Authors: Mj Fields
On my way home from the airport I stopped and grabbed Johnny, Jack, and Jim. I intended on getting through this with my old friends.
When I got into the house I set the bag down.
I pulled out Johnny Walker and sat him on the
island; next I pulled out Jim Beam, and last, but not least, was my old friend Jack Daniels. This was now a bachelor pad and I was gonna have a fucking party.
I poured a shot of each and drank them down. Then I poured another and another. I looked out the window and saw a vehicle pull
ing in next door at Jade and Ryan’s. I thought I was seeing things so I squinted and then laughed.
I walked outside and yelled. “Welcome home Baby!”
She stopped and looked at me and crossed her arms in front of her. I walked toward her and she straightened herself up nice and tall.
“How’s Zach?”
Was the first thing I asked.
“He’s good. How were the girls in
Mexico?” She raised her eyebrows.
“Not sure Tessa because I didn’t fuck them! Because I trust
ed you would come to your senses. Because I thought if you couldn’t handle me you wouldn’t be handling anyone else!”
“Well Lucas when we last talked we were friends.”
“When I called you at three o’clock in the morning and he answered your fucking phone I figured you weren’t banging the band boy Tessa.”
“You’re such an ass.”
“Are we pregnant? Did you get your period?”
“Oh wow, you have certainly had enough to drink Lucas
, haven’t you?”
“Not even close to enough.”
“Lucas you need to…”
“Don’t you worry your gorgeous little self over it Tessa.”
“I’ve been healing!” She yelled. ”There is nothing that ever prepares you for the devastation you feel when you lose someone. When that someone is part of you, when they are your morning, daytime, and night, it is senseless to even try. When each intake of breath burns because it’s not shared with them, you just don’t want to breathe anymore. When you look in the mirror and you don’t see them standing beside you every day, smiling at you because they felt exactly the same way about you as you do them, you no longer want to look in the mirror. Nothing tastes good. Every smile is forged for someone else; every laugh hurts when you don’t hear theirs echo yours. It’s crippling. Collin was more than my friend, my lover, my husband; he was truly part of me. Zach helped me realize that Lucas. He helped me realize! And with his help I could grieve for the first time in seven months since he left. I know now he wasn’t taken, he gave his life to save our Harper.” I didn’t respond. “But that doesn’t matter to you does it!”
“You should have talked to me. You didn’t have to …”
“Talk to you? The man who broke me over and over again? The man who I feel guilty about because in a moment of weakness I wanted you. You hurt me!”
“Twenty fucking years ago Tessa, and let me tell you something sweetheart, you ruined me! Made me believe that there was someone out there for me! Well guess wha BABY, there wasn’t. You ere the only one for me and I fucked that up! I get it okay! I can own my shit Tessa. But it’s time you own yours. You’ve loved me as long as I have loved you! It was in your cards to have two loves in your life, consider yourself lucky. As a kid I fucked up Tessa, I was so young!” She started walking away. “Don’t you walk away from me damn
it! I stand before you as a man. Everything you saw in me then has finally become a reality, take it or not. I have been chasing you all my life but I’m done chasing, it’s all up to you now! Do whatever you need to do! I fucking quit!”
I started to walk away.
“You don’t get to qiut! You don’t get to Lucas!”
“You don’t ger to tell me what to do. I have been waiting to be the man you always wanted me to be and then you go to Zach! I’m done.”
“Good!”
I walked home and slammed the door. I grabbed Jack and took him upstairs with me.
Fuck it all! I laid on my bed and swalloed down some Jack.
Tessa
I watched him walk away and it hurt so badly. He had given me no other choice. I looked up into the early evening sky and wanted to smile for Collin, like he had asked me to in his last letter, but I couldn’t.
“You alright?”
I looked towards the house
, shook my head no, and the tears began to fall.
Jade walked up and hugged me.
“Why is he doing this?” Jade started to talk but I continued. “I didn’t fuck Zach. I didn’t kiss him; I didn’t do anything but talk with him! Why does he think that Jade?”
“You really want my opinion or do you just need to vent?”
“Jade! Seriously?”
“Yes
, seriously. Tell me what you need me to do right now, Tessa, because nothing I have said has done anything but cause you more pain and I don’t want that for you. You convince yourself that you and Lucas can be fuck buddies…”
“Jade that’s…”
“No, you listen to me. I thought you were ready. I watched you go through the stages of grief Tessa. I watched you isolate yourself, get angry, bargaining in your mind with which loss would have been worse, Collin’s or Harper’s, then you become depressed, and then I thought finally you had accepted it. I thought when we went and got our manicures, pedicures, and waxed you were ready. That wasn’t my call. I have been beating myself up about it. But I remember you getting me through it. I was wrong. Now your guilt was killing you. Then denial about Lucas…”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know that. You weren’t ready. I never took into consideration that my time with Tommy, as wonderful as it was, was so short. I was so much younger. I sat the other night looking at Ryan and thought, what would I do without him? I have no idea. He’s been my world for so long. He gets me and he still loves me.”
We both laughed.
“Tessa, Lucas hurt you a long time ago, but you hurt him too. He thinks you were with Zach because that’s what you did when you were younger. When you hurt you moved on quickly to someone who made you feel…”
“I did not.” I argued.
“You did and you did the same with Lucas. Now he’s hurt.”
“So you’re saying that his bullshit back then was my fault Jade, because it wasn’t. He…”
“Tessa you were both so young. Both still growing, both …”
“Fine.”
“Fine?”
“I know I wasn’t perfect. But that’s not what I was doing with Lucas a few months ago.”
“Tessa, if that’s true, ask yourself what it was then.”
We stood quietly for a moment.
“I have a letter for Lucas that.” She stopped. “A letter from Collin.”
“To Lucas?”
“Yes to Lucas.”
“Why would he do that?” I was shocked.
“He wrote all of us letters.”
“I suppose you have them all?”
“No, but I had one for you and one for Lucas.”
“I want to read it.”
“I promised Collin I wouldn’t give it to him until I thought Lucas needed it.”
“He’s dead
Jade!”
She nodded, “I know.”
I walked into the house and she followed. “What are you doing?”
“I’m gonna tear your house apart and find that letter and you better not stand in my way!”
“Tessa…”
“Now Jade.”
“And what the hell are we gonna do unseal it and then seal it back up?” She laughed.
“Hell yes.”
“Alright. But if he gets pissed and…”
“I can’t accept his death Jade if you can’t.”
She smiled and a tear fell as she walked up the stairs. “I’m sorry Tessa.”
I went into the kitchen and started the tea pot. I read once…oh
, who the hell am I kidding? I Googled it. I used it when Collin received a letter once. It looked like female hand writing and after my previous relationship I had a few, thousand, trust issues. The steam from the pot breaks the seal without evidence. Collin’s was a letter from a woman whose children were in college now thanks to him. It was a picture of them and no, they didn’t look like him at all.
My poor husband had to deal with the baggage I brought from Lucas. He did it with grace and love. Collin did everything that way with me. I had, okay have
, a short temper. Once, after one of my rants he was standing behind me and smirking. I was further annoyed by it until he told me how sexy he thought I was when I was pissy.
Jade came into the kitchen and handed me the letter. “I don’t know what’s in here Tessa but before you read it promise me you’ll talk about how it makes you feel. No bullshit.”
I held the envelope over the steam and Jade laughed.
“Tessa
, a promise please.”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll take that letter and shred it.” She laughed.
“You’ll have to get it first.” I smiled.
“Promise.”
“I promise, but be prepared. My feelings change within a seconds notice lately.”
“Lately?” She laughed.
“You
’re one to talk.”
“We Ross girls …”
“We Ross girls what?” Phoebe walked in the door.
I tried to hide the letter behind me.
“She texted me, I know what you’re doing, so give it up sister.” Phoebe kissed my cheek and sat her purse on the counter.
“Jade!”
“What? You were acting crazy, I thought this situation may require back up. Besides, you talked to her more about Lucas things back in school than you did me.” Jade laughed.
“Lucas things. Meaning you and Lucas?”
“It was a mistake.” I whispered.
“Hold up, you screwed him?” Phoebe gasped.
“I thought you told her!” I snapped at Jade.
“Not everything.” Jade whispered.
“Holy shit. How was it? Was it like high school?” Phoebe pulled herself up on the counter and sat, staring at me.
“I would prefer not to talk about it.”
“Okay.” Phoebe smiled gently at me. That sweet smile was so sincere, always had been.
“It was good Phoebe and I feel like a whore, like I betrayed Collin.”
She put her hand out and I held it. “Collin is gone. From the letter Alex and I got, he wants you to love again.”
“But if it was Lucas, and it was too soon, I don’t think he would be pleased. He would feel betrayed. He gave his life for Harper, to bring her back to me and I fucked Lucas.”
Phoebe smiled. “Tessa, we all grieve at our own pace. Besides, Alex and I read a book that talked about grieving. There was a few stories that talked about people who were happily married having a harder time being unattached. That your support team should encourage you to move forward.”
“But with Lucas Links? Come on
now…”
“Tessa you have a letter written to Lucas from Collin. I bet there might be something in there that will give you an idea of how Collin would feel.” Jade was trying to help.
“You’re afraid and I understand that. But it’s because of Lucas. And not who he is now. You’re disappointed in yourself because it’s hard for you to see who he is now. Tessa he’s a different man. He’s a good man.”
“I know that Phoebe.”
“Do you or are these feeling you have for him confused because of what happened in the past?”
“He hurt me, no he crushed me.”
“Yet you kept him in your life. Why Tessa?”
“He said the same thing and that’s not fair.”
“Why?” Phoebe asked.
“Because if he felt that, if Ashley left him because of that, I hurt
him and I never meant to. I never meant to. And if you all thought that, what kind of life did Collin really live? I never would have left Collin, not ever.” I started to cry and both of them hugged me.
“We all know that and so did Collin. He became friends with Lucas. He and Lucas were friends. They did a lot of things
together; they coached together, vacationed together, and talked like friends do. Collin knew how much you loved him. He also knew you love Lucas.”
“Loved.” I warned them.
“Open the letter Tessa.” Jade touched my hand.
“I can’t. I can’t do this.”
Phoebe snatched it out of my hand. “Then I will.”
Phoebe was the mild mannered one in this group of three and it shocked me that she would be so pushy.
“Don’t look at me like that. Did you hear me say that Alex and I read books on grief Tessa? We are scared that we’ll lose you too. Hell, everyone is, but we walk on eggshells because we don’t want to push. Your sons call Alex and ask how you are because you put up such a strong front and no one wants to tell you, you aren’t that fucking strong. You’re like an ice princess Tessa. We’re afraid if we push you too hard you’ll break. We miss him too. We loved him too, but he’s gone. You’re here and my God we’re gonna make sure you stay here. If I have to push you into Lucas Links’ bed butt ass naked I will, I swear I will just to see you feel again. I love you, so you just, you just…cut the shit and sit your ass down so I can read you a letter.”
“I have to be strong.”
“You have to be human. You have to feel.” Jade rubbed my back.
“What the fuck is going on here? Jade’s being sweet and you
’re being a…bitch. I’m leaving.” I tried to walk away but Phoebe stopped me.
“Sit your ass down and listen to us. Listen to the letter. Then if you wanna run away
, I can’t stop you. But you’re missing so much in the lives of your family. Your Dad is living in pain and needs a hip replacement but he’s afraid to tell you or schedule it because he doesn’t want to rock your boat. Alex cried in front of me for the first time Tessa, because he woke from a dream about Harper being taken. He has bad dreams about you too.”
I covered my face and cried, really cried in front of them.
“Have you even allowed yourself to feel when you cry up until now Tessa?”
“Yes as a matter a fact I have.”
“When?”
“What does it matter?”
“When?”
“When I spent time with Lucas and that makes me feel like shit too.”
Phoebe wiped my tears. “I officially call Doe Camp weekend Friday and Saturday night. We’re gonna cry and get this shit sorted out. You have a granddaughter on the way and she deserves the Tessa who is truly strong and not faking it. She deserves a Grandma that feels instead of one who pretends.”
I sat on the counter and Phoebe read Collin’s letter.
Links,
If you’re receiving this letter it’s because I’m gone and you’re not.
I’m not gonna beat around the bush, I’m gonna tell you everything I want you to know.
When I first met you
, I wanted to kill you with my bare hands. Tessa wouldn’t let me. I didn’t get it then but I’m a quick learner (Unlike you and I thank God above for that.) I also thank Tessa because when she has her mind made up it’s done. Unless you can delicately prove her wrong you’re screwed. You weren’t man enough to do that.
After you invited us to Doe Camp and I saw how strong you were being for her
. I knew then I wouldn’t have a problem with you. I felt your pain and knew immediately what the love of that girl had done to us both. I also knew that I would treasure her even more than I did at that moment.
A conversation we had once was one I wanted to have many times but needed it to flow so that you wouldn’t catch on. We were at the Cape and you were laughing at something Tessa was doing with Logan. The older kids were swimming and he was still learning but he was stubborn and as much as you tried, he tried harder to show you he was strong. ‘I’m a big boy Daddy.’ Is what he said and you said ‘I know that bud.’ Apparently Logan enjoyed Tessa’s company and instruction more than yours, smart boy. I watched you watch them and laugh. I mentioned how amazing she was, you agreed. I mentioned that she was mine. You looked shocked and said ‘No shit. The ring’s a dead giveaway.’ I asked you
, ‘What if there was no ring?’ You laughed like you did when I got all possessive and pushed me because you enjoy pissing me off. I said four words, ‘Can’t have her yet.’ You gave me an annoyed look. ‘Good cause I wouldn’t trade my wife and kids for the world. What the fuck man?’ I laughed it off and you laughed too.
I knew she would never leave me for you and you knew it too. Soon after that conversation you and I got closer. I looked at you differently. I trusted you, even though I knew you loved her as much as she loved you. And just so we’re clear, I never was concerned that she would leave me for you or anyone else unless I fucked up as bad as you had. My wife is like no other.
I can safely assume you got the letter I had delivered to you containing information about Ashley’s infidelities and I am so very sorry Lucas. I want you to use caution when it comes to Robert Robertson. I don’t trust him not to toy with you. I believe your children and Ashley are safe but you are not. A jealous man should not be taunted. There is a man you hired a few years ago. He was employed by me for three years. He is looking out for your best interest. Trust Bones completely. He is one of many who are still strategically placed to watch out for those I care for.