Authors: Anne Leigh
Chapter Twenty-one
“Look for what you want. Find what you like. Keep what you love.”
Sedona
For the
first few days, I was numb.
I took all my exams, went to cli
nicals, and went to the gym.
I told Nalee and Tanya what happened and they both felt really sorry for me. The odd thing was, I didn't even cry. It was as if I was experiencing an out-of-body experience and I removed myself from the emotions.
In the rare moments that I allowed myself to feel, I felt everything. The emptiness of not having him to talk to. The loss of his laughter and smiles. The gripping uncertainty of how I would be able to go on without him. My life was fine before him. Without him, my life would never be the same.
I tried to push myself to think that at least I could go on my planned path; my 3 P’s and 5 D’s were still there. What was missing was my drive. For some reason, my plans were getting tangled in my emotions. The thought of calling him, reaching out to him, consumed me. It was often these thoughts that accompanied my restless sleep.
Kieran and I were swimming when I felt the first wave of nausea. I thought that the chlorine smelled so strong that day. Kieran said it smelled the same as it always did – chlorine. I felt a lot better once I got out of the pool.
I told Kieran about what happened with Zander and I. He didn't offer any opinions. He just listened. One of the many great things about him was that he didn’t judge. He just listen
ed and let me figure it out.
The second wave of nausea came, a week and a half after our breakup. I was studying for a nursing exam in my apartment. Kieran brought me my favorite Kung Pao Chicken from Good Fo
od Chinese.
My stomach was growling whe
n he got there. He set the take-out Chinese boxes on the kitchen table. I smelled the food from my bedroom but the smell was a lot stronger in the kitchen. I didn't even make it to the kitchen. I started throwing up in the outside bathroom.
After I was done throwing up, Kieran
was so worried that he drove me to the clinic that day.
He said, "You're not yourself. You're nauseous and now you're throwing up. You
have a bad case of stomach flu or something."
At the clinic,
an older, Caucasian lady with kind eyes introduced herself as Dr. Hayes. She ordered blood work and urine test. We waited for about 2 hours. Kieran waited with me in the waiting room.
Finally, the nurse c
alled me to see the doctor.
Dr. Hayes asked me again how I was feeling and what I was going through.
I told her that I've been stressed a lot lately since I was going through my c
linicals, thesis, and exams.
When I was done telling her about me, she said, "Well, congratulations, Ms. McKenzie, you're going to be a great nurse,” She smiled and followed it up with, “I'm s
ure you'll be a great mom."
Mom?! The four walls of the tiny room caved in on me. I felt hot and cold at the same time. My heart was beating rapidly and my h
ands felt clammy.
"I'm sorry, Doctor. There must be a mistake. I'm not pregnant. I'm
taking birth control pills."
"Well, your
urine test is positive and your blood tests say you’re definitely pregnant," she said.
I tried to count back to my last period. I was so irregular
and I have been so busy that I could not trace back when I had my last period. I asked her if I could look at my phone.
There it was. My last period was…more
two months ago.
"I'm taking birth control pills." I still couldn't believe it. Looking back, the symptoms that I had been feeling for the past, few weeks were mos
t likely pregnancy symptoms.
"Well, birth control pills do protect you from pregnancy. But if you're not taking them regularly or they're low dose or it could just be that you're in 0.01 percent who gets pregnant while
taking birth control pills."
The doctor asked me if I had any questions. I wanted to say "Yes, I have a million questions." I sto
pped myself and thanked her.
The nurse scheduled me for subsequent visits but
I informed her that I was graduating so I would be doing most of my follow-up visits with my own doctor.
Kieran saw me first when I
got out of the clinic door.
"Hey, Ace, so what did the doctor say? You got an infection or something?"
I shook my he
ad. I wished it was that easy.
I was silent until we got into his car an
d tears started falling out.
"I'm pre
gnant." I said it so softly.
"Pregnant?"
I nodded my head. H
e removed his seatbelt and reached out to hug me.
I cried and cried on his shirt. He reached
across the backseat for a box of tissues. He always kept a box of tissues because of my allergies.
"It's going to be ok, Ace. It's going to
be ok," he said, against my hair.
"Please don't tell him, please don't," I begged hi
m.
"You have to. That's his child too. Unless you want to get rid of it?" He tried to keep a straight face but his
voice was slightly alarmed.
"No, I'm not even thinking of that. Please give
me time. I will tell him."
One more week passed and I still haven't told Zander. Only Kieran, Nalee, and Tanya knew about my pregnancy. Nalee and Tanya were shocked at first. They couldn't believe that I'd be the one who got pregnant first. They were
excited to be aunts though.
I didn't tell my dad. I wanted to tell him but each time I fe
lt I was ready, I held back.
He wanted to know when I was coming home. I told him after I get my internships taken care of. I received the replies from the hospitals that I applied to. I
was accepted to all of them.
Having a baby changed things, plans. A lot. Instead of doing internships, I decided to take my board exam early, in
a month’s time. It was enough time for the Board of Nursing to receive clearance from CSUF Nursing that I could take the exam.
Kieran wa
s leaving in a week to train in Omaha for the World Championships; so, we spent a lot of time with each other. He said that if I didn’t tell Zander about the baby before he left, he would be the one to tell him.
*****
I was on a deadline.
As the days got closer to when Kieran had to leave, I was getting more and more nervous about the fact that I had to tell Zander. Kieran told me that Zander would want to know and that
he had the right to know.
I reminded Kieran that
Zander and I were broken up.
It was a weak excuse. I knew Kieran was right. Even though we were broken up, Zander would still want to know about our baby.
He would not hesitate to take on his responsibility.
I heard the bartender turning up the volume of the TV. Majority of t
he patrons quieted down. At 6 o’clock, the bar was filled for happy hour. Yes, I was pregnant, in a bar, and no, I was not drinking any alcohol. A few days ago, I discovered that my baby liked chicken wings.
Just like daddy.
It was the one of the few things I could eat without regurgitating it out.
Kieran's eyes widened. My back was facing the TV. I turned my neck to see what the fuss was all about.
It was Zander. On live television.
He was being interviewed by The Sports Channel commentator, Bob Reide. Since Zander was the local sports hero, the bar patrons wan
ted to watch the interview.
It was the first time I was seeing him since we broke up. I felt sa
d, happy, and lonely, all at the same time. He was wearing a light green shirt for the interview. His hair was longer and he looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. His eyes looked tired, dull green. The HDTV highlighted the shadows under his eyes.
I turned my whole body around to face the TV. The captions were also on so everyone could read what was being said during the interview.
Bob
:
Zander, how does it feel to be the number one draft pick?
Zander:
Happy, Bob (he smiled, but only the left side of his mouth turned up). Hard work pays off.
Bob:
Does it bother you when people say you're in this position because of your dad?
Zander:
Nah, it doesn't. My dad has nothing to do with the draft.
The interview went on for 20 more minutes with all the commercials in between. Bob Reide asked Zander about statistics, football strategies, and coaches. It was a 30-minute special The Sports Channel.
Bob:
Can you confirm this rumor?
Zander:
What rumor?
Bob:
There is a rumor coming from multiple sources that you asked to sign a one-year contract for the Minnesota Fox.
Zander:
Umm, yes that is true (his eyes shifting uneasily).
Bob:
In the NFA, rookies would like to sign long-term contracts rather than short-term. This is quite unusual. I was surprised that Minnesota agreed to this deal.
Zander:
I think you’ll have to talk to my agent and legal team about that. I just want to see where it goes. Hopefully, I can contribute Minnesota and be an asset.
Bob:
Minnesota Fox wanted to sign you for 5 years but you declined.
Zander:
Yes, I asked for a one-year contract to see where I am and how I'm contributing to the team after a year.
My heart was literally thumping in my chest now.
Bob:
Ok, Zander, thanks for talking to us today. I'm sure you have plenty of fans around who would love you in Minnesota or wherever you want to go.
Zander:
Thanks, Bob.
Bob:
Is there anything else you want to say? Maybe to your parents? To your fans?
Zander:
Thank you to my parents for always being there for me and for my fans, if I have any (he grinned), thank you for your support.
He slowly lifted two of fingers to his lips and waved at the screen. Subtle move, enough for my heart to hear.
Bob:
Ok, well on that note. Folks, that's it for our interview with the number 1 draft pick,
Zander Zobowski. Tha
nks for watching.
My phone started buzzing. Nalee texted me, "D
id you watch the interview?"
Tanya was calling me and K
ieran was turning me around.
Tears
were streaming down my face.
"There's your answer, Ace. He’s only signing for a year. His agent must have pulled out all the stops to be able to do that. Maybe he’s thinking about you. I think the ball’s on your court now.” Kieran and my friends were probably thinking about the fact that Zander only wanted to be signed for a year to keep his op
tions open.
I just kept nodding at
Kieran’s words, not quite hearing most of them. None of them knew what Zander’s gesture for me was. It was between him and me. His simple, quiet gesture called out to me, loudly. He was asking me to come back to him.
*****