think of her. She’ll be so much better off with Paula and Bruce. They can care for her and raise her in an environment that will be safe and healthy.” Howard fumbled with the glass and tried to put it on the table. He thought he had, but it smashed to the floor almost as soon as he released it, the sound punctuating his feelings. “I’m a hazard.”

“So you’ll get plastic cups and use them,” Ken said. “You said you needed to do what’s best for Sophia, and I can’t help thinking that being with you is what she needs.”

“Lizzy named them in her will,” Howard said, beginning to shake a bit.

“She may have, but she named them as an alternate. Your sister wanted you to raise her child—that’s an incredible display of trust and affection,” Ken said, and Howard heard the sofa squeak slightly. “I’d trust you to raise Hanna for me if anything happened to Patrick and me.”

Howard gasped, but didn’t say anything. He heard the glass being cleaned up and thanked Gordy for his help. Then he found his voice. “How could you?” he asked incredulously. “Taking care of myself takes almost all my energy, and I can’t see the dangers ahead. What if she gets hurt because of it?”

“No, but you hear them,” Ken countered and then paused. “I know your sister passing away is a very sudden change, and you didn’t expect to be taking care of Sophia. And if you really don’t think you’re capable of it, no one would blame you if you allowed Lizzy’s friends to have guardianship of Sophia. They certainly seemed nice, and she’d probably have a very stable home with people who loved her.” Ken paused again. “Come to think of it, they might be able to give her a lot of things you can’t. They definitely care for her and could give her a loving home. You wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Sophia would be taken care of here, and you could go back to your life, write your programs, and be happy.”

Howard could barely believe what he was hearing. He thought Ken was his friend.

“Maybe then you could see her on holidays and things. Paula and Bruce would probably come up for a week in the summer. You could play host and spend some time with your niece and then send her back with them when you’ve had enough.”

“Is that what you think of me? That I’m that selfish or want to shove her off somewhere? I love her. Sophia is all the family I have, and she’s the center of my world. She always was. When she and Lizzy were up to visit, I asked her to move to Marquette so we could be closer together. I want to be part of her life, but….” Howard stopped when he heard Patrick snickering at him. “You bastard!”

“Hey. Get angry at me all you want. If she’s what’s important, then you need to figure out how to make it happen. Patrick and I will help any way we can, and I’m sure you have other friends who will be more than happy to help you too. It’s not like you have to do this alone.”

“Of course I do,” Howard said and then stopped as his emotions welled up in a tidal wave. “But I can’t ask my friends to interrupt their lives like that. I can’t even go to the grocery store on my own.” Gordy had been taking him for the last few weeks; Cedric had done that too, when they’d been together. God, he was so proud of being independent, but he really wasn’t. He’d been relying on Gordy, and before him, Cedric. Before that he had neighbors, family, schoolmates, and all kinds of other people to help him. How could he possibly raise a child? He wanted Sophia in his life more than anything else in the world. Since she’d arrived, that little girl had wormed her way into his heart so deeply that the thought of letting her go made him ache and his chest feel like it was caught in a vice.