Love, Ellen: A Mother/Daughter Journey (29 page)

As it happens, I know plenty of Catholic parents who are entirely accepting of their gay children. At a P-FLAG event in New Orleans, there was a staunch Catholic woman who goes to mass every morning and is the mother of ten. Three children are gay, so she’s very active in P-FLAG, but she has no conflict with her religion. Another Catholic mother initially had problems when she found out that four of her five children are gay (three sons and one daughter). She went to her priest and he told her, “Support your children.”

In my own family, of course, in her later years Mother returned to the Catholic church and remained totally accepting of her granddaughter. My sister Helen is also very active in the Catholic church, and she too is completely supportive of her niece. Helen recently sent me the latest opinion on homosexuality, from a report in
America
, a Jesuit magazine. The article, “National Dialogue on Gay and Lesbian Issues and Catholicism,” reported on a symposium of over 650 men and women—all ages, from forty states—who gathered to hear theologians, bishops, psychologists, and others. A nun spoke of these issues as a concern for Catholics and for the public as a whole—especially because there are those who still practice discrimination, even violence, against homosexuals. She asserted that gay people have the same right to equal protection under the law as heterosexuals.

The article quoted statistics just released by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Projects, indicating an increase in violence against gays and lesbians since 1995. A priest who spoke about discrimination against homosexuals in employment and housing went on to recommend justice for an “already undervalued minority.”

His is good argument for activism. To that end, in January of 1998, I made one of my most memorable HRC trips to Portland, Maine, in order to help out with the “Maine Won’t Discriminate” campaign.

After Maine passed an antidiscrimination law, making it the eleventh state to have such a law based on sexual orientation, an extremist group from the religious right took advantage of a loophole that had never been used before and got enough signatures to have another election, trying to overturn this law. Talk about poor losers.

I traveled to Portland, Maine, with Susanne Salkind from HRC; Martha Fish, my ebullient, delightful new friend from earlier HRC events; and Martha’s dear friend Adrian. In Portland, we were fortunate enough to stay in one of the loveliest bed and breakfast inns that I’ve ever seen, the Pomegranate Inn, owned by Isabel Smiles. (What a name to be blessed with!) Isabel once owned an antique shop and she and her late husband collected art, so the inn is full of wonderful furniture and artworks.

While we were there, the area was being hammered with its second big snow and ice storm of the season. We found ourselves snowbound at the Pomegranate Inn.

The warmth of the people more than made up for the weather. Saturday morning all the houses across the street from the inn were without electricity, so neighbors wandered into Isabel’s kitchen. We all seemed to gravitate there—guests, friends, and strangers alike. Isabel told the neighbors to fix their own breakfast, and they did. One man cooked scrambled eggs for several others. Before long, we were all old friends, talking among ourselves in little groups. It was the loveliest spontaneous gathering imaginable.

When one of the guests—a woman from Boston who said she generally does not talk to strangers—heard that we were there to help with “Maine Won’t Discriminate,” she wrote a check for the campaign!

Then, two weeks later, upon my return to Los Angeles, I heard devastating news: Maine had voted to repeal its antidiscrimination law aimed at protecting gays and lesbians. A combination of inclement weather and deceptive advertising by religious extremists contributed to the defeat. I sat down and wrote the following letter to the
Portland Press Herald:

A month later, I received this next letter from one of my new friends in Maine, a widow with grown children:

My reaction was sadness and anger—not only at the perpetrators but also at those who incited them. The leaders and ministers who use religion as an excuse to preach hate and judgment should be held accountable. To anyone who hears such rhetoric, I have a simple plea: As a mother and average citizen, I beg each of you, allow yourself to question ideologies of blame and punishment. Remember Jesus’s simple instruction, “Love one another.”

T
HE QUESTIONS CONTINUED
from the group at Harvard-Westlake. It was an amazing experience. Ellen was definitely in her element—funny, poignant, brilliant. Anne also spoke, in her no-holds-barred way. She was as honest, direct, and articulate as only she can be.

Anne had a different take on the question of how to talk to a peer who is intolerant. “You know,” she said, “remember that there’s safety in numbers—so the more support we can garner and gather from our friends, the more we spread that support among people who are open to listening. You’re not going to convince the one guy. … but think of it this way—” Anne nodded to El, explaining, “Ellen used to say, ‘I’d be performing for two thousand people, and one guy in the front wouldn’t be laughing—and I’d care about him.’ Remember, there are 1,999 other people who may be open to listening, to supporting tolerance and love. So that one person is going to feel pretty outnumbered pretty darn soon if we keep building gay-straight alliances where everybody comes together. One day he’s going feel like the people he’s been making fun of.”

Everyone cheered. And once again we cheered for Noah and his fellow activists.

Activism is not without risks. I was very impressed by a journalist, an African-American, when he told me that some members of his community have criticized him for being sympathetic to homosexuals. He believes that there is a close parallel between the black civil rights movement and the fight for equal gay rights. “Whenever I hear African-Americans making discriminatory remarks about homosexuals,” he said, “I make a point of telling them to watch what they’re saying because in ten years they’re going to look back and realize they sounded like George Wallace did to us back then.”

STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW
read the sign held by an African-American man who was interviewed during a gay pride march in Washington a few years ago. When asked why he felt it was important to show his solidarity with the gay marchers, he said, “The same people who hate them hate me. If I don’t stand up for others who are being persecuted, who’ll stand up for me when it’s my turn?”

Activism can take many forms—including, for someone who is gay, coming out. What is being risked goes beyond rejection from family, as is illustrated in this letter I received:

I came out in 1973 my last year of college. My mother took it very hard. … It’s a long and painful story but we finally over the years worked it out.

In 1985 I lost a very good job as a supervisor
of
a noninvasive cardiac lab … because I’m gay. So … I know how hard coming out can be. But we have to keep on trying to make it easier for those who follow.

From a letter printed in a gay newspaper in Dallas:

Two years ago I was fired because of my sexual orientation. Since losing my job, we had many troubles financially. … Before I lost my job, I just wanted to live quietly and let the “radicals” and “politicals” fight for our rights. Now I am one of them. It has helped me heal and given me such insight, and I have met so many wonderful people I would never have known had I not become active: Ehrhardt (Harryette, State Rep.), my P-FLAG family, and Betty DeGeneres, to name just a few.

We must all fight the fight, even if it’s just to write a letter, vote, make a phone call, or march in a parade. No one in this community should sit idly, expecting others to correct the wrongs aimed at us.

For all of us, gay and straight, activism can be as basic as sitting down with a family member or friend and talking to one another openly and honestly. As one handsome young African-American man put it, “I’m not asking my parents to join a cause or march in a parade or throw me a party. I just want them to know who I am so that instead of asking me when I’m going to meet a nice woman and get married, it would be great if they’d ask if I’ve met any nice eligible young men lately.”

For other parents, like myself, it is important to take a stand by joining the cause and marching in the parade. As the slogan goes, “Equality through visibility.” This is reflected in polls which show, overwhelmingly, that when you know people who are gay or lesbian, you are much more likely to vote for antidiscrimination laws and much, much less likely to be homophobic. That’s why the more visible our gay sons and daughters are, and the more visible we are as supportive family members, the better we will be able to help them achieve equality.

I hope that some day before too long these admirable gay-straight alliances won’t be found only in progressive schools but will reflect our society as a whole. Who knows? As El has said, a day will come when we’ll all look back and see her coming out as “one big so-what.” Eventually, in a still better world, coming out won’t be necessary because the closet itself will have ceased to exist.

I pray for that day—a time when, instead of hate, love is carefully taught and children will grow up without hearing derogatory remarks about their gay and lesbian family members and neighbors; and the more enlightened among us who already accept each other without regard to race, color, or creed will include sexual orientation in that list.

11

Questions

W
ELCOME TO
B
ETTY’S
Town Hall Meeting, where you can ask me any questions you want, about anything. Or at least, you can ask about anything that someone else has asked and that I’ve included here.

I call this a Town Hall because I’ve been asked these various questions by many different types of people and in many different settings, friendly and hostile. Let’s start with some of the more common questions.

Why is it important for people to come out?
It’s not only important but vital for gays and lesbians to come out—to be able to live openly, truthfully, and unafraid. Until more and more gay men and women feel comfortable and safe taking this healthy step, we in the heterosexual world won’t know how many of the friends, neighbors, and coworkers we like and admire are in fact homosexual.

On that wonderful day in the future—when homosexual-heterosexual no longer matters, when your gay coworkers can proudly bring their partners to company functions, can display pictures of their loved ones on their desks—then this will finally become a nonissue and won’t have to be discussed ever again. What a blessing that will be! Then our religious leaders can spend their time and money exhorting their flocks to keep the Ten Commandments. They can invite all of us, all of God’s children, to join with them in striving to be the very best we can be—honest, loving, and compassionate.

Then teenagers can be accepted for who they are, as they are, and not be the target of jokes or harassment. How beautiful and simple! Let’s strive for it. Give all people the sense of self-worth they deserve. Let them know they’re OK just the way they are.

This quotation from Anthony Trollope applies to all of us: “Never think you’re not good enough. A person should never think that. People will take you very much at your own reckoning.”

What’s the best way to come out?
There is no right or wrong way to take a stand for honesty. My simple prescription follows three important points. First, remember what really matters. For all families, that is the unconditional acceptance, love, and support for each other. This has recently been confirmed by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops: it is important to realize that when children or parents or siblings come out, they are not changed at all. They are just giving you their own gift of honesty and love, and asking that you begin to understand.

Second, be patient. Whether gay or straight, we all need time to think, to reflect, and to care. Before we blurt out words we’ll regret later, we should stop and really listen to each other. For straight family members, this is a time that we begin to be more honest ourselves.

Third, celebrate your honesty. The first step of coming out demands courage, but almost every step that will follow is exhilarating and rewarding. You’ll find out personally how much better your life can be, how close your family and friends will eventually become, and how strong you feel once you have embraced the truth.

And, finally, every step of the way, don’t hesitate to reach out and use the resources available in your library, in your community, and from organizations like P-FLAG.

What is P-FLAG?
Parents, Family, and friends of Lesbians and Gays is a wonderful support organization primarily for parents and straight family members of gays and lesbians. It was founded by a courageous woman named Jeanne Manford. After her son, Morty, was beaten up while distributing leaflets at a New York City political dinner in 1972, she became increasingly active, urging parents of gays to unite. About this same time, in Los Angeles, Adele and Larry Starr, parents of one gay son (of four children), began a parents’ organization which grew to the national level. There are now over 400 chapters across the United States. Generally, monthly meetings are held, consisting of informal rap groups and then a guest speaker for the whole group. Support is also offered to gay men and women whose families aren’t accepting; many attend meetings to learn ways of reaching out to resistant family members.

Through P-FLAG, I meet many parents who are every bit as proud as I am. Peggy Olson, in her president’s message in the L.A. newsletter, writes: “What an incredible journey the past eleven years has been! Learning our son is gay has opened up a new world for me, and I am so grateful, grateful to so many of you in P-FLAG who have enriched my life.” A mother I met in Chicago always wears a large button that says, “I’m a P-FLAG mom.” When people ask her what that means, she is only too happy to tell them.

What advice do you have for children of gay and lesbian parents who come out?
The same advice I have for parents of gays—realize that they are the same parents you know and love; they are just being more honest with you. Be patient and allow yourself to go through a process of acceptance. You may not accept this overnight, but your parent didn’t accept this news overnight either; he or she probably struggled with it for a long time.

A loving family atmosphere at home and, ideally, a large, loving extended family will help younger children cope with whatever prejudice and ignorance they may face outside the home. For children who are older, or grown, it’s vital to go through the process of acceptance, keeping in mind that your parent is no longer able to maintain the facade of living a lie and is giving you the gift of his or her honest self.

Why should I have to know about other people’s sexual practices?
You shouldn’t. And this is where people get confused. When you learn that someone you know is homosexual, you don’t know anything about his or her sexual practices. That is strictly none of our business—just as your own sexual practices are no one else’s business. I’ve heard it said that with the word “heterosexual” the accent is on “hetero” and with the word “homosexual” the accent is on “sexual.” What a shame that we, as a society, are so hung up on this. After so many generations, we are still, deep down, puritanical. Puritanical and hung up on sex—what a combination! I’m positive that for a committed, loving homosexual couple, sex is no more or less important than it is for a committed, loving heterosexual couple.

Not long ago, I heard the great writer Toni Morrison being interviewed on
60 Minutes.
As an African-American, she said, “When you know somebody’s race, what do you really know about them? Nothing.” How true and this can be applied to sexuality. When you know somebody’s sexuality, what do you really know about them? Nothing. It should be just a fact and should not enter into the equation of the sum of that person.

What about “outing”?
As far as I’m concerned, a definite no-no. I know that coming out is a healthy, positive step. Coming out, however, is something that must be done in one’s own time, at one’s own pace. I think outing someone before he or she is ready to take this step is unbelievably cruel.

My friend John Selig takes the other side, at least in one regard. He says that if an elected official is closeted and votes against antidiscrimination legislation, he or she should be outed. Actually, that’s an exception that I too would go along with.

What is bisexuality?
One explanation I’ve been given is that bisexuals don’t have the same boundaries as those who seek partners of one sex over the other. Whereas a heterosexual is attracted romantically and sexually only to the opposite sex and a homosexual is attracted romantically and sexually only to the same sex, a bisexual may honestly be attracted to either sex. This may be hard for those of us with rigid boundaries to understand. Ideally, as with anyone else, if bisexuals are lucky enough to find the one true love of their life, that’s where they’ll stay.

What does transgender mean?
Mom. I Need to Be a Girl
is the title of one book on this subject, which I received recently along with a note from the author, who calls herself Just Evelyn:

P-FLAG has a helpful, informative pamphlet on this subject, “Our Trans Children.” In it, a transgendered person is defined as “someone whose gender identity … differs from conventional expectations of masculinity or femininity. Gender identity is one’s internal sense of being masculine or feminine, a man or a woman, a boy or a girl.” Sexual orientation is defined as “someone’s sexual attraction for others who may be of the opposite sex, the same sex, or either sex.”

Why do we have all these distinctions and labels?
Good question. In a perfect world, we would not need any special names. We could all just be people. Nonetheless, until we have awareness and tolerance for homosexuals, we need respectful labels to help get beyond ignorant street slang and old stereotypes. There is a tendency to overdo “political correctness.” But then again, why not err on the side of courtesy? “Gay” is fine to use in designating men and women, though “lesbian” is a more precise designation for women. In order not to mislabel anyone, however, you should know that many people who consider themselves bisexual don’t call themselves gay. This also applies to transgender individuals and to transexuals and transvestites, who may or may not be homosexual.

Note also that some gay women dislike the term “lesbian.” To some, it sounds foreign or alien, as it should, being derived from a foreign place, the Greek island of Lesbos, which in ancient times was inhabited by a group of strong women. “Queer” was once a derogatory term for a homosexual. Now many gay people—especially young gays and lesbians—use the term proudly to describe themselves.

We get into another murky area when we search for a polite label f or a gay person’s significant other. “Partner” is usually appropriate for men and women. Anne and Ellen, who are not married, call each other “wife” and “Mrs.” The two Ricks I mentioned earlier are not married either, but they call each other “husband.” When there is no long-term commitment, “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” or “lover” can be used.

The best advice I can offer about what to call gay people and their partners is this: When in doubt, just ask them what they prefer.

Is homosexuality a lifestyle choice?
Hardly. A person’s sexual orientation is not a lifestyle; it’s a life. As to the precise factors that determine homosexuality, there are no definitive answers yet. Are gay people born that way, is their DNA “hard-wired,” as many suggest? Is homosexuality passed on from other family members, genetically or culturally or both? Do experience and environment play a part? Is there a choice?

My own observation is that while both genetic and environmental factors shape who we are, very few people choose to be gay. For most gays and lesbians I have met, this is a fact about who they are, much as the color of their eyes is. As Ellen has said, it is as much a part of who she is as the color of her skin.

HRC’s excellent “Resource Guide To Coming Out” (available for just a phone call to HRC in Washington—phone and address at the back of this book), says:

Homosexuality Is Not a Choice;

Homosexuality Chooses You—

Some people say that homosexuality is a choice to discourage you from being in a gay or lesbian relationship. But think about it for a minute: Did you choose to have feelings of same-sex attraction? Why would you? The fact is: Homosexuality is not a choice any more than being left-handed or having blue eyes or being heterosexual is a choice. It’s an orientation, a part of who you are. The choice is in deciding how to live your life.

Can people be recruited?
Definitely not. If so, I’d sign up! After all, I have more and more good friends who are gay and lesbian. I love them, but I am hopelessly heterosexual. Society needlessly worries that young people can be influenced, but this isn’t true. We have the orientation we have and we love whom we love.

What about gay and lesbian stereotypes?
What about heterosexual stereotypes? One heterosexual stereotype might be a muscular, macho man, maybe on a motorcycle. Another might be a tanned, handsome young lifeguard. Yet another, a Sharon Stone—type beauty. That doesn’t quite describe all of us who are heterosexual, does it? Well, the same goes for gay and lesbian men and women. The stereotype of the effeminate gay man or the “butch” lesbian is just that—a stereotype.

This is yet another important reason for our gay family members to come out—so the world can see that gay people are all around them, in every walk of life. Gay people include our police officers, teachers, doctors, professional athletes, artists, models, oyster shuckers, and vacuum cleaner salespeople.

A psychologist recently told me that Ellen has made her life so much easier, personally and professionally. Before coming out, she never had anyone to point to and say, “Look, she’s gay and she’s successful.”

Why is a gay person’s process of self-discovery and acceptance so difficult in so many cases?
Again, look at the messages gay people get from society. At a time when teenagers are aware of romantic feelings for the opposite sex, our gay children are becoming aware that this isn’t happening to them, that their romantic feelings are for friends of the same sex. And they may be hearing an ugly array of derogatory nicknames for gays and lesbians. At their houses of worship, they may hear hellfire and damnation preached against what they are.

Imagine how they must feel—confused, ashamed, concerned. They are simply living the lives God gave them, and suddenly they’re a target of discrimination and prejudice at best and hatred and physical violence at worst. Which brings us to …